Episode 1 - Series 1

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=82 BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <div> <B>The End Of The Line</B></div> <div> Platform 3 - Royston Vasey</div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=140 BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <div> <B><U>The Gents</U></B></div> <div> <A HREF="id33.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Jeremy Dyson"><U>Jeremy Dyson</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id34.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Reece Shearsmith"><U>Reece Shearsmith</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id35.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Mark Gatiss"><U>Mark Gatiss</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id36.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Steve Pemberton"><U>Steve Pemberton</U></A></div> <div> <B><U>Information</U></B></div> <div> <A HREF="id37.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="News and Rumours"><U>News and Rumours</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id58.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Magazines"><U>Articles</U></A></div> <div> Interviews</div> <div> <B><U>On The Town</U></B></div> <div> Scripts</div> <div> Information</div> <div> <B><U>Royston Vasey</U></B></div> <div> <A HREF="id48.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Series 1 Scripts"><U>Scripts</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id45.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Series 1 Picture Gallery"><U>Series 1 Pictures</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id46.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Series 2 Picture Gallery"><U>Series 2 Pictures</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id47.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Series 3 Picture Gallery"><U>Series 3 Pictures</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id53.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Papa Lazarou.net "><U>Papa's Page</U></A></div> <div> <B><U>Events</U></B></div> <div> <A HREF="id38.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="The Local Show"><U>The Local Show</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id39.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Darkness Over Britain"><U>Darkness Over Britain</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id40.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="HMV Book signing"><U>HMV Book Signing</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id41.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Art"><U>Art</U></A></div> <div> <B><U>Appearences</U></B></div> <div> <A HREF="id52.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="TLC"><U>TLC</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id42.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Randall and Hopkirk"><U>Randall and Hopkirk</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id43.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Spaced"><U>Spaced</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id44.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="P.R.O.B.E"><U>P.R.O.B.E</U></A></div> <div> <B><U>Fans</U></B></div> <div> <A HREF="id50.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Fan Art"><U>Fan Art</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id60.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Encounters"><U>Encounters</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id51.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Precious Things"><U>Precious Things</U></A></div> <div> <B><U>Site</U></B></div> <div> <A HREF="id56.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="From The Gents"><U>A Message From TLoG</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id135.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Thanks and Links"><U>Thanks and Links</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Hairdoo Online"><U>Hairdoo</U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=398 BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <div> <B><U>Episode 1 - Series 1</U></B></div> <div> <B>1.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>THE DENTON FAMILY</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div> [ext. a dark brooding day in the rolling Derbyshire countryside. A sprinter train is speeding along a track in the valley. An old lady's voice can be heard...]</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >F1</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >"Dear Benjamin, we are so glad you are coming to stay with us..."</FONT> </div> <div> [int. train carriage. RS (as Ben) is sat reading a letter - the old lady's voice is<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>seemingly in his head...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >F1</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >"... if only for the night. I hope that you and your friend enjoy your hiking</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Holiday, and don't find our little town too boring. We have never been</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >camping..."</FONT> </div> <div> [RS suddenly purses his lips and looks to his right, with an annoyed expression.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Camera pans out to reveal it's a real little old lady sat next to him reading<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>the letter(!)]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >F1</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >"... as Uncle Harvey does not get on with chemical toilets."</FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Excuse me!</I> Do you mind? This is <I>private!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [MG (as the tannoy) announces...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" ><I>MG</I></FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>We are now approaching Royston Vasey. Royston Vasey, next stop.</I></FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>This... is the end of the line.</I></FONT> </div> <div> [RS stands up and retrieves his backpack]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>2.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>TUBBS & EDWARD</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [ext. moorland. MG (as Martin) can be seen hiking along a muddy track<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>towards the town. He comes across a sign with the words "WELCOME TO<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>ROYSTON VASEY - YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE!" Camera pans up to reveal the<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>town beyond in the distance. Back to MG, close up, as he spies a single<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>building a short distance away, perched high above the town. The sign on<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>the side of it reads "LOCAL SHOP"]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>3.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.) / BARBARA</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [ext. train station, in town. RS (as Ben) is sat on the kerb waiting, and<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>looking at his watch. RS suddenly stands up, and the camera pans out to<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>reveal the sign for the station is "THE LAST STOP". A lurid pink taxi with<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>"BABS CABS" on the side pulls up. RS puts his rucksack in the boot. PH<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>(as Barbara, but speaking with SP's voice overdubbed) gruffly asks...]</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Where to, pal?</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[RS gets in the back of the taxi]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Swan Mills estate, please.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Right-ho.</FONT> </div> <div> [int. taxi. The "woman" driver has very hairy arms and legs...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Are y'ere for work or pleasure?</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Pleasure, I suppose. I'm staying with relatives and I'm going hiking with a</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >friend.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh, it's a nice part o' town is Swan Mills. Lovely shops. It's where I get my</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >dresses from.</FONT> </div> <div> [RS notices Barbara's hairy legs for the first time]</div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >The thing is - they know me there, now. I couldn't go into Dorothy Perkins'</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >once me bust started showin', y'know.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh.</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[int. close up of Barbara's hairy open neckline, with a gold "Barbara" pendant</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >dangling around her neck]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>I've only been on the 'ormones eighteen months. Me nipples are like <I>bullets</I>.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>[INTRO, THEME MUSIC STARTS]</B></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>4.</B></FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>BARBARA (cont.) / CHINNERY</B></FONT> </div> <div> [ext. T-junction. The Local Shop can be seen (thanks to CGI) high up on the moors, overlooking the town. The pink taxi approaches, and drives past. PH greets MG (as Chinnery), who is cycling up the road]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Morning, Dr Chinnery!</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Morning, Sandra!</FONT> </div> <div> [MG waves to a fat man posting a letter in a talking red postbox. SP (as the<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>electronic voice of the postbox) says...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" ><I>SP</I></FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Thank you for posting your letter inside me!