MST3K-OZ #13 9 November 1998 Welcome to the late-but-lucky thirteenth issue of the Antipodean MSTie Newsletter! It's been a madhouse - a madhouse, I tell you! An accident which kept me away from work for a month, followed by a move into my new house, and I've barely had time to think straight for ages. Why, I haven't even watched an episode of MST3K for something like six weeks! I may be suffering from withdrawal! However, things are settling down now, and I hope to be back in the swing of things, MST3K-wise any way, pretty soon now. Getting this issue out is the start of good things (I hope). As always, anyone who wants to get off this bus, let me know. If you know someone else who might want to see this, please get them to e-mail me to add them to the list. I won't add anyone who doesn't request it directly. Feel free to print this, show it to your friends, blow your nose on it - whatever works for you. Remember, this effort works best as a co-operative effort. If you've got something you want to share with us all, even if it's only a paragraph long, send it to me and I'll include it! I'm not fussy! As long as it's got something vaguely to do with MST3K and is somehow relevant to us, I'm happy to see it! As an editor I have a pretty relaxed style . -------------------------------------- CONTEST RESULTS Well, I'm sad to say that no-one took advantage of all that extra time to submit further entries, but at least what I got was pretty good. After much deliberation, the judges have cracked heads and come to the following decisions: 1st prize: "A Song" by Tom Marwede. This really tickled me, plus there was obviously a fair amount of thought put into it. Tom, you should get out more! Per his request, Tom scores the "Gunslinger" video. 2nd prize: "Red Zone Cuba review" by Alison Campbell. Alison neatly summarised the action, the drama, the joys and the pathos that is "Red Zone Cuba", cinematic wonder that it is. I laughed, I cried. Mostly I cried, in agony. I can't believe I've watched that film twice, even with the benefit of MSTing. Alison scores the Tom Servo "I'm Huge" t-shirt. 3rd prize: "Bad Movie Poll" by Phil Gilson. This is the sort of chat I'd like to see more of in the Newsletter (hint, hint!). Phil scores the "Manos" video. I know it's NTSC, Phil, but that's your problem, not mine . Tom & Alison will get their prizes when I see them next, Phil, you'll need to send me your postal address so I can send you your tape. Congrats to the winners, apologies to the losers, I just wish I had more prizes to spread around! And as for the rest of you - fer cryin' out loud, get off your butts and SEND ME STUFF! ------------------------------------- WE'RE ON THE WEB! Quintas has been working hard and has updated our Web site! I think it looks spiffy, if still a little sparse. But it's young, it'll grow! Visit http://www.fortunecity.com/lavendar/pimlico/131/oz.html! You know you want to! This is a site in continual development, so mind the girders and don't step in the paint! Suggestions for improvements always welcome! If you have any great ideas, or material to contribute, please forward them to Quintas (syntax@picknowl.com.au). -------------------------------------- NEWS OF NOTE As those of you who regularly check out the MST3K Info web site will know, Season 10 of MST3K has begun filming. For episode 1001, ex-Brains Joel and Frank return in special guest appearances! Also, there is new merchandise to buy, including Volume II of Tom Servo's Host segments and a new "Clowns in the Sky" CD! As if I didn't have enough to spend money on .... Check out http://www.mst3kinfo.com for the full skinny. -------------------------------------- SEPTEMBER MELBOURNE GATHERING REPORT September saw but a single Gathering, and a poorly-attended one at that. September was like that. (October was just a complete write-off.) September 12: #111 "Moon Zero Two" and #112 "Untamed Youth". In attendance: Tom and I. "Moon Zero Two" begins with one of those goofy sixties-style animated credit sequences that encourage you to think warmly of such cinematic greats like "The Return of the Son of Pink Panther's Revenge", or even better, "Casino Royale". It turns out to be the highlight of the film, as the credits display nothing to do with the plot. You've got your loser moon shuttle pilots, see, except that Our Hero was once a famous space explorer, but I guess he blew all his TV appearance and movie deals because nobody cares any more. Any way, they get hired by the bad guy, played by Warren Mitchell (think "Till Death Do Us Part" *) to do some underhanded sneaky sort of work on the dark side of the moon - something to do with recovering an asteroid made of solid tin, or something. Catherine von Schell (think "Maya" in Space:1999) is the sex interest (and she certainly makes sex interesting for me, at any rate). It's actually not really that bad a film, all things considered, but it's not all that good a film either. The "hilarious" slow-motion barroom brawl (see, it's slow-motion 'cause they're on the moon, see, and everyone knows when there isn't as much gravity, everything's in slow-motion, see ...) is not to be missed. (* A note to our American readers: "Till Death Do Us Part" was the original British sitcom that was the inspiration for "All In The Family". And as best as I can remember, "AitF" wasn't a patch on "TDDUP" in terms of genuine humour. But that could be my British bias showing. I mean, "Steptoe and Son" and "Man About The House" were hilarious, but did anyone ever really like "Sanford and Son" and "Three's Company"? But I digress - Warren Mitchell was the star of "TDDUP". He's actually a genuinely talented character actor. God only knows what he was doing in "Moon Zero Two".) "Untamed Youth" stars Mamie