Prose Archive

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=80 BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FFCC66" FACE="Arial" ><B>   </B></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FFFFCC" FACE="Arial" ><B>    </B></FONT><B> |     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE=" "><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <div> <B>Prose Archive</B><B>   |   </B><A HREF="id39.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Prose"><U><B>Back to Prose section</B></U></A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=210 BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" height=400 BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <div> Prose Archive</div> <bR> <div> Here it is:</div> <div> Moved a while ago...</div> <div> I'm posting this Eels song without permission. It is not mine but I think it is beautiful:</div> <div> And every time you crave for me, I'm here, </div> <div> And anything you hunger for, I'll share, </div> <div> And I will be quietly standing by, while slowly I am dying inside. </div> <bR> <div> Hold me in your arms,</div> <div> And let me be the one who can feel like I am a child in love. </div> <bR> <div> Every time I talk to you you're down, </div> <div> And every time you need a laugh I'm around, </div> <div> And when you forget I'm here I'm not. </div> <div> It isn't really me that you forgot. </div> <bR> <div> Hold me in your arms,</div> <div> And let me be the one who can feel like I am a child in love. </div> <bR> <div> Whisper now and tell me how you'll watch me and tell me somehow I'm gonna be alright </div> <bR> <bR> <div> Moved October 6, 2000</div> <div> yet another email to my firends:</div> <bR> <div> I dont believe that God is something to be feared, but</div> <div> I fear for those who do not respect the possibility that a God does exist.</div> <div> To clarify, I dont fear that you wont go to the protestant-catholic</div> <div> conception of "heaven"; rather, I fear you limit your-self by denying the</div> <div> possibility that there is something greater than mankind, or more</div> <div> importantly there is another way of explaining why. Intellectually, you</div> <div> should at least be able to grasp the idea that creation was not an accident.</div> <div> You should be able to accept that the things cannot just come into being</div> <div> (the universe its-self), the big bang, our solar system, the evolution of</div> <div> life on earth, civilization... what religeon does, in my eyes, is allow for</div> <div> an explanition (a fairly good one, even it it is fairytale style) for</div> <div> how/why we got here. It is easy and childish to say that someone's theory is</div> <div> wrong without proof, just as it is also easy to say we are here because we</div> <div> are... it was just an accident... but intellectually, can that theory</div> <div> support its-self anymore than religeon. I believe that it doesent;</div> <div> furthermore, I believe it is less likely from a probablity outlook.</div> <bR> <div> I dont think God is like a person... I think God is more like our conception</div> <div> of time. In reality, what is time? Try breaking down time and see how well</div> <div> you can explain it. Can you touch it? No. Can you see it? No, not time</div> <div> its-self. Is it really there? I beleve it is. The average person will</div> <div> contend that there is indeed such a thing as time, but explaining it well</div> <div> becomes difficult. How would you explain time to someone that has no</div> <div> understanding of it? Time allows us to look at things chronologically... God</div> <div> explains the things that truly are inexplicable(and I'm not referring to the</div> <div> all of the unsolved mysteries of mankind, necessarily). Was God invented in</div> <div> the same way that time was? Maybe. To me God is an explanation for how/why</div> <div> things are... much like time is an explanation of how things happened (in</div> <div> order). My conception of God is that God is in everything and that</div> <div> everything is in God. Everthing exists because of God, so the very essence</div> <div> of material is God. That sort of thing... Anyway. I do believe in God, but I</div> <div> dont really believe in religeon. I think that is where most of us agree.</div> <div> Orgnaized religeon warps the truth of God and spirituality... perhaps that</div> <div> is why we have so many people trashing the symbols of religeon.</div> <bR> <div> Jesus is a symbol. He was a person and maybe even God incarnate, but for all</div> <div> practical application by today's standards... He is just a symbol of how we</div> <div> can live peacefully. Some would contend that He is what the churches used to</div> <div> confuse its followers. If that is how we should live, and that is ingrained</div> <div> in our head, then we can be taken advantage of by those who do not subscibe</div> <div> to the same principals (like the Catholic church as some would argue).</div> <div> Regardless of your stance... the average religeous person has nothing but</div> <div> good intentions in thier relogeous beliefs. They believe what they are doing</div> <div> is right and they do their best to follow the greatest book of morals (the</div> <div> Bible).</div> <bR> <div> Yes there are religeous fanatics, but they are by no means within the silent</div> <div> majority. People who trash another person's religeon or purposefully say</div> <div> things to offend another person's beliefs are ignorant. plain and simple. I</div> <div> dont try to say anything to intentionally make someone else insecure about</div> <div> their own true beliefs, but I do find someone Jesus-bashing COMPLETELY</div> <div> distasteful. If you want to attack organized religeon itself, be my guest so</div> <div> long as you can do it tastefully and within intellectual boundries... but to</div> <div> attack the principals and charachters on which people base their lives and</div> <div> best intentions... and to do so in such a distasteful way; I cannot condone</div> <div> that.