|
|
|
| "The Truth is in here" |
 you do in fact have
stumpy sausage-like fingers and stunted arms? True that you regularly shave a male pattern baldness into your thick
lustrous head of hair to distract the duped public from the true "extent" of your dwarfism?
Also true that you have vigorously and overtly denied your true dwarf heritage and forsaken your freakish brethren?
Isn't it a fact that you have accepted roles for playing "normal men" in major motion picture releases like "Twins"
and not performed
in sideshows and bad heavy metal videos as the metaphor for the distorted vile little monsters present in all of us?
A fact that you played the title character in the heartwarming, yet creepy flick Simon Birch! A fact that you withdrew
your name from the Academy ballots each and every year because, on the off chance you secured the Oscar, the statuette
would tower above you and models would be forced to hold you by your midget elbows in order for you to croak
some meaningless midget drivel into the microphone.
Yes, Mr. Danny DeVito,
we know the score and we know the numbers, 4 foot 3 inches on a tall day, and we've measured you
up as a liar and a freaky little midget. We would also like you to inform you, Mr. Dwarfito, that we now represent the
Lollipop Guild, and we would like to welcome you to Munchkin Land.
| |
|
The Scoundrel recently sat down with official Hollywood Insider Jimmy Scoops for a tete a tete. -The Scoundrel: "Jimmy Scoops, as an official Hollywood Insider, to what do you attribute Jim Carrey's continued success in the movie biz despite his obvious lack of talent, ugliness, and irritating-as-a-chicken-pock-on-your-ass personality?" -Jimmy Scoops: "Blow jobs." -The Scoundrel:Jimmy Scoops, we've recieved reports that tap Nicholas Cage as Superman in the upcoming film of the same name, "Nicholas Cage as Superman". How did this devestating and awful miscast occur? -Jimmy Scoops:"Look, to understand this travesty is really to understand the Chris Reeves travesty. Remember, if you will, Chris Reeves in a non Superman role. Nope, I can't do it either, and I'm a Hollywood insider. But if you had seen such a movie you might say "Hey, look, Superman's in that film", and you would wonder where his hunky red trunks were. You'll understand, then that it was not his poor equestrian skills or his chronic crystal meth habit that sat him in that zippy little wheelchair. Nope, it was typecasting that threw him off the horse that day. -The Scoundrel:Gasp! No. -Jimmy Scoops:Yes! and as it turns out, it was his most brilliant career move. Who knew? Chris Reeves reinvented himself. Now he's the cripple first and a parapalegic Superman second. Brilliant really. This is exactly the kind of career redefinition Cage's manager is angling for. It's a simple marketing ploy that leads to all sorts of new scripts, medical merchandising deals, women. It's a real jumpstart for the fading leading man. -The Scoundrel:"Is Cage marketable as an invalid?" -Jimmy Scoops:"Hey, paralyzation is always a risky career move, but Chris Reeves was the first to take that leap and stay down swinging. You and I both know that Nick'll look hotter than Reeves in a wheelchair, but can I say difinitively Nick Cage will be "the wheelchair wonder" that Reeves is? No, I can't. Decapitation may not even save the poor bastards career. What I do know is this: Nick Cage is none too attractive with working arms and legs. And here's a tip friends, keep your eyes to the skies 'cause Mr. Cage has recently taken up nude hangliding and he's hellbent on a maiming. By the by, look for a revamped and hot hot hot Brandon Lee in the "Crow III: Lazarus ain't nuthin'" | Rest mouse pointer on pics for added insight! |
