Tasuki Becomes a Gundam Pilot by: Tenshi Akari

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This fanfic has a very interesting history if you care to hear it. If not skip this first paragraph. Anyway the majority of this fic was done between 12:00 midnight and 9:00 a.m.. The whole thing started with me writing the original "Tauski Becomes A Gundam Pilot" that was about 2 pages typed and the absolutely scariest thing I've ever written. In short Tauski stole the Shenlong because it shot fire and Tauski liked it after seeing it on t.v. so he followed the GPs to the gas station and stole the Shenlong then promptly took it home and burned down his house with Tamahome and Chicheri living in it. As you can tell it was really bad so it was ripped and torn to shreds by my younger brother. Then after watching about one third of Gundam Wing until 3:00 a.m. I fell asleep and my friend Andi who was over at the time started this at 4:00 a.m. while I slept. At about 7:30 I woke up and read what she had started and decided to work on it with her. Of course after we started it her father came to pick her up and we had to work on it separately and combine it at the end. Well that's the whole story and the whole truth. This however is REALLY funny and well odd but hopefully you will like it. Without further a do I present to you…….

Tauski Becomes a Gundam Pilot

Tauski: why don't we start with the most obvious-WHAT THE HELL IS GUNDAM WING, AND WHAT IS A GUNDAM?!

Author: Tut, tut *shakes finger at him* you shouldn't curse.

Tauski: I'll do whatever the hel *sock gets shoved in his mouth ^_^ *

Author: You not knowing is the funniest part. Even though I think you are the cutest of the Suzaku Seven, You will get no leeway. *Maniacal laughter* Now, shall we continue? *Sweeping jester with hand* Now, into the book *shoves Tauski in*

-Chapter one, Dr. J's gone mad-

J: Heero, I have a new mission for you.

J: I need you to find and train this person

Heero: *Scans picture and Information*A different world, J must me crazier than previously suspected. Mission agnoleged. What have I gotten myself into?

-At that same time, all around the globe, four other people thought the same thing. With the five Gundam Pilots looking for him, he won't stay hidden for long.-

Tauski: is this Miaka's world . . . no, I've been there. Where am I? Is this a dream? AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (High pitched and girly sounding) *Tauski was not watching where he was going, and that resulted in him running strait into Duo. Tauski just stared at the person in front of him. The hair was longer than Nuriko's and Hotohori's Tauski looked down. Yep, definitely a guy. If he doesn't cross dress, then why is his hair so long? And his clothes!!!! *Duo was wearing his usual minister/priest uniform * Excuse me . . . *voice trails off* could you tell me where I am?

Duo: Your somewhere on Earth, now if you'll excuse me (hey, he didn't lie)

Tauski: Earth, so that's what this place is called. *Duo heard him, and for the first time, turned around to get a good look at him*

Duo: *eyes widen* I'm correct in assuming that you are Tauski?

Duo: Good. Then follow me. *Walks away leaving Tauski having to run after him*

Tauski: *Ohhs and Ahhs when they pass by stuff that he's never seen. After an hour of constantly asking "what's this. How does it work" Duo started to explain everything. *

Duo: Wait here *knocks on door*

Wufei: *opens door and glares around subspecialty. Tauski is really worried now. * (The GW boy are living on one of those communal houses that always pop up in fanfics, by the way)

Wufei: *looks put out* we have been looking for him for weeks and you, who never helped, strolls out and happens to find him. Injustice *continues ranting until Duo asks if they can come in. By this time Tauski had his fan out and looks ready to use it*

Wufei: *looks at fan* Why do you hold an interment of the women type?

Tauski: Hey! This is not for a woman! It symbolizes my place as bandit leader and one of the Suzaku seven. *Wufei looks at him like he was nuts*

Wufei: What does a stupid fan have to do with A) bandits and B) anything at all and C) why do you carry a stupid fan around in the first place lastly D) what is Suzaku and why are there 7 or any number at all?

Tauski: I could be smart and answer those questions as honestly as I can (man that's not saying much) however my temper is rising and I'm going to burn him to ashes! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha . . .

*All the others run out to the smell of burning hair gel*

Wufei: That answers A B C but not D so get talking! *Growls at Tauski*

Tauski: Dam you are a persistent guy even though you are totally BALD now.

Wufei: What the hell? You burned my hair off! It was my pride and joy! *Goes and gets the Shenlong*

Tauski: SO that's a "Gundam". Are they all like that?

*Massive sweat drops all around*

Wufei: *picks up Tauski in his Gundam's hand and brings it up to the face* Now you will tell me what I want to know! WHAT THE HELL IS SUSAKU!!!

Tauski: I think it's some big peacock thingy.

Wufei; you are in absolutely no position to be a smart aleck. I do read mangas.

Duo: So that's where my collection went! Give `em back Wufei!

