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This weeks Beefs: A Double Beef Injection!
1.
I have had a problem recently in a subject matter that is a very sensitive
issue
for me and I don't know where I can turn.
I have a friend We'll call him (Dom),
and he is scaring me with the way he has been
acting lately. When we were
growing up as kids Dom was kind of Dorky and
didn't have much luck in the lady
department. This trend continued all the way
through high school and poor Dom
was very disappointed. However, when he started
college 9 years ago, he started
to undergo a transformation, which the rest
of us call puberty, and his actions
started to change drastically. Sudenly Dom
started a binge on the opposite sex,
at first I thought good for him he needeed
to get laid, but now it is out of
control. Dom has started to sleep with all
sorts of women and is quite
permiscuous as of these past 9 years. I am
worried that he might contract a
disease of some sort, or get some poor vulnerable
teeny-bopper pregnant. Is
there any way that I can stop Dom and his
whorish way of life.
Sincerely,
The Ho' Stopper
P.S. I would like to congratulate Dom on his
upcoming graduation in May 2003.
Dear
Big Beef, I have developed a problem. I have recently slept with
this gorgeous guy. At first he seemed so sweet. He was kind
of a loser in high school, a virgin for most of his life, so he lacked
the ego. And he was hung like a donkey (I've seen donkey dicks on
the internet). I thought he was Mr. Right. Let's just call
him "Dom". But anyway, now I heard he's getting laid all the time,
but he's supposed to be with me. Now I've started to itch down there
and I'm not sure what to do. I think I love him and his big ol' donkey
dick. If only the itching and burning would cease. Do
I ask him about his premiscuous ways? Help me, Beefy T. I heard you
know of such subjects. Oh, Dom!
Sincerely,
Itching and Burning in Montclair
Hank's got a big pile of advice just for the two of you!
Dear Ho-Stopper and Itching-in-Montclair,
You guys are not alone. I too,
know a guy in a similar situation. Loser in high school, virgin most of
his life, grew his hair down to his ass, and has herpes. Coincidentally,
his name rhymes with Dom. Anyway, Let's go over the facts. Fact,
he started college nine years ago. Fact, he hit puberty at 21 years
old. Fact, he is a whore.
When the story goes astray, however, is the
analogy to the donkey appendage. The donkey dong is over 1 1/2 feet
long. Were you looking at his pubis erectus, or a carefully constructed
dong made out of tube socks filled with rock salt? You see, Dom is
a woman dressed as a man. He kept this secret by posing as conservative
catholic school
student for many years. Actually, he,
which is really a she, is biologically named Heather Rubino.
Be on the look out for this criminal
by the alias, Dom Cadberry. He has been charged with an attempt to
whore and criminal possession of pelvis crabs. He is considered dangerous.
He will sleep with, and infect any living organism. It has been reported
that he may have tried to change his identity by cutting his hippy hair,
and impostering as an English major in Eastern New Jersey. This may
be your guy.
-Beefy B
And Now The Second Dose...
Dear Hank,
I seem to have
a bit of a digestive problem. I really hope that you could give me
a little bit of advice to make this acceptable, or less embarassing.
You see, it started a couple of years ago when I was with my
two friends. We were cruising around
in my friend's convertible(top up, for some reason we never drove with
the top down) and I was drinking a nestles quick. Usually I
don't drink them because of the high fat content
but for this one time I thought that I would
treat myself. As I sat in the front seat, comfortable in my cordory
slacks, I took a big swig. As the liquid began to slide down my throat
I felt a stange sensation in my lungs.
I soon found out that this sensation
was the "quick". So I spewed the light brown liquid all over my friends
car, in the heating vents, on my slacks, EVERYWHERE!!!!! My nose
was burning, my eyes were burning, and my
friends were laughing. Unfortunatly
this was not the first or last time that this has happened. Just
this past Thangsgiving at the dinner table I slung my milk(could be taken
as a dirty phrase!) on Tom(or Kurt) the Turkey
while parents and relatives watched in embarassment
as I excused myself from the table. Hank, is there anyhting that
I can do to make these situations more comfortable, or acceptable?
