MST3K-OZ #11 6 August 1998 Welcome to the eleventh issue of the Antipodean MSTie Newsletter! As always, anyone who wants to get off this bus, let me know. If you know someone else who might want to see this, please get them to e-mail me to add them to the list. I won't add anyone who doesn't request it directly. Feel free to print this, show it to your friends, blow your nose on it - whatever works for you. Remember, this effort works best as a co-operative effort. If you've got something you want to share with us all, even if it's only a paragraph long, send it to me and I'll include it! I'm not fussy! As long as it's got something vaguely to do with MST3K and is somehow relevant to us, I'm happy to see it! As an editor I have a pretty relaxed style . -------------------------------------- ADMINISTRIVIA I have cancelled my CompuServe membership (wasn't using it enough to justify the cost), so it's been removed as one of my contact points. Not that any of you guys were using it to contact me, so I don't suppose you care! -------------------------------------- JOIN US! New to this month's mailing list is Katie Bulger, who says she's age 17 and lives in Southern California! We won't hold it against you Katie! Wave hello to her everyone! -------------------------------------- A CONTEST A reminder that the "contribute an article to the newsletter and win a t-shirt or a video" contest is still running (see last month's newsletter for full details). The first entry appears below! More to come next month! (I have a *backlog* of articles. Incredible!) Come on, how hard can it be? ------------------------------------- WE'RE ON THE WEB! Quintas has been working hard and has updated our Web site! I think it looks spiffy, if still a little sparse. But it's young, it'll grow! Visit http://www.fortunecity.com/lavendar/pimlico/131/oz.html! You know you want to! This is a site in continual development, so mind the girders and don't step in the paint! Suggestions for improvements always welcome! If you have any great ideas, or material to contribute, please forward them to Quintas (syntax@picknowl.com.au). -------------------------------------- NEW WEB PAGE ANNOUNCEMENT! "Hello, it's Quintas our Web Page manager here. Nope, this note isn't about that (although if anyone wants to contribute to our Miscellaneous section ... hint, hint, hint ...). I just want to announce the opening of a new MST3K themed page of my own. It's called "The MST3K Fiction Page", and as you may have guessed, it gathers together all of the *stories* (not MSTings) about MST3K that are floating around the internet and puts them in one place. I haven't put any restrictions on the stuff I put up so some of it is less than brilliant, but there *are* some real gems. If you like the characters of MST3K as well as the movie sections you should like it anyway. There's some really interesting stuff here, so pop in and have a look! It's at http://www.fortunecity.com/lavendar/pimlico/131/fiction.html. If you have any comments on it, please feel free to drop me a line :-)." -------------------------------------- NEW ARRIVALS Now on sale at the MST Info Club: "Tom Servo's Favorite Host Segments", and two new Rhino releases: "Angel's Revenge" and "MST Shorts". Check out the order form at the MSTInfo web site! I've put my order in .... Incidentally, the above two Rhino tapes are apparently very likely the last ones to be released this year. Hopefully there'll be plenty more next year! Also, for those into new technologies, The Movie has been available on DVD for a few weeks now, and Rhino are planning to release "Eegah!" on DVD soon. For those who don't know what DVD is, it's the next evolution of the home video format: a disc the size of a CD that holds enough data to store several hours of video and audio information. When mastered correctly, a DVD delivers crystal clear video and audio superior even to that of laser disc, at a considerably lower cost to consumers. (A typical DVD release is about US$20-25, whereas a LD is about US$40+.) Yes, an excuse to buy those movies you love all over again! Anyway, DVD is a Cool Thing, so go for it if you have the chance! (Australian readers should note that DVD players in Australia bought "off-the-shelf" are restricted to playing only those DVDs actually sold in Australia. This is *not* a Cool Thing, but plenty of places exist that can modify a local player, or import a foreign player, to get around these restrictions. E-mail me privately if you need more info.) -------------------------------------- JULY MELBOURNE GATHERING REPORT July again saw a couple of Gatherings, as I continue to bravely watch the backlog of MST tapes in my collection. July 11: 106 "Crawling Hand" and 107 "Robot Monster". Paul & Me. An astronaut comes back to Earth - well, a bit of him any way, his hand to be precise. As per the movie title, it crawls. Naturally, a teenager wants it. Why is not ever adequately explained; it couldn't be to improve his sex life, as he already has a Swedish babe willing to remove her clothes for him at any moment. As for "Robot Monster", how can you not love an alien killer robot that's actually a man wearing a gorilla suit with a fishbowl on his head? An angst-ridden alien killer robot at that? Starring absolutely no one you've ever heard of. July 18: 904 "Werewolf" and 104 "Women of the Prehistoric Planet". Paul, Tom, Dean, Alison and Me. See "Review" below for "Werewolf". As for "Women", there's only one of them and she isn't actually from the planet in question! Also starring John Agar