CHASING AMY - Kevin Smith
AT THE DART BOARD
A dart hits the board then, one hits the wall beside the
board.
Alyssa winds up with another dart. Holden watches. Her’s
always hit. His never do.
ALYSSA
So your new book seems to be selling
like mad.
HOLDEN
It goes back to something my
grandmother told me when I was a kid.
“Holden,” she said “The big bucks are
in dick and fart jokes.” She was a
church-goer.
ALYSSA
Uh-oh - the cry from the heart of a
real artist trapped in commercial hell
- pitying his good fortune. I’m sure
you can dry your eyes on all those fat
checks you rake in.
HOLDEN
I’m sorry - did I detect a note of
bitter envy in there!
ALYSSA
Nope. I’m happy my stuff gets read at
all. There’s very little market for
hearts and flowers in this spandex-
clad, big pecs, big tits, big guns
field. If I sell two issues, I feel
like John Grisham.
HOLDEN
(looking out window)
It’s all about marketing. Over- or
underweight guys who don’t get laid -
they’re our bread and butter. People
like those two outside should be
yours.
Through the window, we see a COUPLE making out on the
hood of a car.
HOLDEN
And sadly, there are more of our core
audience out there than yours.
(smiles)
Look at that, though - kind of gives
you a little charge, to see two people
in love. And all over Banky’s car, no
less. That car’s seeing more action
right now than it’s seen in years.
ALYSSA
Bubbly guy like that, it’s hard to
figure out why.
HOLDEN
(still looking at OC Couple)
You’ve gotta respect that kind of
display of affection. It’s crazy,
rude, self-absorbed - but it’s love.
ALYSSA
That’s not love.
HOLDEN
Says you.
ALYSSA
That out there! That’s fleeting.
HOLDEN
Fleeting.
ALYSSA
Uh-huh. You wanna hear about love!
Oh, I’ll tell you about love.
HOLDEN
A story?
ALYSSA
The story. The original love story.
HOLDEN
‘Doctor Zhivago’.
ALYSSA
Nope. My mother’s uncle. He was a
millionaire.
HOLDEN
Get out.
ALYSSA
I kid you not.
HOLDEN
Explain.
ALYSSA
All through high school, he dated this
one girl. They were inseparable.
And when they graduated, she went off
to Carnegie Mellon...
HOLDEN
In Pittsburgh.
ALYSSA
I’m impressed. So he stays in the
home town, and they begin their long-
distance relationship. The plan is,
on the third Sunday of every month,
he’ll train out, spend a week then
train back They do this for four
years.
HOLDEN
That is love.
ALYSSA
Not nearly finished. Two months
before she’s going to graduate, he’s
got this job digging graves, and he
comes across...
HOLDEN
A stiff.
ALYSSA
A steamer trunk containing silver
ingots.
HOLDEN
Get out of here.
ALYSSA
Many, many silver ingots. Now, my
mother’s uncle being quite the
ingenious chap - he buries the trunk
again and heads up to the main office,
where he proceeds to purchase a
cemetery plot. Guess which one?
HOLDEN
Clever.
ALYSSA
So now he owns the plot and all of its
contents. Two days later, my
mother’s uncle is worth three million.
HOLDEN
At which time he marries the high
school sweetheart and lives happily
ever after.
ALYSSA
Not even close. Inside the steamer
trunk, stenciled into the wood, or
something like that, is a curse.
HOLDEN
Someone wrote ‘Fuck’ inside his new
steamer trunk.
ALYSSA
Not that kind of curse. A cryptic
curse “Great fortune means great loss”
it said.
HOLDEN
What kind of asshole writes that
inside a steamer trunk!
ALYSSA
The same kind of asshole that buries
silver ingots. The day my mother’s
uncle is heading out to see the girl,
he stops at his accountant’s to grab
some cash, and winds up missing his
train. So he has to take the next one
- which he does - and he gets there an
hour later than his usual time of
arrival, whereupon he sees lights.
HOLDEN
A hero’s welcome for the new
millionaire.
ALYSSA
It seems that while she was standing
on the platform waiting that extra
hour for my mother’s uncle to show up,
the girl was dragged into the bushes
by an unknown assailant, raped and
gutted.
Holden is silent Alyssa downs her drink.
ALYSSA
The assailant was never apprehended.
HOLDEN
(beat)
That’s a love story!!
ALYSSA
Yes, and here’s why: my mother’s uncle
rode that train every day for the rest
of his life. One day up, the next day
back. Did that ‘till the day he died.