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [MG carries on cycling, narrowly missing a dog crossing the road. Camera<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>pans up to show MG cycling down the hill, revealing the town's inhabitants<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>going about their business. At the top of the arc, an angel holding a crown<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>of thorns looks down on the town]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>5.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>HILARY, MAURICE & SAM / GEOFF, MIKE & BRIAN</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [ext. butchers. MG is now cycling past "H. BRISS & SON". We see SP and RS<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>(as Geoff and Mike) walking the other way. As they go past one house, a<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>woman throws a bucket of soapy water on to the pavement, narrowly<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>missing them. They turn in surprise, but say nothing and carry on walking.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>As they get to the butcher's, MG (as Hilary) also throws out a bucket out of<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>his doorway. But it's not soapy water - it's blood and offal! RS gets the<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>most of it, all over his lower trousers and shoes. (NB: watch out for this link<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>later!) Camera pans up to reveal the two rather annoyed looking men. MG<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>folds his arms, and offers a somewhat insincere apology...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Sorry, lads.</FONT> </div> <div> [MG spies an old lady across the road, tending her flower stall, "Fleur de Lee's<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>of Royston Vasey". F1 waves across the road to MG. A sign in the flowers<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>reads "EVERYTHING MUST GO"]</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>6.</B></FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>HENRY & ALLY</B></FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[SP and RS (as Henry and Ally) try to go into the video shop, but crash into the door instead...]</FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Locked!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Aww, come on!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[the camera pans right to reveal a flyer stapled to the lamp-post, which has</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >a picture of a hand with an arrow pointing to a circled digit. Underneath are</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >the words "LOST! Have you seen my finger? 01484 469885".]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>[EPISODE ONE - WELCOME TO ROYSTON VASEY]</B></FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>7.</B></FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>BERNICE</B></FONT> </div> <div> [ext. street. A Daimler hearse drives under the camera's POV, past Bernice's<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>church with a sign outside which reads "SALVATION - JESUS IS IT!" There<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>is a name spelled out in wreaths of flowers along the side of the coffin. It<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>reads "BASTARD"]</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>8.</B></FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>TUBBS & EDWARD (cont.)</B></FONT> </div> <div> [ext. Local Shop, high up on the moors. MG (as Martin) is approaching the<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>front door. A bell softly tinkles as he steps inside. Close up of his red<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>hiking boots. MG looks around, and picks up a snowstorm bubble, shakes it,<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>and puts it down again. From behind the door blind, SP (as Tubbs) spies<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>on him for a while, before getting the courage to come out into the shop.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>MG has his back to her, examining a teddy bear...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Yes?</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh! I'm sorry. Are you... open?</FONT> </div> <div> [SP's head is nervously waving about]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yes! Can I help you at all?</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh - no thanks! I'm just... just looking.</FONT> </div> <div> [pause as MG carries on looking around the shop. SP watches him from<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>behind the counter, before creeping up on him and surprising him at the<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>comb rack]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I haven't seen you before! Are you local?</FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >No - I'm, er, meeting up with a friend, actually. Going hiking. Cheerio!</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[MG makes for the door, but SP calls him back]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Can <I>I</I> help you at all?</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well - yes, actually. I was wondering how much this snowstorm was?</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[MG picks up the snowstorm again]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Aaaaaargh! What are you doing?</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Sorry!</FONT> </div> <div> [MG hastily replaces it on the shelf again, as SP comes panting around behind<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>the counter, picks up the snowstorm and hugs it tightly, stroking it]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Don't touch the <I>things!</I> This is <I>local</I> shop! For <I>local</I> people! There's<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>nothing for you, here!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I can pay!</FONT> </div> <div> [MG makes to retrieve his wallet from inside his jacket]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Keep your hands where I can see them!</FONT> </div> <div> [MG dutifully raises both hands, in a "I surrender" fashion]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>I have a <I>husband</I>, you know!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP points to the back of the shop]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>He's upstairs - he's sure to hear <I>everything!</I> If you were to... come back<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>here and... touch my...<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP starts rubbing her breasts, lost in fantasy]</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>No, I...</I></FONT> </div> <div> [SP suddenly snaps out of her reverie]</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >EDWARD! EDWARD!</FONT> </div> <div> [RS (as Edward) appears from the back of the shop, and looks accusingly at<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>MG]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >trouble, here!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>I caught <I>him</I> stealing from the shop!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [MG tries to defend himself, hands still in the air, but RS continues...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Who is he? Is his identity <I>known?</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >He's not local!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Look here, we're very <I>proud</I> of our town. This is a <I>decent</I> town, and a<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>local</I> shop. We'll have no trouble, <I>here</I>.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>He asked me to open the <I>till!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>No!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>He has a <I>plan!</I> He covets the <I>precious things</I> of the shop!</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[SP holds up the snowstorm as evidence]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Oh. <I>Tea leaf</I>, eh?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [RS starts to walk around the counter to MG]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>You people are all alike. You march in here - <I>young!</I> - try and touch the...<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>local things</I>. I suppose next you'll be spraying me with one of those cans<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>of paint! Smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [pause MG looks thoroughly fed up - SP is enjoying it!]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I've got your number, fellah! You won't get far!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >He tried to see under my <I>clothes!</I></FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[MG looks incredulous]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Pervert, eh?</I> Sex! On the brain! Wet the bed, I'll bet - as a <I>boy?</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [RS turns for an aside to SP]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >(No sisters!)</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[RS walks around to MG's right side, looking closely up at him]</FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>I used to be in a <I>war!</I> I put paid to a few like you! This is a <I>decent</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>town, and a <I>local</I> shop! <I>There's nothing for you, here!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Tell him I can't have babies, anyway!</I></FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[MG rolls his eyes, disbelieving what he's hearing. RS looks pained]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Tell him my insides are all wrong!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [SP and RS are almost sobbing now]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Devil!</I> Go on, then! <I>Take</I> the precious things of the shop! <I>Burn</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>down</I> our home! <I>Rape our dead MOUTHS!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [MG's face looks like thunder]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >So long as I don't have to listen to any more of this disgusting <I>babble!