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Note: This was originally written and compiled to answer a question
posed on the newsgroups. I thought it was kind of interesting though so...
Presenting the great Mst3k Timeline of events that you might need
to know if you're writing a Mst3k fan fic!
By Quintas
( P.S. I'm not including Ktma episodes, not because I don't know what
happens in them but because they were too different to 'fit in' eg. Joel
was called Joel Hodgson on the show instead of Joel Robinson)
101 - The Crawling Eye
Joel and the bots introduce the show. Joel has apparently been there for a
while, and the title sequence shows how he got shot into space, namely he
was tricked into the satellite (apparently to clean it) and they (the
current mads, Dr Forrester and Larry Erhardt) launched it...
Deep 13 is first introduced. An excerpt:
WELCOME TO DEEP 13
Episode: 101- The Crawling Eye
Transcription by Bill Evenson <EvensWR@nsc-bridge.network.com>
(Camera is focused on the wall of Deep 13. Camera pans left to show Dr.
Forrester, using a remote control device to operate the camera. He is
humming something.)
Erhardt (entering from the left, anxious): Clay! Clay! I think I was
spotted on the way down here!
Dr. F: Did you wear your disguise?
Erhardt: I was wearing my disguise, but I'm just not very good in heels!
Dr. F: No one must know we're down here doing this!
Erhardt: I'm sorry.
Dr. F: Well, it's time to call Joel about the experiment.
[to camera] Come in, Joely-Poely Puddin'-n-Pie!
[SOL]
Joel: Hey, sirs, I'm ready for this week's invention exchange. Check this
thing out! I just made it, it's the world's only electric bagpipes.
(Produces bagpipes attached to leaf blower) All right... (Turns on leaf
blower, begins to play. Joel and the 'bots sing.)
Joel and the Bots (singing): Amazing grace, how sweet the sound...
Joel: Okay, and uh, the robots and I have worked up a special cover version
of Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love". You ready, guys?
Crow: Ready! Rock it!
Joel: 2,3...
Joel and the Bots (singing): She's gotta whole lotta love! (bagpipes) Wanna
whole lotta love! (bagpipes) She's gotta whole lotta love! (bagpipes) A
really whole lotta love! (bagpipes)
[Deep 13]
(Erhardt appears to be in great pain)
Dr. F: I love it! Look... Larry's corneas are bleeding. Oh... Well! It's
time we sent you our experimental nugget this week, Joel. Now, human
underarm perspiration is something that happens to everyone after they go
through puberty....(smirking) which, I assume, includes you, Joel.
(Erhardt chuckles derisively.)
Dr. F (abruptly): When's the last time you saw a dog sweat? Larry?
Erhardt: Never!
Dr. F: Exactly! And why is that?
Erhardt: Dogs don't sweat, that's why!
Dr. F: Exactly! Because of the dog's pineal gland. Nature's own canine
antiperspirant. Now. You take the pineal gland, and you make a serum. You
get a dog, it doesn't matter what kind of dog, and you inject that serum
into a human subject. In this case, Larry...
(Dr. Erhardt places sensors under his armpits and bends over to allow Dr. F
to inject him in the hinder. Forrester gets behind him with a large
syringe, and examines Larry's hinder.)
Dr. F: Now, let's see...It's so hard to find a spot I haven't
hit...(looking at something on Larry's hinder) Uh, what's this flower? And
who's Roseanne?
Erhardt (irritated): Oh, just stick it, will you?
Dr. F: Sail on, Silver Bird! (injects Erhardt, who jumps up)
Erhardt: D'oh, Jeez!
Dr. F: Now, instantly the serum races through the bloodstream like a
Porsche Targa 911, commandeering each pore, slamming it shut, like the
vault at your favorite savings and loan!
(Erhardt begins panting like a dog.)
Dr. F: And, checking the wetness sensors... (he removes one from Erhardt's
pit) ...we see that they are free from wetness, and/or odor. (He looks over
at Erhardt.)
Erhardt: (panting) Antidote...Antidote.