Wufei: Manga? What is this "manga" you speak of?

Duo: DIE WUFEI!!! GIMMIE BACK MY MANGAS!

Wufei: ANYWAY! WHAT IS SUSAKU?

Tauski: In reality Suzaku is a god in Chinese legend. YOU look Chinese r so you SHOULD know this baldy. Don't ask why I'm speaking Japanese or English. The 28 constellations in the sky are divided into four sections; north, south, east, and west. Suzaku is the animal god of the southern sky she claims 7 of the constellations like the other gods. The names of the constellations in the southern sky are Tamahome, Hotohori, Chichiri, Nuriko, Chiriko, Mitsukake, and of course the most fucking cool of them all is TAUSKI! The legend says that a girl from another world will come and becomes Suzaku No Miko (priestess of Suzaku) and gather the seven constellations will have the power of Suzaku and have her wishes granted. She has already come and gone off (with Tamahome) however. And I have no idea how I got here except there was this bored author and…

Quatre: Yet another bored author and more anime characters sent off to other worlds until their fanfic is done, you poor guy.

Wufei: Thank you for explaining now I will crush you.

Tauski: What the hell? No way? *Starts to feel the hand tighten its grip.

Quatre: STOP IT WUFEI! WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE TRAINING THIS GUY!

Heero: I'm supposed to be training him thank you.

Trowa: He spoke! Whoops so did I.

Duo: Trowa used an exclamation point! What is happening to this world? Oh great god of death he's with Oz now!

Heero: *mumbles* he's off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz…

*Because Heero mumbles too loud everyone can hear him so sweat dropping became quite popular at this time*

Tauski: That's very nice and all but I can't breathe!

Quatre: Wufei…put him down, put him down gently, no dropping. Good boy, you can have a treat later.

Duo: Now I'll just take this victim *achem* trainee of Dr. J's twisted *achem* I mean perfectly sane choosing to the armory to begin his training in hand too hand combat. *Grabs Tauski who is sprawled out on the ground with the spinney eyes and drags him about 2 feet until…*

Heero: Where do you think you're going?

Duo: To the armory like I said to train him in hand to hand combat. Somebody's got to do it.

Duo: Why not? You never let me do what I want to do. I hate you!

Heero: Good for you. I'll send you the information to join the " I hate Heero Yuy fan club"

Duo: Yippee where do I sign up?

Duo: Blast it! (@aol.com)

Heero: ANYWAY! Duo you may train him in stealth since you're the best at that

Duo: A compliment from Mr. Yuy? Save it for Relena next time.

Wufei: Ooohhhhh big diss.

Heero: OMEO KADUSE! Anyway like I was saying, Duo trains him in stealth and Wufei in hand-to-hand combat, Trowa as useless as it is train him in acrobatics. Quatre catch him up in politics and world events, and I'll train him in Gundam piloting. (As an afterthought) And Hand to hand combat.

Duo: I'll train him first!

Heero: No let's get him up to speed in the world first. Otherwise he'll be totally lost. Quatre take over.

*Quatre drags Tauski to a huge auditorium and places Tauski in the prime front row seat. He then goes up to the podium and looks at his watch*

Quatre: 5.4.3.2.1 *tons of people pour into the auditorium and anxiously await Quatre's speech*

Quatre: WE ARE IN A WAR HERE PEOPLE!

Quatre: AND WE ARE GOING TO FIGHT THIS WAR!

Quatre: AND WHO WILL WIN THIS WAR? OZ OR THE COLONIES?

Crowd: The colonies! Yeah!

Quatre: AND WHO WILL FIGHT THIS WAR?

Crowd: The Gundams and Oz! Yeah!

Quatre: AND WHAT WILL THE GUNDAMS DO?

Crowd: The Gundams will save us all! Yeah!

Quatre: SO TELL ME, ARE YOU READY TO GO TO WAR?

Man in crowd: Well I just saw the most wonderful pair of shoes at J Crew can I go get them first?

Everybody: No, we're going to war! Yeah!

Quatre: This now concludes the war rally have a nice day. *Bows and crowd leaves*

Tauski: That taught me about as much as shit however the guy next to me explained it so it's cool.

Quatre: Great now on to the next lesson. *Drags Tauski over to Trowa* He's all yours buddy.

Trowa: All right let's go move, move, move! *Drags Tauski by the ear over to his circus tent* All right let's get down to business here. Do a cartwheel on that mat over there.

Tauski: What's a cartwheel?

Trowa: *smacks himself on the forehead* Like this *does a cartwheel*. Now move!

Tauski: o.k? *Tries a cartwheel and falls flat on his back* owie.

Trowa: *gets in Tauski's face* What was that? It wasn't a cartwheel so what was it?

