CHASING AMY - Kevin Smith
You are the 
to read this script since June 7, 1999
INT. COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY
A pile of COMIC BOOKS are on a shelf next to myriad
others. The most prominent one is called BLUNTMAN AND
CHRONIC. A hand reaches in and pulls one out of frame.
HOLDEN opens the comic and flips through it He shakes his
head. BANKY looks over his shoulder.
BANKY
Felt Like this fucking day would never
come. Issue two - on the shelf.
HOLDEN
Yippee.
BANKY
Dont start, alright! This is a cool
moment, and Id appreciate you not
trying to ruin it. How often does
a guy get the opportunity to purchase
something with his name on it!
(points to name on cover)
Banky Edwards- right!
(points to the other)
Holden McNeil.
HOLDEN
I know my name.
BANKY
Cmon, sour puss. We got the rest of
our lives to be artists. But its
supply and demand. And right now,
the unwashed masses demand this.
HOLDEN
(off comic)
This is easy, alright! And right now
it pays the bills. Just dont forget
that were better than this.
BANKY
Ill tell you who were better than:
these two fags right here.
They approach the counter, where STEVE-DAVE, the store
manager, and WALT the Fan-boy, play a card game.
BANKY
(lays books on the counter)
Alright Old-Maids - take a break from
the Crazy-8s marathon and ring us up.
STEVE-DAVE
(not looking up)
Well, well,well, Walt Did you see who
it is! The local celebrities. Quick -
get them to autograph one of their
books so we can sell it for triple
its value.
WALT
Im not that in need of fifteen cents
right now.
They snicker and high-five one another. Holden rolls his
eyes.
BANKY
You guys operate the smallest, ladies
bridge circle Ive ever seen.
WALT
For your information, were playing
Crimson Mystical Mages - an
overpower card game. Not that either
of you would give a shit about
something as advanced as this -
there are no dick or poopie jokes
involved.
BANKY
(to Holden)
I dont think theyre fans.
WALT
No, were not. Youre both a couple
of fucking no talents that got lucky.
STEVE-DAVE
And obviously your handlers or hangers-
on convinced you that your first comic
was good which it was not it was
thoroughly mediocre with a few spiky
bits of dialogue. And when you get
your foot in the door of the business,
what do you do! You turn out a piece
of shit like Bluntman and Chronic.
WALT
Tell him, Steve-Dave.
STEVE-DAVE
(off comic)
Bluntman and Chronic. Pah.
What was that thing the little stoner
pulled on the villain in the last
issue!
WALT
The Stinky-palm.
STEVE-DAVE
Stinky-palm. You give comics a bad
name I tell all my customers not to
buy it, to spend their money on a real
comic book.
WALT
Fucking one hit wonder, dime-store
Frank Millers.
STEVE-DAVE
This is the reality at Comic-Toast -
youre not going to get your ass
kissed here, because both me and Walt
think you suck.
WALT
And me.
STEVE-DAVE
I said that.
Steve-Dave offers the boys his two middle fingers, then
goes back to playing his game with Walt. Holden and
Banky stare, shocked. Banky nudges Holden and they both
exit Steve-Dave and the Fan-boy slap hands and go back to
playing.
WALT
Ive got a dragon card - forty power-
ups and twelve life points! Ha! I
get your elf card!
STEVE-DAVE
Youre such a bitch! But thankfully,
Ive saved a dark forces Shaman card
for just such an occasion.
WALT
You suck! Eighty six life-power
points to my twenty two!
STEVE-DAVE
I schooled their asses, now Im
schooling yours.
Suddenly. A trash can crashes through the front window.
Steve-Dave and Walt hit the deck like bitches, covering
one another. They look up slowly. Steve-Dave leaps to
his feet and looks at the shattered mess. He pulls
something off the garbage can and reads it.
WALT
You know it was those two fucks!
Lets call the cops and have them
busted! I know where their studio is!
Or better yet, lets sue! You can sue
them, Steve-Dave!
STEVE-DAVE
(still reading note)
That wont be necessary.
WALT
What?! Why the hell not!
STEVE-DAVE
(holds up check)
Because this is a check for three
times what that window cost.
(reading note)
Dear critics - thanks for the
insight. But like my grandmother
always said - Fuck em if they cant
take a joke.. and break their window.
Kiss it, Banky the Hack.
P.S. - Your card game blows.
WALT
He said Kiss it!
