The Leichtenstein Monkey Goes to Hell

 Not long ago, in a quiet cabin in the forests of West Virginia, a man was working in the seclusion of his cabin on a new breed of pet for his grandchildren. His plan for the final product was a cross between a slug, a trout, a cow, a louse, and an ear mite. However, when he began working, he accidentally spilled genes from a rare carnivorous monkey into the mix.

After about two weeks, the new creature was ready to be removed from the incubator. The name that the madman gave the monkey was derived from the country of his origin. It was called the Leichtenstein Monkey. Ond day, the man was feeding the monkey when it bit off his finger. After getting this taste of blood, the louse, ear mite, and monkey in him came out, and the monkey killed the man. He disappeared into the forest, where he roamed freely for about a year.

Finally, the monkey found a boy playing in the forest. The human was very fat, and well, pretty stupid too. The monkey was actually very smart, and he had learned to speak in one of the dialects of the Zulu people of Africa. "wiaghaa g iha;ga gehiag e!!" screamed the monkey as he pounced from the tree above the fat boy. After he ate him, he saw a sign on a nearby tree that read, "Reward-1 zillion dollars to anyone that gives info leading to the capture and destruction of a monkey who killed an old man in his cabin."

Because he knew little English, the monkey thought is said, "Reward-1 zillion bananas to anyone who finds a monkey." With that, the monkey went into town, and strolled into the police station. "I'm dee muunkey," said the monkey. "Look JimBob, it's a monkey," said the chief. The monkey repeated himself, "I'm dee muunkey." "Well ain't the little critter cute," said JimBob. Finally, the monkey said it once more, "I'M DEE MUUUUNKEY!!!" "It's him!" cried the chief, and all of the police emptied their weapons into the poor Leichtenstein Monkey.

Soon the monkey heard a voice, "Walk toward the old man with the cigar." He complied, and he was before God. "Because you did not understand what you have done wrong, you shall be admitted to heaven."

"What do you eat?" asked the monkey in Zulu.

"Great food from Roy's."

"Really?"

"This is Heaven you know."

"Don't you flame broil it?"

"No, no, you must be thinking of the other place".

Just then a voice boomed, "I haaaate this place!!" "So I can't cook my bananas?" asked the monkey?

"I'm afraid not," replied God.

"Then screw you," said the monkey, "and send me where I can cook them."

"If you say so."

POOF!

The monkey looked about him and saw nothing but columns of flame shooting into the air. Almost immediately, Satan stood before the monkey. "Welcome to my happy home," he sneered. "You look mighty tasty," said the monkey, as he rubbed his tummy, "I like hot wings." Satan ignored him. "agkh aisrhaoi airaighao ihaieaeh!!!" cried the monkey as he jumped upon Satan and tore his trident from his hand. Before ole Satan could react, the monkey shoved the 3-pointed fork up Lucifer's fiery nose. He left out a flaming burp and fell dead. Everyone rejoiced in the slaying of Satan, and made the monkey the new ruler of the underworld. The monkey didn't like the way the place was decorated though, so he sold out to Wal-Mart. And to this day, the monkey lives in a condo in Palm Beach, enjoying his muuney.