</div> <bR> <div> Moved Sept 28, 2000</div> <div> The following was part of an email I sent to a bunch of my friends:</div> <bR> <div> You know... I truly enjoy reflecting on the past. Every "major" crisis of my life seems so inconsequential after I've had time to realize that life has gone on (whether I knew that it would at the time or not). Some painful memories always remain, but they do become less painful as time goes on - if for no other reason than we get busy living again or another bigger crisis arrives. I think it is important to be able to realize the diffenrece between a bad day/ week and a life altering experience. It's like, and I know this will sound corny... but... in the garfield comic when garfield says, "It could be worse... It could be raining - (cue thunder and lightening) - Nice touch." as weird as that analogy is, it is accurate. I think bruce was feeling a bit down the other day and he might still be down... but he isn't dead or dieing, he doesen't have to deal with any problem more intense than a guy cutting him off in traffic, and whatever it is that has him down now will probably not be remembered 5 years from now. We all, for the most part, are living the good life. Christ! We live in America!!!! Try living in Mexico, where your pay would be a fraction of what american high school kids make flippin burgers; or try living in a poor African country. We live in the greatest and most wealthy/priveleged society in the history of the world. We are all attending colleges, which will make us all, at the very least, mildly succesful in life. We are living the good life. The majority of the world population wishes thay had it bad like we do. I guess the reason that crisises seem inconsequential after a while is because the longer we live, the more perspective we gain. Just a few thoughts to ponder the next time you think you've had a bad break.</div> <bR> <div> Moved Sept 6</div> <div> The following was taken from an email in which I answered to the best of my ability what fake happiness is:</div> <bR> <div> In my mind, fake happiness would be staying in a rotten marriage cause you want the kids to be happy or because you feel secure and or trapped in the marriage. You aren't happy there, but you stay because your family makes you "happy" when you really aren't. In short, you have something which you say or try to believe makes you happy(like money CAN), when in truth, you are denying how you really feel.</div> <bR> <div> Moved August 24</div> <div> Hey,  here is some stuff about me</div> <div> LIVING ARRANGEMENT</div> <div> A room barely large enough to fit my bed, a computer, and a chair. In a few</div> <div> weeks I'll be living in dorm D w/ the Phi Delts</div> <bR> <div> WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OUIJA BOARDS?</div> <div> They are fake.</div> <bR> <div> YOUR FAVORITE T.V. SHOW IS..</div> <div> either the simpsons, the family guy, or the Practice</div> <bR> <div> WHATS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?</div> <div> A 3D hologram of Darth Maul from Starwars Episode I</div> <bR> <div> FAVORITE BOARD GAME?</div> <div> chess, followed by monopoly</div> <bR> <div> FAVORITE MAGAZINE?</div> <div> Either Newsweek, The Smithonian, or the Scientific America.</div> <bR> <div> FAVORITE SMELL?</div> <div> Freshly made Cinnamon Rolls</div> <bR> <div> WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?</div> <div> being in love</div> <bR> <div> BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD?</div> <div> being in love</div> <bR> <div> FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK</div> <div> hmmmm..... either dazed and confused or Magnolia (If you haven't seen it, rent it)</div> <bR> <div> WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING?</div> <div> I think that I should have gone to bed earlier the night before</div> <bR> <bR> <div> ROLLER COASTER - SCARY OR EXCITING?</div> <div> exhilarating</div> <bR> <div> HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?</div> <div> 2, always 2. Unless I am waiting for a phone call... then 1.</div> <bR> <div> FAVORITE FOODS</div> <div> Veal Parmesan (did I spell that right?)</div> <bR> <div> CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?</div> <div> It depends what you are eating it with</div> <bR> <div> DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE?</div> <div> I like to drive, but I hate all other drivers when I'm on the road, so yes</div> <div> and no</div> <bR> <div> DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?</div> <div> Nope</div> <bR> <div> STORMS - SCARY OR COOL</div> <div> Storms kick ass.</div> <bR> <div> WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?</div> <div> 84 mustang</div> <bR> <div> IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?</div> <div> either gwen stefani or Plato</div> <bR> <div> FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?</div> <div> Captain Morgans Spiced Rum + Dr. Pepper or Seagrams Dry Gin + Kool-Aid</div> <bR> <div> WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE POET?</div> <div> myself.... pretty bad, huh... Yes, I am in love with myself. If I were a</div> <div> chick I'd be all over me.</div> <bR> <div> DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?</div> <div> No. I wont eat broccoli unless it is in my moms Broccoli Casseral, but I dont like broccoli cause it is a gassy food.</div> <bR> <div> IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE?</div> <div> President of the US, or CEO of Microsoft</div> <bR> <div> IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU PICK?</div> <div> White</div> <bR> <div> HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE</div> <div> once</div> <bR> <div> WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?</div> <div> Picasso's 'Old man with a guitar,' a sign that says, "Talking sign... I Respond" and a painting that I did of a girl.</div> <bR> <div> IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?</div> <div> Half empty</div> <bR> <div> FAVORITE MOVIES</div> <div> Clorkwork Orange, Stripes, More, The Sadness of Sex, Starship Troopers, Star Wars, Pulp Fiction, American History X, Fight Club, The Usual Suspects, Casablanca, and American Beauty spring to mind, to name a few.</div> <bR> <div> ARE YOU A LEFTY, RIGHTY, OR AMBIDEXTROUS?</div> <div> Righty</div> <bR> <div> DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?</div> <div> Sometimes</div> <bR> <div> WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?</div> <div> A printer, a dictionary, a bible, some clothes, some magic cards, some hangers etc</div> <bR> <div> WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER?</div> <div> either 4 or 12</div> <bR> <div> FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?