Van Doren's breasts. That's about all you need to know really. There's a bunch of stuff about teenage criminals (you know - hitch-hikers, jaywalkers, the sort of white-collar crime that's so prevalent in today's society) being used as slave labourers in a state-run scheme to grow more corn than any ten third-world nations could eat in a year, if only they could afford to eat at all. There's a bunch of singing and hip-hop jive dancing and stuff, but honestly, it's all about Ms Van Doren's chesticular area. ------------------------------------- HAPPY HALLOWEEN * [* Another weird American custom that no-one else in the world pays any attention to. Come on guys, what's so special about it? And hey, we don't celebrate Thanksgiving either .... But these things seem special to our US cousins, and, well, let's be perfectly frank (or Frank) and admit that MST3K is indeed made by and mostly for Americans. See, they can do something right every now and again! - Ed.] "Jenny For your Thoughts" - Jenny Erdahl OK before I start I want everyone take the time to thank God that Joel and Frank are making guest appearances. (Which is something that I will cover next month. But since there are no new episodes or a Turkeyday special I feel no need to rush. If you have heard any rumours, have any guesses or ideas what Joel and Frank are going to do send them to S364128@urgrgcc.edu.) Now with this month's article. In my dorm we are decorating for a haunted house for Halloween. It got me thinking how cool and scary a MST3K haunted house would be. Here are my ideas. You start in Season One by being greeted by Dr. Erhardt (Forrester's first assistant) who tells you to be careful for Dr. F may shoot you into space. Freak out as the Mole People chase you out of the room. Look out for Torgo who will try to paw you. You can tell you're now in Season Two as we see TV's Frank walking around without his head. His head would be on a table telling you to look out because here comes Dr.F. But too late Dr.F sees you and is going to shoot you into space. (Simulated by you going upstairs or something.) Now you're on the SOL and you think you're safe but No! Joel has dressed the 'bots as farm animals and thinks that he is the master. Scream as Timmy chases after you. You go into Tom Servo's messy room. Try not to become part of the mess. Look out as underwear and boxes of Hamdingers attack. Now you're in Season Six as you come out but you're in a parallel unverse. Dr. F and TV's Frank won't stop singing a song about Joey the lemur. See Evil Mike on TV screen. Run into and out of the theatre. Now it's Season Eight and the 'bots' clones are trying to make you one of them! Watch out for Pitch as he denies you ham. Race down the umblicus (going downstairs to the basement) and you're on the Ape planet and they're mad. See the big bomb and race out there just before it goes off. Now your on Observer's world and they're controlling Pearl and Bobo to kill you, with they're minds! Run as Mike destroys that planet also. Beware of the Space Children and Roman people as they try to get you. Now in Forrester castle you should be careful that Pearl doesn't see you on the couch. Brain Guy then shrinks you down as you go into another room. You can tell because everything is HUGE. Get back to regular size as you run out of the castle and this is one haunted house you're glad to be out of. What do you think Sir? [Jenny, I think you should stop smoking crack! - Ed.] ------------------------------------- MORE BAD MOVIES WE WISH THAT WEREN"T Alison Campbell (a.campbell@pmci.unimelb.edu.au) presents her views on the issues pressing heavily on us all. Just thought I'd add to the Bad Movie Poll [see last issue - Ed.]: "Batman and Robin" This movie was truly appalling, and I paid money to see the damn thing! How can I describe it ... it has OK actors, lots of tight costumes, OK SFX ... it *should* be OK, but they really, really screw it up. The memorable worst moments (for me at least) were: Batgirl is hanging from the edge of a bridge. Cut to her and Robin entering the Batcave - hey, don't let us bore you with the details of our thrilling escape. Later, Poison Ivy is fighting with a giant Venus Flytrap. In a move worthy of Ed Wood they *reverse* the footage and then run it forward again! And do it so badly that all four of us at this movie picked it up! And I swear she was actually wrestling that giant octopus from 'Bride of the Atom Monster'... ;-) IMHO this whole movie was an excuse to get Alicia Silverstone in a skin-tight black leather costume. The best thing about it was the closing credits, and the ads at the beginning - especially the one for the Australian Institute of Accountants (no kidding). [So, is there something WRONG with Alicia Silverstone in a skin-tight black leather costume? - Ed.] "Glen or Glenda" This is an Ed Wood movie - in fact, one of the first Ed Wood movies. In comparison to "Glen or Glenda", "Plan 9 from Outer Space" looks like a well-directed, finely crafted masterpiece. For starters, Plan 9 has a plot (well, OK, sort of). Glen or Glenda is (loosely) the story of two men - one is a cross-dresser (played by Ed Wood) and one is a transexual. Basically all the best bits of this movie are in the "Ed Wood" movie, and are much shorter and more interesting there. The ending of the story has the cross-dresser's wife accepting his cross-dressing, and the transexual deciding to undergo an operation. In between, buffalo roam, bullets fly, cars move slowly in peak hour traffic ("all those people ... all going somewhere ...") and Ed Wood uses up about 30 years worth of stock footage. This is a movie that should never be MSTed, simply 'cos it's boring and the jokes would run out way way too quickly. "Nemesis" This is a 'sci-fi' movie