|
|
INT SOL.
(Mike and the 'Bots have just come out of the first commercial
and are chatting idly when the red light comes on)
MIKE: Hang on, guys, Beavis and Butt-head are calling. (hits red button)
INT DEEP 13.
(Dr. Forrester sneers into the camera)
DR. F: Ah, Happy Temp, glad to see...(stops, realizes what
Mike just called him) "Beavis and Butt-head?"
(furiously) You'll pay for that little crack, Nelson!
(brightens) Anyway, this week's Invention Exchange is
a lesson in REAL pop-culture recycling! Frank?
(He moves aside, revealing Frank standing with a small guy in a
three-piece suit.)
FRANK: Gotcha, Steve. What Dr. Forrester and yours truly have
done is develop a way for people to REALLY live up to
their names. Over here, we have Teller, the silent
half of that oh-so-popular magic team Penn and Teller.
Using nothing more than some surplus Gizmonics
equipment, we've converted him into an Automatic Teller
Machine. "Teller" machine, get it? (Frank and Dr.
Forrester chortle at his joke, then Frank starts
searching through his pockets) Now, let's see...where
is that...damn. Clay, could I borrow your bank card
for a second?
DR. F: (annoyed) What?!? Oh, very well... (Digs out his ATM
card, hands it to Frank) And I want it back!
FRANK: Sure, no problemo. (Pries open Teller's mouth and rams
the card down his throat, then pauses as if trying to
remember something) Uh, Dr. Forrester, what's your PIN
code?
DR. F: Dream on, Frank. Allow me... (Pokes Teller several
times about the face, as if punching in his PIN)
There!
(Dr. Forrester and Frank step back to watch. Teller, still
silent as ever, grabs his throat, starts to choke and turn blue)
DR. F: (beginning to get alarmed) Uh, Frank? FRANK?!? Are
you paying attention?
FRANK: Whoops, looks like it got stuck. Hang on...
(Frank runs behind Teller and applies the Heimlich maneuver.
After several squeezes, Teller spits out a wad of dollar bills
and collapses on the floor. Frank scoops up the money and begins
to count it)
FRANK: Wow, nice crisp bills, too. You'd never know they came
out of someone's esophagus...
DR. F: (snatching the money out of Frank's hands) GIVE ME
THOSE!! Remember, that was MY account! Money grubbing
little...
(Dr. Forrester catches himself, remembering Mike and the 'bots
are watching. He stuffs the bills in a pocket and forces a
smile.)
DR. F: There you have it. Rebuttal, Mr. Nelson?
INT SOL.
MIKE: Well, it just so happens that OUR Invention Exchange
also involves that popular magic team of Penn and
Teller. Tom?
TOM: You know, a lot of MST3K fans are still pretty ticked
at Penn Jillette for various dumb things he's done to
the show.
CROW: Yeah, like talking over the end credits...
MIKE: Well, he DID stop doing that. And apologized for it,
too.
GYPSY: Or the way he hosted THIS IS MST3K...
MIKE: Hmm. That WAS pretty inexcusable...
TOM: And in general, his pomposity and obnoxiousness in the
name of voice-overs.
MIKE: Right. Well, our invention this week should solve all
that. This is the "Pit and the Penn-dulum." Cambot,
if you could zoom out a bit...
(Cambot zooms out to reveal Penn Jillette hanging upside down
over a fiery pit)
CROW: Yep, we're gonna keep ol' Doughy Guy here hanging until
we're convinced he's repented sufficiently.
Otherwise...INTO THE PIT! (All the 'bots laugh
fiendishly)
PENN: I will NOT talk over the end credits, I will NOT talk
over the end credits, I will NOT talk over the end
credits, I will...
MIKE: Uh, Crow, I've been meaning to ask you...how did you
cut that hole in the Satellite's floor?
CROW: Aww, don't be a worrywart, Mike. We'll patch it up
when we're done. Promise. Right, Tommy?
TOM: Oh, sure. No sweat. (snickers)
MIKE: Uh...okay, guys, I'm gonna hold you to that. (Tom and
Crow continue to snicker) What do you think, sirs?
INT. DEEP 13
DR. F: Not bad, bubula, but I see a fatal flaw in your design.
(sticks his face all the way into the camera) HE'S
STILL _TALKING!_
INT. SOL
MIKE: Drat. I _knew_ we forgot something. Guys?
(Mike and the 'bots gather around Penn and go to work. When they
step away, Penn is still hanging, but the rope is now being
gripped in his _teeth._)
TOM: Go ahead, Paul Winchell, _now_ let's see ya throw your
voice! (All hoot with glee)
MIKE: NOW what do you think, sirs?
INT DEEP 13
DR. F: Hmm. Yes...yes, I sort of like this one. (scowls
evilly) But not enough to forego the scheduled hurting!
Your experiment this week is, under the circumstances,
the only logical choice: PENN AND TELLER GET KILLED.
Frank, send them the film. (no response from Frank)
FRANK?!?
(Dr. Forrester steps back from the camera, and we see Frank
kneeling over the prostrate Teller, his arm jammed into Teller's
mouth)
FRANK: Hang on, Clay, the card didn't come out...
DR. F: MY BANK CARD!!!! (starts to run to Frank, then turns
back) I'll deal with these trade school dropouts;
_you_ enjoy the wish fulfillment! Bombs away, dream
babies... (pushes the button)
INT. SOL
GYPSY: (to Penn) Uh, listen, Mr. Jillette, you understand it's
nothing personal, it's just that our fans...
(Movie sign/lights/buzzer go off!)
ALL: AAAAAIGH, WE HAVE MOVIE SIGN!
(Everyone dashes to the theater, leaving Penn hanging.)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