</div> <div> Football or golf<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#00FF66" FACE="Arial" >     </FONT></div> <bR> <div> Moved on August 16</div> <div> This was written by my good friend John Sullivan, a.k.a. Turkey. I thought it was kick ass. It was a response to the girls are the devil emails.</div> <bR> <div> Washington D.C. (AP)</div> <bR> <div>      Today, in a magnificent blaze of hellfire and brimstone, Congress came to an abrupt halt as Satan (aka. The Devil, Prince of Darkness, Ruler of the Abyss, Creator of all things evil and unholy, etc.) himself descended upon the days proceedings. In an indescribable outrage he bellowed that there was a matter which needed immediate clarification.</div> <bR> <div>      "I'm sick and tired of you damned fleshlings claiming to be me, trying to boast that their powers are equally matched to my own. I've killed countless innocents and corrupted even more, toiling in my endless harvesting of souls so that I may one day have an army of fallen angels and demons, both greater and lesser, massive enough to conquer the ethereal planes as well as this world, and I come home from a long day's work to find that more of my pawns are taking credit for everything I have done. I know it means nothing in the long run, but I'm fed up with it. How am I to strike fear into the hearts of men when people like Jill Ulicney, Kristen Johnson, and Ken Jacobson are called the devil? It's sacrilege I say! I, Turk...uh, I mean Lucifer, have spoken" </div> <bR> <div>      With that he opened up a rift and stepped back into the Nether realm. It is said that Congress is going to make Satan return and clean up the mess he left, or he shall be spanked until he does.</div> <bR> <div> Moved on July 27</div> <bR> <div> Wow. Last night email went a flying amongst my friends. Responding to a letter in which Craig answered Boomer's question about craig's plan for the summer (he had a dating scheme, sort of) I wrote: </div> <div> I don't suppose anyone really cares, but I personally didn't have a grand</div> <div> scheme (like craig) for this summer; rather, I had a plan to pursue with</div> <div> vigor that which my heart has desired for years ( the love of One other). My</div> <div> back-up plan, which I was explaining to craig this morning before we headed</div> <div> back to canfied from ashtabula, was to date Gwen Stefani. It would seem that</div> <div> both of my plans we ill-fated from the start, though I've not ventured much</div> <div> effort into the Gwen thing. I have a plan for when I head back to college,</div> <div> though. I will spend my weekends binge-drinking and waking up next to</div> <div> strange (but hot) college gals. It will be a hard and terrible existence,</div> <div> but someone must do it. I do it for mother Russia. Kristen and any other</div> <div> females that might come across this email: do not read this next bit.</div> <div> Women are the devil- plain and simple, the devil.</div> <div> ok, they may resume reading once again.</div> <div> That is all that has been going on for me, a snipe hunt and Gwen Stefani</div> <div> (whom I've never met) from No Doubt. Now I have shit else to do this summer,</div> <div> so I think I will take up drinking again and slowly numb my mind in an</div> <div> alcoholic haze the world has not see since... er.... since.... since the end</div> <div> of prohibition. I think Zimmerman's grand scheme was to fake mono and take</div> <div> naps all day, but I could be wrong (eh matt?) Oh well. Good summer,</div> <div> everyone, mine is half-over and I am stagnate.</div> <div> Yours,</div> <div> ~Ken</div> <bR> <div> Aparently, my women are the devil comment kicked off a slew of humorous and serious replies. I thought I'd include a few of them:</div> <bR> <div> From KJ responding to my comment:</div> <div> ...since I am not the devil, I think that statement needs to be ammended to "SOME women are the devil," or perhaps "Many women are the devil" or better yet " women except Kristen (and jill, since she's on this list and a very nice person) are the devil." </div> <bR> <div> From Me responding to KJ's Comment</div> <div> Hey, not fair! I specifically asked that you skip over that part. I would never say that to you, Kristen, or Jill. Likewise, I would not propose that Kristen or Jill were indeed the dark god. Nor would I say that about Jen, my sister, my mother, my aunts and grandmothers, nor Gwen Stefani. I was speaking about women in general, and it was meant to be humourous and help display my own insecurities about my sexuality. (Incase you ppl haven't seen my webpage, I'm into making fun of my-self. It helps feed my pet, an insecure sort of self hate)</div> <bR> <div> For the record, I am a hopeless romantic. I fall in love at the fall of a hat and I torture myself with dreams of things that will never be. For this I hate my-self and hope to die in a Ripley's believe-it-or-not style death. I have devoted a great portion of my teen years (primetime for dating) to the dream of being with a girl that wants only friendship. This is not her fault, she is not the devil. Kristin is not the devil, Jill is not the devil, Carol is not the devil, Women are not the devil. </div> <div> I am. Bwah hah hah haaa!!! </div> <div> ~Ken</div> <bR> <div> From Justin responding to my first comment</div> <div> women are not the devil. there is no devil ... the problem lies within ...</div> <div> i think once we realize that we are not special and that everything that we see and feel have been seen and felt by millions of others over millions of years than we will all be a little happier and it will be that much easier to tell that little devil in all of us to fuck off.</div> <bR> <div> From Bruce responding to KJ's comment:</div> <div> i, myself would like to offer a little opposition to this declaration that jill is not the devil. i believe that i might even be able to persuade sullivan to side with me. I, do believe, that jill is the devil.