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Why?

Why?
 
 Why did you leave me, baby? We were happy.
 
 Well, I was happy. Is there something you weren’t telling me? Did I do
something to hurt
 you? I know you were upset over that deal I made with Buffy, but luv, that
was over a
 year ago. As disgusted as I am with myself, I’m over it, you should be,
too.
I did it for
 you, anyhow.
 
 Everything I have ever done has been for you.
 
 Yet, you throw it all in my face. You did it every single night since we
left Sunnyhell.
 You have managed to jump the bones of each creepy crawly of the night you
could find.
 
 You did it all to hurt me.
 
 Why?
 
 Love hurts, I know. I told Harmony that, but she didn’t mean anything
baby.
She wasn’t
 you. She was rebound.
 
 I’m not saying that as an excuse. It’s a fact. I’m not also saying that
because I want you
 back. I used to, but not anymore. It’s obvious to me now that I’m
completely
sober and
 back in the game. Maybe once you did really love me, but somewhere it
faded.
I just can’t
 figure out when. Was it when the great poof lost his soul? You got your
old
boyfriend
 back and then I suddenly wasn’t good enough anymore?
 
 Or was it before and you just kept it up to not hurt my feelings?
 
 Either way, baby, I don’t care anymore. I’m not going to degrade myself.
I’m
moving on.
 
 I’m moving on to someone very specific.
 
 ***
 
 Oh God, I can’t breathe.
 
 Why?
 
 Here I am, I haven’t left yet. I know Buffy needs me. There’s trouble
here,
like always. I
 can’t leave, I can’t. I can’t move, I can’t think. If I do, if I even
inhale
one breath, it makes
 all this real. I don’t want it to be real. I want to open my eyes. I want
to
open my eyes and
 see your face. I want to touch your hair, I want to smell your skin, I
want
to feel your lips.
 
 God, Oz, please. Please come back.
 
 I want to hear the door opening. I want to hear your footsteps.
 
 Most of all, I want you. You are literally my world. You are the earth
beneath my feet.
 You are the sun, the moon... you are my entire sky. You are the air that I
breathe.
 
 That is why I am lying here on my bed, choking. I need you. I need you so
I
can breathe
 again.
 
 Why?
 
 ***
 
 Why?
 
 Why did this happen to me? Why was I bit? I never did anything to hurt
anyone, not on
 purpose... I didn’t deserve to become what I am now.
 
 I don’t even know what I am anymore. Am I a man or an animal?
 
 God, Willow, I want you. I want you so bad it hurts. Oh God, it hurts. I
can’t breathe,
 Willow. I can’t even move. All I can do is sit here in the van and stare
off
into space.
 
 I want to go back. I do, but I’m afraid. I  am so afraid I will hurt you,
or
worse, kill you.
 That’s why I left.
 
 Please don’t think I left you. Please, please, please don’t think that. I
would never leave
 you. You’re my other half, Willow. Every aspect of my being is connected
to
you.
 Without you, there is no logic to my universe.
 
 I can’t live without you.
 
 I love you, Willow.
 
 That’s why I left. I need to figure out how to control this. I killed
once.
I’m afraid that I
 might one day do it to you.
 
 God damn it! Why! Why is this happening to us? It hurts! It hurts me and
it
hurts her.
 
 I’m dying without her.
 
 I can’t do this! I... I... Oh God, it’s like my heart is collapsing. I
need
her. There is an
 empty seat next to me, she should be there. She’s always there. She was
meant to be
 there.
 
 My hand is empty. It’s meant to hold hers.
 
 Why?
 
 ***
 
 Did I do something wrong? God, why is it always me?
 
 Yeah, I know I am the slayer. I know it’s my job to defend the world
against
the forces of
 darkness, but don’t I get a break? Why do I have to learn everything the
hard way.
 
 Premarital teen sex as an example. I make love to my first boyfriend and
he
loses his soul.
 the first time I have a beer, I turn into cave girl?
 