Trowa: Don't talk back to me! Now get up and do a cartwheel! *whistle*

*Tauski does a really lousy cartwheel* that was horrible! You have to get your legs straight and it was all-wrong! Get up there and keep trying until you get it right! *After about two hours* Finally you did it! Now get up and try this *does the cool flippy thing with the twist in the air*

Tauski: Forget it. I think I've got enough acrobatic skills to get out of a spot if I needed to, so I quit.

Trowa: Congratulations you have passed the acrobatics area of your training you may now go see Duo. *drags Tauski to Duo* You take it from here Duo.

Duo: Yes I get to do something! *Cracks knuckles* All right first is this *pulls out a shinny silver cloak* this is my cloak of invisibility I got it when I was in a Harry Potter/Gundam Wing fanfic. It makes anything underneath it invisible. See? *Puts on cloak*

Tauski: Maybe these fanfic things aren't so bad always I guess.

Duo: This is the only good thing I've gotten. I've been killed before so this is one of the few perks.

Tauski: Fanfics bad got it.

Duo: Anyway these things are very handy so if you're in Harry Potter land pick one up this one is for me but there is one for my Gundam as well you can have this one.

Tauski: You really mean it? I can have it?

Duo: Yeah sure I'll go back sometime and pick another one out in Harry Potter land. Now down to business. Te secret of all stealth is to not be seen or caught. Always use the cloak to sneak around and take the back door. No body is ever at the back door and it's always left unguarded. I guess that's about it.

Tauski: That's it? *in a whiny voice* The other guys all yelled at me and were mean and kept me there for at least an hour!

Duo: I guess I'm just a nice guy. *rubs back of his head and smiles*

Tauski: So where to next?

Duo: Sorry but I have to send you to Wufei the guy that tried to kill you before.

Tauski: No fucking way! I'm not letting that guy train me! You can't leave me alone with him!

Duo: Sorry. Wufei! Come and get `em!

Wufei: *walks out of the shadows with an evil smile* ha ha ha ha ha….

Tauski: *horror stricken look on his face* No, no, NOOOO!

Duo: Nice no yell dude. Not as good as mine but good.

-Wufei drags Tauski to his training area.

Tauski: *puts on invisibility cloak* Ha ha, you can't see me, you can't see me, you can't see me,

Wufei: Where in the hell did you go? I demand you come out this minute. Maybe Duo trained him a little too well in stealth.

Tauski: You can't see me, you can't see me,

Wufei: Stop it right now! *Throws a punch into mid air right where Tauski just happens to be*

Tauski: ouch *falls down and cloak falls off and conveniently right into Tauski's pocket*

Wufei: Now I shall train you in the art of the marshal.

Tauski: The " art of the marshal"?

Wufei: I mean marshal's arts. Wait! T he-mar-shal-a-rts.

Wufei: Shut up. *Karate chops Tauski on the head*

Tauski: ouch. What'd ya do that for? *kicks Wufei in the stomach*

Wufei: Perhaps you are better than I expected. *starts fighting Tauski*

-Tauski begins fighting with Wufei they end up fighting for hours because they both refuse to lose and are both too good after about 5 hours the fight ends because they both simply collapse with fatigue the other pilots drag them to the hospital to be healed and after a week in the hospital they wake up totally healed.

Wufei: You are strong. Hence your trainings are complete and you may go to Heero. My only words are good luck,

Tauski: Geese thanks for the advice that sure helps me a whole lot!

Wufei: DO NOT TALK BACK TO THE CARATE MASTER!!!

Tauski: What-ever. *makes W sign with his fingers*

Wufei: HHHHEEEEEEEERRRRROOOOOOO!!!

Heero: *points gun all around* Where is Relena? Where is she?

Wufei: *cough cough baca cough* Here is the trainee. It's your turn.

Heero: Jerk you didn't have to act like Relena to make me come here. *puts gun away*

Wufei: What are you talking about? You never come unless we do the Relena Heero yell.

Heero: Whatever. *grabs Tauski and drags him to his training grounds* All right here is the deal. You do exactly what I say no questions asked and you just keep quiet and follow orders. Got it?

Tauski: Yup. *smiles really big*

Heero: Another thing NEVER smile while you are around me. It is not allowed as seeing you are me trainee and must obey me mwa ha ha ha ha ha!

Tauski: Scary laugh.

Duo: *rushes into the room and looks around* Heero you laughed and you didn't kill somebody first?

Heero: Oh my god I did!

Tauski: KILL someone?

Duo: Yeah he never laughs until he kills someone first. Well up until now anyway.

Heero: *shocked look on his face* I did my evil laugh without killing someone I am forever shamed. *looks like he's about to cry*

Duo: *walks over to Heero and puts his hand on his back* It's o.k. buddy. Everyone makes mistakes (just not you Heero). It's only human.