</div> <bR> <div> From Tosi responding in general:</div> <div> This leads to my point, neither men nor women are the devil, in </div> <div> fact there is no devil as we, children raised in a judeo-christian society, </div> <div> percieve the devil. I do believe, however, that we are all devils and gods too </div> <div> for that matter. We all have a part of us that is good, the "God" within us. In </div> <div> order for us to have good in us, we must also have evil in us. I don't care how </div> <div> nice and perfect you migh be, there is a part of you that is evil. </div> <bR> <div> From Tosi responding to Bruces comment:</div> <div> I do not believe that Jill is the devil, or maybe I do and I am just lying to </div> <div> be a good boy and pander to my true secret desires, to have sex with Jill in </div> <div> the most uncomfortable of places. </div> <bR> <div> From Jill responding to Bruces comment:</div> <div> See here, see here! I have exciting new evidence that BRUCE could possibly </div> <div> be the devil! >:)</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <IMG SRC="2d4c4a40.gif" border=0 width="196" height="164" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> From Me responding to Jill's comment:</div> <div> How Dare You attach a doctored pic of Bruce!!!! I happened to have the</div> <div> original pic of bruce and thought I'd let everyone see what it originally</div> <div> looked like! Here it is:</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <IMG SRC="2fbba9b0.gif" border=0 width="186" height="155" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> Now lets not have any more of this silly bruce is the devil business.</div> <div> ~ken</div> <bR> <div> From Boomer responding to the bijillion emails he recieved:</div> <div> i haven't been on here in a while, but as i read the 18 FUCKING e-mails, most of them addressing ken's devil comment, i couldn't help but laugh my ass off. here i am, having the shittiest day of work since i've gotten here and i thought nothing could cheer me up. then i read your MORONIC e-mails and i just started busting out laughing. not that they're really that funny, i just think its funny that 1 humerious line, that wasn't meant to be read by the girls anyways, but turned into a 15 page philosophical debate. the truth is the the devil was none of those things :) the devil is actually a collection people, known to us only as "the american government". if you think about it, its true. they kill and steal and can't mind their own damn business (vietnam, kuwait, bosnia, croatia). i'm sorry </div> <div> that all of you were missled before on the whole "girl/self/others" being the </div> <div> devil. see, since ken plans in studying law someday, he'll be responcible </div> <div> for upholding the governments laws. this makes him a tool of the devil. as </div> <div> part of his early training, its his responsibility to mislead as many people </div> <div> as he can, to turn them against eachother. the truth is that girls are of </div> <div> another species. a species that takes imense pleasure in watching man </div> <div> suffer. now that i've solved your silly little quarrel. time for other news </div> <div> (daily show). i've got 10 minutes before i have to go back to my drone job </div> <div> of stacking apples. i have a few comments for all of you:</div> <bR> <div> justin-in regards to your letter, you gotta use spell checker buddy. that </div> <div> sucker was a mess.</div> <bR> <div> KJ and Jill-I too take immense pleasure in watching you suffer as i walk past </div> <div> you with my tight ass and you can't help but drool.</div> <bR> <div> Blystone- if you buy the train game, i'll let you install it on my computer </div> <div> and play it when i'm not home, so long as you never tell anyone and you </div> <div> promise to delete it every time you're done playing with it.</div> <bR> <div> Ken-you're damn seXXXy. i'll paint my hair pink and blow you any day big boy</div> <bR> <div> Moved on July 17 2000</div> <bR> <div>      Never take sides against the family, 'cause it's lonely out there in the rowboat. Even if your wrists and ankles are raw and chafed from your family ties, just remember, without them, who are you?</div> <div>      Your family cuts you the most slack and gives you the most chances. When the quiz-show host says, "Name somthing you find in a refrigerator," and you say, "a dictionary," and the rest of America is screaming, "You Moron!" at their TV sets, who's clapping and saying, "Good Answer! Good Answer!"? Your family, that's who.</div> <div>      Quoted from Dennis Miller's <U>Ranting Again</U>     </div> <bR> <div> Moved on July 14 2000</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div>      The Fall</div> <div>           Who will catch me,</div> <div>           When I'm falling?</div> <div>           Now I'm falling,</div> <div>           Will you?</div> <bR> <div>           Now I'm nothing,</div> <div>           Just like everything,</div> <div>           And I'm dreaming,</div> <div>           About you.</div> <bR> <div>           Like the phoenix,</div> <div>           I have risen,</div> <div>           I am everyone,</div> <div>           But not you.</div> <bR> <div>           I remember,</div> <div>           Almost nothing.</div> <div>           Clocks are ticking -</div> <div>                Keep me in your dreams</div> <div>                Hear me in your screams</div> <div>           Watch me as I leave</div> <div>           Falling; Falling,</div> <div>           </div> <div>           Time is short -</div> <div>                See me slip away,</div> <div>           Falling through the cracks.</div> <div>      </div> <bR> <div> Moved on july 3 2000</div> <div> <B>Jerkface</B>  ( jurk f<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#00FF66" FACE="FuturaBlack BT" >å</FONT>s). n. <B>1. </B>(used<B> </B>an insult) person who is a jerk : <I>Shaddap ya jerkface. </I><B>2. </B>A person who looks like a jerk, esp. about the face : <I>I don't like the looks of those jerkfaces. </I><B>3.</B> (used as a term of endearment) a person that you are amused with : <I>Marsha - oh jon. Jon - Oh marsha. Ken - Oh yeah... jerkface. </I><B>4.</B> an insignificant (group) of person(s) : <I>Yeah, well they're just a bunch of jerkfaces.</I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> Moved on June 25</div> <div>      Did you hear on the news...?</div> <div>      <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0033FF" FACE="Arial" >No, It gives me the blues... all the things that the propagators say.</FONT></div> <div>      Did you see on TV...?</div> <div>      <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0033FF" FACE="Arial" >I only watch movies 'cause TV doesen't reach out to me.