Can you give me any witty
remarks or comments that may ease the situation,
anything would be appreciated.
Thank you for your time,
A girl with small breasts.
Hank Has A Small Handful of Advice for you!
Dear small-melons,
Let me first delve
into the anonymity of this e-mail. There is only one woman that I
am familiar with that has stomach-pumped cocoa milk into the air vents
of a convertible, has used the word slacks in
a sentence on a regular basis,
and has an anus that squawks like a chiken in Aaron Feldstein's bedroom.
However, due to my professionalism and committment to solving life-altering
emotional
traumas, I will maintain your closet
identity. :) You have more than a simple milk-digestion problem here.
You can't control your vomit reflexes, or your bowels. I have a few
suggestions. First, if your poop-shoot can't shut the trap door,
don't grease the hinges with chocolate milk. You are just asking
for
SASS by doing that. Second,
remove the word slacks from your vocabulary. I believe this is the
main cause for your volitile gut-junk eruptions. Thirdly, donate
money to you friend with the white, Chrysler Lebaron drop-top, he sounds
like a stud. And finally, stop eating cheese sandwiches. Due
to the many hours of research, I have concluded that eating cheese sandwiches
causes adult chicken pox,
infatuations with men named Joe
Bucci, and "jog-box syndrome". Jog-box syndrome is the tendency to jog
flush into any mailbox on any given morning run.
I wish you well with
your struggle to conquer your milk digestion prob. If cutting out
the cocoa milk and cheese doesn't work, try shoving a 12 inch Kielbasa
half-way down your throat at the exact time
when you think you are going to
vomit. Yeah, you'll taste sausage murp (sausage milk-burp), but at
least you can keep your dignity at the dinner table.
-Beefmaster B
....And I'd like another helping of Beef!
Hey Beef, I'm a big guy and I like to fart.
Sometimes my girlfriend complains about it, but I like my stink.
When she complains, I pull the cover over her head so she can't escape.
I wish my farts would form over me in a mushroom cloud so I could smell
nothing else. Do I have a problem?
- Dutch O. Ven
Hank's got your recipe for success all cooked up!
Dear Dutch,
Hell no! You don't have a problem!
I have heard of others who take
a liking to the ejection of colon smoke, but
I haven't done that
myself. Anyway, lets get back to your
girlfriend. She may complain
about your gut-wind, but the actual reason
for her dislike is a
mystery. Does she dislike your volume,
pitch, smell, or consistency?
This is crucial. I suggest performing
a series of tests over the
next two months to accurately assess her dislike
levels acxcording to
the following standards. 1. Volume-
can she hear it from three rooms
away, or is it barely recognizable from 3
feet away. 2. Pitch- does
it sound like you are letting air out of a
tire, or does it sound like
you dropped a 45 pound barbell into a pool
of water. 3. Smell- is
it faintly musky, or deep, colon grit.
And finally, 4. Consistency-
are you clean following the act, or do you
leave residue?
This may be hard for some, but in order
to accuratley assess what
are dislike for the fart is, you need to perform
a fart at each
standard, then record her facial expression.
Then, adjust accordingly.
I do find a problem with one aspect
of your letter, however. The
Dutch oven. You are executing it incorrectly.
To get the best bang
for your dump, you have to prearrange the
scenario. Go to the
hardware store and buy a box of heavy duty
carpenter staples, and
staple the top sheet and the comforter on
the side of the bed that she
will be sleeping on under the mattress.
Before this, however, line
the underside of the comforter with plastic
wrap. This will eliminate
the possibility of wind leakage. When
she crawls into bed, wedge her
into the secure pocketed side of the bed,
and pull the comforter over
her entire body, decreasing her escapability.
Then, smile seductivley
and break wind.
Love, The Beefmaster.
Wall crawl
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