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Five Minutes After the A.S.C. awards ceremony. . .
The jumpsuit-clad Mike Nelson waved to the departing vessel on
the viewscreen. "Bye! And thanks for the ride to the ceremony!"
"It was great fun!" his robotic buddy Tom Servo chimed in.
Crow T. Robot added dazedly "Erk."
As the crew of the Satellite of Love waved goodbye, the
departing USS Stargazer accelerated to warp speed, and in a brilliant
flash of light, it was gone. The crew ceased their waving as Mike
checked the control console. After a moment, Mike looked up from the
controls. "It's confirmed. She's gone."
Tom gave a robotic sigh of relief, while Crow stood
motionless. Mike slumped to the console, clearly drained. "Whew. I
can't believe we made it through that one. That was just horrible. And
they teamed us up with HER. Still, that blue dress she was wearing was
rather attractive."
Tom turned to his human compatriot and replied, "Mike, you
just said that Marrissa was attractive."
Mike blanched. "Dear God. I did. I've been up in space waaay
too long."
Tom nodded and spoke. "You know, when we made fun of her in
the theater, I thought that she was just an annoying megalomaniacal,
teenaged, underqualified Starfleet officer. But now that I've met her,
I know that she's even worse. Right, Crow?"
Crow replied flatly, "Yes. She was much better than 'Cats.'
I'm going to see her again and again."
Mike looked quizzically at Crow. "Are you feeling okay?"
"I'm fine," Crow responded.
"Okay," Mike said. "I'm going to try and put this behind me.
I'm going to take a shower. Maybe then I'll feel clean again." Mike
shivered and headed off to his cabin. "Ugh. I smell like
strawberries," he mumbled as he left the bridge.
"You do that," Tom responded and then turned to Crow. "I'm
going to try and put this behind me too. It'll probably take some
time though." He stood quietly for a moment. "Okay, that's better.
Hey, Crow! I'm going to sneak outside of the Satellite and paint
Mike's porthole black. Then I'm going to tell him that she made the
stars go out. Wanna help?"
"I'm fine." Crow responded flatly.
"All right then." Tom turned and floated towards the airlock,
leaving the little gold robot alone in the room. Crow stood motionless
for several minutes. Then he began to laugh. It was a low chuckle at
first, but it soon became a laugh to make many a mad scientist
envious...
Stardate 61574.18
USS Enterprise-F
Captain Marrissa Amber Flores Picard Gordon Commanding
It was a fairly uneventful day on the Enterprise. The war with
the Romulans was still ongoing, but the Enterprise hadn't seen a
Romulan in several days. Consequently, Captain Picard was in her
ready room, catching up on her paperwork that was currently being
displayed on her viewscreen.
"Hmm. Supply needs to replicate some drones for the fighters.
Okay. We need to pick up consumables in the next three weeks. Noted.
All Excelsior class ships will now carry a runabout in place of two of
their shuttles. Check. Starfleet's re-released Star Wars in
celebration of its 500th anniversary. Fine. Heather O'Brien wants to
join the kid's crew. Kobayashi Maru score is borderline. Maybe after
she turns four. Travel itinerary for Ambassador Kamal.
Great."
Suddenly, Marrissa sat straight up in shock. "He's meeting
with the Thenisans on Starbase 17? Why didn't Starfleet inform me of
this? With the Romulan war going on, we need to keep good relations
with our neighbors more than ever before. Especially with the
problems with the Thallonians." A grin appeared on Marrissa's
face. "And I did negotiate an end to the Naklab war, after all. I'm
sure they'd appreciate my expert diplomatic help." Marrissa reached
over to the comm panel and tapped it lightly.
"Bridge. Ensign Cortez here."
"Ensign, set a course for Starbase 17."
"Aye, aye captain."
"What's our ETA at warp 7?"
"Two days, seven hours."
"Take us to warp 12.5. I have a feeling that they urgently
need my, er, our help there."
Crow stared at the newly completed machine. It was a
masterpiece. A truly elegant fusion of practicality and mayhem, and
soon, very soon, it would spell the end of that accursed Starfleet
officer... for Crow had built a trans-dimensional conveyor, a machine
which would send things from one universe to another. Soon, the scum
and villainy of the universe would take care of Marrissa, and all of
the universe would truly rejoice. Crow reached for the big red "on"
button, then realized that his arms weren't quite long enough to reach
it.
*Hmm,* Crow wondered. *If I can't reach the button, then how did I
build it?* He mentally shrugged at the problem, then slammed his beak
into the button. Sparks flew from the top of the machine, and as the
lights in the room briefly dimmed, the machine began to buzz. The
buzzing grew louder and louder until it ended with an earsplitting
"plonk."
"Bwah-ha-ha!!" Crow laughed, then he turned his head up to the
heavens. Granted, in the SoL, the heavens were also below and left and
right, but that's beside the point. Then he shouted, "Marrissa! Your
doom is on its way!" And the maniacal laughter resumed...
Starbase 17 was still several hours away. I really must speak
to Clara about increasing the maximum speed on this ship, Marrissa
thought. Oh well... at least there's still time for a quick snack.
Briefly wondering if strawberries are on today's menu, Marrissa
stepped over to her stateroom's replicator.
