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I acknowledge the characters of Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Mike
Nelson, Gypsy and Doctor Forrester plus the "Satellite of Love"
are the property of Best Brains. The character of Rikki Lake is
the property of Rikki Lake. This is a work of fan fiction,
enjoy.
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(FAM: female audience member, MAM: male audience member.)
Prologue:
This is a partial transcript from "The Rikki Lake Show." The
theme of the show is "I Have the Boss From Hell." Rikki has
already interview people who worked for Bob Packwood and Maury
Povich.
Back from a commercial break, the only thing sitting on the stage
is a large screen television (It's a Sony).
Music and audience applause
Rikki "Welcome back. Our next guess says his boss is so bad, he
couldn't even make it to New York . . . "
Audience boos.
Rikki " . . . or even the planet Earth."
Audience boos and whistles.
Rikki "You see his boss, knocked him on the noggin and shot him
into space. From out in earth's orbit, let's give a warm
welcome to Mike Nelson and his co-workers; Crow, Tom Servo
and Gypsy."
Audience applause
Mike "Rikki you forgot Cambot."
Rikki "And you too Cambot. Okay Mike, tell us why you have the
boss from Hell."
Mike "Well Rikki, like you said, my boss, Doctor Forrester,
knocked me unconscious and sent to me live on "The
Satellite of Love," about 100 miles above earth's orbit."
Audience boos and makes catcalls.
Mike "Oh, but it gets worse then that Rikki."
Rikki "How Mike?"
Crow (with arm raised sounding like Arnold Horshak)
"Oh, oh, Mike, let me tell, Ooo please!"
Mike "Okay, Crow, you little jitterbug."
Crow "He makes us watch bad movies all day like..."
Tom (interrupting Crow) "Cry Baby."
Mike "Now Tom, that wasn't nice. "Cry Baby" was a good movie.
You shouldn't insult our host like that."
Tom "Well I didn't like it. By I must said, Rikki you've lost a
lot of weight since then."
Audience applause
Rikki "Why, thank you Tom."
Tom "Guess it must be nice not having your own zip-code any
more."
Audience boos.
Mike "Now Tom, if you don't stop insulting Rikki, I'll have to lock
you in your room and the next time you'll be on national t.v.
is when Dennis Miller is hosting "Larry King Live" because
Larry's out having another heart bypass or divorce! Is that
understood, you little space monkey?"
Tom "Yes, Mike."
Crow "Boy, Tom, you're whipped!"
Audience laughs and cheers.
Rikki "I guess being forced to watch bad movies is hell. But
don't movie critics have to sit through a lot of bad
movies?"
Mike "Yes, but occasionally a critic gets to see a good movie."
Crow "Yes, like 'Showgirls'."
Mike "That wasn't a good movie."
Tom "You know I was thinking. How sad it must be for that guy
who plays Skeech. He's been who on "Saved By the Bell" for a
zillion years. And yet the only way he gets to see his co-
star naked is to pay seven bucks at the theater. I bet
George Clooney doesn't have that problem."
Rikki "Let's try to get back to the subject. Why is your boss so
bad?"
Crow "Well, he killed his assistant Frank"
Audience gasps.
Rikki "Oh my God!"
Tom "Yea, he killed him a couple of times"
Rikki "Say what!"
Mike "Rikki, Doctor Forrester killed Frank a couple of time and
brought him back to life. Finally, Frank was raptured into
second banana heaven with Torgo."
Rikki "Oh, I see."
Crow "Now Manos, there was a boss from hell."
Mike "That's because he was Satan."
Tom "Rikki, I bet you'd love to have Satan on your talk show."
Crow "Tom, that's how she got the show, I think he's her agent."
Mike "Now come on guys, let's be nice to our host. Say you're
sorry."
Tom & Crow "We're sorry."
Crow "You know Rikki, we don't have a green room up here, that's
why we're so sarcastic, plus all the stress that comes from
watching bad movies."
Tom "It's a miracle Michael Medvid is still alive."
Rikki "So why are you made to watch bad movies? Is Doctor
Forrester writing a movie guide?"