</I></FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[MG finally loses it, and rounds on RS, shouting...]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>LOOK!</I> I'm <I>sorry</I>, if I've done anything to <I>upset</I> or <I>offend</I> either of<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>you! I just wanted to come in here and browse your <I>bloody SHOP!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[SP recoils in horror at MG's outburst, RS looks down silently at the floor]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >If you don't mind, I'll just... leave quietly.</FONT> </div> <div> [MG makes for the door, but RS bars his way]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Graaargh!</FONT> </div> <div> [RS looks at SP, MG looks puzzled]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>You... <I>heard</I> the man, Tubbs?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP says nothing, as RS grins]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Get undressed.</FONT> </div> <div> [SP looks overjoyed, and starts tugging at her blouson and cardigan, rubbing<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>her breasts again]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>9.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>BARBARA (cont.)</B></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[ext. Hadfield. The pink taxi is driving through a housing estate, in the rain]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yeah - it's quite a straightforward operation, really. Basically, they <I>split</I> the</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >penis in two...</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[RS (as Ben) nods uncomfortably in the back seat]</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >... and invert it, using the membrane to form a sort of...</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[they drive past the Job Centre]</FONT> </div> <div> <B>10.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>PAULINE, MICKEY & ROSS</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [int. Job Centre. SP (as Pauline) comes bouncing down the stairs...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Hokey-cokey-pig-in-a-pokey!</I> (Ahem!)<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP clears her throat, and puts her things on her desk]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Hello, gents! Ooh! It's half past nine! <I>Time</I> for men - men with <I>jobs</I> -<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>to go to <I>work!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP hangs her bag and coat up]</div> <div> <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Other men... stay in bed 'til <I>dinner-time</I>, watching tots TV, thinking about<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>how <I>worthless</I> and <I>pathetic</I> they are.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP turns to address the sad bunch directly]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Good <I>morning</I>, job seekers.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [there is no reply from the men, though a few look up from their desks]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Now, we were thinking yesterday - weren't we - about <I>jobs</I>.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[SP holds her clipboard up, pointing to what's written on the Nobo board]</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>D'you <I>remember?</I> And what did we <I>conclude?</I> Hmm?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [silence from the group. RS (as Ross), grudgingly concedes...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >There aren't any.</FONT> </div> <div> [SP looks slightly aggrieved, and corrects RS...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>No, Ross - we <I>concluded</I>, there are <I>so many</I> jobs out there, we need to<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>know what our <I>options</I> are. Hmm?</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[SP helpfully points to the words "JOB OPTIONS" written on the Nobo board]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>So, today, we're going to have a little... <I>brain storming</I> session.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP goes over to perch on MG's (as Mickey) desk, to confide...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >(Don't worry, Mickey love - it doesn't hurt.)</FONT> </div> <div> [MG grins inanely at her, as SP stands up again]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>First up,</I> who can tell me, what <I>this</I> is? Hmm?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP holds up a thick blue felt pen. MG hurriedly hangs his head down again]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >It's a pen.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Yes, Ross - it's a <I>pen!</I> One of Pauline's pens. And me and Mr Pen, we're<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>going for a little walk...<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP waltzes around the room, waving said pen in the air]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >... down the High Street. Where we're going to see lots and lots of people,</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >doing lots and lots of jobs.</FONT> </div> <div> [RS mutters an aside to MG...]</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >(Not our High Street, then.)</FONT> </div> <div> [SP is looking out of the window, into the town]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Ooh, look - there's Mr <I>Pastry!</I> What d'you think <I>his job</I> could be, gents?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [a tired voice from the back calls out...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >M1</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Baker.</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[an animated SP waltzes back to the Nobo board]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Yes, good. Baker. So I'm gonna write that up on the <I>board.</I> B-A-K-E-R.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>And then... ooh! Look who's over there!</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[SP points to a corner of the room]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>It's Mr... Cabbages. And <I>his</I> job is?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP cups a hand to her ear, expectantly, and an enthusiastic MG calls out...]</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Fireman!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>No, Mickey love - <I>he</I> is a g-r-e-e-n-g-r-o-c-e-r.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP writes "GROCER" on the board as she's speaking]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>But... his good friend is <I>Mr Flames!</I> And he is a... ?</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Greengrocer!</FONT> </div> <div> [pause as MG's face drops, and SP corrects him...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >No...</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[another disinterested voice from the back calls out...]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >M2</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Fireman.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Good!</I> Come on, gents! Shout <I>more</I> jobs out! Let's get a <I>list</I> going!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[SP waves her hand, encouragingly. All except MG have their heads bowed]</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >FIREMAN!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yeah - we've got that one, Mickey love.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[SP points and snaps her fingers towards RS, who reluctantly mutters...]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Newsagents.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Good!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [SP turns to furiously scribble the job title on the board, but RS continues to<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>call out...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Policeman. Carpet fitter.</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[SP turns round to address them]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yes, that is a job - isn't it?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Doctor. Vet. Tennis player.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >M2</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Football player.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Just a minute, gents! T-e-n-n-i-s p-l-a-y-e-r.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Fireman!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Window cleaner. Gardener. Architect.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Yes, slow down!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [RS keeps spitting out jobs. SP is unable to keep up]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Tinker. Tailor. Solider. Spy. Butcher. Baker. Candlestick maker.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yeah, I think...</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Fisherman.</I> BUILDER. <I>LABOURER.</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Yeah - all right, clever dick!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[pause as SP chunters his tongue against her bottom lip, annoyed at RS]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >That's enough, now.</FONT> </div> <div> [pause for a few more chunters before RS blurts out...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>AN <I>ASTRONAUT!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>PISS OFF!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [slight pause, before SP rounds on RS]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>You can shout out as many jobs as you like, Ross - you're never going to<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>bloody <I>get one</I>, you worthless <I>dole scum!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [pause as SP hovers in front of RS, chuntering away before recovering herself,<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>and gently asking MG...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Can you think of a job, Mickey love?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yeah!