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SEASON III
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SEASON III
BACKWARDS
KRYTEN: Engage autopilot.
HOLLY: Autopilot engaged. Well, I say "autopilot," but it's not really autopilot, is it? It's me. It's Muggins 'ere who has to do it.
Duration: 8.1 s
Size: 90 KB
WAV
RIMMER: What period in history, dingleberry-breath? I mean can we expect to see Ghengis Khan and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the hill? Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Doug McClure?
Duration: 12.4 s
Size: 137 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: But if people see my face, what are they going to think?
RIMMER: Tell them you had an accident. Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out!
Duration: 7.8 s
85 KB
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RIMMER: But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?
Duration: 6.3 s
69 KB
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CAT: We ain't gonna find 'em. They're gone, buddy. But look on the bright side... They're gone, buddy!
Duration: 7.0 s
77 KB
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LISTER: In 10 years time I'll be 15. I'll have to go through puberty again! Backwards!
CAT: Imagine that! Your gajimbas will suddenly rise back into your body, and the next thing you know you're singing soprano in the school choir!
Duration: 11.8 s
130 KB
WAV
MAROONED
RIMMER: I had lived a past life in Macedonia. That palace was my home. Because, believe it or not, Lister, he told me that, in a past incarnation, I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
Duration: 14.6 s
161 KB
WAV
LISTER: That's it? There's nothing else?
RIMMER: Just a Pot Noodle. Oh, and I found a tin of dog food in the tool cupboard.
LISTER: Well. Pretty obvious what gets eaten last. I can't stand pot Noodles.
Duration: 11.2 s
123 KB
WAV
LISTER: Are you trying to say I've got a big bum?
RIMMER: Big? It's like two badly-parked Volkswagens.
Duration: 6.2 s
69 KB
WAV
RIMMER: Kryten, would you get the hacksaw and follow me?
KRYTEN: Where are we going?
RIMMER: We're going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me.
Duration: 11.3 s
125 KB
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POLYMORPH
RIMMER: Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked... You'll bonk anything, won't you, Lister!
Duration: 7.0 s
75 KB
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RIMMER: What about the Rimmer Directive which states, "Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family?"
Duration: 6.2 s
66 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: Has anyone ever told you that you are a disgusting, pus-filled bubo who has all the wit, charm and self-possession of an Alsatian dog after a head-swap operation?
Duration: 9.9 s
107 KB
WAV
RIMMER: My own personal preference, which is "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." Erm, one drawback with that -- the abbreviation is "CLITORIS."
Duration: 12.2 s
132 KB
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KRYTEN: Move it, suckers!
Duration: 1.6 s
15 KB
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BODY SWAP
RIMMER: Last week when there was that lights failure in the engine room, your silhouette was caste onto the wall. I got the fright of my life. I thought it was Alfred Hitchcock.
Duration: 8.1 s
88 KB
WAV
RIMMER: Have you ever in dissection class held up a frog by its head? You know the way its belly sort of sticks out above its spindly little legs? Well, that's the picture I see when you get down from the bunk in the morning.
Duration: 10.6 s
117 KB
WAV
CAT: He's bluffin. I'm goin' in after him.
KRYTEN: He must be bluffing.
LISTER: Say he isn't, man?
CAT: It's gastronomic terrorism! We can't stand by and let it happen.
RIMMER: Go ahead punks. Make my day.
LISTER: You're right. He's bluffin'.
RIMMER: Smeg!
Duration: 13.2 s
145 KB
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LISTER: Oh smeg! What the smeggin' smeg's he smeggin' done? He's smeggin' killed me!
Duration: 6.5 s
72 KB
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TIMESLIDES
RIMMER: What's wrong with you? Ah, it's November! Nearly time for your bath!
Duration: 6.0 s
65 KB
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LISTER: I'm sick of the Cat. I'm sick of Holly. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of me. And as for Kryten ... I'm sick of him. I'm sick of this ship, sick of this life. I'm just sick of it.
Duration: 6.0 s
124 KB
WAV
LISTER: We could go back to Dallas, in November 1963, stand on the grassy knoll and shout "Duck!"
Duration: 6.0 s
60 KB
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RIMMER: It's a pub.
KRYTEN: A "pub?" Ah yes, a meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
Duration: 10.8 s
119 KB
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BLAIZE: Hello, and welcome to Lifestyles of the Disgustingly Rich and Famous. Tonight we'll be looking at the world's youngest billionaire, Mr Dave "Tension Sheet" Lister. Behind me, Mr Lister's English mansion. He had the whole building transported brick by brick from half a mile down the road, just to get away from the neighbors. Now that's the kind of cash that opens anybody's legs! The gravel in his drive came from Buckingham Palace. Dave bought Buck Palace and had it ground down just to line his drive. This man has a wad so thick you could use it to beat whales to death. He calls his home "Xanadu", not in reference to the movie "Citizen Kane", but in tribute to the hit single by Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich. But Dave has musical aspirations of his own. Only last year his first single, "Om", shot to number one when he personally purchased three million copies. You'll never be short of an ashtray in his house. Like many people who appear to have everything, Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy. Well actually it hasn't, but we can only hope.
Duration: 66.3 s
730 KB
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RIMMER: It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!
Duration: 3.2 s
35 KB
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GILBERT: Excuse me, sir, but a gentleman appears to have appeared in the corner of the room.
RIMMER: Listy, it's me! It's me, Rimmer! Rimmsy; Arnie Rimmer! Arnie; Old Iron Balls! Rimmer; Rimmer!
GILBERT: Apparently, the gentleman's name is Rimmer, sir
Duration: 19.0 s
209 KB
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RIMMER: You call this happiness? Surrounded by toadying lackeys and paid sycophants? Living with a love-goddess sex-bomb model megastar? You call this contentment? You know, I stand here now and I look at the two of us, and I ask one simple question: Who is the rich man? You, with your fifty-eight houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire; or me, with... with... with what, I've got. It's you isn't it? Yes it's all very clear to me now. You -- richer and happier.
Duration: 38.5 s
424 KB
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