"Computer, a piece of strawberry cheesecake please."
"That item is not available."
Marrissa blinked in surprise. She'd never heard of anything
not being available for replication. Well, except for that time
Ensign Wallace tried to replicate that Cardassian robot death
machine. She checked the replicator's menu. Soup, soup, soup, soup,
soup, and waffles. Hmm, waffles sounded good, but without
strawberries to go on top of them, why bother? Oh well, she'd have
maintenance take a look at the machine. She hit her comm badge.
"Maintenance."
"This is Captain Marrissa Picard. Who am I speaking to?"
"Um, Captain Picard. Err, this is Ensign Adolphus Throwaway
Jr. speaking. Can I assist you with anything? Please?"
"Throwaway, Throwaway. Oh yes, Ensign Throwaway. You really
need to work on your Kobayashi Maru times. Your performance review is
coming soon, after all."
"Yes Captain," the Ensign replied meekly.
"Still that name sounds familiar. Hmm. There was a Throwaway
on my first away mission. Is there any relation?"
"Yes, Captain. He was my father."
"Ah. He was a good man. It's a shame that he was brutally
slain before my eyes. By the way, my replicator is broken. Could you
send someone to fix it?"
"Yes ma'am. Right away."
"Good. I'll be on the bridge." With that, Marrissa turned and
left the room, leaving the replicator behind.
"Curses!" Crow shouted. "I seem to have misplaced my profanity
file. Oh well, I'll make due with the made_up_profanity.txt file.
Feldercarb! That dag-blasted woman has eluded both the soup and the
waffles! Umm, waffles.. NO! I must resist the lure of the sweet
waffles..." Crow shook his head and mentally booted up McAfee's
Anti-Waffle 4.0. "Ah. That's better. Oh well, I have other
weapons to bring to bear."
Crow slammed his beak into the big red button and the machine
once again sprang to life. "BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
Crow bonked his head against the machine again and the laughter
ceased. "Calfurned laughter mechanism. Keeps sticking on me."
Meanwhile on the Enterprise-F's bridge...
"I am so bored," Lt. Kitner declared.
"Come on, Kathy. Are you bored of command already?" Ensign
Brooks sarcastically asked.
"Shut up Paul. Commanding a Starship while it's docked to a
Starbase isn't exactly the most exciting job in the world. Besides,"
she muttered, "The Captain could have at least invited me to the
party."
"Do you really want to be at another party with the Captain?
Remember the sing-along at the 'Welcome Aboard' party?" Brooks gave
a mock shiver.
"Yeah. Her rendition of 'Tie me Kangaroo Down' still haunts my
dreams .Still, it would have been nice to at least be asked. I mean,
come on. What can happen to a ship while it's still in spacedock?"
Suddenly, a high pitched whine, not unlike that of a
transporter beam, was heard on the bridge. "I should never have said
that," Kitner muttered. A small humanoid form materialized in front of
the view screen. It was a small furry being resembling, a bipedal
anteater with a scaly head, a huge pair of ears, and a trunk. As the
creature materialized, the pair of Ensigns drew their phasers, and as
the alien stared up at them, they triggered the phasers and fired,
vaporizing the poor beast.
For a moment, there was silence. Then Brooks turned to Kitner
and asked, "Isn't there supposed to be an alarm that sounds when a
phaser is fired?"
Kathy shrugged. "Maybe they didn't install one on the bridge.
You know, we could be in trouble for vaporizing whatever that thing
was. It could have been an ambassador for an unknown race." Brooks
nodded. There was a brief pause, and then Kathy said, "I'll forget
about this ever happening if you will."
Brooks replied, "Done." They shook hands and returned to their
posts. A silence prevailed for a few minutes and then Kathy said in
an overly loud voice, "Gosh, it sure is boring tonight."
"Yes. It sure is boring," Brooks responded in a monotone.
Captain Picard strolled into the lounge of the Starbase, with
her command staff following behind her. Yep, this was where the
action was. She could see the Thenisian diplomats chatting with their
Starfleet counterparts. She grinned and strode boldly over to the
nearest group of diplomats. A Thenisian diplomat noticed her
approach out of the corner of his eye, and quickly bobbed his head
in Marrissa's direction while rolling his eyes. The Federation
diplomat quietly sighed; then turned towards Marrissa, his face
beaming. Marrissa extended her hand to the Federation ambassador.
"Good evening sir. I'm Captain Marrissa Amber Flores Picard
Gordon of the USS Enterprise-F and heir to the crown of
Essex. I've come to offer my services."
The ambassador brightly responded, "Captain Picard! I'm
Ambassador Thomas Hewitt. It is an honor to meet you. And you
certainly came at a good time." He lowered his voice
conspiratorially. "I'm afraid that we have a bit of a situation
developing here."
"Really?" Marrissa queried.
"I'm afraid so. But we don't want to alert. . ." He paused and
lowered his voice, "Them... that we know what's about to occur. So,
let me quietly introduce you to the other players in this little
game." He motioned to his Thenisian counterpart. "This is
Counselor Polonius." Polonius gave a short bow. Hewitt lead
Marrissa to the other diplomats. "And this is Ambassador Onozuka,
Assistant Ambassador Foster, Counselor Brutic, Counselor Ownic..."