CREDITS
INT. COMIC BOOK: CONVENTION SIGNING BOOTH - DAY
A physically large FAN - sweaty brow, tote bag bursting
with comics - leans forward, smiling.
FAN
Could you sign it To a really big
fan!
Holden sits at a table. Across from the barely-managing-
to-stand Fan. He offers him a patronizingly kind, half-
smile in return,
HOLDEN
You bet.
Were at a Comic Book show, specifically at a book-
signing. Behind Holden hangs a large banner, heralding
HOLDEN McNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS -
CREATORS OF BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC. Beside it is a large
mock-up of the comic book cover which features two stoner
super-heroes who bear a
striking resemblance to a pair of very familiar friendly
neighborhood drug
dealers, Holden hands the book back to the Fan.
FAN
I love this book man! This shits
awesome. I wish I was like these guys
- getting stoned, talking all raw
about chicks and fighting
supervillains! I love these guys!
Theyre like Cheech and Chong meet
Bill and fed!
HOLDEN
I like to chink of them as
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern meet
Vladimir and Estragon.
FAN
Yeah!
(beat)
Who!
BANKY signs the book of another COLLECTOR.
COLLECTOR
So you draw this!
BANKY
(signing the comic)
I ink it and Im also the colorist.
The guy next to me draws it. But we
both came up with the characters,
COLLECTOR
Whats that mean - you ink it!
BANKY
Well. It means that Holden draws the
pictures in pencil, and then he gives
it to me to go over in ink
COLLECTOR
So you just trace!
Banky freezes up. He composes himself and continues
signing.
BANKY
Its not tracing. I add depth and
shading to give the image mere
definition. Only then does the drawing
really take shape.
COLLECTOR
You go over what he draws with a pen -
thats tracing.
BANKY
(hands book back to
Collector)
Not really.
(calling out)
Next!
A LITTLE KID steps up but the Collector lingers.
COLLECTOR
Hey man. If somebody draws something
and then you draw the same thing right
on top of it, not going out-side the
designated original art what do call
that!
LITTLE KID
(shrugs)
I dont know. Tracing?
COLLECTOR
(to Banky)
See?
BANKY
Its not tracing.
COLLECTOR
Oh, but it is.
BANKY
(to Little Kid)
Do you want Lour book signed or what?
COLLECTOR
Hey - dont get all testy with him
just because you have a problem with
your station in life.
BANKY
Im secure with what I do.
COLLECTOR
Then say it - youre a tracer.
BANKY
(grabbing Little Kids book)
How should I sign this?
LITTLE KID
(grabs book back)
I dont want you to sign it, I want
the guy that draws Bluntman and
Chronic to sign it. Youre just a
tracer.
COLLECTOR
Tell him, Little Shaver.
Holden accepts a comic from another Fan.
HOLDEN
(off comic)
Who do I sign it to!
Before Holden can finish, a loud crash is heard. He
looks to his left and freaks.
Banky is throttling the Collector from across the table.
The Collector attempts to fight him off. SECURITY GUARDS
pull them apart. Holden grabs Banky.
COLLECTOR
Jesus! All I did was call him a
tracer!
BANKY
(to Collector)
ILL TRACE A CHALK LINE AROUND YOUR
DEAD FUCKING BODY, YOU FUCK?!
HOLDEN
(to Security Guard)
Could you get him out of here!
The Security Guards drag the collector away.
COLLECTOR
Hey, wait a sec! He jumped me! And
youre dragging me away!!
(exiting)
Fucking tracer!
BANKY
(calling OC)
YOUR MOTHERS A TRACER!!
HOLDEN
Can I explain the audience principle
to you! If you insult and accost
them, then we have no audience.
BANKY
He started it! Fucking cock-knocker!
Hes lucky I didnt put my pen through
his thorax!
HOLDEN
Need I remind you...
(holds up watch)
Curtains in ten minutes.
INT. COMIC BOOK CONVENTION LECTURE HALL - DAY
HOOPER fills the frame. He comes off like a typical, pro-
black/anti-white homeboy.
HOOPER
For years in this industry whenever an
African-American character - hero or
villain - was introduced usually by
white artists and writers - they got
slapped with racist names that singled
them out as negroes: Black Panther,
Black Lightning, Black Goliath, Black
Mantra, Black Talon, Black Spider,
Black Hand, Black Falcon, Black Cat..
VOICE FROM CROWD
Shes white.
HOOPER
She is?
(beat)
Well bust this - regardless.