which I saw during one of the 24 hour marathons at the Valhalla Cinema in Melbourne so my opinions of it may be biased due to sheer exhaustion. Basically, this movie is about a disk containing the personality of (I think) a cyborg which has to go from someone in a boring flat somewhere to someone else in Hawaii. The movie begins with people being shot with small guns, and progresses in pretty much the same fashion. The guns get larger (from handguns to metre-and-a-half-long guns which have trouble going around corners), the body count rises, people dive off cliffs in Hawaii (we scored them about a 7.5), early stop-animation is brought into play, someone falls out of an areoplane (4.5 - they disintegrated on the way down) and eventually whoever it was that was supposed to get the disk does. The cyborg, who has been narrating the movie, 'dies' at this point. Unfortunately the movie continues for about another 20 mintues while they kill off three people who I'd never seen before and couldn't remember as being integral to the 'plot' in any way, shape or form. This actually wouldn't be a bad movie to MST... :-) "Godzilla" (the most recent one) Apart from the tradition aspect of it all (hey, they've done all the others), I would love to see this movie MSTed due to its lack of characters, over-reliance on SFX and the complete stupidity of its 'story'. Basic plot - a big monster starts attacking fishing boats en route to New York. Monster arrives in New York. Monster trashes a bit of New York. The US Army proves they can't hit a nine-storey moving target and trashes the rest of New York. Monster vanishes ("Where did the monster go?") in New York. Nerdy 1.5 dimensional scientist decides that he knows why the monster is here - to lay its eggs - and goes into New York with Jean Reno (who seems to be having fun in this movie) to find it. Blonde Love Interest - allegedly a journalist, although buggered if I can see it - and Hank Azaria (a cameraman without fear or intelligence) follow N1.5DS. Eventually they find the eggs, which then hatch as they're in the middle of them. The ending is as you'd expect, although a lot cornier and with the interesting effect of making you wonder what kind of idiots the US airforce hires as pilots these days. The movie manages to 'pay homage' to (i.e., rip off) "Star Wars", "Jurassic Park", "The Hunt for Red October" and various other movies including the other Godzilla ones. I sat through this movie with a mounting sense of disbelief, especially when it was 'revealed' that Godzilla was attacking fishing boats because they contained fish (obviously the rest of the ocean didn't), as the lines became worse and worse ("these creatures are born pregnant" being my favourite), as the characters became more and more 1-dimensional (some of them were a little less than cardboard cutouts) and as the number of lucky escapes rose above that of "Titanic". It was horrible. I laughed and winced the whole way through. Bring back "Godzilla vs. Megalon", that was much better .... ;-) [Bruce speaks: I'd like to add a rant here about an entire class of Bad Films: the ones produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and co. We're talking "Bad Boys", "The Rock", "Con Air", "Armageddon", etc. Some of these are more enjoyable than others (I didn't think "The Rock" was all that bad, actually) but they *all* have exactly the same premise: if something blows up every five minutes, it's a good film. They all base their entire reason for existence on the assumption that we, the audience, are rock-stupid and have no concept of physics, human nature or life in general. Hey guys - asteroids entering Earth's atmosphere *don't* travel horizontally down city streets! Attack helicopters armed with Vulcan cannons *don't* lose gun duels with passenger aircraft armed with losers firing pistols! Etc. etc. Aaarrggghhh!!! But they make squillions of dollars so they keep pumping them out. OK, they're not really all that different in concept to films like the James Bond series etc. - but the Bruckheimer films really go out of their way to combine extra-mindless plots with stupid scripts depicting events that most five-year-olds would feel beneath their literary dignity.] ------------------------------------- A POEM Jenny Erdahl (s364128@urgrgcc.edu) sent me the following poem, in honour of Joel (who as most of you are aware was a stage magician/stand-up comic before starting MST3K): The Red Jumpsuit Magician Jenny Erdahl Comes on stage sleepy-eyed Out of coma perhaps Familiar to dream land of whimsy They trust his honest face Then he pulls out props with puns Laughter helps him hide his tricks With slight hand and good jokes They are distracted by the magic Then he creates something new Out of thin air The father of these big laughs With three assistants Makes the pain go away With stuff that is just lying around Transformed into new inventions All the while putting on a show But during his act Evil sorcerers tries to steal his spotlight Never giving into the black magic He and his assistants cast spells to defend His white handkerchief always overcomes Smile crosses his rosy cheeks Take a bow, you earned it While the sorcerers concocts another curse Fascinated fans dare not look away For fear they might miss something But like all magicians He must disappear In flash smoke he is gone Leaving behind the magic And one colored jumpsuit. ------------------------------------- That's it for this time around. Please let me know about anything you liked (or didn't like)! Keep those cards and letters coming! Time to push the button .... Bruce MSTie #72759 Either of these e-mail addresses will get to me, both are checked regularly: bprobst@vitgbsd3.telstra.com.au <-- work bprobst@ibm.net <-- home