CHASING AMY - Kevin Smith
INT. HER-STERECTOMY - LATER
Banky, Holden, Alyssa and the Girl from the dance floor
sit around a table. Alyssa and the Girl continue to make
out. Holden and Banky casually watch, wide-eyed. Banky
stares a little harder. Holden hits him.
BANKY
What?!
HOLDEN
(under his breath)
That’s rude.
BANKY
Man, when are we ever going to get a
chance to see this kind of shit live
without paying for it?
Alyssa and the Girl break their kiss.
ALYSSA
Uh-oh - better knock it off: we’re
getting a man excited.
HOLDEN
Sorry. It’s just... new to him.
BANKY
Oh, and you’re an old hand at this.
ALYSSA
No, I should apologize. I don’t
usually get all mushy in public. But
it’s been awhile since I’ve seen Kim
here.
KIM
(formerly the Girl)
Tell me you didn’t set that gross
display up with the band just so you
could nail me.
ALYSSA
Like I’d have to go through that much
effort
KIM
You know what! I want to dance.
ALYSSA
Go ahead. I’ll watch from here.
KIM
(tugging at her arm)
No. I want to dance with you.
ALYSSA
Don’t be such a rag. I have to sit
here and work up the desire to fuck
you later.
KIM
Please.
Kim exits. Banky is smiling ear-to-ear. Alyssa looks at
him.
ALYSSA
Yes?
BANKY
You said ‘fuck’. To that girl. You
said you’d ‘fuck’ her.
ALYSSA
And?
BANKY
How can a girl ‘fuck’ another girl!
Were you talking about strap-ons or
something?
HOLDEN
(hits him)
Would you shut up!!
BANKY
What!!? It’s a valid question. You
know the dyke stuff in the Penthouse
Letters section is written by guys -
this is our chance to get the inside
scoop.
HOLDEN
(to Alyssa)
I don’t know how many times I can
apologize for him.
ALYSSA
It’s okay. Secretly, all I really
want is to be the center of attention.
(to Banky)
I’ve never used a snap-on.
BANKY
Then what’s with saying ‘fuck?
Shouldn’t you say ‘eat her out’ or at
least modify the term ‘fuck’ with
something like ‘fist’?
ALYSSA
Let me ask you a question - can men
‘fuck’ each other!
BANKY
Ask Hooper.
ALYSSA
In your estimation.
BANKY
Sure.
ALYSSA
So for you, to ‘fuck’ means to
penetrate. You’re used to the more
traditional definition - you inside
some girl you’ve duped, jack-hammering
away, not noticing that bored look in
her eyes.
BANKY
Hey - I always notice the bored look
in their eyes.
ALYSSA
(laughs)
‘Fucking’ is nor limited to
penetration, Banky. For me it
describes any sex when it’s not
totally about love. I don’t love Kim,
but I’ll fuck her. I’m sure you don’t
love every girl you sleep with.
BANKY
Some of them I downright loathe.
ALYSSA
But I’ll bet it’s different with the
ones you love. I’ll bet you go the
full nine when it’s not just a quick
fix - like you go down on them longer
or something.
HOLDEN
Here we go.
BANKY
I don’t do that.
ALYSSA
What?!?!
BANKY
I stopped dropping. It got to be too
frustrating.
HOLDEN
As stupid as you usually come off
during this diatribe of your’s, you’re
going to come off ten times as stupid
on this occasion.
BANKY
What?! I lost my tolerance for the
bullshit baggage that comes with
eating girls out. What’s the big
deal?!
ALYSSA
If you say the smell, so help me, I’ll
slug you.
BANKY
Not the smell - the smell is good.
I’m talking about not being able to do
it property. And my mother brought me
up to believe that if I can’t do
something
right I shouldn’t do it at all. Of
course, my father told me she gave
lousy head, but that’s beside the
point.
ALYSSA
At least you blame yourself for your
sexual inadequacies.
BANKY
No, I blame them. Chicks never help
you out. They never tell you what to
do. And most of them are self-
conscious about that smell factor, and
so most of the time they just lay
there, frozen like a deer in the
headlights, right? Not for nothing,
but when a chick goes down on me. I
let her know where to go, and what the
status is. You gotta handle it like
CNN and the Weather Channel - constant
updates.
HOLDEN
You’re such an idiot.
ALYSSA
No, he’s got a point. That’s how I
was in high school - I was nervous,
and inhibited about being eaten out.
But by the time I got to college, that
all changed. I loosened up. Not only
did I learn to communicate - I learned
to be bossy.
I was like one of those guys at the
airport with those big flash lights -
waving them this way, directing them
that way, telling them when to stop.
BANKY
And that’s all I’m saying, it’d be
different if chicks helped out -
pointed a guy in the right direction.
Then there’d be no bullshit, no wasted
time, and no chance for permanent
injuries.