</FONT></div> <bR> <div>      The mainstream is tainted with money, </div> <div>      Funny, they never asked me,</div> <div>      If I would care if they didn't care,</div> <div>      But I do, but they don't, so I won't</div> <bR> <div>      Did you buy their CD?</div> <div>      No, I have mp3's But I'll borrow the CD from you..</div> <div>      Did you see at the Mall...?</div> <div>      <FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0033FF" FACE="Arial" >I won't go to the mall; frankly, I've better things to do</FONT></div> <bR> <div>      The monopolies don't get my money,</div> <div>      Funny, they still get by ok</div> <div>      I watch from afar, like <I>they're</I> stuck in a jar,</div> <div>      And I laugh....            alone.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Moved on June 19</div> <div> I was looking through one of my personal books of poems and came across this. I wrote it a year ago. It had a title, which was scratched out, and I think that is a good thing cause I still cannot come up with an appropriate title. without further adieu, here it is:</div> <bR> <div>           I wonder if you think it's fair.</div> <div>           I've heard that third wheels cause more friction.     </div> <div>           Did you dream I wasn't there,</div> <div>           Or were your thoughts best left to the imigination?</div> <div>           Was I wrong to sing a lovesong?</div> <div>           Did I sing the song too soon?</div> <div>           Friendships only last so long,</div> <div>           They move to another step or end in ruin.</div> <div>           It is your call, after all,</div> <div>           Mayhaps I shouldn't mention,</div> <div>           That brought me back again to fall,</div> <div>           Or was it for attention?     </div> <bR> <div> Moved on June 10</div> <bR> <div>           Shut off the World,</div> <div>           Turn on the cold.</div> <div>           Worship the Young,</div> <div>           Kill off the Old.</div> <bR> <div>           Throw on another,</div> <div>           Keep the fire burning.</div> <div>           Smell all the smoke,</div> <div>           While your stomache is churning.</div> <bR> <div>           Fueled by evil; fear; ignorance,</div> <div>           Beautifully executed; sick!</div> <div>           A satanic dance,</div> <div>           A horrible trick.</div> <bR> <div>           Who could believe,</div> <div>           Such a sad song?</div> <div>           Evil in nature,</div> <div>           Tormentingly long.</div> <bR> <div>           We are all at fault,</div> <div>           If it happens again -</div> <div>           Standing by knowingly,</div> <div>           At the slaughter of men.</div> <bR> <div> Moved on June 4</div> <div> For those of you that dont know, this is not mine, it is a song by Social Distortion. I suggest you buy their music and support them 'cause they are pretty damn good, IMO.</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Story Of My Life </B></div> <bR> <div> High school seemed like such a blur,</div> <div> I didn't have much interest in sports or</div> <div> School elections.</div> <div> And in class I dreamed all day,</div> <div> About a rock 'n' roll weekend.</div> <div> And the girl in the front of the room, so close yet so far y'know she never seemed</div> <div> To notice</div> <div> That this silly school-boy crush</div> <div> Wasn't just pretend.</div> <div> chorus:</div> <div> Life goes by so fast, you only want to do what you think is right.</div> <div> Close your eyes and then it's past;</div> <div> (It's the) Story of my life.</div> <div> And I went down to my old neighborhood,</div> <div> The faces have all changed, there's no one left to talk to.</div> <div> And the pool hall I loved as a kid</div> <div> Is now a Seven Eleven.</div> <div> I went downtown to look for a job,</div> <div> I had no training, no experience to speak of.</div> <div> I looked at the holes in my jeans</div> <div> And turned and headed back.</div> <div> chorus:</div> <div> Life goes by so fast, you only want to do what you think is right.</div> <div> Close your eyes and then it's past;</div> <div> (It's the) Story of my life.</div> <div> Good times come and good times go,</div> <div> I only wish the good times would last a</div> <div> Little longer.</div> <div> I think about the good times we had</div> <div> And why they had to end.</div> <div> So I sit at the edge of my bed,</div> <div> I strum my guitar and I sing an outlaw</div> <div> love song.</div> <div> thinkin' bout what you're doin' now</div> <div> And when you're comin' back.</div> <bR> <div> Moved on May 9, 2000</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Heh heh heh... posted without permission</div> <bR> <div> Full Name: Eric David Tranovich </div> <div> B-day: November 25th, 1980 </div> <div> age: 19 Parents: David & Mary Jane </div> <div> Sibs: Matt </div> <div> Pets: 2 </div> <div> Zodiac: Sag. </div> <div> Brief description of self: absolutely perfect </div> <bR> <div> *~Favorites~* </div> <div> color: green and blue </div> <div> #: 4 & 6 </div> <div> animal: Emu bird: Speckled Toitise </div> <div> ice cream: Heavenly Hash </div> <div> flower: Purple Rose of Cairo </div> <div> store: Best Buy </div> <div> shoe brand: Whatever I can afford at the time </div> <div> group: Alice in Chains </div> <div> food: Croissant </div> <div> vaca. spot: back yard </div> <div> outfit: jeans and a t-shirt </div> <div> actor/actress: Kari Wuhrer, Ashley Judd, Gary Busey, and of course, Swayze </div> <div> movie: Spaceballs </div> <div> Show: WWF Raw, and WWF SmackDOWN! </div> <div> quote: Step on a crack, break your mother's back, step on your sock, somersault!