Tom "No, Leonard Maltin already did that."
Mike "Well actually Rikki, the Doctor is doing a mind control
experiment. You see, he wants to take over the world."
Audience moans.
Rikki "You mean like "Pinky and the Brain?"
Crow "Except Doctor Forrester's a rat."
Rikki "And what does Doctor Forrester plan to do if he takes over
the world?"
Tom "Same reason why Bill Clinton and Bob Dole are running for
president, I think you get a really cool desk."
Rikki "Someone in our audience has a question"
FAM1 "How come Gypsy hasn't said anything yet?"
Gypsy "Well, I, I mean, well, I run the ship."
Hush falls over the audience.
Rikki "You mean while the guys sit around watching movies, Gypsy
does all the work?"
Audience boos.
FAM1 "You're just like my boyfriend, he just sits on his sorry
butt all day while I . . . "
Tom "Attend talk shows."
FAM1 "Yea, but at least I get out of the house."
Rikki "Hey girlfriend, why don't you dump him."
Crow "Because it's hard to find men with low standards."
Audience boos.
Mike "Now my little 'bots, calm down."
Gypsy "Rikki, can I say something?"
Rikki "Go girl."
Tom "Go . . . " (Mike covers Tom's mouth.)
Gypsy "Well, the guys are nice to me. And they have the worst job
on the "Satellite of Love." They had to sit all day and
watch really gosh-awful movies. All I do is monitor the
satellite systems and if something goes wrong then I fix
it. Anyway, I tried their job and wasn't too good at it. I
do have the better job."
Mike "Oh, thanks Gypsy."
Gypsy "But now I want a raise!"
Audience cheers.
Rikki "And you have a question?"
MAM1 "What's it like to do the wild thing in outer space?"
Tom "If it's anything like watching 'The Wild Rebels" in outer
space, you'll get sick."
MAM1 "I have another question, What's the worst thing about your
boss?"
Crow "Well, he hates me because I'm black."
Audience boos.
Rikki "But Crow, you're gold"
Crow "I'm gold platted, underneath I'm black. You see, me and Mr.
T are members of the same tribe. In our tribe, people wear
a lot of gold to show pride in our heritage. Mr. T thought
he had more pride by wearing a shipload of chains. I decided
to do him one better and be gold platted. I pity the poor
fool who tries to top that."
Tom "Crow, You go guy, you've O Geed."
Mike "Crow, I think most of your parts come from Asia."
Crow "It's what's in your heart that counts."
Audience cheers.
Mike "But you don't have a heart, you're a robot."
Crow begins to cry.
Audience boos at Mike.
Rikki "Mike, anyone who can cry, must have a heart."
Audience cheers.
Mike "I'm sorry Crow, I guess a heart is more then just a body
part. Let me give you a hug my little tin man.
Crow "Okay, my big scarecrow."
Mike & Crow hug.
Tom "Oh great, their getting WD40 all over each other."
Rikki "Tom, I think it's insensitive to interrupt an emotional
moment like that. And we'll be right back after this break
with a surprise guest.
Audience applauds and theme music.
Promo appears on screen with Rikki's voice over.
"Is your dog humping someone else's Leg? Then call 1-800-GO-
RIKKI, and you could be on a future show!"
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Theme music and audience applause.
Rikki "Welcome back. We've asked our friends up in space to hang
around. For those of you just joining us, Mike Nelson was
beaten unconscious by his boss, then sent to live on a
satellite orbiting the earth. He's being used as a guinea
pig by his boss, who hopes to take over the world. Along
with Mike are his robot friends; Tom Servo, Crow, Gypsy and
Cambot, who is filming this from up in space."
Hey guys, where's Gypsy?"
Mike "Oh, she left to watch her soaps."
Rikki "Which one, All My Children, The Young and the Restless?"
Mike "Well ,actually she's doing the laundry. She loves to watch
the spin cycle."
Crow "It's the only way she gets to watch the Tide roll-in! Get
it? The TIDE roll-in. You know, the laundry detergent?"