Marrissa nodded and greeted each person in turn.
Hewitt led Marrissa over to a nearby door, and opened it. He then
stepped through the door into a small room where several Starfleet
officers sat quietly.
"And this is Captain Hauser, Captain Ngome, Captain Wu , and
Captain Fuerstenberg." Marrissa shook hands with each Captain. Hewitt
leaned down and whispered, "Your fellow Captains have also learned
about the ongoing problem, but we can't broadcast our knowledge of it
yet. So, if you can sit over here until you're needed...?"
"Of course, Ambassador."
Hewitt beamed, "Splendid! We'll give you a call if you're
needed. Until then, please stay here. We don't want to alert
...them... to the problem, do we? No, of course not. Thank you for
your help, Captain Picard," he said as he left the room.
Meanwhile, on the Satellite of Love...
Crow slapped his head in frustration. Of course they'd
vaporized poor little Trumpy the second that he materialized. The
villains in most films that he'd . . . ahem, had the pleasure of
watching were so inept that a group of singing teenagers or brainless
scientists could defeat them. And why was Marrissa her annoying
post-marriage self instead of the 14 year old who took him to the
award ceremony? *Oh well,* thought Crow. *It must have something to do
with the time displacement frequency ratio between the various
universes. Either that or I set the controls on the machine wrong.*
In any case, he needed something more powerful than the usual
antagonists of the experiments. Maybe those Shadow things...
Behind Crow, the door suddenly opened and Servo wandered in
chuckling. "Oh boy Crow, you should have seen Mike's face when he
looked out his porthole. Hey! What's this?"
"This?" Crow said while frantically trying to block Servo's
view of the large machine. "It's a clock radio. Yeah, nothing but a
mere clock radio."
Servo faked to the right, then went hard to the left, nimbly
avoiding Crow. "Hey! That's a trans-dimensional conveyor isn't it? I
haven't seen one of these since I was on Galtros V. Boy, the high
Poobah was sure mad when I accidentally blew up the palace. I didn't
know we had one of these. What are we sending?"
Crow protested as he tried to keep Tom from adjusting the
controls, "Tom, this is a really sensitive piece of machinery..."
"Hey relax, Crow. I've dealt with one of these before. Oops.
The High Poobah's machine's switches didn't break off so easily.
Hey, I've never seen it whoop like that either."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Hey, all right already. Geez. Even the Galtrosians were nicer
than this." Servo huffed as Crow pushed him out the door. Crow then
activated the door lock and rushed back over to the machine. He
quickly deactivated the alarm and saw what damage Tom had done to the
machine. Everything seemed okay, until Crow checked the 'transmit
what?' setting, which was currently stuck at 'random.'
"Uh oh." Crow said.
Elsewhere:
"Holly McClaine."
"Hi hon."
"John!" Holly warmly said.
"Hey, guess where I'm calling from." Pause. "The plane! Isn't
that great? Seriously, I'll be in LA in three hours. You'll be at
LAX, right?"
"Of course, John."
"I'm really glad that you agreed to try and work things out
between us."
"I still love you, John." Holly said softly.
"Me too. Can you tell me what you're working on now?"
"John, I told you. It's a secret. Wait until you get here.
Oops, gotta go. I'll see you soon. Love you."
"I love you too," John replied. He placed the phone back in
the cradle and sighed. And three hours to go before he could get off
this plane. And he hated flying. Oh well, maybe they were showing
something decent on the in-flight movie. Hopefully, it's not
"Striptease." John shuddered at the thought.
Unbeknownst to John, a silvery circle had opened behind him.
With a whoosh of air, he was gone.
A small girl stared at John's now vacant chair. "Mommy, why
did that man just vanish?"
"He probably just went to the bathroom, honey. Finish your
coloring."
John McClaine opened his eyes. Moments ago, he was in a 747
bound for LA. Then he had heard something like a giant vacuum noise,
and suddenly he was in a small carpeted cabin.
"Ooookaaay," John muttered. "Rod Serling better not show up."
John looked around the room and catalogued the contents. There was a
bed. . . A small desk with a picture of a man and some kids floating
upon it. . . What looked like a small TV. . . Something resembling an
icemaker built into the wall. . . A window with a bunch of stars
beyond it... John stopped at that one. Stars. He was in outer space.
Well, if John knew anything, it was that anytime something strange
happened to him, Holly was in trouble. Well, except for that time
that he teamed up with that Zeus guy, but that didn't really count.
Well, John thought. I'm currently unarmed and stuck on some alien
ship. But things could be worse.
Suddenly, the door opened with a 'whooosh.' As he dove for
cover behind the bed, John thought to himself that he really
shouldn't assume that things can't get worse. Through the open door
strode the young Ensign Throwaway carrying a repair kit.
"Captain?" he asked nervously to the empty room. "I'm here to
fix your replicator. Are you here?" Moments passed. "Guess not. Whew.
Well, let's see what's wrong with you, little replicator," he said as
he strolled over to the replicator. Removing a tricorder from the
repair kit, he quickly scanned the replicator. "Hmm. Nothing
mechanical. Maybe it's a software problem." He glanced
at the tricorder display again. "Hmm. That's odd. Why I am reading two
life forms in the room? Hello? Who's there?" Ensign Throwaway turned
around and scanned the room again. He drew his phaser and loudly
said, "You! Behind the bed! I know you're back there! Show yourself!"