</FONT> </div> <div> [MG hands SP a letter]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Aww - you see, Ross? This poor bastard can't even <I>spell</I> job, but at least<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>he tries.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP starts to read the letter, while MG tries to prove he can spell job...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Juh... oh...</FONT> </div> <div> [MG can't get any further, and starts counting his fingers]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>What's this? "Dear Mr Mickey, we would like you to come in for an<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>interview</I> this <I>afternoon?</I>"<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh, that's brilliant, Mickey - what's it for?</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[MG turns to SP and happily announces - guess what?...]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Fireman!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [pause as SP looks horrifed]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>11.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>BARBARA (cont.) / THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [ext. street. the pink taxi is now approaching the Dentons' house]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>It's not so bad, once you've been shaved and marked up wi' lipstick, y'know.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Course, they won't know about <I>lubrication</I> 'til they've opened me up.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [pause as RS gets out, and retrieves his rucksack from the boot]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>12.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[ext. house. RS approaches MG (as Val) waiting for him at the front door]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Hello, Aunty Val!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Benjamin! Come inside. Quickly. Quickly.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[pause as MG shuts the door, then turns to direct RS through the house]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Through here, Benjamin, please.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Oh, thank you, Aunty Val. Very, er, <I>kind</I> of you to let me stay.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [RS and MG enter the living room. It is decorated in hideous 70's kitsch<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>wallpaper. There are clear plastic protective covers over the backs of the<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>settee and chairs. Forty seven decorative frogs of one type or another<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>adorn the room. Five porcelain ones are lined up on the coffee table]</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh, not at all, not at all. I was only saying to your Uncle Harvey over</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >breakfast, we don't see enough of your side of the family.</FONT> </div> <div> [RS deposits his rucksack on one of the easy chairs. MG looks suitably<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>pained, picks up a piece of spare bubble wrap off the coffee table,<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>and places it under RS's rucksack. RS watches, and nods politely]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Now, whilst you're staying with us, we want you to relax. Come and go as</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >you please, and...</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[MG adjusts the porcelain frogs, making sure they're all perfectly in line]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >... treat this place just like your own home.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well, I am only staying one night.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I know, I know.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >And I do have to meet Martin, later.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Absolutely.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[MG invites RS to sit down on the settee. RS is half way down, when...]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >What is it?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well, it's just a little thing, but... in this house, we do ask that you leave your</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >shoes in the front porch.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh!</FONT> </div> <div> [SP's (as Harvey) voice can be heard as he approaches from the hallway...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Who's left muddy foot prints all over the lobby carpet?</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Sorry! That was me. Sorry.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Ah, <I>Benjamin</I> - it's just that in this house...<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP proffers his hand to RS, who shakes it]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >... we leave our shoes in the front porch. Underneath the barometer.</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Ah, yes - sorry about that.</FONT> </div> <div> [RS looks suitably chastened]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I was just explaining to Benjamin, Harvey, that whilst he's staying with us,</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >we want him to relax, and treat this place just like his own home.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Of course, of course.</FONT> </div> <div> [SP looks over the rim of glasses at RS, and says sternly...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Take your shoes off.</FONT> </div> <div> [pause as RS duly obliges, then SP wags a finger at him, and directs him out of<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>the room...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >This way. Good.</FONT> </div> <div> [all three walk to the front porch. RS places his shoes directly underneath<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>the barometer]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >We thought that...</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Not there!</I> There.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [RS moves the shoes three inches to the left]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Left a bit. And the... right one closer to the left.</FONT> </div> <div> RS tries to oblige, but doesn't get it quite right enough for SP, who sighs...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >That'll do.</FONT> </div> <div> [they walk back towards the living room, with MG pointing to the cupboard<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>under the stairs.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >We thought you'd be happiest down here on the sofa bed. You'll have your</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >own shower and W.C.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Into which we don't pass solids.</FONT> </div> <div> [pause as RS wonders just how he can go to the toilet without...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >A-and you won't have the girls running in and out every five minutes.</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh, well.. that sounds great.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Of course, <I>I</I> shall be inconvenienced, as this room serves as my <I>study,</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>but...<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP picks up RS's ruck sack]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >... I can stay late at the office.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh, well if it's any trouble, then...</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>No.</I></FONT> </div> <div> [slight pause before SP menacingly says...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >It's fine.</FONT> </div> <div> [SP walks out of the room, RS sits on the settee, and immediately gets up<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>again to follow MG into the kitchen]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well, there are just one or two other things I'll have to explain so you'll feel</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >absolutely at home. Firstly, the keys.</FONT> </div> <div> [MG dangles a small bunch of keys at RS, who holds his hand out...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh.</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[... but instead of giving them to RS, MG opens a cupboard by the sink</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >instead. Revealing row upon row of keys]</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Now, they're all colour coded - so it shouldn't take you too long.</FONT> </div> <div> [RS hangs his head]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>13.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>GEOFF, MIKE AND BRIAN (cont.)</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [ext. small business forecourt: "PLASTIC INJECTION MOULDINGS CO. LTD".<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>SP (as Mike) and RS (as Geoff) walk out of the building]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>... y'see - this is what I'm sayin', Geoff. There won't <I>be</I> any work if they<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>don't get on with this... bloody road.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Eh?</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Well, we're dyin' on our <I>arses</I>, 'ere.</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[RS turns round to call to a non-existant MG (as Brian)...]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>It'll be all right. COME ON, BRIAN! WE'VE ONLY GOT AN <I>HOUR</I> FOR DINNER, Y'KNOW!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [ext. alley. SP and RS are making for the Mason's Arms pub]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>God, he's bloody <I>deaf</I>, 'im.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well - y'know what they say, Geoff.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[slight pause - Geoff's lower trousers are splashed in red. (Remember?)]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >What?