Retro Review: In Your House, Feb 96'

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=82 BGCOLOR="#006699" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>whacked Out wrestling (wOw)</B></FONT><B>     |     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="whacked Out wrestling (wOw)"><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <div> <B>Retro Review: In Your House, Feb 96'</B>   |   <A HREF="id57.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Wrestling Headlines with commentary"><U>Wrestling Headlines with commentary</U></A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=210 BGCOLOR="#FFCC66" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <IMG SRC="11ab1870.jpg" border=0 width="177" height="135" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=398 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <I>Retro Review: In Your House, Feb 96'</I></div> <div> IN Your House February 1996.</div> <bR> <div> From: Louisville, Kentucky, now known as Siberia for those not on TV.</div> <bR> <div> Free for All:</div> <bR> <div> Todd Pettingill comes out of his house and tries to psyche up the crowd. It works, because people in Kentucky are idiots. It's true, it's damn true. Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler do some hyping up that makes me long for the skill <B>snicker</B> of Michael Cole and Tazz. Talk about Bret Hart's win, Test ,er, Diesel (I always get those two mixed up) trying to get it back, and Undertaker in his Hurricane-wannabe mask trying to get the title. Basic hype of the cage match between Bret and Diesel. Not memorable.</div> <bR> <div> Michael Hayes/Dok Hendrix/Hardy Bitch interviews Bret Hart. More proof that Hart needed to be screwed by Vince, if only to have something to say besides being "the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be." Claims Nash as a "former friend of his" in a statement that apparently gains humor with time. Nearly fall asleep.</div> <bR> <div> TATANKA (with Ted DiBiase) vs. JAKE ROBERTS  (w/John Barleycorn)</div> <bR> <div> Has there ever been a Free For All/  PPV HeaT match worth watching? For obvious reasons, Roberts looks like your typical "Guy in Wifebeater on Cops". Crowd dead for both wrestlers, and you could hear them pipe in music for Roberts (no, it wasn't by Afroman.) The two start typical "rest grappling", with Tatanka, BUFFALO, actually looking good for once. Tatanka BUFFALO goes to find DiBiase, who tells him to "share your firewater and you'll beat him." Roberts grapples, then manages to botch the DDT. They run a little bit, Roberts attacks DiBiase, goes back in the ring where he and Tatanka BUFFALO get into PUNCH AND KICK MODE. Vince and King advertise how they're giving out free AOL disks for this PPV's customers, mainly because they couldn't afford anything good. The two trade rest moves, then Jake fights back with the worst punches I'd seen in this time period. Jake finally hits the DDT, tries to pin Tatanka while he's on his stomach, turns him over, the win, then uses his snake in a way that doesn't simulate masturbation for once (though it does involve the snake's head getting toward Tatanka's mouth area…)  Match was typical Free For All fare: DUD.</div> <bR> <div> Vince proceeds to talk to Ray Rougeau and Sunny with the hotline. Sunny takes the winners, before Rougeau tells her she'd have to deal with Jake's snake. She's angry, mostly because Jake wouldn't share his crack after she blew him in the locker room. And from crack addicts to…</div> <bR> <div> Todd Pettingill urging people to call for PPV. Typical stuff. Reasons to love Cole/Tazz: On HeaT before PPV, they don't tell people as shamelessly as Pettingill did to "ORDER NOW!" Typical hyping of the Michaels/Owen Hart match up, before Michaels attacks Michael Hayes and talks about the Clique's antics with 12 year old boys. </div> <bR> <div> Pettingill hypes the WWF stores, back when they only had shirts of Undertaker, Bret Hart, and Clique members (Hey, I still wear my Aldo Montoya, Portugese Man of War, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Greenwich Snob, and 1-2-3 Kid shirts religiously), followed by more shilling, then an interview between Vader and Pettingill. Pettingill proves why he isn't skilled as an announcer, Jim Cornette talks about owning j00, before claiming "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO VADER." Man, if Jim Cornette is added to Vader's camp to give him charisma, maybe he shouldn't have given up the day job on Boy Meets World. </div> <bR> <div> PPV STARTS, and for no apparent reason, here's Sunny in a bikini!</div> <bR> <div> Your hosts are Vince and the King.