A moment passed, and then John slowly stood up with his arms
above his head.
Ensign Throwaway stared at the figure for a moment, and then
demanded, "Who are you, and why are you in the Captain's room?" He
continued speaking without pausing. "Well, whoever you are, you're in
big trouble. This isn't some freighter that you've wandered onto,
pal. This is the flagship. Come on," he said as he pushed the phaser
into John's back. "I'm taking you to the brig. And don't even think
about trying anything. I've got a phaser and I'm not afraid to
use it." He tapped the comm badge. "Ensign Throwaway to Security."
As he contacted security, he raised his head and stared at the
ceiling, giving John the opportunity that he needed. As Adolphus
stared at the ceiling, John spun around and delivered a strong right
hook to the young ensign's jaw. Throwaway's eyes went glassy and
unfocused and he slumped to the ground moments later.
"Hmm, that was easy," John mumbled. He knelt down to the
ground and grabbed the phaser.
"Security here. What's up Throwaway? Throwaway? Are you there?
Adolphus? Arrgh. Jimenez, go find Throwaway and see what's wrong.
He's probably gotten caught in the elevator again."
John realized that the little golden pin must be some sort of
communicator, and he took it. "I'm coming to save you, Holly," John
said with a grim look in his eyes.
"Bernard, how can you tolerate all of those Philistines
interfering in your diplomatic affairs? I mean those Starship
captains can fly a ship, but they have the diplomatic sense of a
small rock."
"Yes I know. Anytime we in the diplomatic corps hear of a
first contact, we cringe at the thought of what those captains have
promised that new race. And their methods...." Bernard shook his
head. "Years ago, one Starfleet Captain solved a diplomatic crisis by
locking the ambassadors in a small room and then letting them out
several hours later. Since then, all of them thought that they
could do it. So, the captain of the Repulse locked the Phenitian and
the Ilbic Ambassadors in the same room. While they were locked in
there, they decided to put their feud aside and declare war against
the Federation for its uncouth treatment of diplomats. We spent
months trying to repair that damage. And another... oh, wait. Here
comes another one of them now."
"Excuse me, I'm Captain Marrissa Amber Flores Picard Gordon.
Have you seen Ambassador Hewitt?"
"Why, not for several hours. But can I help you? I'm
Ambassador Bernard Lawson, and this is my Thenisian counterpart,
Counselor Felicitus." Bernard grabbed Marrissa's arm and steered her
towards a nearby group of diplomats. "And this is Ambassador Vogel,
Ambassador Frank, Counselor Andoticus....."
Before she could make any introductions of her own, Bernard
steered her to a nearby door, which opened. Bernard then dragged
Marrissa through the doorway.
"And this is Captain Hauser, Captain Ngome, Captain Wu , and
Captain Fuerstenberg."
"We've met," Marrissa said dryly.
Bernard brightened. "Splendid! You should have lots to talk
about then. Well, we'll call for you when they strike. Until then,
stay alert," Bernard as he exited the room.
"You know, I've been here for three hours now," Captain Wu
said. "I sure hope that the other side acts soon."
"I have to agree," replied Captain Fuerstenberg. "Say, did I
ever tell you about how I ended the Phenitian/Ilbic war?"
Marrissa sighed. She had suspicions that the diplomats were
purposely trying to keep them out of the conference, but why? Were
they Shapeshifters? Those alien things that crawled into people's
ears and then took over their brains and forced them to eat worms?
The Maquis? Oh, well. They were sure to act soon...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG
HHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" screamed Crow. He stopped for a moment and stared
at the machine for a moment, and then resumed his screaming.
"AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!" He paused again. "Okay, think Crow. How
can you fix the trans-dimensional conveyor? Oh yeah. Method #15." Crow
quickly walked to the control console of the machine and then took a
second to compose himself before launching into a flurry of kicks,
punches and butting his head into the machine. After a few minutes of
the assault, Crow ceased his attacks and examined the console again.
"Hmmm. No effect. Dag nab it. Method #15 almost
always works." Crow stared at the controls again, noting that the
machine was still transporting things. "Oh well,. Let's try number
16." He reached for the nearby chainsaw...
The security officer entered the darkened captain's quarters.
"Throwaway? Where are you? Computer, lights."
"Lights are malfunctioning."
"Great. Throwaway, did you get trapped in the closet again?
Throwaway? Hmmm, maybe he's in the bathroom." Jimenez walked towards
the bathroom, then suddenly stopped, spying a figure sitting in a
chair across the room. "Throwaway, what are you doing?" Jimenez
angrily asked as he walked towards the chair. He slowed as he
approached, noticing the figure was bound. "Throwaway?"
Jimenez asked quietly, while drawing his phaser and inching slowly
forward. Still no response from the ensign. Jimenez reached the
ensign and noted that there was something written on the ensign's
shirt. Lifting it closer to read it in the darkness, Jimenez read
aloud, "Ha, ha, ha. Now I have a phaser."
Jimenez looked up and quietly uttered, "Uh oh," as a form
dropped onto him. Moments later, John McClaine stood over the
unconscious security officer's body and grinned.
