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A drunk walks into an elevator, but there is no elevator there, and he falls five stories down.
He lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, "Dammit, I said UP."
Generous Drunk
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "No way! You get violent when you drink."
Irishman
An Irishmen walked into a bar and ordered three different drinks in three different glasses. He walked to a table, sat down, and began to drink each drink one at a time. When he was finished he went up to get three more.
The Bartender said, "Why do you get three different drinks? It would be a lot easier for me to mix them."
The Irishman said, "When my two brothers moved away we all promised that every day we would drink each others favourite drink."
The bartender said, "That's very cool."
So the Irishmen did this for a number of years. But one day he walked in and only ordered two drinks. Everybody looked up and bowed their head. When the Irishmen walked up to the bartender the bartender said, "I am so sorry about your brother."
The Irishmen looked at him funny and said, "Oh No, everybody's all right it's just that I stopped drinking."