 Okay, what was I in a pass life? Did I ax murder someone? Was I some
massively
 heinous dictator? Was I a Republican?
 
 Alright, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to complain. I do have a lot. I’ve
survived. I know it’s my
 place in the world to fight and to suffer occasionally, but my friends
don’t
deserve it.
 Willow is the one person in the world who does not deserve anything bad to
her.
 
 She should be happy. She, of all the creatures walking the earth, should
be
content. Of
 everyone I know, she has never done a cruel thing to anyone, yet fate
steals
her boyfriend
 from her. Not in death, but circumstances. The Hellmouth once again throws
a
wrench in
 the works and makes it hard for her. She and Oz deserve each other. If he
wasn’t a
 werewolf, they would have heaven.
 
 They deserve heaven.
 
 So why don’t they have it?
 
 ***
 
 What is it with me and demons?
 
 Hell, what is it with me and life? My own parents are making me pay rent.
On
top of that,
 they won’t pay to fix the plumbing.
 
 She doesn’t mind though. Anya hasn’t complained once. In fact, she’s
sleeping on my
 chest right now. God, she looks so content. I’m afraid to breathe too hard
because it might
 wake her.
 
 Look at that, she’s smiling. I wonder if she’s having a nice dream. I
wonder
if she’ll
 remember it and tell me.
 
 This is much nicer than a praying mantis or a mummy. Sure, she was once an
evil genie
 demon, but she’s very human right now.
 
 It was hard for her. She is pretty much trapped here without very little
experience it very
 human living. I can’t say any of us made it easy for her.
 
 Well, I am now.
 
 I think I love her. I don’t know why, but I do.
 
 ***
 
 I can’t move, Oz. I can’t.
 
 I tried, but I couldn’t. I don’t have any strength left.
 
 You are my strength and you are gone.
 
 Did I do something wrong? We could have figured this out together! Giles..
Giles.. I
 mean, he’s the Watcher, well, former Watcher and he has all those books.
You’re not the
 first werewolf in history. He could have helped us find a way to control
the
wolf.
 
 But you left before I had this thought.
 
 I’m crying. God, I thought it didn’t have any tears left, but here they
are.
 
 Is because I kissed Xander? If it is, I’m sorry. It was... I don’t know
what
it was.
 Possession maybe. Teen hormones. It meant nothing. Even then, you were my
everything,
 I just didn’t know it.
 
 I know it now.
 
 I’m dying, Oz. I’m dying. My entire life force is fading away. My heart is
stopping and I
 still can’t breathe.
 
 Please come back.
 
 I need you.
 
 ***
 
 No.
 
 I’m not going to do this. I’m not going to leave you.
 
 I can work this out, the only way I can.
 
 I can’t think without you.
 
 I can’t breathe without you.
 
 I’m taking the easy way out, driving away like this. I’m running away and
leaving you
 behind to God knows what. I can’t do this. I need to be there. I want to
protect you. I need
 to know you are safe.
 
 I need you back in my arms.
 
 I’m coming Willow.
 
 ***
 
 I’m coming, Willow.
 
 I’m already here, right outside your door.
 
 God, I can already taste you.
 
 ***
 
 “Spike.”
 
 ***
 
 That’s right pet, it’s me. I’m here.
 
 Oh no you don’t. You’re not going to run away. I’m not going to let you
slip
away this
 time. I made that mistake at the factory and I’m not about to let it
happen
again.
 
 Oohhhhh, this is heaven. Even your struggles are ecstasy.
 
 ***
 
 Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh
God, oh
 God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God.
 
 I don’t want to die.
 
 If I die, I’ll never see you again.
 
 How did he get here? Why is he here? What does he want?
 
 Oh God, he’s biting me! It hurts! It’s twenty times worse than when
Harmony
was doing
 it.
 
 You were there then. You saved me. Why aren’t you here now.
 
 I’m scared. I don’t want to die.
 
 I can’t die.
 
 I want to see you one last time. I want one last kiss.
 
 I want to say I love you.
 
 Why?
 
 Why is this happening?
 
 Why?

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