She's
Not You
She’s not you, pet.
When I close my eyes, and slowly drift into
dreams, I sometimes imagine
she is.
Her skin is cold, but if I let my imagination carry me in
just the right
way, I can feel
warmth. The caress of her hand against my cheek is not
hers, it’s yours.
The
feel of her
hair belongs to you.
Then she speaks. The illusion is gone.
Bleeding Christ, what was I thinking?
Rebound, that’s what it was. Or perhaps I
was still a little bit drunk
when I first
took her with me. Or perhaps it was just the sheer initial
bliss of having
another body
with me. I had been so alone. But that’s all it had
been: initial bliss.
It
was a drug. It was a
comfort... until I recovered. Then I was trapped with what
felt like a one
night stand that
would not go away.
Maybe it had been her youth, the life she had
lived. This woman.. no
girl
had lived
a very shallow life, surrounded by riches and meaningless
status, cursed
to
only last past
the ending of her schooling. The real world was much
different. if she
hadn’t died, she
would have found that out.
She had never suffered like you did. She
didn’t know what real fear and
real pain
were like. She didn’t know real love. She only knew
things and how they
looked. Love
was not a feeling to her, it was something to show off,
like a pair of
bloody shoes.
You know what love is. I have seen the way you
looked at the wolf. I
saw
the look
you received back. True, you have your youth, but it was
one tempered with
fire and
blood. Despite the odds, you survived. You aren’t
weak. I dare say you are
stronger than
the Slayer is. You never give up, you never give in. You
began with next
to
nothing, and
look what you have become.
I miss your voice. I miss that smell. If I had
the chance to go back in
time, I
wouldn’t have passed up that smell down in the
factory.
She didn’t. She took you... probably
would have killed you, too. She
didn’t see
your life as having any meaning. That’s not to say I
think much of the
lives
of Happy
Meals... What I meant was to say, she looked down on you.
She saw you as
something to
wipe out. I know for a fact she didn’t put any thought
what-so-ever into
it.
I mean, going
after the Slayer’s best friend without a battle plan
is about as smart as
taking a noon walk.
I’m glad the wolf was there. I may hate
him, but I am happy he saved
you.
I think I first realized this after she came
to me in the tunnel.
Inside
I was furious
she had touched you. It wasn’t until now I realized
why.
I want you, pet.
I think I always knew it, but it never
surfaced.
You have wisdom, ducks. You know the world as
it really is. You have
risen
above the haze of delusion covering the modern world. You
know I am out
there, among
the other nasty things that hide in the dark. You even have
the gall to
fight us, even
without the Slayer’s strength.
Whether or not that is the smartest idea is
still the topic of debate.
I’ll admit is
quite noble from a certain point of view.
Of course, I’m going to have to put an
end to that.
It would have been easier with the ring, but
as I hear it, the great
pouf
has
destroyed it. Why, I can’t imagine. In truth,
it’s his only real defense
from me. Sooner or
later, we’ll have our final battle. Without the ring,
he has no chance of
surviving that. His
loss, my gain.
Lone wolf... Who the hell am I kidding? I was
never a solitary man. I
can
do
business alone, and given what happened with that blasted
torturer I damn
well plan to.
But in life, I need company. I need someone to pass the
time by with, to
hunt beside. I
need conversation.
She could never carry a dialogue. She has no
substance. You do.
Your presence couild inspire a milllion poems
and sonnets. Her presence
inspired
a great headache and a longing for sunlight. One look from
you could
reduce
a man’s
knees to jello.
Yet you waste it all on the wolf. A pity. You
are so loyal, I know you
really do
love him, much the way I loved Dru for all of those years.
I wonder
though,
how similiar
our situations are. Does he love you the same way I do? Is
he as loyal as
you are? I
wonder.
I would never leave you.
I will never leave you.
In fact, luv, I’m coming back now.
Back to Willow/Spike
