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SEASON V
SEASON VI
SEASON VII
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SEASON V
HOLOSHIP
RIMMER: I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery school-girl mush I've ever been compelled to endure. I consider it an insult to my backside I was forced to sit here growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush.
Duration: 14.4 s
Size: 159 KB
WAV
CAT: Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
KRYTEN: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive shields, and two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw but I thought it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice.
Duration: 17.6 s
Size: 195 KB
WAV
CAT: Well, I say let's break out the laser cannons and give 'em both barrels.
KRYTEN: An adroit suggestion sir, with just two minor drawbacks.
CAT: OK, forget it!
Duration: 8.9 s
Size: 98 KB
WAV
BINKS: Crew: 3. One series-4000 mechanoid -- almost burnt out. Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvageable value. Ah, Felis Sapiens -- bred from the domestic house cat and about half as smart. No value in future study of this species. What have we here? A human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological age: mid-20s, physical age: 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that of no value or interest.
Duration: 40.6 s
Size: 447 KB
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KRYTEN: Sir! They've taken Mr. Rimmer!
CAT: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!
Duration: 4.0 s
Size: 41 KB
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RIMMER: Second technician Arnold Rimmer, IQ unknown.
Duration: 3.8 s
Size: 41 KB
WAV
RIMMER: I don't care. I'm prepared to take the chance.
LISTER: Even if it costs you your mind?
CAT: It's a small price to pay.
Duration: 4.7 s
Size: 51 KB
WAV
LISTER: Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally-weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs. Do you really think you're going to fit in with them? What am I saying? Bon voyage!
Duration: 10.2 s
Size: 112 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women twice daily, on demand. Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky? Well, quite clearly I am!
Duration: 25.7 s
Size: 284 KB
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RIMMER: Oh and sir, you're wrong. We won't be apart, we just ... won't be together. I cannot believe I just said that!
Duration: 15.9 s
Size: 175 KB
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THE INQUISITOR
LISTER: Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it.
KRYTEN: No plan, sir. No sleeves.
Duration: 10.2 s
Size: 110 KB
WAV
RIMMER: Kryten, don't discourage him. It's the only thing he's ever read that doesn't have lift-up flaps.
Duration: 3.8 s
Size: 41 KB
WAV
RIMMER: So, Kryten, you've heard of this "Inquisitor?"
KRYTEN: Only as a myth; a dark fable; a horror tale, told across the flickering embers of a midnight fire, wherever hardened space dogs gather to drink fermented vegetable products and compete in tales of blood-chilling terror!!
RIMMER: A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
Duration: 21.7 s
Size: 239 KB
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INQUISITOR: See me now and tremble! The Inquisition begins! Prove to me you are worthy of the honor of life, or drink deeply from the well of nothingness for all eternity!
CAT: I hate these either-or questions.
Duration: 16.4 s
Size: 180 KB
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LISTER: You got three brothers: John, Howard, and Frank. You're really mean with money. You're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard, and four people committed suicide! Your middle name's Judas, but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. You sign all your official letters A.J. Rimmer, B.S.C., and B.S.C. stands for Bronze Swimming Certificate. You're a cheating, weaselly, lowlife scumbucket, with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse!
Duration: 25.9 s
Size: 285 KB
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CAT: I hate to say it, but for once TransAm-wheel-arch-nostrils is right. Come on, get moving!
Duration: 5.1 s
Size: 55 KB
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KRYTEN: All in all, today's been a bit of a bummer, hasn't it, sir?
Duration: 2.8 s
Size: 31 KB
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TERRORFORM
KRYTEN: An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: A. We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and B. There's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the ... outside the fictional serial Robbie Rocket Pants.
Duration: 15.2 s
Size: 163 KB
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RIMMER: However, far be it for me to change your game plan, if you absolutely insist on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious ends, then so be it. Just have a large Quatrofamagio pizza with extra olives ready at the end.
Duration: 14.5 s
Size: 159 KB
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RIMMER: I've been kidnapped, stripped, oiled, menaced, manacled, licked, nibbled, chained, tortured, humiliated, and I nearly had a knobbly thing the size and shape of a Mexican agabe cactus jammed up where only customs men dare to probe.