</div> <div> Car: mine </div> <div> song: "Trash" by Korn </div> <div> Sport: Soccer, not that non-sport dance </div> <div> Teacher: Can't remember its been so long </div> <bR> <div> *~Just Questions~* </div> <div> Who is/are your best friend(s)? my brother </div> <div> Who did you talk on the phone with last? my dad's cousin</div> <div> Who have you known your whole life (besides family)? Justin-Kindergarten </div> <div> Who did u last have a sleep over with? Sean....its my second home </div> <div> What was the last store you bought something at? Pac Sun....had to get new sunglasses after mine got busted </div> <div> Who was the last person you were with that you were in a car accident with? no one..i hope i never have to go through that </div> <div> Where was your last vacation? VA. Beach </div> <div> Where are you going this year for vacation? dunno </div> <div> Are/did you go anywhere for spring break? yeah....Greeneville, PA </div> <div> Do you think that girls are better than guys at sports? yeah id believe that </div> <bR> <div> OPPOSITE SEX: </div> <div> do u have a crush? i think she knows </div> <div> do u have a gf/bf? naw </div> <div> who is really hot? anyone whose not in Ohio right now <little weather joke> </div> <bR> <div> WHO????? </div> <div> who is the smartest? ass? me </div> <div> who is the crazyest?? myself </div> <div> who is the nicest?? Dan </div> <div> who is the quietest?? Dan </div> <div> who is the funniest (girls or guys)? myself </div> <div> who is the best listener?? no one, thats why i dont tell them anything </div> <div> who knows the most about u?? Sean </div> <bR> <div> FOR GUYS~ </div> <div> do u like it when girls wear make-up? or do u think it's stupid? if its not too much, it looks great </div> <div> do u like airheads?? sometimes...they are great to get stoned </div> <div> do u like brainiacs??? well, apparently I do </div> <div> do braces turn u off ? couldnt tell ya </div> <div> what kind of girl do u look for?? someone who is themselves </div> <div> what is the perfect personality for your match? fun loving, easy going, not afraid to sit next to u </div> <bR> <div> FOR GIRLS~ </div> <div> do u like it when guys have their hair long or short? i like short...oh wait, i wasnt supposed to answer these....woops...... </div> <div> facial hair or shaved and shorn??? definitley shorn...its quite breathtaking what </div> <div> kind of guy do u go for?? one whose gonna treat me for my self not for my body </div> <div> do braces turn u off??? not really </div> <div> what is the perfect personality for your boy?  polite, chivalrous, romantic and fun </div> <div> do u like it when guys r grungey or clean-cut? clean cut........oh wait, i wasnt supposed to answer these....woops...... </div> <bR> <div> WHICH ONE~ </div> <div> pepsi/coke? 7-Up </div> <div> mercedes/hummer? Hummer </div> <div> porsche/beemer (BMW)? </div> <div> Jags comedy/drama? Come-ra </div> <div> brunette/blond/redhead? purple</div> <div> BSB/NSYNC? 98 Degrees </div> <div> Korn/Limp bizkit? K-O-R-N</div> <div> college/high school? hated em both </div> <div> punk/pop? neither </div> <div> Clinton/Dole? Clin-Dole </div> <div> Wedding Singer/ Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Ferris Bueller, you're my hero </div> <bR> <div> ~~STUFF~~ </div> <div> what college?? Y-Town is my Town </div> <div> when r u going to get married?? When someone says yes </div> <div> how many kids?? dunno, until my well goes dry, if ya know what I mean </div> <div> what will their names be?? I'm gonna buy one of those baby name books and go through it cover to cover, until I usa up every name </div> <div> what do u want to be??? A junkie </div> <div> what kind of car do u hope to drive? A Pinkley Taurus </div> <div> do you think u'll be successful in life? of course i will i mean come on...with look like these? are you kidding? </div> <div> <IMG SRC="24c729b0.jpg" border=0 width="114" height="155" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> Moved on May 1, 2000</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> A Tribute to Shakespeare, My love for One Other</div> <bR> <div>           As I enter the stage I feel the rage and</div> <div>           Pray that the play of the play will be gentile.</div> <div>           For if it is not, and I lack what I've sought</div> <div>           Then I've been to hot and to mental.</div> <bR> <div>           May the spectators above enjoy with the doves</div> <div>           The displays of my love for one other.</div> <div>           And my faith in what's real and all that I feel</div> <div>           Is real in none other. One Other.</div> <bR> <div> Moved on April 24, 2000</div> <div>           From the very moment I was asked to answer a </div> <div>           simplequestion, I knew the inquisitor to be a liar.</div> <div>           How does one go about responding to such a distrustful </div> <div>           person that would claim a question to be simple? I </div> <div>           responded with a rather short quip, "There are no simple </div> <div>           questions, only simple answers." In having said that, I, of</div> <div>           course, meant for answer to mean conclusion.<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#00FF66" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <bR> <div>           "Regardless," continued the attempted deceiver, "I would ask </div> <div>           that you provide a simple conclusion to my posed question." </div> <div>           At that moment, I knew I had approached an insurmountable</div> <div>           and possibly perilous task. To refuse would relinquish my tenure </div> <div>           of my own perceived reality in which I find myself the presiding </div> <div>           conveyor of truth.  How could a person such as myself live with </div> <div>           the idea of not having the answer; further, what if I was wrong! </div> <div>           </div> <div>           My mind screamed, "BE GONE DECIEVER!" On the contrary, I </div> <div>           responded, "…if I must" Such is how I found myself at the will</div> <div>           of the deceiver. The question posed could be a trap from which</div> <div>           I should never think the same way again- and yet I approached </div> <div>           it serenely as if judgement had been passed on my soul.  If I </div> <div>           didn't answer I could lose far more than a failed attempted to </div> <div>           once again find the truth. And so my journey into a tangible </div> <div>           darkness began with a single question; the only question…<FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#00FF66" FACE="Abadi MT Condensed Light" > </FONT></div> <div>                          To be continued.</div> <div> Moved to the Archive on April 17, 2000</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> Fleeting</div> <div>      Therein my soul exists a hole where air keeps flowing out,</div> <div>      A hole in my filled completely with nothing but self-doubt.</div> <bR> <div>      It runs away, more so each day, constructing my own void,</div> <div>      Patiently sits poor old me jealously annoyed.</div> <bR> <div>      Led on it seems by my own dreams but somehow I think more,</div> <div>      I feel confused and somewhat used though I know not what for.