The Marine paused behind the ruined building in an effort to
catch his breath. Imps to the left of him. Demons to the right. Those
big floating heads that spat fire at him (but he couldn't remember
what they were called), ahead of him. Good thing that he found that
plasma rifle. He'd need it, he thought, as a silver portal opened
behind him. Hearing the sudden rush of air, he turned.
"Hmm. I don't remember a teleporter being there," he thought
as the portal whisked him elsewhere...
Ten-Forward was crowded that evening. Marrissa inwardly sighed
when she walked through the door. Crowds were the last thing that she
wanted to deal with tonight. Silently bracing herself, she walked to
the bar and sat at a stool.
"Evening , Captain." Mary, the newly assigned hostess of Ten
Forward, said cheerfully. "How were the negotiations?"
"Strawberry daiquiri. And keep them coming."
"That good, huh? You know, back when I was running my bed and
breakfast, I had a little philosophy..."
Marrissa spoke quickly in an effort to stop the impending
'life lesson' that Mary was about to give. "Anyway, I swear that
those diplomats were hiding something. Maybe they were plotting to
take over Earth... No, that's not it. Still, they're up to
something." Marrissa looked around the lounge for a moment.
"Seems crowded tonight."
"Some civilian came aboard and is holding some sort of
philosophical discussion over dinner. I think his name's Andy."
"Whatever. Just be sure that he's out of here by first watch.
To make things even worse, I got stuck in a side room with a bunch of
incompetents. I mean, you should have heard how low their Kobayashi
Maru times were...."
"I can't believe this. How big of an idiot do you have to be
to get lost in a starship? I mean, come on. There are maps every two
or three meters for Pete's sake."
"We are talking about Ensign Throwaway...."
"Yeah, he COULD get lost on a ship. But where did Jimenez go?
Come on, that's like having ..." <Clonk.> "Sara, did you hear
someth.." <Clonk.>
John smiled. This was just too easy. Even better, the thugs
weren't shooting at him like they normally do. Good thing too, as
John hadn't quite figured out how to work the phaser that he took off
of that Ensign Throwaway. He also couldn't find a door knob in this
ship either. At least the captain's door had opened after he had
pushed those buttons next to the door.
John dragged the unconscious bodies out of the middle of the
corridor and into a nearby doorway, then he jogged off down the
hall...
Gypsy steered the Satellite of Love on its journey through
the stars. To all outside observers, she was just quietly singing
the theme to "George of the Jungle." However, this was just a facade,
for Gypsy's powerful mind also ran most of the shipboard functions on
the vessel. At the moment, she was monitoring the power usage,
adjusting the shields to prevent a surge of radiation from
killing all aboard, scanning for aliens who might be looking for
Servo, keeping an eye out for Mrs. F, writing a love sonnet for
Richard Basehart, and computing the ship's hyper navigational data.
After all of this, she had just enough brain power left to steer the
ship and sing, "Watch out for that tree..."
Back in the higher corner of Gypsy's mind, she noted that
Crow's room was drawing an awful lot of power from the ship's
energy supply. It was almost as if he was running a trans-dimensional
conveyor almost constantly. After pondering it for a millisecond, she
decided to put it in the 'low priority messages to Mike' file. After
that Marrissa incident, he probably needed some time to relax before
being hit with another crisis. She filed the info away, and began to
sing again. "The Bugaloos, the Bugaloos. We're here and there and
everywhere...."
"Well, no. I don't believe in predestination, Andre. I fully
believe that I have the free will to act, and choose my own path,"
Marrissa said as she sampled the scampi on her plate. "Besides, if we
didn't have free..." Marrissa's communicator chirped to life. She
rolled her eyes and replied, "Marrissa here."
"Captain, this is Lieutenant Carver in Security. We've got a
bit of a situation here."
Marrissa unconsciously sat up straighter. "What's the
problem?"
"Well, um, we lost contact with a crewman in your chambers a
few hours ago. We then sent someone down there to find him, and they
vanished too. We've lost contact with six security officers so far.
When we finally got to your cabin, we found Ensign Throwaway tied to
a chair and unconscious."
"Throwaway. Hmm. That name seems familiar. Oh well, go on."
"Well, his communicator and phaser are gone , Captain."
Marrissa waited for the Lieutenant to continue, then when it
became obvious that she wasn't going to, she sighed and spoke.
"Computer. Lock onto Ensign Throwaway's badge. What is the present
location?"
"Ensign Throwaway is in Corridor 16 A," the Computer
responded.
"Beam him directly to the brig." Marrissa paused and then
redirected her reply to Lieutenant Carver. "See? All taken care of.
Marrissa out." She turned back to Andre. "So, you were saying?"
Down in the air ducts, John McClaine grinned. Switching that
comm badge with the badge on one of the downed guards had been a
good idea after all...
"No, I do think that Rosebud was just a sled. It didn't
actually represent..."
<Chirp>
Marrissa sighed. "Captain Picard here."
"Captain, Lieutenant Carver again. I'm in the brig, and well,
we've beamed in one of our missing guards. She's unconscious too. I
think that the intruder is still loose on the ship."
"Well, then.."
<Chirp>
"Hold on. Captain Marrissa Picard here."
