Copyright 2000 --- Robert Baer Jr. The Space Rovers -- "Advice For The Lovelorn" DISCLAIMER Road Rovers characters, names, situations and the Road Rovers universe are the property of Warner Bros. I, nor this script/story are connected with Warner Bros. in any way, shape or form. This document may not be publicized or reproduced in any way, shape or form. It must remain fully intact and may not be altered in anyway. It is strictly used for not-for-profit entertainment purposes only, and is not intended to infringe on any Copyrights. This story is written by Robert Baer Jr and the characters Otto, Starlight, Fydo, Boomer, Rasputin, Saundra, Alexander, Grunt, Daisy, Abdullah, Bob, Cactus Jake, Marie, Francis, Calypso, Sheena, Bruno, Molly, Deborah, Orchid, Porta, Dot, Luigi, Sophia, Willfong, Lao Zi, Su Li, Claudia, Sno-wie, Numbia, Hojo, Shamansta, Derby and Poncho are all Robert Baer Jr's creations, copyright pending, 1999 - 2000. Kenai is a creation of Patrick Wood, Cobber and Deon are creations of Mike Browner. Mystic McLab and Blade are creations of Bart Walls The Space Rovers -- "Advice For The Lovelorn" The scene is the lounge area of the Canius Minor, many members of the crew are relaxing after their duty shifts have ended. Among those seated at a table together are Orchid, Hojo, Kenai, Rasputin and Sheena. RASPUTIN (looks at Kenai): So, Kenai. How did you like your first day as a Space Rover? KENAI (smiles): It's like a dream come true for me! ORCHID (giggles): Even after Grunt gave you a hard time this morning? KENAI (nods): Well, I know he's strict, but that's ok. He is in charge of this ship's security and is very passionate about his job. HOJO (points): That's not the ONLY thing he's passionate about... SHEENA (smiles): Yes, the way he and the Captain sit together like that.... reminds me of when my Cobber was assigned to the ship and .... (sadly): I miss him so much.... (crying): COBBER!!!!!!!!!!! RASPUTIN (stares at Hojo): Way to go, Hojo! HOJO (shocked): Hey, I didn't mean to .... As Sheena sits sobbing, Deon runs into the lounge and over to where she's sitting DION (concerned): Mommy? Why are you crying? SHEENA (looks up at Dion): Oh Dion, I'm sorry. I was thinking about Cobber... er... your father .... DION (concerned): Does the Cobber of THIS universe know about me yet? SHEENA (nods): He's been told, and he looks forward to meeting you on our next shore leave on Earth DION (concerned): How did he take the news? SHEENA (smiles); Well, to say the least he was surprised. But after the initial shock wore off, he was fine DION (smiles): When I'm sad, a hug helps me feel better... Sheena smiles at Dion as they exchange a warm, gentle hug. Meahwhile, at another table Persia and Grunt are having a quiet dinner alone. PERSIA (smiles): Oh Grunt, isn't this Beef Wellington excellent tonight? GRUNT (nods): GRRRRRRRRRRRR GROWL!!! PERSIA (smiles): Looks like you and I are quite a famous couple now! Kenai asked me about ... er .. well.... GRUNT (smiles): GRRRRRRRRRRR GROWL GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR? PERSIA (shyly): Well, yes. She did ask me if you and I were going to get married Grunt takes Persia by the hand and smiles warmly. As the two Space Rovers move closer together to kiss, suddenly... MYSTIC McLAB (appearing out of nowhere): Captain! There you are! I need your help!! PERSIA (shocked, turns head in her direction): MYSTIC!!! GRUNT (turns head in her direction, draws laser pistol): GRRRRRRRRRRRRR GROWL!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! MYSTIC (raises hands up over her head): Hold on, big guy! I come in peace, please Captain, call him off! PERSIA (sternly): I can sense you are telling me the truth, Mystic. (turns to Grunt): Put away the weapon, honey.. GRUNT (shakes head): GRRRRRRRRRRR!!! PERSIA (sternly): Do as I say, Commander! I am your superior officer.. Grunt then holsters his laser pistol as Mystic sits down at the table with them. MYSTIC (pleading): Look, I know I've done some bad things you and the Space Rovers in the past, but that's all changed now! (dreamily): Now since I've met... HIM!!! GRUNT (confused): GRRRRRRRRRRR??? MYSTIC (angry): Since I met Blade, you muscle bound moron! (softens): Er... sorry Grunt, I apologize... some habits die hard.. PERSIA (nods): I see! You are in love, aren't you? MYSTIC (dreamily): Yes! For the first time in centuries, I'm madly in love, and I need your help, Captain! PERSIA (smiles): You need tips on romance, don't you? MYSTIC (nods): You read my mind, didn't you? PERSIA (shakes head): I didn't have to. I can tell by the look in your eyes! MYSTIC (begging): PLEASE Captain, will you help me? I PROMISE I'll never bother you or your crew ever again if you do! PERSIA (nods): Ok, I accept your terms! We'll go to my office, I have Commander Whitey join us there. A few minutes later, Mystic, Grunt and Persia are sitting in her office. Whitey enters the room. WHITEY (sternly): I got your call and ... (shocked, pulls out laser pistol): CAPTAIN, DUCK DOWN!! PERSIA (shouts): HOLSTER YOUR WEAPON WHITEY!!! THAT'S AN ORDER!! WHITEY (holsters it, bewildered): Captain... I do not understand... PERSIA (calmly): It's simple Commander. In exchange for us teaching Mystic how to behave on a date, she has agreed to leave us alone, forever. WHITEY (shocked): A date? Who would be insane enough to ... MYSTIC (points at him): Watch it, Whitey, or I'll make Sno-wie a widow! PERSIA (stands between them): Enough! In order to get what each of us wants, we have to cooperate. Whitey, you are going to pretend to be Mystic's boyfriend for demonstration purposes. (shocked): I read those thoughts, Commander! That's an order! MYSTIC (takes Whitey by the hand): C'mon Whitey, it'll be fun! WHITEY (sternly): That is the last word I would choose to describe this experience. PERSIA (smiles): Ok, first Grunt and I will show you some simple techniques when dining out. Persia and Grunt sit together at a table. GRUNT (playing the role): GRRRRRRRRRRRR GROWL?? PERSIA (nods): Yes, I would like to order now. GRUNT (smiles): GRRRRRRRRR GROWL GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! PERSIA (smiles): Why, thank you Grunt! (turns to Mystic): Notice how well I took his compliment about my clothes. MYSTIC (confused): But your not wearing a dress right now, you're both in your uniforms! PERSIA (smiles): We're only pretending, Mystic MYSTIC (stands up): Captain, if you don't mind, I'd like to add some realism to this class. Mystic waves her arms, transforming Persia's office into a elegant French restraunt. Persia is now wearing a white evening gown, Grunt and Whitey are now wearing tuxedos, Mystic is now wearing a black black minidress. A human waiter now walks over to Persia's table, Grunt orders the meal and the waiter returns to the kitchen. PERSIA (surprised): MYSTIC!!! What have you done? MYSTIC (smiles): Relax Captain. Once the lesson is over, I'll return everything to normal. C'mon, show me how to act! PERSIA (nods): Ok, listen carefully. While waiting on yoor order, engage your date in lively conversation. Talk about things that interest both you and him. Flatter each other, but don't go too far with it, if you do your date may feel that you're swallow or superficial, understand? MYSTIC (nods): Hey, it looks easy! Here, let me and Whitey take over! PERSIA (nods): Alright, if you feel you're ready... Persia and Grunt get up, Mystic and Whitey are now seated at their table. MYSTIC (happy): So, Whitey, tell me, how are things in outer space? WHITEY (uptight): Well... space is very black... with stars and planets and ... MYSTIC (points): That's a really great tux your wearing! It really makes you look ... stylish.. WHITEY (sternly): And may I say that you look very fashionable in that dress.. MYSTIC (angry, grabs Whitey by the collar); WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT, SLED DOG??? WERE YOU STARING AT MY LEGS???? HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! PERSIA (shouts); MYSTIC!! STOP!!! Whitey was only trying to compliment you! MYSTIC (shocked): Oh yeah... (puts him down): Sorry about that, I'm not used to people saying kind things about me.. WHITEY (sternly): I noticed that.... PERSIA (calmly): You'll have to control that temper of your if you're going to have a good time on your