He donated the fortune he’d acquired
to the train station in Pittsburgh, to
have a well-lit terminal built.
The train line let him ride for free
after that.
HOLDEN
I should hope so. Jesus, that’s the
saddest tale I’ve ever heard.
ALYSSA
That’s my love story.
Alyssa tosses her last dart. Holden seems a bit dazed.
He looks out the window.
HOLDEN
Those two aren’t on the hood of
Banky’s car anymore.
ALYSSA
I told you It wasn’t love.
(grabs her purse)
I gotta split. It was really nice
meeting you. I wish you the best of
luck with your book.
(shakes his hand)
Tell Hooper I’ll call him later. And
tell your friend to calm down.
Alyssa exits to the night. Holden stares after her. Two
beats later, Hooper and Banky enter, holding an
‘Everything’s Archie’ comic between them.
BANKY
You’re insane. Archie is not fucking
Mister Weatherbee!
HOOPER
Deny, deny, deny.
(to Holden)
Where’s Alyssa?
HOLDEN
Huh! Oh. She left. She said she’d
call you later.
BANKY
(off comic)
He’s just offering to help Archie with
his homework!
HOOPER
Read between the lines.
BANKY
(shoves book at him)
Fuck this.
(to Holden)
Let’s go. Traffic.
(no response from Holden)
Holden!
HOLDEN
(shaken)
What!
BANKY
Let’s go.
HOOPER
(looking out window)
D’jou see that dent in the hood of
your car!
BANKY
(looking out window)
What the...! Son of a bitch!
Banky runs out Holden shrugs at Hooper.
HOOPER
Let me guess: you like her!
HOLDEN
Who?
HOOPER
Miss Alyssa Jones.
HOLDEN
She’s alright.
HOOPER
As long as that’s all.
(finishes drink)
Maybe you can convince that partner of
your’s to drop me off downtown before
you scurry out the tunnel!
HOLDEN
(beat)
Mister Weatherbee wasn’t really trying
to fuck Archie, was he!
They begin exiting.
HOOPER
Hell no. Weatherbee was Reggie’s
bitch.
INT. STUDIO - DAY
We’re in Holden and Banky’s studio/apartment. It’s a
rented loft-style place with high ceilings, wood floors
and sparse furnishings. There are posters on the walls,
a sort of kitchenette, a hockey net, a big TV. (with all
the trimmings - VCR, Laserdisc player, Sega, SNES), a
huge comfy couch, and two drawing boards with adjacent
desks (littered with pencils, pens, coloring pencils,
paints, erasers, etc.) - at which sit Holden and Banky.
They’re working. Some music plays.
C.U. OF HOLDEN PENCILING - over his shoulder, we see
Holden sketching Chronic in mid-attack of his arch-
nemesis - the Giggler. Holden erases a line and re-
draws.
C.U. OF BANKY INKING - over his shoulder, we see Banky
outlining a pre-penciled page. He traces Bluntman
swinging from a street light.
The two work in silence. Then...
BANKY
(not looking up)
This is one of the best street lights
you’ve ever drawn.
HOLDEN
It’s the one across from the post
office.
BANKY
Looks just like it.
HOLDEN
Thanks.
(beat)
What do you wanna do tonight!
BANKY
Get a pizza. Watch ‘Degrassi Junior
High’.
HOLDEN
(erases)
You got a weird thing for Canadian
melodrama.
BANKY
I’ve got a weird thing for girls who
say ‘aboot’.
The phone starts ringing. Holden answers it, while still
drawing.
HOLDEN
Bank-Hold-Up.
CROSSCUT between Holden and Hooper. He’s on a phone in a
CLUB.
HOOPER
Hooper here. Listen, I know how you
burb-fiends hate the city, but there’s
a club shindig going down that I think
you’d get into.
HOLDEN
Where is it?
HOOPER
Place called Her-sterectomy - I’m
tempting as bar-keep.
HOLDEN
I don’t know, Hoop. We’re prepping
the next issue, and we’ve got our big
M-TV meeting in the morning.
HOOPER
I told her you wouldn’t be interested.
HOLDEN
Told who?
HOOPER
Alyssa.
HOLDEN
Alyssa from last night Alyssa?
HOOPER
How do you begin and end a question
with the same word like that? You got
skill. Yes, that one. She asked me
to invite you. Now here’s the part
where you say...
HOLDEN
I’ll be there.
HOOPER
Thought so. Ten o’clock. Later.
(both hang up)
BANKY
Who was that?
HOLDEN
Hooper. He invited me to a club.
BANKY
When’s that faggot going to learn -
you like chicks.