Were at a panel discussion. The room is full. Five
creators sit at a long table, their names on placards in
front of them.
(One of them is a very striking Girl.) The banner behind
them reads WORDS UP - MINORITY VOICES IN COMICS.
HOOPER
(holds up comic)
Now my book, White-Hating Coon,
doesnt have any of that bullshit. The
heros name is Maleekwa, and hes a
descendant of the black tribe that
established the first society on the
planet, while all you European mother
fuckers were still hiding in caves and
shit, all terrified of the sun. Hes a
strong role model that a young black
reader can look up to, Cause Im here
to tell you - the chickens are comin
home to roost, yall: the black mans
no longer gonna play the minstrel in
the medium of comics and Sci-
Fi/Fantasy! Were keeping it real,
and were gonna get respect -
by any means necessary!
During the speech, Holden and Banky enter and sit up
front.
HOLDEN
(calling out)
Bullshit! Lando Calrissian was a
black man, and he got to fly the
Millennium Falcon!
Hooper whips his head around, looking for the source of
the comment
HOOPER
Who said that?!?
HOLDEN
(standing)
I did! Lando Calrissian is a positive
black role model in the realm of
Science Fiction/Fantasy.
HOOPER
Fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle Tom
nigger! Always some white boy gotta
invoke the holy trilogy! Bust this -
those movies are about how the white
man keeps the brother man down - even
in a galaxy far, far away. Check
this shit. You got cracker farm-boy
Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy -
blond hair, blue eyes.
And then youve got Darth
Vader: the blackest brother in the
galaxy. Nubian God.
BANKY
Whats a Nubian?
HOOPER
Shut the fuck up! Now Vader, hes a
spiritual brother, with the force and
all that shit. Then this cracker
Skywalker gets his hands on a light-
saber, and the boy decides hes
gonna run the fucking universe - gets
a whole Klan of whites together, and
theyre gonna bust up Vaders hood
the Death Star. Now what the fuck do
you call that!
BANKY
Intergalactic Civil War!
HOOPER
Gentrification. Theyre gonna drive
our the black element, to make the
galaxy quote, unquote safe for white
folks.
HOLDEN
But Vader turns, out to be Lukes
father. And in Jedi, they become
friends.
HOOPER
Dont make me bust a cap in your ass,
yo! Jedis the most insulting
installment, because Vaders
beautiful, black visage is
sullied when he pulls off his mask to
reveal a feeble, crusty white man!
Theyre trying to tell us that deep
inside, we all want to be white!
BANKY
Well isnt that true!
Hooper explodes, He pulls a nine millimeter from his
belt, draws on Banky and fires. Banky goes down, falling
forward into the crowd The crowd screams and starts to
scatter, Hooper jumps over the table and raises his fists
in the air.
HOOPER
BLACK RAGE! BLACK RAGE!! ILL KILL
ANY WHITE FOLKS I LAY MY MOTHER
FUCKIN EYES ON!!!
The crowd-is gone. Holden sits in his chair, laughing.
Hooper steps off the stage and picks Bankys head up off
the floor.
HOOPER
(breaking character)
Whats a Nubian! Bitch, you almost
made me laugh!
Hooper sounds different Actually, he sounds gay.
Actually - he is. Banky smiles.
BANKY
Well what about you! You didnt tell
me you were going to scream Black
Rage. I nearly pissed myself.
HOLDEN
How do you manage to get away with
this all the time? Shouldnt cops be
busting your head open right about
now?
BANKY
Wrong coast.
HOOPER
(off gun)
Well this right here - she full of
blanks, okay. And Opiate gets all
sorts of legal clearances before I go
on.
HOLDEN
Your publisher condones these
theatrics!
HOOPER
Condones? Honey, they insist. I need
to sell the image to sell the book
Would the audience still buy the
Black Rage angle if they found out
the book was written by a.. a...
BANKY
Faggot.
HOOPER
When you say if it sounds so sexy...
(he kisses Banky full on the
lips)
BANKY
(wipes his lips)
Hey, hey! Ill play your victim, but
not your catcher.
VOICE
How is it that you sound like Minister
Farakhan when youre on stage..
They turn to see...
A beautiful, blonde, ruffled-haired angel swinging her
purse in a circle. Her name is ALYSSA. Shes the
striking Girl from the panel who didnt get to say much.
ALYSSA
...and the King of Pop when youre
nor.
HOOPER
Look out, boys - this kitten has a
whip.