date. An outburst like that could cause your date to leave. WHITEY (smiles): Er... speaking of leaving... PERSIA (sternly): Request denied, Commander! Let's continue the simulation. (points): Here comes the waiter with your food. The waiter sits the food down on the table, Mystic proceeds to grab her steak with both hands and chew on it. PERSIA (calmly): Mystic, have you ever heard of table manners? MYSTIC (takes another bite): Yeah... I just don't use them.... PERSIA (sternly): Manners are very important on a date (points): Look at Whitey, he's using a knife and fork to cut his steak, doesn't that look neater? MYSTIC (nods): I guess you have a point, Captain. I'll get another steak, this one isn't done the way I want it. (shouts): HEY WAITER!! GET YOUR SORRY LITTLE BUTT BACK OVER HERE!!! PERSIA (shakes head): Mystic, that's no way to behave in a restraunt The waiter rushes over to their table, Mystic stands up and grabs him by the throat. MYSTIC (angry): THIS STEAK IS SO RAW IT COULD WALK OFF THE TABLE!! BRING ME ANOTHER ONE, AND THIS TIME COOK IT OR I'LL SEND YOU TO ANOTHER DIMENSION!!!! PERSIA (stands up): MYSTIC!! YOU'RE TEMPER!!! Haven't you learned anything? MYSTIC (nods): Oh yeah.. I forgot.... (still holding the frightened waiter); Please? She lets the waiter loose and sits back down. WHITEY (shakes head): Acting civilized will not be an easy task for you, will it? MYSTIC (pointing): I'm warning you, White Fang, no more remarks like that or I'll blow a hole in your ship! PERSIA (shocked): MYSTIC!!! MYSTIC (shrugs shoulders): Hey, I'm evil. That's the way it is. PERSIA (sadly): How do you expect for your date to react to your temper? MYSTIC (shakes fist): If he gives me any lip, I'll pound his face in! PERSIA (shakes head): Mystic, to have a true romantic relationship, each person must treat the other with kindness, gentleness and respect, understand? MYSTIC (smirks): Is that why you and the pit bull always act so 'lovey dovey' arounf each other? Oh PLEASE!!! GRUNT (nods): GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR GROWL!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! MYSTIC (shocked): What do you mean, 'that's what love's all about?' All that sweetness and cuteness? It goes against my principles! PERSIA (calmly): Would you rather be alone for the rest of eternity? How much do you love Blade? MYSTIC (smirks): You tell me, mind reader! PERSIA (shakes head): I know you care a great deal for him, but are you willing to change your ways to make him appeal more to you as a woman? MYSTIC (puzzled): Hmmmmmmmmmmm. That is an interesting question, Captain. I'll have to ponder it further. Mystic waves her arm, the office and their clothes are returned back to normal. MYSTIC (smiles at Persia): Captain, you've given me a lot of good advice and much to think about out. Thank you. Farewell. As Mystic disappers, Persia, Whitey and Grunt look at each other. PERSIA (wondering): I sure hope Mystic applies what she's learned here WHITEY (sternly): She has all the social graces of a wild boar! GRUNT (shakes head): GRRRRRRRRRRRRR GROWLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! WHITEY (nods): Er.. point well taken, Commander. I suppose if YOU can learn proper behavior, anyone can PERSIA (nods): I have to agree with Grunt on this one, if Mystic truly loves this Blade fellow, she'll adapt GRUNT (smiles): GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR GROWL!!!! WHITEY (sternly): You two seem optomistic, my prognosis is more pessimistic.. As Whitey leaves the room, Persia and Grunt look lovingly at each other. PERSIA (smiles): It was fun to be on a date again, wasn't it? GRUNT (nods): GRRRRRRRRRRRRR GROWL!! PERSIA (happy): You know, Commander, I am a bit hungry now, shall we go to the galley and finish our meal? Grunt nods, the two hold hands and walk out into the hallway. They turn to each other and share a long, passionate kiss. GRUNT (struggles to speak normally): GRUNT..... LOVE....... PER....SIA....... PERSIA (huge grin): And I love Grunt! They share another kiss and then walk towards the elevator. -------------------------------------------------------------------