ALYSSA
Permanent injuries?
BANKY
Sure. You wanna see something
permanent!
(pulls our front tooth)
I got this from Nina Rollins,
sophomore year. I’m going down on
her, and out of nowhere, her cat jumps
on her stomach. She does this big ol’
pelvic thrust - cracks my tooth in
half, sends it down my throat. I had
to get a crown for the stub.
ALYSSA
(to Holden)
I got that beat.
(to Banky)
I got that beat.
(half-turns and lifts chin)
Sophomore year. I’m going down on
Cynthia Slater in her dorm room after
we went club-hopping. I’m totally
drunk, and in the middle of it, I fall
asleep - right there in her lap. She
got so mad, she digs her heel into my
back, right there.
(points to scar)
That’s permanent.
BANKY
You see this!
(moves neck slightly right)
That’s the farthest I can move my neck
to the right Sophomore year, I’m going
out with Maria Bennert, and for six
months, I’m going down on her, and not
a damn thing’s happening.
Then one night, I change a position,
or vary my lapping-speed, and suddenly
it’s a whole new world. She’s moving
around, convulsing, breathing heavy.
And her legs are pressing against my
ears so tightly that I don’t hear her
father come into the room. He grabs
my hair...
(grabs his own hair and pulls
back)
...and he pulls me way back, hard.
ALYSSA
(throws up her leg, and rolls
up pants)
Senior year. Spring Formal. I’m
eating our Missy Kurt in her brother’s
car. She’s laying across the back
seat, and I’m half-hanging out of the
car, my knees on the ground. She’s
flailing around, and she knocks the
parking brake off. The car starts
rolling down the hill, and my right
knee is cut up all to shit like a
kiddy’s scissor class cut it up for
paper dolls.
Banky and Alyssa laugh. Holden looks at a small scar on
his arm and thinks better about mentioning it. Then Kim
re-enters and plants a big kiss on Alyssa’s neck.
HOLDEN
(off Banky’s watch)
Holy shit, is that the time. We’ve
gotta beat traffic.
BANKY
What traffic - it’s one thirty in the
morning!
HOLDEN
(getting up)
And rush hour starts in six hours.
Let’s go.
(to Alyssa)
Thanks for inviting us out. It was...
educational.
Alyssa waves at him as he exits. Banky slides out of the
booth.
BANKY
(to Kim)
Since you like chicks, right..
do you just look at yourself in the
mirror all the time?
Holden reaches in and pulls Banky out. Alyssa watches
them go, then turns and kisses Kim.
INT. M-TV EXEC’S OFFICE WAITING ROOM - DAY
Holden looks preoccupied. Banky flips through magazines,
biting off mini pieces of the gum he’s chewing. He
sticks them between pages, presses the mag closed, picks
up another one and then repeats the whole process. A
Receptionist types.
BANKY
(off Holden’s look)
You’re still dwelling on the dyke,
aren’t you?
HOLDEN
Lower your voice.
BANKY
What’d I tell you - she just needs the
right guy. All every woman really
wants - be it mother, senator, nun -
is some serious deep-dicking.
The Receptionist stops typing and looks at Banky,
shocked.
BANKY
(off her look)
Don’t give me that look - I heard Adam
Curry say worse.
The Secretary goes back to typing. Banky shrugs at
Holden.
BANKY
That’s why I can’t buy lesbians.
Everyone needs dick. See, I can buy
fags. Bunch of guys that need dick -
just plain need it? That I get.
Dykes? Bullshit posturing. But -
live and let live, I guess.
HOLDEN
I’m sure the gay community appreciates
your support.
JOHN SLOSS, the boy’s lawyer, joins them.
SLOSS
Please tell me you haven’t blown this
deal already.
BANKY
Sloss like a mother fucker.
(slaps his hand)
SLOSS
Hey, every mother but your’s - a
shyster’s gotta have his standards.
Shall we?
INT. M-TV EXEC’S OFFICE - DAY
The EXECS are a casual couple of guys, sitting on couches
across from our trio.
EXEC 1
We just want to start off by saying
that it’s a pleasure to finally meet
you. While it’s been - shall we say -
an experience dealing with Sloss here,
one of the main reasons we started
this whole thing was to meet the guys
that do ‘Bluntman and Chronic’.
EXEC 2
(points at them)
‘Snootchie Bootchies’.
The Execs and Sloss laugh. Holden and Banky politely
join in. Banky shoots Holden a ‘these guys are idiots’
look.
EXEC 1
Which brings us to our proposal: we
are extremely interested in doing
twelve, half-hour ‘Bluntman and
Chronic’ cartoons. The age of Beavis
is coming to a close, and we’re
looking for something... something...
BANKY
Even more retarded and juvenile to
sate the voracious, intellectually-
challenged miscreants that make up
your key demographic.