"Captain, this is Lieutenant Andrews in Engineering. Captain,
we've just had a heavily armed soldier run through Engineering
shooting wildly and yelling 'Die, Demons!' Is there a drill going
on?"
"Well, no. Where was the person heading? How heavily was
he..."
<Chirp>
"Hold on. Captain Marrissa Amber Flores Picard Gordon here."
"Marrissa, Clara here. I just saw a talking pig in the
hallway. Is Q aboard?"
"Not that I know of Clar.."
<Chirp>
"What?!"
"Captain. Bridge here. There's a group of singing teenagers on
the bridge."
"Are they part of the Kid's Crew?"
"I don't think so."
"Well, please escor.."
<Chirp>
"Arrgh! Computer! Beam all people not wearing a communicator
directly to the brig..."
"Ahem," Andre said.
"Oh, sorry. Excepting those on Ten Forward. Do it now."
The computer returned, "That will exceed the brig's maximum
capacity."
Marrissa snapped back, "Then store the remaining patterns in
the transporter buffer and beam them in after we clear out the brig.
Understood?"
"Understood."
Marrissa exhaled frustratedly and turned to her dinner
companion. "Excuse me. I think I have a crisis to attend to. I hope
that you'll visit us agai..."
<Chirp>
"This had better be good," she replied angrily.
"Captain? This is Ensign Tyres. I've been guarding your cabin,
and a large hairy man wearing only a towel and carrying a bottle of
some sort of oily substance just walked out of your bathroom."
"Take him to the Brig," Marrissa whimpered.
Mike stared at the blackened porthole. How on Earth was he
going to get the paint off of there? Maybe that other guy left
something laying around.... As Mike began to search the stack of
stuff marked 'Joel,' Servo wandered in.
"Hi Mike," said Servo cheerfully.
"Oh, hi Servo. Say, do you think that you might clean the
paint off of my porthole?"
"What paint Mike?"
Mike rolled his eyes. "Well, where have you been ? You weren't
,say, building a gigantic statue of Marrissa or something, were you?"
"Heck no, Mike. I was talking with Crow until he threw me out
of his room. Geez, what a grouch. All I was trying to do was help him
invade another dimension with his trans-dimensional conveyor."
"Well, Servo. You know how Crow...Huh? Crow's invading another
dimension? I'd expect something like that from you, but not Crow.
When were you planning to tell me about this?"
"Oh, after the nanites built the Marrissa bot... Oops. You're
not supposed to know about that yet."
"Servo, stop those nanites. I'll take care of Crow!" Mike
shouted as he ran out into the corridor.
"Okay, Mike. Hey, the old BGC-1.9 drum machine! I was
wondering where we put that.."
Mike poked his head back into his cabin. "Servo. The nanites?"
"Oh yeah, Mike. I'll get right on it."
"Why are those girls dressed like cats and carrying guitars?"
"Just read the list, Dustin."
"Okay, um, twelve humans and/or humanoids."
"Check."
"Two mice, white."
"Check."
"One short humanoid, in a yellow and black suit and with claws
coming out of his hands."
"Check."
"One alien, playing with a piece of string and a small piece
of fruit."
"Check. Brrr. He gives me the creeps."
"Can the commentary. One 'Pauly Shore.' "
"Hey, buuuudddy. What's with the glowing cage?"
"Check. I thought that the Klingons killed all of them after
they killed all of the tribbles."
"Apparently they missed one. One potted plant."
"Check."
"One small yellow bear with a red shirt and a honey pot."
"Check."
"One Gorn."
"That's not a Gorn. That's a giant chicken."
"Stop joking around"
"Buck-buck-buckcaw!"
"See? A Gorn. One walking alien carrot."
"Check."
"Two 'lawyers.' Whatever they are."
"Check."
"One hyper intelligent mathematical series."
"Check."
"Talking vehicle."
"Err, one heavily-armed humanoid."
"That's not on my list, Dustin."
"Ahem," came a third voice.
The security officer looked up to see the muzzle of a very
large gun pointed at him. "Aren't you supposed to have been
transported to the inside of one of those cells?"
The Marine grimly pointed at a golden pin on his chest
and said. "I found these when I was going through the rooms looking for
ammo. Good thing, huh? Now, get in that cell," he said as he motioned
towards the nearest cell with his gun. The security officers meekly
nodded and entered the cell. The Marine smiled grimly and looked at
the nearby wall map. "The Bridge. That looks interesting." He then
turned and silently moved from the room.
The two security officers looked at each other and turned to
the cell's other occupant, a man clad in a white tweed suit carrying
a battered suitcase.
"Hi. My name's Forrest...."
Marrissa grumbled to herself as she walked towards the
elevator. This was turning out to be a horrible day. *It's a good
thing that I have that unarmed combat class tonight*, Marrissa
thought to herself. *I can work out some tension there.* She stopped
at the elevator door, waiting for the elevator to arrive. Suddenly
she felt the tip of a phaser touching her neck. She slowly turned her
head around to the man holding the phaser.
"Where's Holly?" said the voice from behind the phaser.
"Who?" Marrissa replied.
"Holly McClaine. Or Genero. She keeps changing it back and
forth."