</FONT> </div> <div> [SP mumbles something, smiling to himself]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Eh?</FONT> </div> <div> [SP mumbles again, a little longer this time, still grinning to himself]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>I can't 'ear ya!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [MG's head appears around the corner, and he runs up to them]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>I <I>said</I>... BUMMERS ARE DEAF! Ah!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Ah-ha! Ah, yeah - it's a good one, that - in't it?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I fell for it an' all!</FONT> </div> <div> [SP walks a little further ahead of RS and MG]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Sorry, lads. Er, gettin' that table for tonight.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >All right. Eh, er, Brian...</FONT> </div> <div> [a little thug throws a milk bottle behind their feet, just missing them]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >... y'know what they say, don't ya?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >What?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Bummers are deaf.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >What d'you mean?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well, they're deaf - aren't they?</FONT> </div> <div> [RS and MG stop briefly, as RS labours his point to a puzzled MG]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Bummers... are deaf.</I></FONT> </div> <div> [RS starts to cross the road. MG follows shortly after]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I don't know what you're on about, Geoff.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Well, I don't. Mike <I>said</I> it. He was really laughin'.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [RS and MG follow SP into the pub]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>14.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>CHINNERY</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [ext. country lane. MG (as Chinnery) is cycling up to a farm house, in the<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>best "All Creatures Great and Small" tradition. SP (as Tinsel) comes out to<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>greet him]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Afternoon.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >It's just through 'ere, vit'nary.</FONT> </div> <div> [int. hallway. SP directs MG into the house and down the hall]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Right-ho.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yer a good lad. Thanks fer comin' at such short notice.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Not at all.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >She's in 'er basket. I know she won't suffer wi' you, Mr Chinnery.</FONT> </div> <div> [int. back room, straight out of the 1930's. In the foreground, a collie is<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>sleeping in a basket. A tearful SP sniffs into his handkerchief, then goes<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>out of the room]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I won't be a minute.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Right.</FONT> </div> <div> [SP turns and goes over to the mutt, patting it on it's head]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Hello. Hello, old girl. On your last legs, you old trooper? Well, never mind.</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Had a good innings, eh? Chased a few cats? Chewed a few bones?</FONT> </div> <div> [MG is fishing something out of his bag - it's a syringe]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well... won't be in pain much longer.</FONT> </div> <div> [MG squirts some fluid out the end of the needle]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Don't mind this. Just a silly little needle.</FONT> </div> <div> [MG makes to inject the dog - who whines a little...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >There we go. Shhh! Good dog. There. Shhh.</FONT> </div> <div> [MG gently lowers the dogs head down]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Off to the land of nod, eh?</FONT> </div> <div> [SP appears at the door, struggling to carry a fat spaniel in his arms]</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >'ere she is, vit'nary. By, that tumour puts another 'alf stone on 'er.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Who've you got there, then?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >It's Blacko. The poorly one. The one I want puttin' down, y'know.</FONT> </div> <div> [MG starts to look a little worried, and licks his lips heavily]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Er... and this one? The... the, er, sleeping one? By the fire?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Whisky? My little angel, she is. My little princess. Aren't you, chick?</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[unsurprisingly, there is no response from "Whisky"]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Really. Right.</FONT> </div> <div> [MG stands up again. SP can't understand why there's no response]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Whisky? Whisky?</FONT> </div> <div> [pause]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I wonder if you'd take a seat, Mr Tinsel. I've some... rather upsetting news.</FONT> </div> <div> [SP looks confused]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>15.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>PAULINE, MICKEY AND ROSS (cont.)</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [ext. establishing shot, outside the Job Centre. From inside we hear...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>So, job seekers - when we think about what skills <I>you've</I> got. We can<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>narrow this list of job options down to...<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP is busy crossing off job titles from the Nobo board with the blue pen,<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>before ringing a couple]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>... baby sitter, and... <I>bramble picker!</I> (Dunno where that one came from!)<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Right. I'm gonna dish me pens out again.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[SP wanders to the back of the room. MG holds his left arm out for RS]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >(What time is it, Ross?)</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >(You've got a watch, Mickey!)</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Colin? No chewing on them, this time - all right?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >(I know, but what time is it?)</FONT> </div> <div> [RS mutters, utterly disinterested...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >(Quarter past four.)</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Right.</FONT> </div> <div> [MG stands up, gets his jacket off the back of his chair, and makes to leave.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>But his attempted escape does not go unnoticed...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Erm - just a sec? Where d'you think you're goin'?</FONT> </div> <div> [a happy MG smiles and proudly says...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Interview!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >You're goin' nowhere, buster. Sit down.</FONT> </div> <div> [a crestfallen MG hangs his head, and slowly makes his way back to his chair]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Right, job seekers - as I was saying, I want you to take a look at this list...</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Just a second - how's he gonna get a job if you don't let him go for his</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >interview?</FONT> </div> <div> [SP thinks quickly for a moment, then points at the board]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>How's he goin' to get an interview, if he doesn't know his job options?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>He's already <I>got</I> an interview!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Ross - that is not my responsibility. My "responsibility" is to turn all of you<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>into Job Seekers. Where would <I>I</I> be if you all got work before the end of<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>this course?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >M2</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >On the dole.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Exactly! I'd be sat 'ere, next to Mr Waddylove, stinkin' o' shit!</I> This is my<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>job</I> we're talkin' about!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>No, it's not - it's MICKEY'S job!</I> You <I>go</I>, Mickey!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [MG gets up again, but only manages a couple of steps towards the door...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >M-i-c-k-e-y?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[MG stops momentarily, before RS shouts some further encouragement]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >GO!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Mickey!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [a confused MG stops in his tracks]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >If you walk out o' that door, I will have no option but to stop your benefits.</FONT> </div> <div> [one quick chunter, while MG looks upset]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yeah. Both claims.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>She can't <I>do</I> that!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP gently challenges...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Try me.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Uh, <I>please</I>, Pauline - I feel <I>confident!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Well you look <I>ridiculous!</I> I know they've put monkeys in <I>space</I>, but d'you<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>really think they'll 'ave one drivin' a fire engine? Sit down!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Go!