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SEASON II
KRYTEN
HOLLY: As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?
Duration: 10.4 s
Size: 113 KB
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LISTER: "Mister Arnold" isn't his name. His name's "Rimmer." Or "Smeghead." Or "Dinosaur Breath" or "Molecule Mind." And on a really special occasion when you want to be really mega-polite to him, Kryten, we're talking MEGA-polite, in those exceptional circumstances, you can call him "Arse-hole."
Duration: 18.3 s
Size: 200 KB
WAV
LISTER: Drop dead, Rimmer.
RIMMER: Already have done.
LISTER: Encore!
Duration: 2.8 s
Size: 29 KB
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BETTER THEN LIFE
HOLLY: Well. A chance to lock horns with an intellect of that calibre I'd be a fool not to. Pawn to King four eh? He's a sly one.
LISTER: So who's winning Hol?
HOLLY: Well, he is really. That was the first move.
Duration: 14.8 s
size: 162 KB
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RIMMER: Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't.
Duration: 13.4 s
Size: 147 KB
WAV
LISTER: He had this fixation that we all had to get into the Space Corps. At meal times he'd ask us questions on astronavigation. If we got them wrong -- no food.
LISTER: God, Rimmer, how did you cope with that?
RIMMER: I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition.
Duration: 13.7 s
Size: 150 KB
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CAT: Well you should take a look at my wardrobe. It's so big it crosses an international time zone. When it's three o' clock where my shirts are it's seven in the morning for my socks.
Duration: 10.9 s
Size: 119 KB
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RIMMER: Father.
RIMMER'S DAD: Son.
RIMMER: What are you doing here?
RIMMER'S DAD: I'm sorry to barge in on you and your, err, officer chummies, but --
RIMMER: Yes?
RIMMER'S DAD: I just wanted to tell you --
RIMMER: Yes?
RIMMER'S DAD: I just wanted to say --
RIMMER: Yes?
RIMMER'S DAD: I just wanted to say -- You're a total smeghead!
Duration: 24.7 s
Size: 270 KB
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THANKS FOR THE MEMORY
LISTER: It's like trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi.
Duration: 2.5 s
Size: 27 KB
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RIMMER: You gave me eight months of your memory, as a present?
LISTER: Yeah.
RIMMER: That's why I was an orphan, even though my parents were alive. That's why I had my appendix out ... twice.
Duration: 19.1 s
Size: 210 KB
WAV
RIMMER: That time she stuck her tongue down my ear. It wasn't my ear at all -- it was your ear. The woman I loved most in the whole world had her tongue down your ear. The most romantic thing I've ever had down my ear is a Johnson's baby bud.
Duration: 16.7 s
Size: 183 KB
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STASIS LEAK
RIMMER: On our journey back to Earth, we have encountered many strange and bizarre things. Only last month we came across a moon which was shapedexactly like Felicity Kendall's bottom. We flew around that one a couple of times.
Duration: 14.2 s
Size: 156 KB
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RIMMER: The aforementioned Rimmer, to whit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous
Duration: 17.2 s
Size: 90 KB
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RIMMER: With repect, sir, you've got your head right up your big fat arse.
Duration: 3.8 s
Size: 42 KB
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CAT: What IS it?
RIMMER: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
CAT: What IS it?
LISTER: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
CAT: What IS it?
RIMMER: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
CAT: What IS it?
LISTER: It's a hole back into the past.
CAT: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?
Duration: 28.3 s
Size: 310 KB
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LISTER: Why do women always leave me for total smegheads? Why do they dump me for men who wear turtleneck sweaters and smoke a pipe? I mean, natural yoghurt eaters! Reliable, sensible, dependable, and lots of other words that end in "-ible."
Duration: 16.9 s
Size: 186 KB
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HOLLY: What I'm saying, Dave, is that it's better to have loved and to have lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
CAT: Why's that?
HOLLY: Anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
Duration: 10.4 s
Size: 115 KB
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CAT: If he's you and you're him, and you're him and he's him -- am I still me? Who's eatin' this chicken? What the hell is going on??
Duration: 10.8 s
Size: 119 KB
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QUEEG
RIMMER: You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
Duration: 4.7 s
Size: 34 KB
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HOLLY: I am on the case. I'm sharp. I'm kicking bottom.
Duration: 2.8 s
Size: 31 KB
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CAT: I can't believe I'm doin' this! Look at me, I'm disgusting! I look like you in your best clothes!
Duration: 5.9 s
Size: 65 KB
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HOLLY: That's right, suckers! And the moral of the story is: Appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!
Duration: 8.3 s
Size: 92 KB
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PARALLEL UNIVERSE
HOLLY: The Earth. It's missing. It's not there. Wait a minute -- sorry, I was looking out of the wrong window.
Duration: 7.0
Size: 81 KB
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HOLLY: Well, for instance, in this universe, it could be that Hitler won the Second World War. It could be something even more incredible, like perhaps Ringo was a really good drummer.
Duration: 8.0 s
Size: 88 KB
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LISTER: I can remember betting you that I could climb the disco wall using only me lips.
Duration: 4.3 s
Size: 47 KB
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RIMMER: Oh, Listy! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. If I'm understanding correctly, it appear that, in their universe, it's the men who give birth to the babies. And as we are in their universe, you could very well be possibly up the duff, laddie!
Duration: 20.7 s
Size: 228 KB
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