|
|
NEIL "SCREAMING SKULL" SIMON'S THE ODD COUPLE
A one act play by Joe
Blevins
Based on characters from the movie "Screaming Skull"
[Curtain rises.]
[The setting: the steps leading up to an eerie, foreboding mansion.
(All we see onstage are the stairs and a painted backdrop of the
mansion.) It is a sunny afternoon. Eric and Jenny -- two intensely
creepy newlyweds -- are relaxing on the stairs after having set fire
to a portrait of Eric's first wife, Marion. There is not even a
flicker of passion or even strong regard between them.]
JENNY: I'm sorry you had to burn that portrait of Marion because of
me. I know she was important to you, being your first wife
and all.
ERIC: Think nothing of it. YOU'RE my wife now, and if that painting
was causing you to have psychotic episodes, then -- by gum --
I'm willing to torch Marion's memory like so much garbage.
JENNY: Don't think I don't appreciate it.
ERIC: Jenny...
JENNY: Yes?
ERIC: Jenny, now that we're married, I think it's important that we're
totally honest and open with one another. I don't want us to
keep any secrets.
JENNY: I feel the same way.
ERIC: I'm glad to hear you say that, because I've got something to
tell you. You know Mickey, our socially-retarded, goat-like
gardener...?
JENNY: Oh, you mean the nice fellow who's been watching me as I sleep?
ERIC: That's the one.
JENNY: What about him?
ERIC: Well... there's no easy way to put this... Mickey and I were
lovers several years ago. I met him while trying to seduce some
sailors on shore-leave at a waterfront bar. We had an intensely
physical relationship, and when it ended, I hired him as my
groundskeeper. I hope that doesn't upset you too much.
JENNY: I... I guess I can live with that. I'm not...
ERIC: It's pretty much over between us, anyway. I *have* been known
to fall into bed with him now and again... especially on nights
when I've had too much to drink... which is fairly often, since
I'm an unrepentant alcoholic. Did I mention that while we were
dating?
JENNY: No... it... it never came up... I didn't...
ERIC: Oh, drat. I *did* mean to tell you, but I just never got around
to it. Oh well. At least you know now, huh?
JENNY: [near catatonic] I... you... I...
ERIC: And while I'm bringing these types of things up, you're probably
going to hear some scraping and clanking sounds coming from the
attic. That'll be Runcie, the deformed child I had with Marion.
He was so hideously disfigured, the doctors were reluctant to
call him human, but we grew to love him. Then, after his
unfortunate murder spree, we just decided it would be best for
everyone to keep him locked up in the attic. We toss some dead
possums to him now and again, and he seems fine. If you leave
him alone, he'll leave you alone.
[Jenny is speechless now. She just stares blankly ahead and makes
sounds, all the while shaking her head slowly.]
JENNY: Uhhhh.... zuhhhh... muhhhhh....
ERIC: It's great that I can talk to you like this. I mean, with some
women, I'd be reluctant to bring up the fact that I'm a member
of the Nazi party and the KKK. But I feel like I can tell you
anything, Jenny.
[Jenny holds herself as if she's freezing. She rocks back and forth
and quietly hums "You Are My Sunshine."]
ERIC: Hey, Jen, did I ever tell about the time I pledged my eternal
soul to Satan? Yup, I'm pretty much a minion of the Dark
Overlord.
[Jenny faints. Eric grabs her and shakes her.]
ERIC: Jenny! Jenny, speak to me! Are you okay? Do you need some
uppers or something... because I have plenty of them stashed
away. Anything I can't peddle at the local elementary school,
I keep.
[Jenny snaps out of it. She opens her eyes a little and speaks.]
JENNY: I... I'm okay, I guess... I just feel a little lightheaded.
That's all.
ERIC: I know how you feel. The same thing happens to me every time
I drink the blood of the living. Isn't that strange? I mean,
I...
[Jenny faints again.]
ERIC: Jenny...?
[Curtain falls.]
~THE~ ~END~