Dr. F: Oh! Yes, the antidote. There you go... (injects something into
Erhardt's arm) ...the antidote, and here is your treat (removes something
from his pocket, throws it in the air. Erhardt catches it in his mouth).
[SOL]
Crow: Oh, brother!
Tom: That was pathetic!
Crow: Eww!
Joel (conciliatory): Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys.
You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the
Nobel Prize.
Tom: Maybe for fiction!
Joel: Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh,
Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.
[Deep 13]
Erhardt: Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved!
Dr. F: It's ... It's our grand re-opening! Uh, welcome to Deep 13!
[SOL]
Joel: Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic
Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly
radioactive!
[Deep 13]
Erhardt (dementedly): Well, it hasn't affected our brain any.
Dr. F: We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile. And one
day...
[SOL]
Joel: Well, I suppose it's time for you guys to start experimenting on us
again.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F (angrily): I'll tell you when it's time to do the movie, you
squinty-eyed space chimp!
Erhardt: Oh, uh, Clay?
Dr. F: What?
Erhardt: It *is* time.
Dr. F: Oh. Yeah, I ...
Erhardt: Nice insult, though.
Dr. F: I knew that. Thank you. Well, it's a real stinkburger of a film this
week, Joel. It's called "The Crawling Eye."
Erhardt (laughs): Oh, it's got a bad audio track, it's in black and white,
and worst of all, it stars Forrest Tucker.
Dr. F: Hmm. Good name, bad actor. I'll put in the tape. (both laugh
maniacally. Organ music plays)
[SOL]
Joel: Movie sign! (Joel slaps the table and runs off. Cut.)
201 - Rocketship X-M
The Satellite has a redesign (it looks less cheesy basically). Dr Larry
Erhardt has gone missing (his face is on a milk carton) and so TV's Frank
is brought in as Forrester's assistant. He learns the ropes during the
show, including how to push the button... Oh, and Servo has a new voice.
208 - Lost Continent (otherwise known as the one with the rock climbing)
For the first time we are shown a definite reason for Joel watching the
movies. Basically he refuses to go in and gets a "shock to the shammies"
of electricity for his trouble. Definitely incentive there...
319 - War of the Colossal Beast with short - Mr B Natural
Joel and the bots show real signs of cracking up while watching this short.
Who could blame them?
416 - Fire Maidens of Outer Space
Timmy (an evil version of Crow who was basically him coloured black) shows
up out of Crow's shadow, causes chaos, and tries to kill Tom. Joel
eventually gets rid of him by tossing him out the airlock, but he then
makes a stopover at Deep 13.
424 - Manos, The Hands of Fate
Joel finally gets even and programs the bots to think that everything he
says is utterly wonderful. He feels kind of guilty though, and puts them
back the way they were. Manos is shown, and it wears even them down,
reducing the bots to sniveling wrecks at one point. There's a cute scene
with Tom sobbing "Oh Daddy!" and Joel giving him a cuddle. Oh, and the
Mads actually apologise for showing the movie! Even they thought it was
too much...
512 - Mitchell
Joel escapes! Basically the mads are getting audited and they bring in a
temp to help (Mike). Gypsy overhears them plotting Mike's demise and
thinks they are talking about Joel, so she's determined to get him down.
After some plotting, she contacts Mike, tells him her story and asks him
for advice. Mike finds that there is an escape pod in dock 14 (hidden in a
crate of Hamdingers!) called the "Deus Ex Machina" (which is basically
Latin for 'plot device') and gives Gypsy access to it by tricking Frank out
of his keys ("Hey Frank, can I have your keys?" "Okay!"). Gypsy packs
Joel into the escape pod and he leaves amid many good-byes. Hang on, it's
written into prose very well in this:
Excerpt from 3000: a Space Oddity by Mike Barklage
Chaos reigned with an iron fist on the bridge of the Satellite of
Love, and Cambot was flustered. There was too much going on, and he
wasn't sure what to focus on. There were flashing lights going off and
alarms sounding all over the ship. There was Gypsy shouting a
countdown into her headset. There were Tom and Crow, yelling about
some nonsense that nobody but Tom or Crow would probably care about.
And there was Joel, trying to read a letter over the din, but not having
much success. Cambot decided to focus on Joel, and hope for the best.