</div> <bR> <div> RAZOR RAMON vs. THE 1-2-3 KID (with Ted DiBiase)</div> <bR> <div> The 1-2-3 Kid, as we all know, is more well known as X-Pac (SUCKS!) while Razor Ramon, as we all know, is more well known as that guy on the street corner do anything for change so he can get loaded. Match is the infamous "Crybaby Match", appropriately made between two crybabies. Match actually starts out promising ::coughCLIQUEMEMBERScough::, possibly because The Kid could do the stuff that he gets torn a new asshole for now and seem "cool." A whole bunch of cool stuff occurs, but none that I could name because I'm much more of a "spot" writer than a typical recapper. The King screams about how he wants to see Razor Ramon in a diaper while The Kid keeps the advantage. The more I look at these matches, the more I realize these gimmicks could make it now. Someone could theoretically work a gimmick similar to The Kid as a heel (well, if X-Pac wasn't STILL DOING IT), while the gimmick of some guy who's always drunk or on coke…what, that's not Razor Ramon's gimmick? The Kid gets a sleeper hold on while on Ramon's back, while both look a LITTLE too happy about it for their own good. Some more spots are actually used after the rest hold, until Ramon signals for the Razor's Edge (tee hee…he named it after cocaine…)  Two count, until Razor realizes no one wants to see either one in a diaper just yet. One more Razor's Edge follows , then Razor wins for the prize of seeing Sean Waltman fed from something filled with white liquid (INSERT PATTERSON JOKE HERE),put some white powder on him (INSERT SCOTT HALL JOKE HERE), and put a diaper on him (Does it even need a joke inserted?)  **.5 stars, plus half a * for being the first match not involving an evil Japanese person gimmick to use the "Baby Powder in the face" spot to bring an end to it possibly ever.</div> <bR> <div> Goes back to Ray/Sunny. Between Sunny, Hall, and Roberts, were they trying to get all the drug addicts out of the way ASAP? </div> <bR> <div> More props to the WWF Hotline, saying you must be 18+ despite no 18+ person being willing to call that stuff.</div> <bR> <div> HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY vs. DUKE "THE DUMPSTER" DROESE.</div> <bR> <div> Helmsley actually starts by a surprise, by actually coming in with a female who was (apparently) born a woman! SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME, SHOCK ME with that NORMAL behavior. Droese comes in and brings the hurt, leading to the question: When will the WWF bring him back to make the Ultimate opponent for Triple H at some show? Both wrestlers do what they're best at: Droese with his brawling ability (surprisingly okay for a Wrestlecrapper) while Helmsley basically played the coward. Sells how Helmsley had cut off Duke "The Dumpster's" hair beforehand, which wasn't illogical considering Helmsley was Ed Leslie to the Clique's Hulk Hogan at this point…They try to claim that the match is "action-packed" to hide how sub-par it was. Quick "Clique don't job" finish: Trash compactor, Droese attempts to use a garbage can on Helmsley (what does he think it is, a 2000 Hardcore title match?), Helmsley hits him with the lid for the win. Not…too bad, but more proof Triple H just gets better with age. **</div> <bR> <div> More shameless shilling, then it's time for more action…</div> <bR> <div> BRITISH BULLDOG (w/ Jim Cornette) vs. YOKOZUNA</div> <bR> <div> If this was on TV any other time, this wouldn't be a great match. Between the British Bulldog, a wrestler who was a good worker for about a week, and Yokozuna, who I've never understood the props for his skill- IMHO, he was a very mediocre worker). Typical match for both of them: Bulldog trying to be his former self, Yokozuna just doing the same schtick that Rikishi does now, save for the Stinkface stuff. More general stuff. Note to whoever books this: When the British F'N Bulldog is giving the best athletic showcase in the match, it's usually a hint to move far from the other guy (which happened soon after this match, IIRC.) Clusterfuck of Team Cornette starts, DQ to Yokozuna. .5 *. Well, at least you could see they were trying to put on a match for once…</div> <bR> <div> Shill for their AOL chat, including Goldust fondling a nameless bald guy typing.</div> <bR> <div> OWEN HART (w/Jim Cornette) vs. SHAWN MICHAELS </div> <bR> <div> Michaels starts out dancing on top of Pettingill's pad, doing more to prove to people his gimmick was that of a male prostitute. He kicks out Owen and does his "Cash for Ass" dance to the people in the ring, giving him one of the longest entrances possible (roughly one and two-thirds of his theme music's length.) Michaels stalls…then shoves…then stalls again…and this guy's supposed to be a great worker? Hart starts to apparently mock him, before Michaels starts hitting some moves. Two get into an "EXTREME HEADLOCK" matchup, first with Owen, then with Shawn…Finally starts to be what you'd expect from a Shawn/Owen match. Oh, wait, my mistake…more rest moves. More rest moves. Did you ever get tickets to the hottest show in legitimate stage, then go to find out all the stars are sick, then replaced themselves with untalented understudies? This is what I believe happened here, only replace "understudies" with "pod people". More weak stuff, then finally Michaels wins it (unfortunately, wOw chat measures led me to miss the end of it.) Either way, both wrestlers could have done much better.</div> <bR> <div> Rowdy Roddy Piper basically talks about Michaels being number one contender, Yokozuna being fat, etc. </div> <bR> <div> TEST, 1996 ERA (er, DIESEL) vs. BRET HART</div> <bR> <div> Main event: In the OLD  SCHOOL CAGE. Two size each other up, then start to brawl. Continue to brawl. Man, all you Clique marks have REALLY short attention spans…A lot of stuff happens, but circumstance prevents me from seeing it. Eh, should I cover for my slackery by stealing from Scott Keith?  Eh, not necessary. Typical cage match, only with a surprising finish that you could not see coming. Eh, ½ *. </div> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>