"There's a Holly Giseppi in the Kid's crew. Are you looking
for a six year old?"
"No, I'm looking for my wife. She's got to be aboard."
Marrissa looked up and said, "Computer. Is there a Holly
McClaine aboard this ship?"
"I have no record of such a person."
Marrissa cocked her head slightly, "See?" She paused for a
moment then added, "Maybe she's on the Starbase. Part of the
diplomatic mission perhaps?"
John nodded his head and pointed the phaser away from
Marrissa. "Yeah. I'll try there. Sorry about holding you at
gunpoint." He turned and began to jog down the hall.
"No problem," Marrissa said as the doors to the elevator slid
open. She stepped into the elevator and stated ,"Bridge."
The other crewmember in the elevator stared at Marrissa for a
second and then asked, "Captain? Was that man holding you at
gunpoint?"
"I didn't see anything."
"But..."
Marrissa turned to the crewmember and said emphatically, "I.
Didn't. See. Anything. Understand?" The crewmember nodded meekly.
Marrissa turned back to face the elevator doors. She stood quietly
for a moment, and then quietly said, "Besides, the safety light on
the phaser was on."
Crow cackled maniacally. "Finally," he said. "I've regained
control of this hedblarned machine. Now I can send the one person in
all of the universes who can stop that kripted Marrissa!!!" Outside
the room, something began to pound on the door. "Nothing can stop me
now!!!" Crow shouted as his beak descended towards the big red
button....
"Nice job at the press conference, Mr. President," the Press
Secretary exclaimed. "I think that the press won't ride you too hard
during the upcoming re-election campaign, sir. You've got them in the
palm of your hand."
"I'm just telling them the truth," the President replied.
"Hey, that's new around here." The Press Secretary grinned
broadly. "I'll go do some spin control, and then debrief you after
dinner, okay?" The President nodded. "See you in an hour, sir."
The President mildly shook his head as he walked towards the
residential wing of the White House. He turned to his Secret Service
escort and asked, "Ron, could you go tell Cathy and the kids that
I'll meet them in the dining room after I've freshened up?"
"Sir, you're not supposed to be alone for any period of
time..."
"Ron. We're in the middle of the White House. I'm perfectly
safe. Besides, Tom will be waiting for me at the door to my room.
I'll be fine. Okay?" The Secret Service man shook his head. "I can't
do that sir." The President sighed with an air of resignation and
continued his progress towards his room.
Suddenly, the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end, and
it felt like an electrical charge was building up behind him, and he
could swear that he heard a vacuum start to whir...
Back at Crow's room, Mike was busily trying to circumvent the
lock on Crow's door. "Gee, Nelson. We need a worker at this Deep 13
place. They're preparing for an audit and need some temp help. Wanna
do it? They've got donuts... I should have taken that gig at
Starbucks." As the door once again failed to open, Mike glared at the
door. "If only I had something that I could use to batter the door
down. . ."
Tom Servo floated around the corner. "Hey Mike! Okay, the
nanobots have stopped building a Marrissa bot. They're working on a
Carrot Top droid instead. Okay?"
Mike turned to face the red robot and grinned evilly.
"Uh-oh," mumbled Servo.
Marrissa stepped off of the elevator and onto the Bridge. The
Bridge crew seemed quite relieved to see her there. The acting
command officer, Lt. Kitner ran over to Marrissa.
"Captain, the whole ship has gone crazy. We've got reports of
strange things happening all over the ship and it hasn't slowed down
since you transported that first batch to the brig."
"Where's the regular Bridge staff?" Marrissa asked, looking
around the bridge and seeing none of the regular crew members.
"We think that they were loaded into the transporter buffer
when you gave that order a while ago. Most of them were off duty,
Captain, and we can't override your orders without their approval."
Inwardly, Marrissa cursed. Oops. Still, she had a reputation
to protect... "Well, with the strange events, I thought that they'd
be safest as disembodied energy patterns. Still, have the occurrences
formed any sort of pattern?"
"No, Captain. They appear to be random, as far as we can ..."
As Kitner was speaking, several things began to occur. The air duct
flew from its mooring as a black chitinous bug-like creature leapt
through it and into the bridge. At the same time, the ready room door
flew open and the Marine stormed through it, ready to fire at any
target that presented itself. Behind Marrissa, the elevator door
hissed open and a heavily-armed skeleton constructed of metal
stalked its way out of the elevator. From underneath the science
console, a gelatinous mass began to ooze its way out and onto the
bridge. And above the Captain, appeared a being that mere human
thoughts can not begin to describe.
Marrissa saw all of this and had only one thing to say....
"Come on Servo, we're almost done with the door!"
"Mike, you don't need to use my head as a battering ..."
<CLANG>
With a mighty clang, the door to Crow's room flew open and
Mike and the weary Tom Servo charged into the room.
"Crow! Don't do it!" Mike yelled at the golden robot.
"You're too late Nelson! Nothing can stop me now!
BWAH-HA-HA!!!"
Meanwhile on the SoL's bridge, Gypsy once again noted that the
energy drain from the trans-dimensional conveyor was climbing to
dangerous levels. If a few ergs more of energy were drained, it
might disturb the "Happy Birthday Richard Basehart" cake that she was
baking. So, with a slight twitch of the electrons, Gypsy shut off all
power to the conveyor. She was going to have to talk to the boys one
of these days...
