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This is the first in what, if I can keep on top of things, will be
an ongoing event: A piece of ongoing fiction based on
The movies of MST3K. The frame of this story will be the
partnership of "Riding With Death" main character Sam
Casey and the lovable Mitchell as they team up to go
through a series of events and film parodies... If this
is no good, please give me notice, and I will promptly
stop it. Well, here goes nothing:
Episode One: The Meeting
INTERCEPT agent Sam Casey was walking to work one bright, sunny day in the
seventies. He began to notice some- thing strange. Sure, it took him a couple
of hours, but eventually
he caught on that something wasn't quite right. So, he went to his boss,
Leonard Driscoll, who was cleaning his glasses.
"Hey, you turkey, what's going on?"
"Oh, hi, Sam. Well, INTERCEPT has been having some budget problems. Hyper advanced super-computers don't grow on trees."
"I can't see where your getting at," replied a confused Sam Casey.
"No surprise there," Mr. Driscoll said underneath his breath. "Well," he continued, "we've merged with another secret agent organization: H.A.R.M."
"Harm? What does that stand for?"
"I have no clue... anyways, you've got a new partner."
"It isn't that self-conceited Adam Chance guy, is it?"
"Um, no, he was killed a week ago in a bizarre archery accident. We've assigned you with a former cop turned agent his name..."
The conversation was suddenly interrupted by a loud snoring noise. Passed out on the couch was an overweight, unattractive drunkard. Drool was caked over the couch.
"Um," continued Leonard, "this is your new partner. His name is Mitchell."
Sam was flabbergasted. "But I've already got an unappealing comic sidekick," stuttered Sam.
"Well, get rid of him. We need you to handle this guy. H.A.R.M. would only merge with us under the condition that we get this wanna-be secret agent out of his hands," said a weary Leonard.
"...hot dogs...," muttered Mitchell in his sleep.
Leonard kicked Mitchell. "Wake up! It's time to meet your new partner!" he screamed.
Mitchell awoke with a glaring headache. "Huh?"
Sam Casey attempted to introduce himself. "Hi, I'm Sam Casey, and I'm your new partner."
Mitchell took one look at him. "You look like a total fruit," he announced.
This is going to be a tough day, thought Sam.
Sam was just about to leave his office when he got a phone call from his
good buddy Buffalo Bob.
"Well, how'ya doin' Sam?" asked Buffalo in his normal over-excited tone.
"Um, hi Buffalo," replied Sam nervously. How would Bob handle his new partner?
"Hey, I was thinking that I could go get beat up by some rednecks today, or get duped by another female criminal, and then have you rescue me!"
"I don't think so today...,"
"Well, why not? What else have you got to do?"
"Listen, Buffalo, I've got a new partner."
"What?"
"His name is Mitchell, I don't like him, but I have to keep him or else I get fired. Sooner or later I'll get rid of him, but for the time being we'll just have to be friends."
"Friends? But what am I to do? Being a comical sidekick is my life! I'm otherwise unemployable!"
"That's not true. You can... um, start singing those novelty songs you sing. I bet you could start a career out of that! Heck, you might even get your own variety show!"
"Ha! Like that could ever happen! Who'd want to watch a show with dumb old me?"
Buffalo Bob had stumped Sam there. "Well, can we still be friends?"
"Friends? FRIENDS?! You'd betrayed me! I'll never forgive you, or this Mitchell fellow!" Buffalo hung up. What a strange and unmellow type of guy, thought Sam.
It was no fun carpooling with Mitchell. First of all, the stench was unbearable.
Secondly, he got beer all over the place. And finally, there was Mitchell's
rambling conversations.
"Y'know Sam, everyday I become more and more convinced that the best and the wisest is to focus our attention on beer and shooting people."
"You're some guy, Mitchell," understated Sam.
Mitchell belched loudly. "You know what? Sometimes I feel that my whole life is just some cheap B-movie being made fun of by a janitor and a couple of writers."
Wow!, thought Sam, that's exactly how I feel. Maybe this guy isn't so bad after all. Sam began to speak, "You know, that's how I-"
Mitchell suddenly interrupted him. "Hey, Sam, could we pull over to those bushes over there? I've got to go drain the lizard."
Just remember, thought Sam, think mellow thoughts. Think mellow thoughts.
Think mellow thoughts..
Episode Two: The Odd Couple
(In the last exciting episode of "Riding With Mitchell," INTERCEPT
agent Sam Casey was stuck with ex-cop Mitchell as a partner.
He was forced to let go of his old partner, Buffalo Bob.)
Mitchell came back from a hard day's binge to his apartment and his loving
girlfriend. He should have realized something was wrong when he saw the word
"JERK" written on his car in lipstick, but Mitchell's never been the smartest
chip in the bag...
His girlfriend, Linda Evans, was angry at him for some reason. How could she be angry, thought Mitchell, I haven't been back in weeks...