ALYSSA
(shoves and slaps him)
Always before I get to speak! I swear
- the next con I attend and they ask
me to be on the minority panel, if I
see your name anywhere near the List,
Im passing.
HOOPER
(defending himself)
Holden. Banky - this pile of P.M.S.
is Alyssa Jones. She does that book
Idiosyncratic Routine. This is the
fourth panel weve been on together,
and even though she knows my publisher
sets this up and pays for the event.
She still gets mad when it ends with
my act.
ALYSSA
I just wish I was the one who gets to
shoot you.
HOOPER
Thats what my father said when I came
- nay - leapt out of the closet
(off guys)
These boys do Bluntman and Chronic,
which outsells both of our books put
together, hence theyre never on a
panel with the likes of us. They
slumming right now.
BANKY
Ive read your book. Its cute.
Chick stuff, but cute.
Holden hits him.
BANKY
What?
HOLDEN
(shoots him a look; to
Alyssa)
Sorry about him. Hes dealing with
being an inker.
ALYSSA
(to Banky)
Oh. You trace!
Banky seethes.
HOLDEN
(shaking her hand)
I really enjoy your book Im surprised
weve never met at any other Cons
before.
ALYSSA
Lose the dick or change your skin tone
and we can get to know each other on
panel after panel while the Pink Black
Panther here plays Chuck D. for the
fanboys.
HOOPER
Hey, jealousy.
(to the Boys)
I told Alyssa Id buy her a post-rave
drink. Do the Garden-Staters have to
sprint to the Lincoln Tunnel, or can
you stay for a round in the big, scary
city!
BANKY
Were gonna take off soon...
HOLDEN
Well go.
Banky offers Holden a puzzled glance. Then he nods to
Hooper.
BANKY
Well go.
INT BAR - NIGHT
Holden, Banky, Alyssa and Hooper sir around a table
drinking, talking, and smoking.
BANKY
Archie, alright! Archie and the
Riverdale gang were a pure and fun-
lovin bunch. You cant find
dysfunction in those comics, because
they were just flat out wholesome.
HOOPER
Archie and Jughead were lovers.
(sips his drink)
BANKY
Shut the fuck up.
HOOPER
Its true. Archie was the bitch and
Jughead was the butch - thats why
Jughead wears that crown-looking hat
all the time: he the king, of queen
Archies world.
BANKY
Man, I feel a hate-crime coming on
HOLDEN
Hes got a point. Archie never did
settle on Betty or Veronica.
BANKY
Because he wanted them both at the
same time, you assholes! He never
chose one because he was trying to get
both of them into a three-way!
HOOPER
(pulls out a dollar and hands
it to Banky)
Here. I want you to go down to the
corner store and buy yourself a clue.
Go on.
BANKY
Eat it. Urkel.
HOOPER
I told you to watch it with that Urkel
shit. Face it, girl - Archies a
sister.
BANKY
(getting up; to Hooper)
Thats it. You.
HOOPER
Moi?
BANKY
You are marching back across the
street with me, and were going to
pick up a shit load of Archie books, I
am going to prove to you - beyond the
shadow of a doubt that Archie was all
about pussy. Come on.
HOOPER
(sliding out of booth)
This boy is conflicted, I shall play
mother-therapist for him. You two sit
tight. We shall return promptly.
Banky and Hooper exit, leaving Alyssa and Holden alone at
the table.
ALYSSA
Is he always Like that!
HOLDEN
For years now. Started back in third
grade - a nun was teaching us about
the Blessed Trinity. Shes going on
about the three persons in one God
thing - Father, Son, Holy Spirit - and
he just goes ballistic. I guess it
was too big for him to grasp. They
got into this huge fight.
ALYSSA
Please. How bad could it have been!
HOLDEN
You ever seen a nun call a small child
a fucking cunt-rag? Wasnt pretty,
Shit like thats bound to happen when
you make a kid wear a matching tie and
slacks everyday.
ALYSSA
And your parochial school
misadventures!
HOLDEN
Limited to wine-tasting prior to mass.
Turned me into a grade school
alcoholic altar boy. I couldnt tell
you how many mornings after serous
benders Id wake up next
to strange priests.
ALYSSA
Arent you the sharp wit!
HOLDEN
Sharp! No. Im just a fan of clergy-
molestation humor. Probably why the
extended family quit inviting me to
First Communion parties.
Alyssa laughs. Holden smiles.
ALYSSA
(looking OC)
You play darts!
HOLDEN
Not professionally. You know - only
in bars.
[Next]
