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Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?
A: God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin there.
Americans vs. Russians
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realised that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever country's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing country would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after 5 years came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the dachshund came out of his cage and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of his cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.
"Really", the Americans replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
God Creates Canada
God was talking to an angel, describing his latest creation.
"I'm going to create a country called Canada. It will be the most beautiful land on earth. The ground will be fertile and rich, the
mountains majestic and grand, the rivers powerful and beautiful. The people living there will be intelligent and hard working.
They will contribute some of the greatest discoveries and their knowledge and avant-guard way of thinking will benefit the entire
world. They will also be known as the friendliest people on earth."
The angel said, "Aren't you being too generous to these Canadians?"
To this, God answered, "Not really, beacause I'm going to give them these neighbours, see..."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"
This is a true story. Keep that in mind
Actual Article from the L.A. Times ! !
"In retrospect, lightning the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil, " Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in "he explained." As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" , my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
Editors note: The ten most scary things about this story:
10. " I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum.."
9. "So I peered into the tube.." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare into the sun).
8. That poor gerbil being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I am just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.
6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken into the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniacal, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
4 "First and second degree burns to the anus", Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of haemorrhoids a welcome relief? Hoe does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic White men who insert rodents up their butts !"
2. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I am getting a whole new image of the Osmond family.
Presidents
Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on the Titanic. On that fateful night the ship hit an iceberg and began
to sink...
Ford screamed, "What should we do?"
Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats."
Carter said, "Women and children first."
Nixon said, "Screw the women and children."
Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"
The Rabbit
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. Separately, he releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