"Twenty seconds to expulsion!" Gypsy exclaimed.
"Okay, alright," Joel shouted, "we've got this letter to read. Let's
put it up on still-store. This one comes to us from --"
"Ten seconds and counting!" Gypsy interrupted. "Ten... nine...
eight... seven...."
"Gypsy," Joel pleaded, "can you turn off these emergency lights?
We've got this letter to read!"
"Sure," answered Gypsy. "One! Expulsion!"
With a short yelp and a burst of steam, Joel disappeared into the
floor. The lights and sirens shut off, leaving an odd silence.
"The hell was that?" asked Tom Servo.
"Yeah! Where's Joel?" added Crow.
"I can explain everything," Gypsy replied. "Cambot, quick, give
me Rocket Number 9!"
Cambot transferred visuals to the outside of the ship. A panel on
the back of the ship opened, and Cambot quickly zoomed in on it. Out of
the open panel slid a large box marked 'Hamdingers'. Then that box
opened, revealing an escape pod.
"He'll finally get to be among his own in the wild," sighed Gypsy.
"Hey, look!" Crow cried. "There's a prize inside that box of
hamdingers! An escape pod!"
The escape pod blasted off and away from the satellite, rocketing
toward Earth. Cambot suddenly realized there was an incoming message
from the pod, and he quickly put it up on the Hexfield Viewscreen. The
viewscreen irised open and revealed Joel inside the cramped compartment
with his knees pressed up against the screen.
"Hey, guys!" Joel exclaimed. "Look at me! I'm on my way to
Earth! Pretty crazy, huh?"
"Hey, what about us?" Crow said. "What are we supposed to do
with out you? Who's going to teach us what it is to be human and stuff?"
"Look, guys, by this point you guys know as much about it as I
do," Joel answered. Static began to drift across Joel's image, looking
strangely like confetti. "I don't have a lot of time. My signal's starting
to
break up. I can tell I'm getting out of range. Listen, if you look under
that
desk, there's a plaque I made for you to remember me by."
Tom reached under the desk and pulled up the plaque, which is
kind of amazing, considering Tom's ineffectual arms. "Yeah, here it is,"
said Tom, studying the plaque. "Nice job, Joel. Very professional
looking. Really nice job."
"Ah, yeah, thanks," Joel said as the static increased. "I really gotta
get out of here. I'm almost out of range. Listen you guys, be strong and
true! I love you! Bye!"
Joel's image left the viewscreen, and it closed.
"It's been a big day," Crow stated nonchalantly. "Who's hungry?"
"Not yet, you doofus!" Tom replied. "Let's find out what's on the
plaque. Press that button there."
The button was pressed, and Joel's recorded voice was heard
coming from the plaque.
"To all on the Satellite of Love, from Joel," said the plaque.
"Hey! That's us!" said Gypsy. The bots listened closely.
"The whole world is a circus if you look at it the right way,"
continued the plaque. "Every time you pick up a handful of dust, and see
not the dust, but a mystery, a marvel there in your hand. Every time you
stop and think, I'm alive, and being alive is fantastic. Every time such a
thing happens, you are part of the Circus of Dr. Lao."
There was a quiet pause as the recording stopped. Then all the bots
screamed at once, "WHAT?!"
"Circus of Dr. Lao? Oh, brother!" Tom ranted. "Joel leaves and
his last words are from a George Towns movie? I thought it would be
something profound!"
Cambot sensed another transmission from Joel, but Magic Voice
beat him to the punch. "Last transmission from Joel coming in on the
Hexfield," she stated as Cambot opened the Hexfield viewscreen once
again. Joel's picture was barely coming through now.
"Joel, buddy, Circus of Dr. Lao?" Tom said. "I don't get it!"
"Hey, it's my favorite movie! So sue me!" Joel said. "I gotta go!
Hey, see ya later! Sorry, I can't come back! I don't know how it works!
Bye!"
As the Hexfield Viewscreen irised closed again, Crow muttered,
"Wow." Gypsy sighed. "I'm going to miss him!"