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [MG hangs his head, and shuffles back into his seat. SP looks triumphant.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>RS looks disgusted at SP's manipulation]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >That's right, Mickey love - you stick to what you know, eh?</FONT> </div> <div> [slight pause as RS screws his face up behind SP's back]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Pauline's right. I <I>am</I> stupid.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [now RS looks disgusted with MG too]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Right, the rest of you! I want you to split yourselves into two groups:</I> <I>baby sitters and bramble pickers...</I> and we're gonna look at the second<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>stage: "Getting an interview".<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>16.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>BARBARA (cont.) / GEOFF, MIKE & BRIAN (cont.)</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [ext. street. The pink taxi is driving up a hill. RS's (as Geoff) voice can be<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>heard from the back seat]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Barbara - are bummers deaf?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >No idea.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Dunno why I'm askin' you. You're a woman.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Not quite, Geoff. They've to open me up first, along the base of the</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >scrotum, and then they...</FONT> </div> <div> [RS winces]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>17.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [int. upstairs bathroom. MG is now reciting the scissor rhyme to RS...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >... black for paper, chrome for string, blue ones from this hook do swing! We</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >keep them clean, don't be mistaken, for kitchen jobs, like trimming bacon!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Right, well I'd better be off. I'm meeting Martin at six o'clock.</FONT> </div> <div> [RS makes to leave, but MG intercepts him]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >And then there's the towels. White for hands, brown for feet, green for</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >torso, thighs and seat! And in the cupboard beneath the stair...</FONT> </div> <div> [SP enters the bathroom, in a bathrobe, carrying a red towel]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>... you'll find the <I>rrr</I>-red for pubic hair.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Tee-hee-hee!</FONT> </div> <div> [RS smiles unconvincingly]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well, I think that's covered just about everything. Er, you might want to</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >relax. Perhaps you would like to see Harvey's toads?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Er... what?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>I breed <I>toads</I> for a hobby.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Really.</FONT> </div> <div> [SP removes his robe, revealing his extended belly. His white T-shirt is<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>tucked inside his extra large Y-fronts]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh, well, er, the thing is, I'm meant to be meeting Martin, um, later...</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Protrachianism is a most rewarding past-time. Er, we thought we'd give you</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >a tour of the amphibarium, and then - if you're very good - I'll let you stroke</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >my greenback.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[RS looks less than impressed at this offer, and mistakenly enquires...]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh, um, but don't toads give you warts?</FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >(Oh!)</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[pause as MG breathes in sharply, and looks away. SP looks murderously at</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >RS, before correcting him...]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>YOU MAY GIVE A TOAD A WART, BUT A TOAD MAY NOT GIVE A WART TO</I></FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>YOU!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I'll just... go and put the kettle on.</FONT> </div> <div> [pause as MG creeps around the back of SP, who is still staring down a<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>chastened RS]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well, I'd better, er...</FONT> </div> <div> [RS makes for the bathroom door, but SP blocks him, and slides the bolt over.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>SP then leans in to whisper in RS's ear...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >While the wee wife's away, just a... few words on the subect of onanism.</FONT> </div> <div> [RS uncomfortably backs away a little, then SP directs him to sit on the lid<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>of the loo]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>In this house,</I> we don't masturbate.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [RS looks incredulous. SP stalks over to RS and puts a hand on his shoulder]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >It's not a very pleasant thing to do. Particularly with two young girls running</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >around, now is it?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >(No.)</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>I'd hate to think of either Chloe or Radcliffe... tearing downstairs, first thing<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>in the morning, only to find <I>you</I>, hunched double on the sofa bed...<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[pause as SP sits on the edge of the bath. RS pulls a face]</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>... pumping your fist. So... while you're a guest with us, er, if you could<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>reign in those <I>baser</I> instincts - if you don't mind, Benjamin, please?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >No, that's... fine.</FONT> </div> <div> [RS turns to his left. There are two toilet roll holders next to the toilet. One<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>is marked "1's", the other "2's"]</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Good!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [SP gets up, unlocks and opens the door . MG reappears carrying a tea tray]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Everything hunky-dory? Good. I'm so glad it's all sorted.</FONT> </div> <div> [SP retreives the two mugs, and gives one to RS. MG walks out of the bath<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>room, casually commenting...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Semen is such a <I>persistant</I> stain.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> RS looks even more uncomfortable]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>18.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>GEOFF, MIKE AND BRIAN (cont.)</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [ext. establishing shot, outside "SHEBABS" indian restaurant. From inside, we<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>can hear RS's voice shouting for service...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >OI! THREE BLUEBIRDS, PLEASE!</FONT> </div> <div> [int. restaurant. SP, RS and MG are sat around a table]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Oh, he's bloody <I>deaf</I>, 'im.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well - y'know what they say, Geoff.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >What?</FONT> </div> <div> [SP wags a finger at RS, who finally clocks on. SP and MG laugh]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh yeah, all right, all right!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[pause as all three laugh. The waiter approaches with three pints on a tray]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Eh, Brian... tell Mike mau-mau.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >You what?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >You know. That one about the mau-mau.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh, I can't remember that, Geoff - you tell him.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>No, you can. Eh, Mike - Danny Taurus told us this joke, up at the Con Club,<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>an' it's the <I>funniest</I> bloody joke. Tell it, Bri.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Me?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yeah, go on.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >All right. There's these three fellahs.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Yeah.</I> Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Englishman, Irishman, Scotchman. They get lost in the desert...</FONT></div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Jungle.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Is it?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Yeah!</I> Go on.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >All right. They get lost in the jungle. They get killed by these cannibals...</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>No, not yet!</I> You missed the whole bloody <I>joke</I> out, you idiot!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Well, I can't <I>remember it</I>, Geoff! You tell him!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>No, you CAN!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >It's all right - I'm not bothered, actually.</FONT> </div> <div> [SP gets up to off to the gents, but RS orders him back]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>No, well, SIT DOWN!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Eh?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Sit down.</FONT> </div> <div> [pause as SP stands still for a moment, then does as RS says and sits down]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >He's tellin' a joke.