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SEASON I
SEASON II
SEASON III
SEASON IV
SEASON V
SEASON VI
SEASON VII
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SEASON I
THE END
RIMMER:
Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?
Duration: 3.2 s
Size: 73 KB
WAV
LISTER:
You what? You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish," four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted.
Duration: 6.9 s
Size: 75 KB
WAV
RIMMER:
"No, it's
not! Petersen told me." Lister, if you must know, what I did was, I wrote a discourse on power circuits which was simply too radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.
LISTER: Yeah. You said you were a fish.
Duration: 12.6 s
Size: 139 KB
WAV
RIMMER: Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?
LISTER: No, it's a chicken.
Duration: 2.7 s
Size: 30 KB
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TODHUNTER: Oh Rimmer. You are A smeghead.
Duration: 3.2 s
Size: 35 KB
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RIMMER: You touch that guitar, Lister, I'll remove the E string and garrotte you with it.
Duration: 3.9 s
Size: 42 KB
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HOLLISTER: Holly tells me that he's sensed a non-human life form aboard.
LISTER: Sir, it's Rimmer!
Duration: 4.5 s
Size: 49 KB
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LISTER: Petersen isn't, is he?
HOLLY: Everybody is dead, Dave.
LISTER: Not Chen?
HOLLY: Gordon Bennett! Yes! Chen, everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.
LISTER: Rimmer?
HOLLY: He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!
LISTER: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
HOLLY: I wish I'd never let him out in the first place.
Duration: 23.3 s
Size: 257 KB
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RIMMER: Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.
Duration: 3.4 s
Size: 37 KB
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RIMMER: Lister, I'm not really here! I'm not really *me* Don't you see? I'm a computer simulation of me. That's me, there, that pile of albino mouse droppings.
Duration: 9.5 s
Size: 104 KB
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FUTURE ECHOES
HOLLY: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000. The same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.
Duration: 5.9 s
Size: 65 KB
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RIMMER: Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon bellied space cookie? What's the plan for the day then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species
Duration: 14.8 s
Size: 162 KB
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HOLLY: Arnold. We're going to hit lightspeed in 24 hours. I have to navigate a ship the size of a city through speeds never before encountered in the human sphere of experience. I'm not a combination of the speaking clock, Moss Bros, and Tweezy Wheezy.
Duration: 13.5 s
Size: 149 KB
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HOLLY: This is a recording. I'm afraid Holly is busy at the moment. If you'd like to leave a message after the bleep, he'll get back to you. Bleep.
Duration: 8.4 s
Size: 92 KB
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RIMMER: Even better. Switch me on, switch me off, like I'm some battery powered sex aid.
Duration: 4.1 s
Size: 45 KB
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RIMMER: Well, you'll be in your element if insects are in control. You'll probably get a decent job at last.
Duration: 4.2 s
Size: 46 KB
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HOLLY: I can't do it. I can't cope. We're going at the speed of light. Me bottle's gone.
Duration: 4.4 s
Size: 48 KB
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HOLLY: Look, we're travelling faster than the speed of light. That means, by the time we see something, we've already passed through it. Even with an IQ of 6000, it's still brown trousers time.
Duration: 9.2 s
Size: 101 KB
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RIMMER: Yes, you, you ugly goit.
Duration: 1.7 s
Size: 19 KB
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HOLLY: Look, I'm a tenth-generation AI hologrammic computer. I'm not your mum.
Duration: 4.4 s
Size: 48 KB
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RIMMER: Poppycock! It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future.
Duration: 8.1 s
Size: 89 KB
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BALANCE OF POWER
LISTER: Oh, I really, really hate you, Rimmer.
Duration: 2.8 s
Size: 31 KB
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RIMMER: Is that painting yours? It's rubbish!
LISTER: It's a mirror.
Duration: 4.6 s
Size: 50 KB
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RIMMER: And whose ears are these, Holly? They're like two giant radar dishes stuck higgledy-piggledy to the side of my head. I mean, just look at them! Look at them! Whose were these ears, Holly? An African elephant's?
HOLLY: They're your ears, Arnold.
Duration: 13.5 s
Size: 148 KB
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RIMMER: You seriously believe a piece of fungus like you has got the stuff to become an officer? You've got the brains of diarrhea and the breeding of a maggot.
Duration: 8.4 s
Size: 92 KB
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LISTER: I'm not tense.
RIMMER: Of course you're tense, you rectum-faced pygmy!
Duration: 3.9 s
Size: 42 KB
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RIMMER: Smeg off! Dishwasher-breath!
Duration: 1.7 s
Size: 18 KB
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RIMMER: Look at you, Lister. Obnoxious, ruthless, single-minded, insensitive You're more like me than I am.
Duration: 8.3 s
Size: 91 KB
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WAITING FOR GOD
HOLLY: Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer.
Duration: 8.2 s
Size: 90 KB
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LISTER: It's one of our Red Dwarf garbage pods with, like, the writing burnt off in places. Why didn't you tell him?
HOLLY: Well, it's a laugh, innit?
Duration: 7.6 s
Size: 83 KB
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LISTER: I'm supposed to have given them five sacred laws. Five sacred laws! I've broken four of them meself. I'd have broken the fifth, but there's no sheep on board.
Duration: 8.8 s
Size: 98 KB
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LISTER: The perfectly preserved remains of a Quagaar warrior!
LISTER: Yeah, right, Rimmer. Absolutely.
RIMMER: They must have looked something like ... a roast chicken.
Duration: 11.0 s
Size: 130 KB
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CONFIDENCE AND PARANOIA
HOLLY: We have been travelling through the galaxy now for three million years and there are many things we've discovered. The highest form of life in the universe is Man and the lowest is a man who works for the post office.
Duration: 11.2 s
Size: 123 KB
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RIMMER: Lister, you ought to take a good long look at yourself and then you'd see just how ridiculous you appear to other people.
Duration: 8.9 s
Size: 98 KB
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RIMMER: Love is a device invented by bank managers to make us overdrawn.
Duration: 4.2 s
Size: 46 KB
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LISTER: Rimmer... Love is what makes us different from animals.
RIMMER: No, Lister, what makes us different from animals is we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals.
Duration: 11.8 s
Size: 130 KB
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HOLLY: Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on.
Duration: 5.6 s
Size: 61 KB
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LISTER: Why didn't I ask her out? What's the worst she could've said?
RIMMER: She could've said, "No, you're a filthy, stinking, loathsome, disgusting object I wouldn't be seen dead with in a plague pit."
Duration: 8.7 s
Size: 95 KB
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RIMMER: You think you had it bad before, Lister? Well now you've got it in stereo, baby. Welcome aboard, Rimmsie.
RIMMER #2: Nice to be here, Mr. Rimmer, you son of a gun.
Duration: 12.0 s
Size: 132 KB
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ME 2
HOLLY: You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?
LISTER: Yeah, they go mouldy.
HOLLY: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. Also, you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you hoarded it for three million years, nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB.
LISTER: Why NorWEB?
HOLLY: You left a light on in the bathroom.
Duration: 26.6 s
Size: 293 KB
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RIMMER: You're a filthy, smegging, lying, smegging liar!
Duration: 2.7 s
Size: 29 KB
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RIMMER: I bet Todhunter was fed gazpacho soup the moment he was on solids. No, I bet he was breast-fed with it. One side gazpacho soup and the other side freely dispensing chilled champagne!
Duration: 14.2 s
Size: 156 KB
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