</div> <bR> <div>      I'd said before that I'd wait for what makes me feel complete,</div> <div>      But time slips by, I wonder why with time I do compete.</div> <bR> <div>      It feels unfair that I must care for what cannot be mine,</div> <div>      Though if I wait and play with fate things just might work out fine.</div> <bR> <div>      If in tomorrow lies my sorrow good then bring it on,</div> <div>      For I know I will not go... I'll already be gone.</div> <bR> <div> Moved to the Archive on April 9, 2000</div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> The Masquerade</div> <bR> <div> As I leave the masquerade, I am sometimes reminded of a nightmare- you know… the one where you are trying to get away as fast as your legs can carry you but to no avail. No matter how fast I run, I know it's close and getting closer. Time begins to crawl and every second seems worse than the previous. I feel a chill that cuts to bone as I run over the moist, soft earth beneath me. Gradually, my arms and legs begin to feel like lead and I notice a sinking feeling in my stomach that seems to grow stronger as my intestines wither inside me. My blood- my very essence- seems to sublimate into a taffy-like element, and I slowly begin to lose the ability move. I've hit "the wall", and I know it's right behind me. Nothing can save me now, so I somehow force my body to turn around and see it. I notice my reflection in its eyes: naked, open, and docile. Standing right before me: myself without the mask. </div> <div>      To leave behind the swirling lights and colorful imagery isn't always such a dramatic production. Sometimes I enjoy the vacation from the facetious façade of our daily life. Leaving is an opportunity to look inward and avoid losing touch with myself- it's quite easy to get caught up in the revelry of the masquerade. The experience of living, if only briefly, without the mask is almost spiritual in nature. It is a time of honesty in which I can reflect upon and appreciate my life's experiences. Rather than fleeing in terror from the truth, I sometimes walk openly towards the place where there are no masks; but it is never easy.</div> <div>      I'm not sure if it would be possible to give directions to this place; perhaps it is because I too lack the proper direction to find it. I sometimes think that western culture, particularly American, lacks the spiritual direction necessary to live honestly. I don't necessarily believe that western culture lacks religion; rather, I believe that our culture lacks an honest, inward focus. I believe that only by looking inward can we see our true place in the overall scheme of things. Perhaps we've been socialized to do it or maybe we've just forgotten how to live without walls; regardless of the cause, we continue to put on our silly masquerade.</div> <div>      I believe that everyone touched by western "civilization" wears a mask, if for nothing than necessity. Throughout my life, I have noticed that our culture seems to focus primarily on a person's external qualities, such as appearance and material possessions. This focus on the external creates an environment in which we are constantly under the scrutiny of others. Our learned behavior of criticism by and of our peers is responsible for a good deal of the pressures we feel amongst them. The constant pressures to conform in terms of behavior and appearance are what make us wear our masks and dance.</div> <div> To say that the only reason I wear my mask is to conform would be false. People wear their mask like a shield to protect themselves from situations that could blow up in their face, and we all have at least one scar. The masquerade is not something we are born into; it is something we are initiated into in our youth. I think this is why young children are so honest and unafraid of the truth. It is not until we have been hurt by something blowing up in our face that we become ashamed of our scar and cover it with a mask.</div> <div>      We usually cover our masks with glittery distractions that often lead people away from our true selves. Hidden behind extravagant designs, we allow our masks to become our egos. They set our projected standards of acceptable behavior and to what level of intensity we value them. We let the masks we wear be shaped by those around us and we often let our masks dictate our actions. Our masks become so much a part of us that we begin to lose touch with the person behind the mask, but that person never goes away.</div> <div>      Our masks, though they hide us from strangers, are often transparent to those that know us best. I have a friend, Jen, who can always see right through the masks I place around myself. Even when I attempt to hide behind a mask I believe to be opaque, she generally knows exactly what I am thinking. Only when we surround ourselves by those we truly feel comfortable with that the person behind our mask shines through. Because those close to us can see past our masks, it is not uncommon for them to know us better than we know ourselves.  </div> <div> Throughout early adolescence, I wore a barbed mask that pushed nearly everyone away. My mask was that of a "tough guy" who wouldn't take anything from anybody, or so I'd thought. I don't know what sort of event could hurt me so terribly that I would use such a mask, but the emotional scar ran deep enough for me to keep it well hidden from those who might pick at my wound. I tried to hurt those around me before they could get the opportunity to hurt me. Subsequently, I missed out on many good times with people that loved the person behind my mask. It was during this period of my life that I lost nearly all touch with the boy behind my mask.</div> <div>      It was nearly five years ago when I first became aware of my own mask. I had just finished freshman football and still wore my barbed mask to keep people from getting too close. I was in a new environment, high school, and began to meet new and interesting people. I am almost certain that the event that triggered my need of a new mask directly corresponded with my joining of the U.S. policy debate team. Instead of needing a mask of thorns to display my "tough guy" image, I wore a razor sharp mask that showed both cunning and intelligence with a professional twist in my dance.