"Well," Tom said, "I guess he's gone for good, fellas, and that only
means one thing." He paused for dramatic effect. "I'm in charge."
"I'll race ya to the Mellocups," Crow said, suddenly chipper
again. "I found out where he hides them!"
"Oh, Crow, too soon," Tom said.
"Think they'll send us a new guy?" asked Gypsy.
"Oh, sure, they're bound to," answered Tom. "But until that
happens... PANIC!!!"
All three bots let off strangled cries as they bounced from side to
side, tearing themselves apart in the panic. Cambot avoided Tom as the
stout red robot ran back and forth across the bridge, but felt himself
smack
into the side of something large and immobile. Losing his balance,
Cambot crashed into the floor. Then, the robot felt nothing.
Far below the Earth's surface, in Deep 13, TV's Frank watched the
events unfold on the Satellite of Love with increasing levels of anxiety.
He watched Gypsy help Joel escape. He watched Joel reveal his last
words of wisdom to his robotic pals. He watched the bots go into a deep
state of frenzied panic. Then the picture went black. Frank saw horrible
pain in his future. Then, as Dr. Forrester walked in, Frank amended that
last thought -- he saw pain in his IMMEDIATE future.
"Aaaaah," Forrester sighed happily. He was wearing a bath robe
and drying his hair with a towel. "Nothing like a shower to make one feel
new again. I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood!
What's going on, Frank?"
Frank stammered nervously. "Oh, nothing much. Inventory is
under control... floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of
Love..."
"Well, I see you've got the situation well at hand -- WHAT?!"
Forrester snapped, finally realizing what Frank had just told him. "Joel
escaped from the Satellite of Love?!"
Frank began to slowly back away. "I'd better get started on that
floor," he said quietly.
"Frank, my towel and your hinder have an appointment, but first
we've got to rescue Joel!" Forrester typed a few commands into the Deep
13 console. He read the computer's output. "Oh, no, Frank! He's landed
safely in the Australian outback!"
Frank managed a frightened grin. "Well, let's just hope he landed
on Yahoo Serious."
"Well, that's a good point, Frank," Forrester said before he could
stop himself. Suddenly, he grabbed Frank by the collar. "Can't you see
we're ruined? What are we going to do?"
"We could send someone else into space!" Frank sputtered.
"Who are we going to find at this late date to send into space?"
Mike Nelson stepped in between the two evil scientists, holding a
card in front of them. "You guys sign my timecard?"
Forrester began laughing evilly, and when Frank saw this, he
joined in boss' warped glee. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Forrester asked Frank between chuckles.
"You're not going to sign his timecard," replied Frank, also in
between chuckles.
Forrester's glee was wiped off his face in frustration.
Mike added, "Come on, you've got to sign my timecard."
Forrester put on his best snake-oil grin and turned to Mike. "Of
course I'll sign your timecard, young man. In fact, I think you'll be
working for me for a long, long time." The smile very nearly turned into a
sneer. "Push the button, Frank."
Frank pushed the button as Forrester asked, "Say, Mike, what size
jumpsuit do you wear?"
513 - The Brain that Wouldn't Die
Mike's first episode. The bots get all enthusiastic about 'training' him,
and he learns that the whole thing with being up on the Satellite "kinda
bites'. Vague references to hamdinger boxes are made, but no one solidly
mentions Joel's actual name ever again in the show.
524 - 12 to the Moon with a short, Design for Dreaming
Nuveena, the woman of the future (you gotta see the short...) shows up and
Mike kind of gets a crush on her. She stalks off after he tells her to
stop turning the bots into bizarre kitchen appliances... ("Well, get back,
you robot loving turd!")
601 - Girls Town
The umbilicus is put into operation. It's basically a really really long
tube connecting the Satellite and Deep 13, so the two parties can send
stuff to each other. At first the end in the Satellite was Gypsy's mouth.
607 - Bloodlust
Mrs Forrester's first appearance as she comes for a visit. She and Frank
end up going out for a night on the town...
611 - Last of the Wild Horses
Hokay, this is kind of hard to explain. Lots of stuff with mirror
universes happens and... Oh heck, here's a transcript of the host
segments that I found on the internet okay?