and various other annoying people! SEE a man eaten by a giant spider! Well, actually, it's a big fluffy spider toy that gets stuck to his back. HEAR the first ever appearance of "Hi-Keeba!" WATCH as a Doomsday satellite turns Joel and the 'bots into Isaac Asimov! Tentative next gathering date: 15 August (with various supplementary gatherings as well, hopefully). Mark your calendars! "I love the girl, but I want the hand!" ------------------------------------- A SONG Tom Marwede (thomasm@connexus.net.au) has given us the following as his competition entry! Warm up those vocal cords! "Here's a little filk for people, for those who remember 'We Didn't Start The Fire' by Billy Joel, break out the CD [if you have it] and sing the MST version - find all the references if you can." We Didn't Want The Movies Kevin Murphy, Trace Beaulieu, Jim Mallon, Mary Jo Michael Nelson, Patrick Brantseg, Joel Robinson Gizmonic Institute, wearing a red jump suit Master Ninja, Poopie Tape, Fire Maidens, Samson TVs Frank, Guiron, Jack Perkins, Barugon Gorgo, The Crawling Eye and The Thing That Couldn't Die Atomic Brain, Eegah, All Thanks to Radar Clonus Horror, The Monster Bride, Bill Corbett, The Brain Guy We didn't want the movies They were always putrid And really stupid We didn't want the movies No, They made us watch them But then they botched them Robot Monster, Peter Graves, Gamera Vs Gaos Teenage Werewolf, Paul Chaplin, And Crow T Robot Dragon, Megalon, Bev Garland, Servo Tom Lost World Warrior, Shots by Cambot Erhardt, Gypsy, and Rocketman Cody Joe Don Baker, Miles O'Keefe, Zombie Nightmare, Lee Van Cleef Manos, Mrs Pearl, Bite Me, Kim Cattrall Glen Manning, Carol Channing, We've Got Movie Sign We didn't want the movies They were always putrid And really stupid We didn't want the movies No, they made us watch them But Then they botched them Santa Claus, Continent, Captain Scarlet, HARM Agent Beatnik, Hercules, Living In Deep 13 Pod People, Cheese Waffle, General Hospital Daddy O, Mighty Jack, Incredibly Strange Creature Pact Creeping Terror, Cuba, Forrester, Mad Monster Puma Man, Bobo, Operation Double 0 Outlaw, Ollie Reed, Tommy Kirk, Lugosi Roger Corman, Hodgson, Look out for the Crawling Hand, We didn't want the movies They were always putrid And really stupid We didn't want the movies No, They made us watch them But Then they botched them Bridget Jones, Mitchell, And Cats that came from Hell Rocketship X-M, Neptune Men Invasion Earth Versus The Spider, We all Fight Godzilla Satan, Martian, Crash Of Moons, Melting Man Fu Manchu and his men, Aliens are called Ken USA Attacked today, what else do I have to say We didn't want the movies They were always putrid And really stupid We didn't want the movies, No, They made us watch them But Then they botched them L.A. Alien, Master Ninja Back Again Alpha Moonbase, Lovers Lane, Time Chase Ed Wood No Good, Sacrifice, Party Beach is not nice Russell Johnson and the rest, Fighting Metaluna's best Nummy Muffin, Phantom Creeps, Memory Bank, Womans Leech Posture Pals, Last Clear Chance, Brute Man, Songs On Pants Patrick Swayze Christmas lore, Gemini Man and Phase 4 Prince Of Space, Colossal War, I can't take this anymore We didn't want the movies They were always putrid Since they were forcing them on us We didn't want the movies But when we are gone They will still play on, and on, and on, and on... ------------------------------------- NEWCASTLE GATHERINGS Phil Gilson (c9705426@alinga.newcastle.edu.au) writes: "This is pretty much just for people in Newcastle (perhaps some of you know some Novacastrians you can tell), but the Newcastle University Gamers Society is showing episodes of MST3K on a weekly basis on the Callaghan campus! "We'll be starting on Monday the 10th of August, and every Monday after that until we run out of episodes or exams start. It'll start at 6pm and go till 7:30 or 9, depending on how many we show. The first night will be The Movie (i.e., 'This Island Earth'), and the rest will be an assortment from various seasons. "OK, now where it's going to be held is the tricky part. We're hoping to get the Auchmuty room (in the Union building) each week, but that may not be possible. If we DON'T get it one week there will be a sign on it's door saying where we'll be that week, so don't worry (probably the Hellmore or Nelson rooms). So, if you're in the area, turn up, it should be heaps of fun. :)" Here's hoping you get lots of attendees, Phil! (I believe thanks are in order to Tom Marwede for supplying PAL copies of episodes for the Newcastle crowd.) ------------------------------------- REVIEW WEREWOLF Kevin Murphy called this movie "a gift from God". This here's what we call prime-A grade MSTing material. An incoherent storyline, cheesy special effects, appalling actors and a director who clearly has no idea what he's doing - yes, it's the '90s answer to "Manos". I present to you - "Werewolf"! (Ahrooooo!) See, there are these archeologists digging up bits of Arizona. In no time at all they're fighting each other in fierce competition to determine who will be allowed to fall over and cut themselves on the weird bones they've just dug up. The prize for the lucky winner: an infection of werewolf essence, and a silver bullet to the chest! (It's a well-known fact that archeologists frequently carry silver bullets with them for just such an occasion.) So much for the first twenty minutes of the movie. But wait, there's more! One of the archeologists, Yuri, sees a lot of profit potential in werewolves and steals some werewolf-infected blood. He