</div> <div>      Now I seemed to be aware that I was wearing a mask; however, I had still not looked inward to see what existed beyond this mask. One memory that leaps out at me from my memories of high school came nearly a year later. I entered a stage where I continually fought with my parents. When this would happen, my siblings would often become angry with me and confront me later. This, of course, only led to more disputes in which my parent's would once again become involved. </div> <div> One particular day, while riding in the car with my mother, I was confronted. My mother asked why I kept everyone that wished to get close to me at a distance. She reminded me of the time before I kept everyone away; when I was willing to let everyone get to know the real me. This confrontation didn't change my ways; it did make me think quite a lot about them, though.</div> <div> During my sophomore year of high school, I found the man behind my mask. I had given up on football and no longer needed my barbed mask from before. I had begun cross country to fill the gap that football had left behind, I still participated in policy debate, and I began working long hours for the business that my parents had just purchased. My schoolwork was suffering slightly and I began to miss out on the many things my friends were doing while I was busy with extracurricular activities. The stress of not doing as well as I wished in high school in addition to the hours I was putting into work began to build up inside me. It was at this point in my life that I had my first and only nervous breakdown.</div> <div>  It was a frightening experience. I felt as if I <I>was </I>being chased by something. My whole world began spinning out of control and I couldn't focus on my tasks at hand. I began trying to shut out the external world and quiet the many thoughts that raced endlessly through my head. I quit my job and all the extracurricular activities I was involved in. I began meditation, practicing trances, and many new age relaxation techniques. Slowly, I was becoming acquainted with the person I had lost touch with so many years before. I began to see the man behind my mask.</div> <div> I realized that I had become a robot. I danced in the masquerade with all the precision of a person who has lost touch with the actually living aspect of life. I began to see that routine and schedule become societal traps that keep us stuck in the masquerade. I concluded that we only truly live when we experience all that life has to offer. My question became this: how do we live our lives free of the routines that desensitize us from actually experiencing life? My answer saddened me. I believe that if we wish to live in society, we must then do so by following society's rules. We cannot choose to be part of society without learning some of the dances. And so, I resumed the dance. I made a mask that seemed to say, "I'm going to succeed," and I danced to my own beat; but still, I danced in the masquerade of life.</div> <bR> <div> Moved to the archive on April 3, 2000</div> <div> ...You know that feeling where it's kinda hard to breath and you aren't quite sure why? The feeling that seems to come when you are at your wit's end and you feel like you have nothing you can do or say to make things better. Almost exasperation. You can't sleep. Food doesn't taste good. You don't feel much like doing anything. You sit around all day wishing for only one thing, knowing there is only one thing that will make you feel better. If you get it, things return to normal- you can sleep, food tastes good, you can smile and feel elated; but if you don't, it's all you think about. You obsess about it.  You look like shit and feel like shit until you get it again. What am I talking about? What force could have such an encompassing effect on one's outlook? ...</div> <bR> <div> ... As the end of the first day in a new century came to pass, a man sat alone in front of his reflection pondering a sad face. He knew from the lost look, which seemed to possess the whole of his visage, that he was no more man than boy; this he saw most clearly from gazing into his tired, lonely eyes. His heart mourned from the arduous exposure to this possessed being, yet he continued his solemn labor, patiently awaiting that which would reverse the tragic scene...</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Ah yes... This is an exert from a piece I did about being in a pseudo-relationship where love is not returned. I know lots of people who have had this problem.</div> <bR> <div> Here is a poem I wrote recently. I haven't given it a name (mostly cause it sux).</div> <div> It started off being about one thing, then it turned into something else which I don't like- something that filled me with a sick perverted sense of accomplishment. This is what happens when two separate sources of motivation influence your work. I don't particularly like this poem; however, it is not  to be reproduced in any fashion as it is my intellectual property as of March 8, 2000. Here goes:</div> <bR> <div> The sky is falling           In my head </div> <div> My world is spinning     From what you said </div> <div> And now I'm nothing     But you don't know </div> <div> That I'm not smiling       Cause I dont show </div> <bR> <div> What's going on inside of me </div> <div> I'm blowing up but you cant see </div> <div> So far away I'm almost gone </div> <div> But step by step I shuffle on</div> <div>  </div> <div> "Friends" are filling       Me with lies </div> <div> I pray they are               Or let me die </div> <div> The truth is hurting        All are victims </div> <div> There are no doctors   To treat these symptoms</div> <div>  </div> <div> Whats going on inside of you </div> <div> You are so blind but I am too </div> <div> So far away each in denial </div> <div> And separated by more than miles</div> <div>  </div> <div> I keep on walking        To get away </div> <div> I get on further             Every day </div> <div> I keep on walking       To the end </div> <div> Goodbye to you          My "only" friend</div> <bR> <div>  <IMG SRC="http://service.bfast.com/bfast/serve?bfmid=1126816&siteid=27351953&bfpage=mcfalane" BORDER="0" WIDTH="1" HEIGHT="1" NOSAVE > <A HREF="http://service.bfast.com/bfast/click?bfmid=1126816&siteid=27351953&bfpage=mcfalane" TARGET="_top"><IMG SRC="http://www.actionaffiliates.com/banners/mcfarlane_2.gif" BORDER="0" WIDTH="468" HEIGHT="60" ALT=""></A>  </div> </td> </tr></table></body>