The Execs laugh hard. Sloss secretly shrugs to Banky and
gives the thumbs up.
EXEC 1
(composes himself)
So what do you say! Are we in
business!
Banky leans back into the couch, wearing a thoughtful
face. He looks to Holden, then to Sloss. Sloss nods in
understanding.
SLOSS
Jim, Sean - could we have a few
minutes!
EXEC 2
(looks to Exec 1)
Uh... absolutely. We’ll just..
EXEC 1
Uh...wait outside
The Exec’s smile and head our, closing the door behind
then. Sloss turns to Banky.
SLOSS
So? Did I do good?
BANKY
You did better - you sold us out!
They clasp hands and quietly explode in ebullience.
SLOSS
Do you know how much you’ll make on
merchandising alone!
BANKY
(as Simon Bar Sinister)
Money and Power, and Money and
Power...
SLOSS
(joins in)
Money dnd Power, and Money and...
HOLDEN
(interrupting)
I don’t think it’s a good idea.
Banky and Sloss freeze. They stare at Holden.
BANKY
What’s not a good idea! Please don’t
say the cartoon, please don’t say the
cartoon...
HOLDEN
The cartoon.
SLOSS
What?!? Are you out of your fucking
mind!
BANKY
(getting up)
John, let me handle this.
( to Holden)
You are out of your fucking mind,
aren’t you!
HOLDEN
Is this how you want to be remembered!
As the guy who created Bluntman and
Chronic!
Banky sits at the Exec’s desk and starts rifling through
the guy’s stuff.
BANKY
No, I’d like to be remembered as the
filthy rich guy who created Bluntman
and Chronic.
HOLDEN
But it’ll be all glossy and main-
stream. We’ll lose any artistic
credibility we ever had.
SLOSS
(to Banky)
Is it me! I don’t see the problem.
BANKY
(to Sloss)
He just has to get over this crush of
his.
SLOSS
Oh God - not on Carrie Fisher again!
(to Holden)
Holden - she’s not really a Princess.
BANKY
(opening drawer with a letter
opener)
Not on her; on Alyssa Jones - the
chick that does that comic book
‘Idiosyncratic Routine’. You ever
seen it?
SLOSS
Please. Like I even read your comic,
let alone anyone else’s,
(to Holden)
I’m not limited to offering you legal
counsel only, my friend. I’m also
learned in the ways of the heart, and
can offer you this advice - nail her,
get it out of your system, and move
on. Like we say at Sloss Law - good
fences make good neighbors.
BANKY
She’d never let him in her yard. The
chick’s gay.
SLOSS
(laughing)
She’s gay? You fell for a gay, comic-
book writing chick? Holden, you poor,
poor man!
(beat)
Wait a sec - does she have
representation!
BANKY
Always working, you.
(holds up a Polaroid of a
naked woman)
Look at this - Mrs. M-TV Exec has a
string of pearls hanging our of her
ass,
SLOSS
Would you leave his stuff alone!
(to Holden)
You can break her resolve, killer.
All it takes is one good man. But if
it takes two good men, don’t hesitate
to call me. That being said, in
regards to the more pressing issue, I
suggest you leave art to the museums
and grab on with both hands to the
big, fat check.
HOLDEN
I’ll give it some thought
BANKY
(holding up Polaroid)
I’m taking this as a precaution - just
in case they give us any shit about
pussy’s decision delay.
(glaring at Holden)
You’ll ‘give it some thought’. You’re
so retarded
HOLDEN
I’m retarded! This from the guy who
only forty five minutes ago paid fifty
bucks for what’s supposed to be a boot-
leg of ‘March of the Wooden Soldiers’
with a deleted scene of Stan Laurel
wearing a French Tickler.
SLOSS
How’d you fall for that!
BANKY
The guy who sold it to me had an
honest face.
INT. STUDIO - DAY
There is a door. There’s a knock at the door. Holden
opens it and Alyssa is standing there.
ALYSSA
Somebody told me that they make comic
books here, and I’ve got an idea for
this story about a guy who comes to a
club and high-tails it when he finds
out this girl is pay. Any interest in
a story like that!
Holden smiles.
EXT. RIVERFRONT PARK - DAY
Alyssa and Holden walk through the park, eating hot dogs.
ALYSSA
M-TV?
HOLDEN
Twelve episodes.
ALYSSA
That’s great, isn’t it?
HOLDEN
Banky seems to think so.
ALYSSA
But you don’t.
They come to a swing set and sit down on the swings.
HOLDEN
I don’t know if that’s the perception
I want people to have of our stuff. I
know this sounds pretentious as hell,
but I like to think of us as artists.
And I’d like to get back to doing
something more personal - like our
first book.
ALYSSA
Well when are you going to do that?
HOLDEN
(beat)
As soon as we have something personal
to say.