</FONT> </div> <div> [slight pause, then RS coaches MG]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Now - just remember what the end is, then go back.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Right... there's an Englishman...</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Fruit.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >What?</FONT> </div> <div> [slight pause]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >It's the fruit.</FONT> </div> <div> [slight pause as MG thinks for a moment, then exclaims...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Oh!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>He remembers it, now!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Oh, right, right!</I> Englishman, Irishman, all right? They've got to go out<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>into the jungle, pick ten pieces of fruit, and bring 'em back. So they bring<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>'em back, and the Chief says, "So, Englishman..."<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Do - the - voice.</FONT> </div> <div> [slight pause as RS stares down MG, who hangs his head before complying]</div> <div> <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>The Chief says, "So, Englishman - now you must choose between <I>death</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>or <I>mau-mau.</I> The Englishman says, "We Englishmen do not bow to<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>savages!</I> I'll choose mau-mau!" So they grab him, an' they stick the ten<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>pieces of fruit up his arse!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yeah - what did he pick?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh, the Englishman chose... cherries!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Cherries!</I> Can y'imagine that, Mike? Ten <I>cherries</I> stuffed up yer arse?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Cherries are only really <I>small</I>, though - aren't they?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [pause as RS stares expectantly at MG, then proffers some encouragement...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Go on, Bri.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh, right. Yeah, so the, er, Chief turns to the Scotchman and says, er,</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >"Death or mau-mau?" Scotchman says, "Mau-mau", an' he... oh... what's</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >the... Scotchman's fruit, Geoff? Is it banana?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >No, it's smaller than that. Just a sec.</FONT> </div> <div> [RS raises his hand to his head, deep in thought. MG mistakenly carries on...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well, let's just say for now...</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>IT'S TOO <I>BIG!</I> It spoils the <I>next</I> one!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [MG hangs his head for a moment, chastened]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Apple!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >NO!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Strawberries?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>WHAT, IN THE <I>JUNGLE?</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [pause]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>No, just <I>think</I> what it is for a <I>minute.</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [pause]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Eh, Bri - why are there no aspirins in the jungle?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Dunno.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >'cause the parrots-eat-'em-all!</FONT> </div> <div> [slight pause as MG laughs]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >D'you get it?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Yeah, I'd 'ave said para-<I>cet</I>-amol.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [slight pause as SP looks aggrieved]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well, either way, I think it works - you know?</FONT> </div> <div> [RS still has his faced screwed up, deep in contemplation]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>19.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [int. basement, the amphibarium. SP is showing RS his collection of toads]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>As you can see.. the <I>horned</I> toad requires only <I>three</I> droplets on a slice<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>of moist bread.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Only three? Well, look - the thing is - I'm meant to be meeting my friend</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Martin, so...</FONT> </div> <div> [SP grabs RS's arm and leads him across to some more glass tanks]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Moving on...</I> Zenaphus Li<I>aph</I>is, is a <I>completely</I> different species<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>altogether...<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>20.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>GEOFF, MIKE AND BRIAN (cont.)</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [int. restaurant. The three are still sat around their table. SP and MG are<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>talking - but RS's face is screwed up, silent. SP and MG are on their<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>dessert, having obviously had their meal in the mean time...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I mean, the thing you've gotta remember, Brian, everyone's banking on this</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >road - what if it doesn't happen?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Oh, I thought it was a dead cert?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well, you can't say that.</FONT> </div> <div> [RS suddenly springs in to life, and bangs the table, shouting...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>PLUMS!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [slight pause as MG looks up from eating his dessert]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >You what?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>THEY'RE <I>PLUMS! Come on!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Oh, Geoff - it doesn't matter <I>now!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>COURSE IT <I>BLOODY MATTERS!</I> HE'S RIGHT NEAR THE END!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[slight pause]</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>THERE'S ONLY THE BLOODY IRISHMAN <I>LEFT! Come on, Brian!</I> The Chief<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>turns to the Irishman an' he says, "<I>Death or mau-mau?</I>"<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [SP points jokingly at RS]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >You didn't do the voice!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>DUN'T MATTER! <I>FINISH IT!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I can't remember it!</FONT> </div> <div> [RS points a warning finger at MG, and orders...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>Finish it!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Geoff, I cant remember it!</FONT> </div> <div> [RS sobs...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >P-l-e-a-s-e!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>I <I>honestly</I> can't <I>remember!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [RS breaks down, hangs his head down, sobbing, then cries...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>IT'S JUST A BIG BLOODY <I>JOKE</I> TO YOU, IN'T IT?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [slight pause]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>INNIT?</I> YEAH, GEOFF CAN'T TELL A <I>JOKE!</I> GEOFF <I>IS</I> A JOKE! GEOFF<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>ENTERS A <I>TALENT</I> COMPETITION AN' <I>LOSES?</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [pause]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>ME MAM SAID I WOULD <I>WIN!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [pause]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>I WAS ON'Y <I>EIGHT!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [RS suddenly leaps up, and pulls something out of his jacket...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>YA KNOW I'VE GOT THIS <I>GUN</I>, DON'T YA?</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[... and waves it back and forth between SP and MG]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>OH, YOU'RE ALL LISTENING NOW, EH? WELL <I>YOU</I>... ARE GONNA TELL THIS<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>JOKE... AN' WE'RE ALL GONNA <I>LAUGH!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [RS instructs the last part to all the diners, who dive for cover, before<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>putting the pistol to SP's head...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>OR ELSE <I>HE GETS IT!</I> ALL RIGHT BRIAN?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>ALL RIGHT, GEOFF! JESUS! <I>CALM DOWN!</I> I'LL FINISH THE JOKE!</div> <div>  <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[RS holds a rather frightened SP by the collar]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Er... the Chief... turns to the Irishman and says, "D-death or mau-mau?"...<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>and... the Irishman looks at <I>his</I> fruit...<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [RS temporarily breaks away from holding SP hostage to wave the gun at MG]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>PINEAPPLE! PINEAPPLE! PINEAPPLE!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>AARGH! AARGH! ARGH!</I></FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>GROOOGH!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [MG's "Irish" accent is risible...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >The Irishman looks at his pineapples, and he says... "I don't think I could stand</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >the mau-mau - I'll choose death!" And the Chief says to him...