Tom "Crow, I think this audience will only laugh at a joke with
the word 'hooters' in it."
Audience laughs.
Rikki "Well, let's bring out our next special guest. Let's give a
warm welcome to Doctor Joyce Brothers!"
Tom "Oh, brother."
Music plays the audience starts to applaud. The door at the back
of the stage opens and Doctor Forrester appears. The audience
falls quiet.
Rikki "You're not Doctor Joyce Brothers."
Dr.F. "And to imagine they won't let you on 'Celebrity
Jeopardy'."
Mike "Hello, Doctor Forrester. I thought you couldn't make it
because you have to take your mother to Stuckey's."
Dr.F. "Well, at the last minute I decided to take her to see
'Cats'."
Rikki "That's a great musical."
Dr.F. "I didn't know they did musicals at the S.P.C.A."
Rikki "Doctor, do you know what happened to Doctor Joyce
Brothers?"
Dr.F. "She had to leave. She got a last minute call to star in a
very special episode of 'Family Matters'."
Mike "Guys, we better check to see if she's here."
Tom "Gawd, I hope not."
Rikki "So Doctor Forrester, you're the boss from hell."
Dr.F "A few floors above it, actually."
Rikki "What gives you the right to knock Mike out and send him
into space?"
Dr.F. "The contract he signed with the temp agency."
Rikki "Is it true you're a racist?"
Dr.F. "If you mean I hate the whole human race, yes."
Rikki "If you hate us humans so much then why did you want to
rule the world?"
Dr.F. "Because I want to meet Jodie Foster! No, seriously, it's
my orientation to want to rule the world. I was born that
way. I'm just following my bliss."
Rikki "We have a question from the audience."
MAM2 "If you want to rule the world, then why not run for
president of the world?"
Dr.F "As of now, there is not such job. After reading 'What Color
is Your Parachute', it said if you can't find a job you like
create one that you'll like. So that is what I'm doing."
MAM2 "Isn't that Boudro-Boudro Galli guy president of the world?"
Dr.F."No! He's General Secretary of the United Nations, you twit.
He's like the claims adjuster of the world. I want to rule
you fool. Next question."
Rikki "I think if we're going to have a president of the world,
we the people of the world should be able to vote for whom
ever we want."
Dr.F. "I don't want to be president of the world. I want to be
the ruler of the world. If there was an election, David
Hasselhoff would probably win."
Rikki "I bet he make a better ruler than you!"
Audience cheers.
Dr.F. "And I bet the Pamela Anderson would make a better talk
show host than you."
Rikki "Now that was low."
FAM2 "Where'd you get that funky doo?"
Dr.F. "One thing I'll tell you, its not a weave."
FAM3 "Blond guy on the spaceship, if you hate your job then why
don't you quit?"
Mike "I have. But as the old song says, 'You can check out
anytime you like, but you can never leave'."
Tom "We're it outer space dammit! It's not like we just walk
outside and take the bus back to earth. Why the hell should
anyone take advice from a talk show audience? The only
reason you people are here is you don't have jobs, and why
should I take advice from someone who would rather sit on
their butts, listening to some piece of trailer trash bitch
about their lover sleeping with their cousin or vise
verse, then searching for a job..."
Mike "Now Tom..."
Tom "Don't stop me now Mike, I'm on a roll. And the rest of you
who have jobs, why waste your day off here? And if you
have families, shouldn't you be spending time with them
instead of giving advice to someone else on how to run
theirs. If I were in New York, I'd be hanging out at the
'Central Perk', trading witty barbs with Rachel. Mike would
be at F.A.O. Schurtz and Crow would be trying to find
sponsors for his off Broadway play 'Earth vs. Soup'."
Crow "Hey Tom, what a cool idea."
Rikki "Well I'd like to thank you for being here today. When we
come back, a woman who claims her boss makes her put out on
the job."
Dr.F. "That's because she's a hooker."
Audience boos.
Dr.F. "Don't boo me, I meet her in the green room."
Crow "Mike, I guess that explains why his fly's down."
Audience applause and music.
THE END.