Duration: 13.2 s
Size: 145 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: Well. There's the fact that you were despised by your parents for failing to achieve their standards; the fact that your three brothers were all such high flyers in the Space Corps and you ended up servicing chicken soup machines; there's your inability to form long term relationships with anyone; your cowardliness; your lack of charm, honour, or grace; and the awful knowledge that throughout your entire life no one has truly liked you because you are so fundamentally unlikeable.
RIMMER: Oh, that!
Duration: 25.6 s
Size: 282 KB
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KRYTEN: Hmm, This is all your fault, you know, you little glob of terburculatic sputum.
Duration: 7.6 s
Size: 80 KB
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KRYTEN: Sir, you are a cruddy little scud ball with all the innate lovability of an itchy veruka.
Duration: 6.7 s
Size: 73 KB
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QUARANTINE
RIMMER: Marvellous!
Duration: 1.5 s
Size: 19 KB
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KRYTEN: What a smee... What a smee... What a smee Heeeeeeee.
Duration: 9.0 s
Size: 100 KB
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RIMMER: I'm telling you, Kryten is taking over, slowly but surely. Remember how he used to be in the early days A gibbering wreck, completely un-assertive, no self confidence, plagued by guilt, and convinced he was fourth rate. I really liked him then.
Duration: 12.8 s
Size: 140 KB
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RIMMER: Welcome to quarantine, lads. I hope the next 84 days pass as swiftly and as pleasantly as the 100-years war.
Duration: 6.8 s
Size: 75 KB
WAV
LISTER: No.
KRYTEN: Yes.
LISTER: No!
KRYTEN: I'm putting it on.
LISTER: Don't put it on.
KRYTEN: I'm putting it on.
CAT: He's putting it on.
KRYTEN: Here I go.
CAT: There he goes!
Duration: 5.8 s
Size: 63 KB
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LISTER: Kryten, man, are you OK?
KRYTEN: I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.
Duration: 7.6 s
Size: 83 KB
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DEMONS & ANGELS
LISTER: You're a toad, Rimmer. You're a weasel. You're a slimy, river- dwelling rodent with the morals of a praying mantis.
Duration: 7.0 s
Size: 77 KB
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LISTER: I tell you one thing: I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets, and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.
Duration: 11.4 s
Size: 126 KB
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LOW RIMMER: I'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life. And then I'm going to have you.
Duration: 8.8 s
Size: 97 KB
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HIGH RIMMER: Thy love refreshes and cleanses me like a babbling mountain stream, brother..
Duration: 3.6 s
Size: 39 KB
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BACK TO REALLITY
CAT: I've got it! Don't fish swim south for the winter?
KRYTEN: No, that's birds, sir.
CAT: Birds swim south for the winter?! How do they breath?
Duration: 8.6 s
Size: 92 KB
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RIMMER: Kryten, open the next one!
KRYTEN: Listen, whoever you are: don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around. Because, almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy who's going to take any crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around let's establish whether I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around, or if I'm the kind of guy who gets all up tight by being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy you are. Clear?
RIMMER: All I said was, "Open the next one."
Duration: 26.1 s
Size: 287 KB
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RIMMER: Billy Doyle. Well, that's a name that came from the wrong sid
of the the tracks, isn't it? You can see it all now: a youth spent in
and out of corrective institutions. A string of illegitimate children.
The wife will be all white shoes, no tights, and blotchy legs.
Has to take up petty crime to cover the court orders for maintenance.
Before he knows it he's standing in a bank with a sawn-off shotgun.
Somehow it goes off. An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted
bobble hat. All he can do is hide. But where? And then it hits him
-- with all his ill-gotten gains he can buy four years in a computer
game and wait until the heat's off. So ends the Ballad of Billy
"Granny Killer" Doyle.
Duration: 40.3 s
Size: 451 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: The Cat lost his "Cool" and life for him no longer had any meaning because he is so mind-meltingly shallow.
CAT: That's right, superficial _is_ my middle name.
Duration: 8.6 s
Size: 95 KB
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