8/10/99 Hank yodels:"Speaking of squeeking by, my sister's birthday was today.  So, my mom thought it would be great to mix up a batch of happy-birthday-meal for dinner.  I looked at the spread on the table, turned to Kim and said, "I call this Bowl-cloggin' Burritos.  Man, in the middle of the table was a vat of loose-meat (I think it was ground beef) mixed with corn and peas.  Over to the left we had melted blue-cheese, all washed down with a Michelob.  I must say I was prophetic.  It was Bowl clogging.  I don't know what they should feel like, but I think i know what anal love beads would feel like if ejected from the anus with the pressure of barley-water following close "behind".  The feel - nasty.  The smell - tangy.  The color - scenic. I saw mixtures of unexplained red and lime with the polka-dotted pleasantry of sunshine yellow.  Picasso-potty."

9/02/99 Hank blurts:"Hey, remind me to tell you about the girl who put her hand in my pant-pocket for 2 and 1/2 hours at a John Mellencamp concert, the fat, charcoal colored 40 year old at work who lifted up her dress and farted on a resident, and the man who urinated into a gas grill to lower the flame at the Fourth of July picnic."

9/15/99 Hank yelps:"Cunhankshious say, 'He who eat oliveloaf, give birth to baby with green rings.'"

9/29/99 Hank pipes:"I need to vent.  As I tickle the keyboard, I am looking at three schmucks with trenchcoats and fake vampire teeth protruding from their pie-holes.  They have this black face paint on with the names like "Scarecrow", "Dink", and "Dunk" on the back of their leather  trenchcoat-mafia-esque jackets.  Hey didn't Regina date "Dink" from the WWF?  Or was that "Doink"?

10/08/99 Hank yips:"...and then the monkey drove us to Burger King and bonK! The stupid little thing hit the car
ahead of us! Then a dog jumped out of a plane and bonK! ...it hit the ground right next to me and ran away! That was right about when the fourth girl started
to have sex with my four headed cock. I bonKed em all! And I faked an orgasm with every single one of them!"

10/15/99 Hank blubbers:"My life seems to be running like this right now:  The mouse-maze of monotony.  To
     work...to school...to bed...to work...masterbate...at work.  OOOps, too much info."

11/01/99 Hank shrieks: "Great bio on my buddy Neville.  Almost creamed my shorts.  The only thing stopping the creamage was this damned genital gak that's clogging my urethra as I speak."

2/10/2000 Hank ballyhoos:"Hey, Hank is an icon. Leave him alone and keep the wacky quote goin'. Give him some lag time do to the ravenous porthole in which he resides; "the Midwest". Time stands still in a place like Wisconsin, so have faith in the god of glutton, the sultan of sexcapades, the creator of cheese log. Regular entries will fill your screen and satisfy the blue balls and panty moist that has plagued you for months. Let's bow our heads and pray."

3/1/2000
"I proceeded to dump the turds in his pillowcase and then urinate in his cologne bottle. It was the perfect white trash ending to a white trash night."

Hank's moronlogue: "I met this 28-year old live in, A.D.D., alcoholic-bus driver the other day and he said 'Hey Henry, are you 2-cups stupid with a sprinkle of retarded?' This pecker-fuck called me a name."

3/12/2000 Hank's Swill: Upon some lengthy research, I did find a nicety-nice word, smegmolith. Smegmolith: a mass in the smegma. To further clarify, smegma: the thick, cheesy, ill-smelling secretion found under the labia in the clitoris.