</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[pause as MG struggles to remember the rest of the joke. A worried SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >glances over to MG as RS cocks the trigger and places the barrel against</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >SP's temple. SP manages to croak out...]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>(Get it right, Brian!)</I></FONT> </div> <div> [slight pause as MG puts his hands together in prayer...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >The Chief... says to the Irishman...</FONT> </div> <div> [pause before MG shakes his head, and puts his fist to his mouth...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I can't remember!</FONT> </div> <div> [SP quietly prompts MG...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >(He says, "Death - by - mau-mau!")</FONT> </div> <div> [pause before RS releases his grip, lowers the pistol, and says...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Oh, 'ave you <I>'eard</I> it?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yeah.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >It's good, though - in't it?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yeah, yeah.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yeah, yeah, yeah.</FONT> </div> <div> [RS sits back down, and the rest of the diners breath a sigh of relief and go<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>back to their meals... RS holds up his empty glass and shouts...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>OI!</I> THREE BLUEBIRDS!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <B>21.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>THE DENTON FAMILY (cont.)</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [ext. street, at night. RS has finally escaped, and is waiting for his friend.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Nearby, MG (as Mickey) is playing with a remote-control fire engine]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Excuse me - you haven't seen someone waiting here, have you?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >What do they look like?</FONT> </div> <div> <B>22.</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>TUBBS & EDWARD (cont.)</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [int. local shop. Scots policeman MG is showing SP (as Tubbs) a photo of<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Martin the hiker...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Twenty eight years old, brown hair. Name of Martin Reith.</FONT> </div> <div> [camera pans down to reveal SP is wearing a pair of bright red hiking boots...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I found the wallet outside the shop. Has he been in today?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>No! I don't know anything!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [slight pause]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Now if you'll excuse me, officer - the shop <I>is</I> local.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Well, er, perhaps your <I>husband</I> saw something. Is he on the premises?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >He's... up the stairs... cleansing the precious things of the shop. He... can't</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >walk, you see. And.. he's blind.</FONT> </div> <div> [just at that moment, a very mobile and bespectacled RS enters through<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>the shop door. He's wearing a water bottle on his chest, and a large hiking<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>pack on his back...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >trouble, here.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Are you the proprietor?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yes, yes.</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Well, your wife said you were up the stairs, sir.</FONT> </div> <div> [slight pause]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I... slipped out, Tubbs. For a... walk. Didn't want to disturb... you. Fine</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >evening. The town. We're very proud.</FONT> </div> <div> [SP holds the photo so RS can see it]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>He's looking for a <I>boy!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Puffter</I>, eh?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[RS sidles up to an annoyed MG, who is struggling to remain collected...]</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Little bummer boy? Come across your type before in the Forces. You won't</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >catch me with my trousers down!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Sir, I'm here on <I>police</I> business. I found this boy's <I>wallet.</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>Local</I> boy?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" ><I>He's not from our town!</I></FONT> </div> <div> [RS joins SP behind the counter]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Ah, do we know his parents?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I said, "We've never seen him before"! (Did Tubbs do right?)</FONT> </div> <div> [RS takes the photo from SP and studies it]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>You did it <I>beautifully</I>, Tubbs!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [slight pause before RS and SP turn to MG]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>There's your answer, sir. Never seen this... <I>boy</I> before. Now, if you will<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>excuse us - we've a shop to run.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [RS hands the photo back to an unconvinced MG]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Yes, of course. Thank you for your co-operation. Good evening.</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >[pause as MG makes his own way to the door. Just as he's about to step</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#008080" FACE="Arial" >outside, SP blurts out...]</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>WE DIDN'T <I>BURN</I> HIM!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [... which stops MG in his tracks, then comes back into the shop. RS looks<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>disappointed with SP, who hangs her head low...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>I <I>beg</I> your pardon?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [START OF ADDITIONAL FOOTAGE]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>You're not from around here, are you? The, er, <I>local</I> bobby we're used to.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>You see, <I>Tubbs</I> - my <I>wife</I> - Tubbs and I, we <I>know</I> everyone around<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>here. The people don't <I>change</I>, we... don't <I>like</I>... change.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>We don't even <I>give</I> change!<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Strangers come to the shop. To the town. <I>Young</I>, most of them. In<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>gangs of <I>one</I> or <I>two</I>... they leave gates <I>open</I>, they trample <I>crops</I>.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Strangers make the crops fail!</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >And if the crops fail?</FONT> </div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>They must not fail!</I> If the crops fail, the town fails! <I>If the town fails,</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><I>the SHOP fails!</I> And that must not <I>happen!</I> We are <I>community!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>We are <I>legion!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>We are <I>local!</I><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [slight pause]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >MG</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >I think we'd better continue this conversation down at the station, don't you?</FONT> </div> <div> [pause as a worried SP fondles the snowstorm for comfort, and looks at RS]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Edward?</FONT> </div> <div> [pause as RS walks around the counter to stand next to MG]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >You... heard the man, Tubbs?</FONT> </div> <div> [pause as RS shuts the door and changes the sign to "CLOSED"]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#00FFFF" FACE="Arial" >Get undressed!</FONT> </div> <div> [SP takes off her cardigan, suggestively, then starts removing her shirt...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>[END OF ADDITIONAL FOOTAGE]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>[ext. establishing shot of the local shop silhoutted at the top of the hill.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>A large fire is burning a short distance away from it...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>[ext. close up to the fire now, RS and SP approach it. RS throws a<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>constable's helmet on to the pyre...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >SP</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Edward? Will <I>more</I> strangers come?<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> [RS puts a comforting arm around SP's shoulders...]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFF00" FACE="Arial" >RS</FONT><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>Calm yourself, Tubbs. <I>None</I> shall come.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> ext. close up of the "ROYSTON VASEY CHRONICLE", burning in the fire. The<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>headline can still be read: "NEW ROAD PLANNED - STRANGERS EXPECTED"]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>[ext. parting shot of RS and SP huddled by the bonfire, overlooking the town]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT>[END CREDITS]<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT><B>© BBC 1999</B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <A HREF="http://www.powerage.demon.co.uk/league/home.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.powerage.demon.co.uk/league/h"><U>TLoG Scripts</U></A></div> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>