HOME
SEASON I
SEASON II
SEASON III
SEASON IV
SEASON V
SEASON VI
SEASON VII
FastCounter by LinkExchange
|
SEASON VII
TIKKA TO RIDE
KRYTEN: My guilt chip. No behaviour protocols... just call me "bad ass"!
Duration: 6.0 s
Size: 47 KB
WAV
LISTER: No woman, no hope, no curry.
Duration: 3.0 s
Size: 24 KB
WAV
RIMMER: As a mark of respect, we thought on Sunday at 12 o'clock we could have a
minute's flatulence.
Duration: 4.7 s
Size: 51 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: Causality? Well, okay, you know, one event causes another, okay, but
sometimes, you just gotta say: "The laws of time and space? Who gives a
smeg!"
Duration: 7.8 s
Size: 85 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: No, worst of all, the Time Drive has frozen.
RIMMER: Let me see. Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?
KRYTEN: Ah, no, sir; I've just been jabbing it too hard.
Duration: 17.1 s
Size: 188 KB
WAV
RIMMER: One minute you're down, the next you're right back up again.
Duration: 2.5 s
Size: 27 KB
WAV
CAT: We've been copied more times than that poster of the tennis girl scratching her butt.
Duration: 4.0 s
Size: 44 KB
WAV
STOKE ME A CLIPPER
KRYTEN: I haven't been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into Mr. Rimmer's soup.
Duration: 6.4 s
Size: 70 KB
WAV
LISTER: Lister, of Smeg.
Duration: 1.8 s
Size: 19 KB
WAV
LISTER: The red, green, and blue alert signs are all flashing! What the smeg is happening?
KRYTEN: Well, either we're under attack, sir, or we're having a disco.
Duration: 7.0 s
Size: 77 KB
WAV
ACE: All the better for seeing you, Cat old friend. Is that a new suit you're wearing? Why, it's sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye.
Duration: 10.7 s
Size: 118 KB
WAV
ACE: According to the log we're down to our last 3000 vomit bags. It'll never
be enough.
Duration: 4.2 s
Size: 46 KB
WAV
ACE: Arnie, up for a stroll?
RIMMER: Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather smear my genitalia with fish paste and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas.
Duration: 7.9 s
Size: 86 KB
WAV
RIMMER: The only 'bonding' I want to do with him involves a tube of superglue and a rabid hamster!
Duration: 3.8 s
Size: 42 KB
WAV
LISTER: Rimmer, don't take this the wrong way, but how could you be the next Ace? I mean, you're a gutless, spineless, gormless, direction-less, neurotic, underachieving, sniveling, cowardly pile of smeg. No offence, but get real, man; most eunuchs have got more balls than you.
Duration: 15.3 s
Size: 168 KB
WAV
ACE RIMMER: Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas.
Duration: 2.8 s
Size: 30 KB
WAV
OUROBOROS
KRYTEN: Let me see, sir. I'm a mechanoid, for goodness' sake. I won't be revolted no matter *how* you look.
LISTER: Okay.
KRYTEN: Oh my God, it's hideous!
Duration: 9.0 s
Size: 99 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: Careful, sir. The linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver
who's got stuck behind two old priest in a Skoda.
Duration: 6.2 s
Size: 68 KB
WAV
RIMMER: Your type isn't Kochanski, Listy. It's someone called 'Tiffany'. It's someone who drinks Campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties; someone who thinks Deely-boppers are funny; someone who says 'sumfink' instead of *something*, and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped to a cement mixer.
Duration: 17.5 s
Size: 192 KB
WAV
LISTER: What, don't you like her?
KRYTEN: I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a... bossy old trollop she is!
Duration: 6.7 s
Size: 73 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: I took her a glass of milk while she was showering... I've seen her naked!
Duration: 6.7 s
Size: 73 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and said
"Oh, make love to me, you horny dude", and I said, "oh, perhaps you'd prefer
to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?" What would you do?
Duration: 14.3 s
Size: 156 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: I've brought you a drink, but don't think for one minute it means I've gone all mushy on you.
Duration: 5.1 s
Size: 56 KB
WAV
DUCT SOUP
LISTER: This is one of the universal dilemmas - something which has confronted all men since the beginning of time... to pee or not to pee that is the question.
Duration: 10.6 s
Size: 116 KB
WAV
KOCHANSKI: How did I end up like this? On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry
Duration: 9.7 s
Size: 106 KB
WAV
CAT: You mean this ship's careening out of control through space with absolutely zero expertise at the helm?
KOCHANSKI: No change there, then.
Duration: 6.1 s
Size: 67 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: Right. I'll be going then. Going. After all these years, I'll be going.
Duration: 4.9 s
Size: 54 KB
WAV
CAT: So how do you get to be claustrophobic? Are you born that way, or is it because you're kind of sissy?
Duration: 5.2 s
Size: 57 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: Allow me a second, ma'am. Just cross-filing that story under 'B' for blackmail, and 'A', for anecdote; sub-category 'S' for 'so funny you'll laugh till you're sick!'.
Duration: 8.6 s
Size: 95 KB
WAV
LISTER: Is it a kind of 'Cat being smacked on the head by a smegged-off Lister's fist' kind of noise?
Duration: 5.4 s
Size: 59 KB
WAV
CAT: Boy, is this place hot! Satan could come here on his winter break!
Duration: 4.0 s
Size: 50 KB
WAV
BLUE
LISTER: I'm not eatin' that spicy stuff any more.
KRYTEN:Forgive me, sir, but the phenomena of you not eating spicy food is like a - a - zebra not being stripy, or an old lady not sitting on a park bench with her legs open.