HOLDEN
(getting up)
Not that kind of a club.
BANKY
So when we leaving?
HOLDEN
‘We’? You can’t go. He’s setting me
up with Alyssa.
BANKY
And?
HOLDEN
And I don’t want you messing it up.
BANKY
Like I care about your shit. Maybe
I’ll hook up myself.
HOLDEN
(pulling on coat)
I just told you - it’s not that kind
of club.
BANKY
How does one man get to be so funny!
HOLDEN
(throws him his coat)
How are you going to get home if I
hook up!
BANKY
Like that’ll happen.
HOLDEN
Let me explain something to you, my
witless chum the other night in that
bar, we two - Alyssa and I shared a
moment, alright!
BANKY
Oh, you had a moment!
HOLDEN
(brings his two pointer
fingers together)
We shared a moment. And in that
moment, one thing was made abundantly
clear: this girl loves me, my friend.
Loves-me.
6. INT. HER-STERECTOMY - NIGHT 6.
It’s a club - people are mingling, a band is playing,
it’s loud. But something’s fishy. Hooper’s tending bar.
He hands a GUY a drink. The Guy sips it.
GUY
This is so watered down. It’s
terrible. Why is it you can never get
a decent drink in these places!
Hooper looks around in a very exaggerated fashion.
GUY
What are you doing!
HOOPER
Trying to find you a tissue.
The Guy shoots Hooper an angry glare, Banky enters.
BANKY
Alright - bring on the free hootch.
HOOPER
As long as you don’t bitch about how
little alcohol is in the drink.
(hands Banky a drink; to Guy)
You owe me five sixty.
GUY
(off Banky)
And I suppose you’re going to make
your friend here pay for his drink
right!
BANKY
Hey, I befriended a guy in a position
of authority so I could abuse that
authority and get free shit. You want
to do the same? There’s a lonely
Hindu works at the’7-ll’ across the
street. Get in tight with him.
The Guy angrily pulls out his money and slams it on the
bar.
GUY
I work at that ‘7-11’!
(storms away)
BANKY
(calling after him)
Wanna be friends!
HOOPER
Where’s your better half!
BANKY
Taking a piss. Guy’s got a bladder
like an infant.
HOOPER
That’s funny - he says you’re hung
like an infant.
BANKY
Must his mother tell him everything!
Holden enters.
BANKY
What’d you do - fall in love?
HOLDEN
Where is she?
HOOPER
Over there...
ON THE DANCE FLOOR - in the middle of a thrall of people -
dances Alyssa. She moves like a cat and she’s looking
very sexy.
OC HOOPER
Been dancin’ for an hour. Hasn’t
stopped yet.
Hooper, Holden, and Banky stare OC.
BANKY
She ain’t no Denny Terrio, I’ll say
that.
Holden smacks Banky and moves to exit.
HOOPER
Wait. wait, wait - there’s something
you should know.
HOLDEN
She’s got a boyfriend.
HOOPER
Well.. no.
HOLDEN
Then what’s to know?
Holden exits; They watch him go. Banky looks around.
BANKY
There’re a lot of chicks in this
place.
HOOPER
‘Chicks’. You’re such a man.
BANKY
(beat)
He didn’t really say that about my
dick, did he!
ON THE DANCE FLOOR - Holden slips into the crowd and
dances up to Alyssa. He intentionally bumps into her.
HOLDEN
(fake rage, dancing)
Hey, hey, hey - you fucked up my
cabbage-patch!
ALYSSA
Well, well, well - Bluntman himself.
Or should I call you Chronic!
HOLDEN
Call me flattered. I heard you sent
me the invite to this little soiree’.
ALYSSA
From a former home-town girl, to
Mister Home-Town himself.
HOLDEN
You’re saying you’re from the ‘burbs!
ALYSSA
Middletown, N.J.
HOLDEN
Get out of here! I’m from Highlands!
ALYSSA
I know. Hooper told me.
HOLDEN
How is it that we never ran into one
another?
ALYSSA
You graduate from Hudson?
HOLDEN
Yeah. Eighty eight.
ALYSSA
I went to North. Also eighty eight.
HOLDEN
What a small fucking world. So you
know the tri-town area!
ALYSSA
Quiz me.
HOLDEN
Miller Hill?
ALYSSA
I wrote my name on the wall.
HOLDEN
Sandy Hook?
ALYSSA
Lost my virginity there.
HOLDEN
This is so cool. The mall!
ALYSSA
Eden Prairie of Menlo Park!
HOLDEN
Wait - here’s the big test: Quick
Stop!