"I CAN'T believe you, Mitchell! I give up everything to live with you, and what do I get it return? Dead fish in my fish tank, and an occasional arrest! I've sunk the lowest I could get with you! I feel too dirty, I'm going back to prostitution..."
"Huh?" said Mitchell.
"I'm kicking you out!" she screamed.
"But, this is my apartment!" replied a confused Mitchell.
"Details... details...," said Linda, "just get your stuff and go."
Let's see, thought Mitchell, what stuff of mine is here? Well, there's the beer, the Pringles, the small TV, the porn magazines, more beer, my guns, Bachman-Turner Overdrive records, beer, and baby oil... That's about it...
And as soon as he got all of his stuff together, Mitchell was thrown out. "Great! Now where am I going to live?"
Sam Casey had his pad all well done.. shag carpeting, lava lamps, "Have a
Nice Day" posters... Just a groovin', mellow pad. He bet chicks would really
dig this pad. Like Abby. That Abby, she's some gal.
BUZZZZZZ!!!
"Who could that be?" asked Sam out loud.
Sam heard the faint sounds of snare drums and funky guitars. He spied through the keyhole. It's was him. "Go away!" Sam yelled.
BANG! The doorknob shot clear off... Doesn't this guy have any thoughts about property value? Typical B-movie cop.
Mitchell opened up the door. Loud, blaring synthesized cheesy funk flooded the room. "What's that obnoxious sound?"
"Why, that's my wack-a-chika theme music!" replied Mitchell.
"Oh, I have that too," replied Sam, "only it starts up when I've actually done something...,"
"Well, I never do anything. So my music just starts up whenever."
"Oh," Sam quickly cut the small talk and got back to the point, "What are you doing in my pad?"
"You see," said Mitchell laying down on a couch, "my girlfriend just kicked me out of my apartment, and I need a place to crash. So, I thought, hey, why don't I go to a friend's house? Then I realized I had no friends, so I decided to come here."
"Well, what if I don't-"
Mitchell cut Sam off. "Could you go get my stuff? It's in the car. Just put
the beer in the fridge. I'm gonna take a nap." And, just like that,
Mitchell was out like a smelly, beer-swilling light.
(The next day, at Sam's apartment)
Sam: Hey, what happened to our fiction format?
Mitchell: (Finally awakening from sleep) Don't worry about it, the story
shifted into genre parodying.
Sam: But, didn't Hunter already parody sitcoms with "Caligula-The Sitcom?"
Mitchell: Could we stop breaking the fourth wall? It's giving me a headache!
(The doorbell rings. Sam runs to open it, but is caught by Mitchell.)
Mitchell: Hey, Felix, relax... I got a couple of "ladies" to help me clear
my mind of all my girlfriend problems. So, could you make your-self invisible.
(Sam becomes invisible. Laugh-track.)
Mitchell: Hey, I didn't know you could do that.
Sam: Er... I'm not allowed to turn invisible too much, budget problems...
(Mitchell opens the door... two obvious prostitutes enter.)
Mitchell: Hey ladies... I'll go grab you two a beer... (Leaves for kitchen)
Prostitute #1: (to partner) Sue, are you sure we should do this? He smells
like beer nuts!
Sue: Relax, Diane, he's promised us five thousand dollars for one hour! That's
a
bargain.
Diane: Well, how is he going to pay that? He doesn't look like he makes
too much money...
Sue: He borrowed it from his roomate...
Sam's voice: WHAT?!
Diane: Who said that?
(Mitchell returns with two beers.)
Mitchell: Don't worry... I was just watching some TV... Now, how do you like
your beer?
Ice-cold or luke warm.
Sam & Diane: (at once) Cold.
Mitchell: Oh... well, then I better put these in the refrigerator.
Diane: Listen, could we just get this over with?
Mitchell: Okay... be that way.
(Mitchell pulls off shirt... Sam can be heard making retching noises...)
Sue: What's that?
Mitchell: It's just my cat... my fruity, ultra-mellow, blonde cat...
Sue: Oh.
(Doorbell rings...)
Mitchell: Uh oh, that must be our wacky neighbor!
(Sam becomes visible)
Sam: What wacky neighbor? I don't have a wacky neighbor.
Diane: NO! It CAN'T BE!!!
(They both run out of the door. A figure is barely visible.)
Mitchell: He's an old friend of mine... he just moved in.
(Sam opens the door... it's Torgo. The Torgo theme plays non-stop.)
Torgo: cAn i BORrow A CuP oF SuGar? thE MaStER iS alL OUt of SuGar...
(Sam slams the door...)
Sam: I knew it! This whole thing turned out to be yet another Torgo vehicle!
Genre parody? Ha!
(to Mitchell) Take the apartment, okay? I don't want it! I'm getting a new
pad!
(Sam stomps off...)
Mitchell: Ha, works all the time! (Sits down on couch. Looks around) This
place is going to need some redecorating... (yells to door) Hey, Torgo, want
to help me with something?
End of part two...