Duration: 11.0 s
Size: 120 KB
WAV
LISTER: So... where've you been?
RIMMER: Argon 5. I fought in the Belugosian War; I was decorated, and used as a Christmas tree in the town square where people came and fed me cherry liqueur chocolates for the whole winter. Nahh, I'm only kidding.
Duration: 16.9 s
Size: 185 KB
WAV
LISTER: You're right Kryten, I must be losin' it, or I'd never be dreaming stuff like that. Kissin' Rimmer..? I'd rather go bobbing for apples in the communal latrine at Reading festival!
Duration: 11.6 s
Size: 127 KB
WAV
BEYOND A JOKE
LISTER: I had no idea! Why didn't you say? Ahh, if you'd *said*, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, right?
KRYTEN: Prescisely, sir, it would have been about as unsurprising as an episode of Tales Of The Unexpected.
Duration: 9.4 s
Size: 103 KB
WAV
CAT: How come I have to do everything around here? I never get a second to myself! "Cat do this", "Cat do that"; what am I? A dog?
Duration: 7.8 s
Size: 85 KB
WAV
KOCHANSKI: And we're asking his advice?? Let's at least ask someone who's at least going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion: Hello, wall! What do *you* think?
Duration: 9.8 s
Size: 107 KB
WAV
LISTER: The Centauri can travel at speeds that we can only dream of...
CAT: Most ice cream vans can travel at speeds we can only dream of...
Duration: 6.4 s
Size: 70 KB
WAV
CAT: So wait a minute. Even if we didn't plant a bomb, the only thing that really explains what we're doing is if we did! Which we didn't! But we must have! Because, otherwise, what we're doing is totally nuts!
Duration: 10.4 s
Size: 114 KB
WAV
LISTER: Do you need a hand, Kryts?
KRYTEN: He ain't heavy, sir, he's my brother.
Duration: 5.3 s
Size: 57 KB
WAV
EPIDEME
KOCHANSKI: Unlike you guys, my greatest accomplishment isn't a line on a loo wall somewhere marking my highest ever pee.
Duration: 5.7 s
Size: 63 KB
WAV
LISTER: I've just been molested by Tutunkamun's horny grandma! Of course I'm not smeggin' all right!
Duration: 5.1 s
Size: 56 KB
WAV
LISTER: This place is harder to get into than an airline chicken kiev.
Duration: 2.9 s
Size: 31 KB
WAV
LISTER: Kryten, are you neural circuits picking up interference from the tumble-drier again?
Duration: 3.9 s
Size: 43 KB
WAV
EPIDEME: Aaaand a great big "Hi!" to all of you out there in flesh-and-blood land! And tonight, Dave Lister, assistant vending machine sub-operative, and spice food conneseur, this is your *death*!
Duration: 9.4 s
Size: 106 KB
WAV
LISTER: What am I gonna do with fifty-eight minutes more life?
CAT: Have half a juggling lesson?
Duration: 5.2 s
Size: 57 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: Who on earth *was* the fourth Marx brother?
EPIDEME: Zippo. *Easy*! Ask me a hard one.
KRYTEN: A hard one?
EPIDEME: A *HAAAAAAAARD* one.
Duration: 10.9 s
Size: 117 KB
WAV
NANARCHY
KRYTEN: Oh, bravo, sir! You see, there's no need for despondency; you can *still* play the guitar!
LISTER: Yeah, look on the bright side... at least now I'm only *half* crap.
Duration: 8.8 s
Size: 96 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: Ah well, you see, it's subconscious. You're *thinking* "hand, pick up the ball", but your subconscious is saying "punch Kryten in the head; beat the brains out of the demented droid that cut off my beloved arm".
Duration: 10.9 s
Size: 120 KB
WAV
CAT: I'm thinking wearing leather underpants with silver studs is a real mistake if you put them on inside out.
Duration: 4.6 s
Size: 51 KB
WAV
CAT: There must be more electricity out there than the surge that went through the national grid during the commercial break in the Olympic all-girls custard wrestling finals!
Duration: 7.1 s
Size: 78 KB
WAV
HOLLY: They remolicurised... they remolic... they remol... anyway, they did that word that I can't say to the whole ship, and left all the bits they didn't want on that planetoid!
LISTER: What, they fixed your core program, and then decided they'd be better off without you?
HOLLY: Yeah, it was shortly after they'd met me.
Duration: 17.8 s
Size: 196 KB
WAV
HOLLY: What's happenned to him..? That's quite horrific, isn't it? What was it, a cheap razor? It's just not worth buying them from garages, is it.
Duration: 9.2 s
Size: 101 KB
WAV
HOLLY: He's back... kicking bottom, or what?
Duration: 2.9 s
Size: 32 KB
WAV
KOCHANSKI: Losing an arm isn't going to make any difference to any woman who cares about you. Okay?
LISTER: Really?
KOCHANSKI: *Really*.
LISTER: What about sex?
KOCHANSKI: Not here, it's too sandy
Duration: 9.0 s
Size: 99 KB
WAV
KRYTEN: Just two pieces of Bombay aloa you dropped several millenia ago down the service ducts, where they appear to evolved a rudimentary intelligence and formed a progressive folk duo.
Duration: 8.0 s
Size: 97 KB
WAV
HOLLY: The little scamps! It's the oldest trick in the book: capture your ship, turn it into a planet, then explore a macro universe in a laundry basket. How could you fall for an old scam like that?
Duration: 13.2 s
Size: 143 KB
WAV
|
|
