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It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"
At about 3:00, a plane took off for New York. On the plane there was a pilot, boy scout, priest, and the smartest man in the world. All of a sudden the engine blows up and the plane starts going down. The people are startled and start looking for the parachutes. They find them but there are only 3 parachutes. The pilot takes one and says 'This is my plane so I get a parachute.' And then jumps out the door. The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, 'I'm the smartest man in the world and the they will need me down there' And then jumps out the door. The priest goes and grabs the last parachute and says, 'I need to spread my wisdom around the world. Sorry kid.' Then the boy scout all the sudden speaks up and says, 'No...Thats okay. The smartest man in the world just took my nap sack!'
Ladas
Man goes into a garage, and asks:
"Can I have a windscreen wiper for my Lada?"
To which the garage attendant replies:
"Yeah, OK. Sounds like a fair exchange to me!"
Q. How do you double the value of a Lada?
A. Fill it with gas
Q. How do you get a Lada to accelerate from 0-100 km/h in under 5 seconds?
A. Just push it off a high cliff.
Q. What's the difference between a Lada and a sheep?
A. You're not embarrassed to been seen getting out of the back of a sheep!
Q. What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
A. The bus and train timetables.
Q. What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A. A bloody miracle.
Q. What is a Lada drivers wildest dream?
A. Getting caught for speeding...
A man is sitting next to a woman in a bar. He turns to her and asks, "If I gave you a
million dollars, would you have sex with me?" The woman thought for a moment
and replied, "Yes".
Next the man asked, "How about sex for Twenty dollars?"
The woman, angered by this, replied, "Not a chance, do you think that I'm a whore?"
The man replied, "We've already determined that, now we're negotiating the price."
The teacher said to young Johnny, "If there were three birds sitting on a wall, and the farmer shot one of them, how many
would be left?"
"Well," said Johnny, "there would be none left because the sound of the farmer's gun would have frightened
the others away."
"That's not the answer I was looking for, as we're doing subtraction today," said the teacher, but I like the
way you're thinking!"
"I have a question for you Miss," said Johnny, the next day. "If three women were walking down the
road, one licking an ice lolly, one sucking an ice lolly and one biting an ice lolly, which of the three was the married woman?"
"I think it would be the one sucking the ice lolly" said the teacher.
"You would be wrong Miss" said Johnny. "It's the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Preacher Seminar
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the
speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached
the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life
were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!".
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon.
As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in
his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he said
loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that
was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and
I can't remember who she was!"
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download."
Observation
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid and said, "This is
urine. To be a good doctor, you have to be observant to the things around u; for example: colour, smell, sight and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, but mostly, in
disgust. But being the students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then
put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant enough, you would have noticed
that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Duck
A duck walks into a shop and says "Have you got any nails?"
The shopkeeper says, "No"
The next day, the duck comes back and asks, "Got any nails?"
The shopkeeper, looking frustrated, says "NO!"
So the duck comes back again the next day and asks, "Got any nails?"
The shopkeeper says, "If you say that again, I'll hit you with my hammer"
So of course the duck comes back the next day, but this time asks, "Got a hammer?"
The shopkeeper says, "no"
Then the duck asks, "Got any nails?"
Bills
A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, "I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really really curious... What does Hell look like?"
So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, "I'll tell you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me."
And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, "Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator."
"Thank you", replied the man who climbed into the elevator and hit the button for the lowest floor.
After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven.
After returing to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and said, "I'm ready to enter into Heaven now, but before I do I have just one more question."
"Go ahead", replied Saint Peter, and so the man asked, "I thought Hell would be fire and brimestone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?"
Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered, "Snow and ice, huh? I guess the Buffalo Bills finally won the Super Bowl."
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