ALYSSA
Do you know how pretty you are?
HOLDEN
What?
ALYSSA
You’re a pretty man.
HOLDEN
Uh... thanks.
ALYSSA
Oh. I get it. I’m into girls, so I
have to find all men repulsive or
something.
HOLDEN
I didn’t say anything.
ALYSSA
Aren’t there some men that you find
attractive? Granted, not enough to
sleep with, but still - just handsome
or something!
HOLDEN
Sure. Harrison Ford. And our mail-
man.
ALYSSA
Well it’s the same thing. I look at
you and just find you really handsome.
And you know, it has very little to do
with your look, per-se. Your look is
fine, don’t get me wrong. But it’s
more your outlook. The things you
say, the way you see things. It’s...
I don’t know... attractive,
Holden looks away, embarrassed,
ALYSSA
I weirded you our the other night
HOLDEN
Huh! No, not really.
ALYSSA
Come on.
HOLDEN
(beat)
It’s just that we’ve.., I mean, I’ve
never seen that kind of thing up close
and personal. It just took awhile to
process, longer than usual.
ALYSSA
Do you want to talk about it!
HOLDEN
Um. If you want to.
ALYSSA
I like you. I haven’t liked a man in
a long time. And I’m not a man-hater
or something. It’s just been some
time since I’ve been exposed to a man
that didn’t immediately live-into a
stereotype of some sort. And I want
you to feel comfortable with me,
because I want us to be friends. So
if there are things you’d like to
know, it’s okay to ask me.
HOLDEN
(beat)
Why girls?
ALYSSA
(beat)
Why men?
HOLDEN
Because that’s the standard
ALYSSA
If that’s the only reason you’re
attracted to women - because it’s the
standard..
HOLDEN
It’s more than that.
ALYSSA
So you’ve never been curious about
men?
HOLDEN
Curious about men? Well... I always
wondered why my father watched ‘Hee-
Haw’.
ALYSSA
You know what I mean.
HOLDEN
No.
ALYSSA
Why not!
HOLDEN
No interest.
ALYSSA
Because...?
HOLDEN
Girls feel right.
ALYSSA
And that’s how I feel. I’ve never
really been attracted to men. I’m
more comfortable with the idea of
girls.
HOLDEN
Wait, wait, wait - you’re still a
virgin?
ALYSSA
No.
HOLDEN
But you’ve only been with girls.
ALYSSA
You’re saying a person’s a virgin
until they’ve had intercourse with a
member of the opposite sex?
HOLDEN
Isn’t that the standard definition?
ALYSSA
Again with the standards. I think
virginity is lost when you make love
for the first time.
HOLDEN
With a member of the opposite sex.
ALYSSA
Why? Why only then?
HOLDEN
Because that’s the standard.
ALYSSA
So if a virgin is raped, then she’s
still a virgin?
HOLDEN
Of course not.
ALYSSA
But rape is not the standard. So
she’s had sex, but not the standard
idea of sex. Hence, according to
your definition, she’d still be a
virgin.
HOLDEN
Okay, I’ll revise. Virginity is lost
when the hymen is broken.
ALYSSA
Then I lost my virginity at ten,
because I fell on a fence post when I
was ten, and it broke my hymen. Now I
have to tell people that I lost it to
a wooden post I’d known my whole young
life?
HOLDEN
Second revision - virginity is lost
through penetration.
ALYSSA
Physical penetration or emotional?
HOLDEN
Emotional?
ALYSSA
Well, I fell in love hard with Caitlin
Bree when we were in high school.
HOLDEN
Physical penetration.
ALYSSA
We had sex.
HOLDEN
Yeah, but not real sex.
ALYSSA
I move to have that remark stricken
from the record. On account of it
makes you come off as completely naive
and infantile.
HOLDEN
Well where’s the penetration in
lesbian sex.
Alyssa holds up her hand.
HOLDEN
A finger? Come on. I’ve had my
finger in my ass but I wouldn’t say
I’ve had anal sex.
ALYSSA
Did I hold up a finger?
(waves her hand)
HOLDEN
(beat; then he gets it)
You’re kidding?!?!
(she nods)
How...?!?
ALYSSA
Our bodies are built to pass a child,
for Christ’s sake.
HOLDEN
But doesn’t it hurt?!
ALYSSA
Sure. But in a good way. And it’s
only a once-in-awhile thing - reserved
for really special occasions.
HOLDEN
What about not-so-special occasions?
ALYSSA
Tongue only.
HOLDEN
But how can that be enough? I mean,
let’s be real - how big can a tongue
even get?
Alyssa swallows what she’s chewing and releases her
tongue, which is just huge. Holden is transfixed.
Alyssa wraps it back up and smiles, standing.
ALYSSA
Let’s go.
She exits. Holden remains in the swing. Alyssa comes
back in.
