11/5/98 Hank says: Say it like it is. "Life sucks. Now pass the fork."

11/6/98 Hank blabs: "First of all, I don't wanna hear anything about chicks farting anywhere."
 

11/10/98 Hank flaps his gums: " I spewed digestive carnage all over my pants while driving to school. You may be thinking, 'but Hen, aren't you in school now? And it's only 20 minutes after the vomiting?' Well, Tom, that is correct."

11/11/98 Hank speaks: "Fred Savage rocks."

11/12/98 Hank roars: "General Tso's Chicken does weird things to me."

11/13/98 Hank's gem: "She thinks that my male appendage is the size of an eggplant."

11/17/98 Hank spurts: "I'm as interested as a gynecologist in a pussy willow patch."

11/20/98 Hank's goofy remark: "Seriously though, that chicken hurts my spleen, or something. I don't know if it's the spice or the chicken, but my ass squawks like it's on fire."

Hank Goes: " Hey, did you know that other than the actual pubic region, the eye brows are the most abundant carriers of pubic lice. That's an eye opener, isn't it?"

Hank exclaims: "Well I'll be dipped in a big ol' vat o' crap!"

Hank barks: "Kyle Konkey is a Princeton Police Officer."

Hank yelps: "I think my cerebellum queefed, because I can't think straight, and a strange stank fell out of my mouth."

Hank snarls: " Ever since the Jersey shore, and "With Honors", I've had this fascination with rock, shells, and stonecollections.  I don't know why, but it really gets me hornybaby, yeahhhh.  No, seriously though.  I do like to look at different stones and know a little history about them.  So, someone at work says, "Hey, Gary (a resident) has a shell and pebble collection in his closet upstairs."  I was so friggin excited because this MF'er has been to Europe, Africa, and Asia, and he's retarded!  I've been to Wisconsin, and I'm not!!
Anyway, I go upstairs and start pulling out clothes and papers and all sorts of dirty, unrecognizable things from the floor of the closet.  I say "Fuck it" to myself and sit on his bed.  I look up to the top of the closet on a shelf with cotton on it.  Bingo!  A bag full of whitish sand and what look like shells.  I must have looked through the bag for a half an hour, then I picked out five or six of the coolest shells.  They were almost transparent cylinders.  I never saw this type before.
I ran downstairs and called for one of the staff.  I told them that I found the bag, now I wanted to know where he got these from.  I described the color, shape and size to a guy named Stan, and he looked up at me.  He said, "Gary only collects colored rocks and shells".  I said bullshit, look here.  He stepped back and threw up.  NO shit, dude.  All over himself.  I
was like, "What's the matter?".  He said, "did you get that on the top shelf?"  I answered,"yes, so?" He said, "That's the bag that the crematorium put his mother in."
I friggin threw up on the kitchen floor.
No disrespect for anyone who has lost anyone, but you just don't want to be touching body dust."

During X-mas season Hank whispers: "Had corn-caserole last night. Lit my Gerbil hole on fire."

Hank Screeches:  "I'm just flying around like a dung beetle in a cow-pie field."

Hank Horks: "I told a clerk at the local Piggly Wiggly (grocery store) to eat the change you ugly piece of dung."

Hank slurs: "If you have an idea out here( inWisconsin) it's immediately put down, then
bastardized, then you go to the bar and drink it all away.'

Hank hollers: "Tricia and I were talking this morning, and she said, "wow, I like the smell of your hair.  What
shampoo are you wearing?"  I reply, "BM Pert Plus".  She goes, "What's BM?"  I reply, "Bowel Movement."  The move was completely successful.  She did not vomit.  She did not slap me.  She laughed her SASS off!  I
initiated the plunge into the anus talk.  Surprisingly she bounces back with a little diddy of her own.  Here is the dialogue.

Tricia:  There's this woman at work.  Her name is Unis  Splogged.
Henry:   Yeah.
Tricia:  You remember when I told you that she clogged the toilet last
week?
Henry:  Yeah.
Tricia: Well, I came out of the office and I saw toilet water flowing
out from under the bathroom door.  Just then Unis came out of the
bathroom with water marking her ankles.
Henry:  Ughhhh.
Tricia:  We went in to see what was wrong.  Then we saw it.
Henry:  What did you see?
Tricia:  Size 48 inch underwear shoved in the bottom of the toilet,
with 3 logs of shit overflowing the bowl.
Henry:  <Nearly throwing up from the whole conversation>  And?
Tricia:  Unis then told my boss to go behind the toilet and pull some
wire "thingy".  My boss pulled it and brown water flew out from the
toilet and dumped the log on her foot.
Henry:  <Crying out of romantic disinterest and vivid imagery>  O.k.
that's disgusting, but why was there underwear in the toilet?
Tricia:  Well, I thought the same thing until I saw Unis walking away
with shit stained pants.  She pooped on herself.
Henry:  <shoved my finger gently down my throat>  Just so you know,
that tops any story I could ever tell

Dude, it was nasty.  But, I guess she feels comfortable enough to talk
about the "booty-paste".  Hey, put that term on the page.

4/7/99  Hanky drops us a line from the road on his Drag Racing in Drag tour!:
 - "Hey, I dyed my hair blonde.  It looks like moss."

4/14/99  Hank from his "Midgets for Monkey Rights" charity tour! "I'm sitting across from a girl, and no she is not crop dusting, but her hair looks like burnt bacon.  It's really weird.  Her eyebrows look like burnt bacon too.  It is so damned black, yet somewhat attractive.  It's not greasy like bacon, but has similar tints.  I'm sure if she didn't bathe for 2-3 days, she'd really capture the essence of deep fried pork.  I mean, she's not fat at all, probably the 75% lean variety.  uhh uhh, look at the rump on her.  I had the wrong meat altogether.  With an a$$ like that, she looks like beef.  Grade A ground round is what I found, sitt'n in a chair- lookin' quite profound.  She looks smart.  Not intelligent, but smart.  She could probably add.  And who knows, maybe even spell.  But what the hell. I don't buy beef to get an intellectual conversation, I'm looking for some eats.  I like bacon, and I love beef, so "come on over here baby, I'll show ya what to eat".

4/15/99 Hank lectures: "Don't get her pregnant."

4/22/99 Hank passes: "I farted in a KFC drive thru speaker."

4/27/99 Hank belches: "I went to see the Bucks play on Wednesday. They played the Magic,and I was five rows back. Very cool.  Just close enough to see the true ugliness of Anphrenee Hardaway.&nbsp; He is one nasty, Chris-Rock-hand-puppet lookin weirdo.
Robert Trailor of the Bucks is no beauty either. He looks like a lumpy BM. I find it arousing, in a pant-tightening sort-of-way."

5/1/99 Hank yodels: "I rode the short bus in high school two times."

5/17/99 Hank bleets:"Eat oliveloaf."

7/7/99 Hank croaks:"Hey, I spewed Dr. Pepper through my nose on Sunday.  Good times. I went to a Brewer game and raised the barley with my boss.  Very strange.  My nuts got sunburnt on Saturday.  I went fishing with my bro, then got swimmer's itch in the panties.  Good times.  Sorry for the randomness, but a grey-haired Q-tip is eyeing me down, waiting for me to leave the computer lab.  THROW YOURSELF DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS, YOU OLD PIECE OF PUBIC-RUG. - I say to myself while giving her the nice little school-boy smile with an accompanying waive."