624 - Sampson vs. The Vampire Women
Frank leaves; he gets contacted by "Torgo the White" and taken to second
banana heaven. Doctor Forrester is slightly upset. Another excerpt:
_________________
(On the Satellite: Mike, Servo, and Crow standing around. Light flashes from the communicator.)
Mike: Uh, oh. Uh, that's got to be Forrester.
(Deep 13: Dr F is obviously distraught)
Dr. F: Oh, Mike. I can't find Frank anywhere. He never stays out this late,
what with his fear of halogen. I've checked everywhere: The DQ, the sewage
treatment plant, all his usual hangouts. Nothing! I'm just terribly afraid that he's
gone and he's never coming back. And if I cared one iota, it would be
devastating. If I cared....
Mike: Oh, boy, the boss is always the last to know, huh? Well, you see, Sir,
our time here on Earth is but a passing thing--
Crow: He was assumed by the angel Torgo in a glorious coronation!
Servo: Well, it was kind of a cosmic Torgo. You see, his mission as a second
banana was ah, uh, and you were kind of mean, so they, uh....
Mike: Well, there was a fortune which foretold something about something,
and then, well, Gabby Hayes is heavily involved.
Crow: Anyway, he's not comin' back.
Mike: Sorry!
Dr. F: Wait, I can't imagine. I shan't! Because it isn't true! But it is.
Oh, this sucks! (piano music starts)
Who will be my guinea pig for my gene splicing? My fingernail transplants?
My fajita? Who will I blame my mistakes on? Who will I -- who will I kill?
(sings)I've destroyed and I've maimed and I've kicked him.
Now I'm a bully with no victim.
No adrenaline thrill,
No screams that are shrill,
Who, who will I kill?
I've crushed his head a few times,
Memories like nursery rhymes.
No one dies like my TV's Frank.
No sweet blood to distill,
No cute tummy to drill,
Who, who will I kill?
When I look upon
The first evening star,
I remember when I hooked his liver
To the engine of my car.
I could pickle my Aunt Lil,
Give my dog a cyanide pill,
But what Frank-shaped void
Could they possibly fill?
Here's my money, you can bank it,
I'm no good without my Frank. It
Seems he could die
Without batting an eye.
Now it seems
I must take
My own bitter pill.
Tell me who, who will I kill?
(spoken, as music ends) Goodbye Frank! And remember,
wherever you are, I will kill you!
(Back on the Satellite:)
Servo: Uhh...
Mike: In a sick way, I feel touched.
Crow & Servo: Yeah...
Mike: We'll be right back.
______________
He does come back to push the button one more time though...
701 - Night of the Blood Beast
Mrs Forrester becomes a permanent addition to Deep 13, much to Dr
Forrester's general dismay. She's not really as insidiously evil as she is
now, maybe cryogenics does that to you.
706 - Laserblast
Oh heck, too much happens for me to describe it. Here:
From the Unofficial Episode guide:
706- Laserblast
First shown: 5/18/96
Opening: With Mike all tied up, Crow and Tom present the "Thunderdome" joke
Intro: Dr. F.'s funding has been cut! He'll have to move in with his mother
to save money, and cuts the SOL loose! To keep the SOL from burning up in
the atmosphere, Tom somehow gets the thrusters working
Host segment 1: Hurtling into the inky blackness of space, the SOL picks up
an annoying satellite called Monad
Host segment 2: The SOL hits a field of star babies! (and one of them needs
changing!)
Host segment 3: The SOL is heading towards a black hole! The 'Bots hope
that Mike can help them, but he's dressed as Captain Janeway and is almost
totally useless!
End: The SOL reaches the edge of the universe! Once there, Mike and all the
'Bots shed their mortal bodies and become beings of pure energy! Meanwhile,
Dr. F. is acting out the end of "2001: A Space Odyssey" (and Pearl gets a
chance to start over with little star baby Clayton!)
------Fade out------
Stinger: "Faaar out!"
Whew! Well, that's about it. I'm sure this isn't an exhaustive list of
important events, but I think it will be useful anyway...