With the power to the trans-dimensional conveyor gone, the
creatures summoned by the machine began to snap back to their
rightful universes, and the effects of the machine disappeared like
the wind...
The President turned around, and out of the corner of his eye,
he saw a silvery disc contract and vanish out of existence. He turned
back to Ron. "Did you see something behind us, Ron?"
"No sir, Mr. President."
President Ryan shrugged and turned back around. Maybe the
stress of the job was getting to him. He'd talk to Cathy about it
over dinner tonight...
"GET THE HELL OFF OF MY SHIP!!!" Marrissa shouted at the
assembled throng of creatures on the bridge. An instant later, they
were gone. Marrissa looked around the bridge, saw no monsters, and
then nodded. "Good. See, people? All you need to do is issue the
right commands and everything will turn out fine." She
walked over to her chair and sat down. The crew looked confused for a
second, but they then returned to their normal activities.
After a few moments of work, the communications officer
raised her head and said, "Captain? The Starbase is hailing us."
"Onscreen." A harried looking image of Ambassador Hewitt
appeared.
"Captain? Thank goodness that we got in contact with you. Some
madman just barged into the reception waving a phaser around and
shouting that he was looking for his wife. And then, he just
vanished! In light of this, do you think that you could possibly
provide us with some extra security personnel?"
Marrissa smiled, "Of course Ambassador. In fact, I'll
accompany them myself. Maybe I can help you with your ongoing
diplomatic efforts..."
As Mike and Servo prepared to lunge at Crow, the lights on the
trans- dimensional conveyor suddenly blinked off, and the machine
hummed to a stop.
"What?" Crow shouted. "How can this be?" As the golden robot
looked forlornly at the dormant machine, Mike ran over to Crow and
hit Crow's OFF switch, ending the rantings.
"Gee Mike, I didn't even get the chance to set up the
Fight-Theme-O-Matic 5000." Servo proclaimed.
"Quiet, Servo. Let me fire up Crow's diagnostics. Here we go,
robot help menu by J. Robinson. Robot damaged? No. Robot is singing
constantly? No. Robot has constant desire for waffles? No. Ah, here
we are. Robot acting like evil mad scientist? Bingo. Okay, starting
diagnostic." A ping was heard and a small device was ejected from
Crow's head. The monitor read 'All systems normal.' "Check.
Hit reboot button. Okay." Moments after Mike hit the reboot button,
the lights behind Crow's eyes reappeared, and the little robot flared
back to life.
"Whoa, I feel lousy. Did they force us to watch Manos again?"
"No, Crow," Mike replied. "You turned into an evil being and
you were trying to kill Marrissa."
"Oh. Well, at least I was doing something constructive."
"Crow, why'd you do it?"
"Did I really need a reason, Mike?"
"Hey Mike, look at this." Servo said while holding up a small
computer chip. Mike took it from Servo's outstretched hand and
examined it.
"Hey, this looks like your CPU chip, Crow."
"Oh, that. That's not mine. It's Timmy's"
"YOUR EVIL TWIN TIMMY'S CPU CHIP??" Servo shouted.
"You have an evil twin? " Mike shook his head and continued.
"Never mind, I don't want to know."
"Yeah, Timmy's. When he came aboard, he gave me that computer
chip. He said it was in case I ever wanted to feel emotions."
"My, how Star Trekian," remarked Servo.
Mike was silent for a moment, and then stated, "Crow, you
already HAVE emotions."
Crow looked puzzled for a moment and then replied, "Oh. Right.
I guess that it was kind of stupid of me to put it in then wasn't it?
Oh well. Hey, is that a chainsaw?"
And things returned to normal on the Satellite of Love. The
abducted beings were returned to their proper places in the universe,
and life began to resume its normal pattern. Things were back to
normal. Almost.
"So. Let me get this straight," the marine said. "We're stuck
in this satellite, and we're being chased by a madwoman driving a
space van and she's forcing us to watch bad movies?"
"Yeah, that about sums it up," Mike returned.
"And we don't have any guns?"
"Nope."
"I think that preferred being chased by imps."
[Pfffffft!]
----\- | -/
-----\ | /
----- O -----
-----/ | \
----/- | -\
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters are the copyright of
Best Brains, Inc.
Star Trek is a copyright of Paramount/Viacom.
Marrissa is also the copyright of Paramount, just in case anyone was
wondering.
Marrissa's supporting staff are the creation of Steven Ratliff.
Pod People is a copyright of Almena Films
John McClaine is the copyright of Twentieth Century Fox.
The Doom Marine (Joe Doom?) is the property of Id Software.
My Dinner with Andre is the copyright of The Andre Company
Jack Ryan is the copyright of Tom Clancy and The Jack Ryan Limited
Partnership
Bono and the boys would like to thank Yamaha drums, Paiste, Pro-Mark,
DR Strings, Aer Lingus, Rock-It-Cargo, and Aidan MacRory
No infringement of any copyright is intended.
The author would like to extend his sincere apologies to Mr. Steven
Ratliff for the preceding story. It won't happen again. Honest No
really. I mean it. And I'll send in the speech after my co-authors
add their pieces in.
