-March 25, 2000
Office memos come and go through the editor's department several times an hour. Generally, they're comprised
of tyrannical executive decrees about office gossip or venereal disease. As editors with a tremendous amount of
slanderous power we often ignore them and carry on merrily gabbing about which exec is poking which secretary, mail boy,
or fleshy vegetable. On one particular day however, we sat up and took notice when a memo came in on Ash Wednesday declaring that all MC
employees were obligated to give up their puberty for Lent. It was obvious that some syphilitic exec had found God, despite
his oozing chancres and atheism. Most of us here are fairly suspicous of organized religion but thought that it would be a good
idea to follow the letters of this particular memo rather than be "involuntarily clipped of our balls". We took the threat seriously,
though thought it was strange that this memo was written on a pair of bolt cutters. A follow-up memo chisled
into the blades of sheep shears itemized the procedure for renouncing our puberty:
1. Shave all body hair below the nose (but including the ears) every fifteen minutes.
2. Take a hit of helium from the company tank (replacing the water cooler) every ten minutes.
3. Duct tape all appendages that are not arms or legs flat to the body.
4. Remove any gyrating, vibrating, lubricating items and hands from your genitals.
5. Apply Wesson oil repeatedly to face.
6. Refrain from applying soap to face.
7. Walk on knees
8. Use "Rad", "Queerbate", and "Corey Haim" in at least ten sentences a day.
9. Don't get laid
10. Stick your thumb in a dog's ass and lick it
Yes, that about summed up our collective puberties. No sooner did the razors, duct tape, Wesson, and beagles arrive then we
were all shaving, taping and licking each others thumb's. We had never been a more cohesive efficient department than we were
that day. The beagles, sore and bleeding moderatley, eventually relaxed and peed on our razor burned legs.
-a special column contributed by the
Monthly Chatter Editorial Staff
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