uses this to inject it into the blood of an innocent security guard at the museum where he works. This has an unfortunate result, however, as we discover that if you turn into a werewolf while driving, you're a bloody idiot. But Yuri's OK, since a visiting writer, Paul, picks a fight with Yuri over the empty-headed blonde archeological assistant, and promptly bleeds all over the mysterious werewolf bones, clearly still laden with werewolf essence. In short order, Paul also is a werewolf, shamelessly nibbling at the neck of any one who just wanders by. Paul eventually slobbers Yuri to death, and the blonde becomes a werewolf herself, and everyone lives happily ever after. I guess. The above description really doesn't do this movie justice. It is incompetence raised to a new height. Why does the werewolf makeup change every time we see it? Why does Yuri have a new, radically different hairstyle in *every scene*? Why is it that no-one notices the increased incidences of people with torn-out throats littering the streets? (Well, OK, not so much "torn out" as "breathed heavily on".) Why does Paul's lovely Real Estate agent have no pants on, and why does she return to Paul's flat in the middle of the night, get thrown down the stairs, and then leave again? Just what were these idiots thinking, anyway?! Meanwhile, on the SOL, Mike slips and cuts himself on Crow - in short order he has become a Were-Crow! But that's OK, he's perfectly comfortable with that! Crow finds Mike strangely attractive, but Tom has some "essence of Mike" available to restore things to normality. He'd rather not say how he came to have it, however. Werewolf gets a full five hairy stars from me. It just doesn't get any better than this. "It's not a good sign when the action in your movie is upstaged by a mural." ------------------------------------- MOVIES THAT SHOULDN'T BE Phil Gilson (c9705426@alinga.newcastle.edu.au) writes with a suggestion for a new feature for the newsletter: (Non-MSTied) Bad Movie Poll It's pretty obvious that all of us here are fans of bad movies, so I'd like to suggest a little poll to a) decide which is the worst and b) point some of us in the right direction to experience some truly dismal creations. The only rule is that the movie cannot have been featured in an episode of MST3K (we already know THEY'RE bad). I'll start it off: 1) Roller Blade 7 (aka Return of the Roller Blade 7, etc.) 2) Houseboat Horror 3) Basket Case 1 "Roller Blade 7" is ... God it's hard to put into words ... I really cannot imagine a worse movie. [Oh, a few watchings of MANOS or WEREWOLF will cure *that* problem, Phil - Ed] I've seen this thing 8 or 9 times and I still am not sure what the story is. It's completely mistifying. The cover of the movie proudly proclaims "Stallone" and "Esteves" but when you look a little closer, it says "FRANK Stallone" and "JOE Esteves". Both are dismal, but the rest of the cast don't even try (check the line delivery of 'Hawk' and 'Denaldo' in the first few scenes, it's hilarious). The exception is Don Stroud (who has been in Bab5, Star Trek, etc.) as the 'Desert Tux Marauder' who at least tries ... but fails miserably. There are long stretches of the characters skating around to some poor music interrupted now and then by a 'swordfight'. The problem is, no-one ever hits anyone else with a sword!?! The fight ends by one guy getting bored and slouching away! We reckon they borrowed the swords from a shop on the condition they didn't actually hit anything to avoid any damage. So how does a movie like this get made? Well, one look at the credits will tell you - The Master of Light Institute. I guess it's some hooky religion in California for rich idiots. Half of the cast are members (or worse, 'Grand Masters of Light". I really can't explain any more, but trust me and watch this movie. It is truly an experience you won't forget. "Houseboat Horror" is an Aussie attempt at a slasher movie and is really quite funny. The Late Show (D-Generation) 'reviewed' this once. I think it got 4 Dolph Lundgrens. :) "Basket Case" is just a crap horror film, you've probably seen it .... Anyway, I look forward to hearing your suggestions! Phil. Bruce is, um, proud to say that he possesses in his laser disc collection a genuine "Alan Smithee" film by the title of "Appointment With Fear". I bought it unseen because (a) it was extremely cheap and (b) I thought it was a different film altogether. Imagine my surprise when I unwrapped the packaging! It's a real stinker, a generic slasher movie where the killer is some weird supernatural dude (I think at the end of the film he's revealed to be a tree) who kills sex-mad teenagers for no particular reason. There are no appointments and even less fear. There is a tiny bit of "with" however. An event I have heard of in the US, and something I would like to try duplicating here one day, is where a bunch of people get together for a dinner party, with a selection of awful films of their choice and do impromptu group MSTings. (It's also quite fashionable to do this with episodes of Star Trek: Voyager.) Perhaps this column can provide a checklist to go haunting the local video shops with for just such an occasion! ------------------------------------- That's it for this time around. Please let me know about anything you liked (or didn't like)! Keep those cards and letters coming! Time to push the button .... Bruce MSTie #72759 Either of these e-mail addresses will get to me, both are checked regularly: bprobst@vitgbsd3.telstra.com.au <-- work bprobst@ibm.net <-- home