ALYSSA
My best friend fucked a dead guy in
the back room.
HOLDEN
You know that girl!!
ALYSSA
I did. Before she was committed.
HOLDEN
You know what this is! This is fate.
ALYSSA
(regarding her move)
No, this is the ‘Rog’.
HOLDEN
I was talking about us meeting - what
are the chances!
ALYSSA
Pretty slim. I haven’t been back to
the ‘burbs since my friend’s funeral.
HOLDEN
The Quick Stop girl died!
ALYSSA
Another friend - Julie Dwyer. She
died in the..
HOLDEN
Y.M.C.A pool! Damn! You knew her
too!
ALYSSA
So well.
HOLDEN
One friend in an asylum, the other
friend in the grave. You’re a
dangerous person to know.
ALYSSA
But I can tap.
(does an impromptu tap dance)
That was the Buffalo Two-Step.
HOLDEN
Very solid.
ALYSSA
That’s what six years of tap lessons
yields.
HOLDEN
Two towns away from each other for
years and we had to meet in New York.
The Sand stops playing. People clap.
ALYSSA
Coulda been worse - we could have not
met at all.
Holden looks at her.
OC SINGER
Thank you. Thanks.
The SINGER on stage speaks into the microphone.
SINGER
A long time ago, we used to have this
bass player who took off one day to
draw funny books or something. Maybe
you’ve seen her stuff - it’s called
‘Idiosyncratic Routine’’
The crowd applauds. Alyssa shakes her head, smiling.
Holden pokes her.
SINGER
But what a lot of people don’t know is
that she used to harbor these
delusions that she could sing. And
she used to subject us to these
throaty renditions of Debbie Gibson
tunes and shit, insisting that we let
her front on a few numbers. Well, we
didn’t and she quit.. and then she got
famous, the bitch.
(crowd laughs)
But she’s here tonight, and I think if
we all begged, or maybe offered her
some X, she’d get up here and treat us
to some of her vocal stylings.
(crowd applauds)
What do you say, Alyssa?
Alyssa shakes her head no. The crowd urges her. Holden
pushes her forward.
SINGER
She’s shy.
(yelling)
GET UP HERE AND SING, BITCH!!
The crowd thunders. Alyssa offers the Singer an
embarrassed half-smile. She looks at Holden, who claps
along with the others and nods toward the stage. Alyssa
shakes her head and relents, heading through the crowd
Banky and Hooper stand at the bar.
BANKY
This is so queer.
(he exits)
HOOPER
(beat)
You don’t know the half of it.
Alyssa jumps on stage, hugging the Singer. She takes the
mic, shaking her head. The crowd is applauding.
ALYSSA
She is such a twat.
The crowd cheers. Alyssa laughs. She turns to the band
and says something which they nod. She turns back to the
crowd.
ALYSSA
Alright. I should dedicate this,
right?
(thinks)
This is for that special someone our
there.
Holden smiles. Banky joins him. Holden glances at him.
Banky offers a mocking mimic of his smile.
The band starts playing. Cross cutting begins.
Alyssa launches into a torchy tune. The song is
extremely sexy - as is Alyssa who works the mic, making
direct eye contact with...
Holden. Or does she! Holden is smiling, being seduced,
Banky rolls his eyes. Beside Holden, stands a pretty
GIRL with a short haircut, who’s also riveted by Alyssa’s
performance.
Alyssa makes big-time eye contact with somebody out
there.
The song seems to be aimed at whoever she’s looking at.
It’s more than obvious there’s a seduction going on, bur
of whom! At the end of the song, the crowd goes wild but
Alyssa’s preoccupied. She points to someone in the
crowd, and curls her finger back in a ‘c’mere’ fashion,
urging whoever it is to join her. She jumps off the
stage.
Holden shakes his head sheepishly and looks downward, aw-
shucks style. At that moment, the Girl beside him leaps
forward. Banky’s eyes widen. Holden looks up and is
suddenly taken aback.
Alyssa and the Girl race into each other’s arms and fall
into a way-to-passionate-to-mean-anything-else kiss.
Holden’s eyes bug. Banky allows a smile to creep across
his face. The crowd applauds. Banky looks around, and
for the first time, we get the distinct impression that
this is a lesbian bar...
There are a lot of chicks in this place. Gay chicks.
Banky looks at Holden and slaps him on the back.
BANKY
Now that, my friend, is a..
(brings his fingers together,
mimicing Holden)
...shared moment
Holden continues to stare - mouth agape.
Alyssa and the Girl continue to kiss.
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