Heero: Human!? Human!? I'm not human! I'm Li Shoran I was trained all my life to NEVER make mistakes and now I LAUGHED without killing someone first!?! That was the first thing they taught me to do, "only laugh after you kill someone and never cry" and I did both of those things in the last 10 minutes!?!

Duo: Your real name is Li Shoran?

Heero: *sob* yes. And now I told you my real name!?

Duo: You were a card captor when you were little?!

Heero: Yes! Then Dr. J took me and made me a Gundam pilot and now I'm ruining my orders to train that guy! I've got to stop crying and get to work *wipes his eyes and sniffs*

Tauski: *sniff* It's all so sad! *sniff*

Heero: *everyone back to normal and Duo disappears* O.k. let's get the basics straight! This is a Gundam *points to Wing Zero* Mine will not be for your training because A) it has the zero system in it and you will go insane if you use it and B) You will most likely break it. So you can use Shenlong.

Tauski: Witch one is that?

Heero: It's the one over there. With the two dragonheads for arms. I think you will like it because it can shoot fire out of the dragonheads.

Tauski: Yippee fire! *jumps into the Gundam*

Heero: *sweatdrop* Anyway you will temporarily pilot that until your scientist (whoever it is) crates your Gundam.

Tauski: Cool I can piss that guy off even more!

Heero: That's not why I gave you that Gundam! I gave it to you because if you break it I will be even with him because the last trainee blew up my Gundam with the self-destruct button.

Tauski: Self-destruct button?

Heero: Yes don't touch it!

Tauski: Witch button is it?

Heero: The one labeled "self destruct button" in really big letters.

Tauski: O.K. I see it.

Heero: Don't touch it!

Tauski: Got it. Do not hit the big red self-destruct button. Very tempting.

Heero: Now first things first, put on your seatbelt.

Tauski: What's a seatbelt?

Heero: You don't know what a seatbelt is?

Tauski: I'm from ancient China how am I supposed to know!

Heero: O.k. then place the straps attached to your seat over your head and attach them with the buckle to the ones on the bottom of your seat.

Tauski: Done now what?

Heero: Grab the joystick thingies and steer yourself around to where you want to go.

Tauski: *makes the Gundam crash straight into a wall* was that supposed to happen?

Heero: No you idiot! Make it walk over to that opposite wall over there.

Tauski: No problem. *makes Gundam walk over to the other wall*

Heero: Much better. Now try using the weapon.

Tauski: What is the weapon?

Heero: The big double-ended trident attached to the back.

Tauski: This thing? *whips the trident out and knocks down a wall*

Heero: Yes but be more careful next time you take out a weapon.

Tauski: All right. *in a whiny voice*

-After about 4 days Tauski became a skilled Gundam pilot after nearly destroying the Shenlong Custom and completely destroying the training area.

Heero: Now there are just a few more things we need to clear up before you are a true GP.

Tauski: What else do you have to teach me!

Heero: I must teach you how to fence.

Tauski: Fence? You mean sword fight?

Heero: No I said how to fence and when you fence with someone you must always do this *Heero and Tauski magically have fencing suits on and swords so Heero does the thing where he shoves the broken sword through the helmet*

Tauski: Oh. I can do that no problem watch *does Heero's thing*

Heero: You must be a well-trained swordsman to pull that off on me.

Tauski: I am a good swordsman and now my training is complete and I get a Gundam! *Jumps around yelling/singing* Yippee! Yippee! Wahoo!

Heero: Now all you have to do is pick a letter of the alphabet to be your mad scientist *ahem* I mean doctor and then he will build you a Gundam.

Tauski: Why a letter of the alphabet?

Heero: There are only 26 people in the world capable of making a Gundam. All of their last names are only a single letter and they are all abnormal looking old men with very psychotic capabilities.

Tauski: So you're telling me that all I have to do is pick a letter of the alphabet and some old guy with that letter as his last name will make me my own Gundam?

Heero: That's about it. Oh, and they give you the missions.

Tauski: Who is "they"?

Heero: Ya know them *points up to the ceiling*

Tauski: Oh you mean them? (draw your own conclusions it's 11:22 p.m. and I didn't sleep last night)

Heero: Yeah. So witch letter?

Tauski: Uummmmm… (a-b-c-d-e-f-g-h-I-j-k-l-m-n-o-p-q-r-s-t-u-v-w-x-y-z) I pick L.

Heero: All right Dr. L it is. I'll send them an email right away so you can get your new Gundam.

Tauski: Cool so now what?

Heero: Well you can hang with us a while or you can do whatever you want.

Author: *in a singy voice* Oh Tauski…

Author: I'm done with the fanfic so you can come back now!

Tauski: But I was having fun! I don't wanna go!

Author: Shut up and c'mon I have work to do!

Author: A new fic I'm working on now move it! I need all the Gundam pilots!

Tauski: I'm a Gundam pilot!