Fun Stuff
Jokes
A State Trooper
pulls a car over on a lonely back road and
approaches the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason
that you're weaving all over the road?"
"Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I
almost had an accident.
I looked up and there was a tree right
in front of me. I swerved to the left and
there was another tree in front of me.
I swerved to the right and there was another
tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the
rear view mirror, the officer replied,
"Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
A lady
walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, Do
you have Viagra? Yes, he answered. She asked, Does it work? Yes,
he answered. Can you get it over the counter? she asked.
I can if I take two, he answered.
Two cars
are involved in an accident; it's a bad one, a
man in one and a woman in the other. Both of their cars
are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So
you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just
look at our cars! There's nothing left,
but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together
in peace for the rest of our days.
Flattered, the man replied, Oh yes, I agree with you
completely! This must be sign from God!
The woman continued, And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle
of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his
head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and
then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to the man.
The man asks, Aren't you having any? The woman replies,
No. I think I'll just wait for the police.
Breasts are like electric trains
They're made for kids yet
somehow Daddy always ends up
playing with them!
Eight people
were clinging to a swinging
rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on
Mount Etna
Seven were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.
If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone
would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she
would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.
Genie
Three guys are on a lake fishing from a boat;
when one of them snagged a lamp.
The other two were saying: Rub the lamp, Rub the Lamp.
Sure enough, out pops a Genie!
I'll grant you just one wish, says the Genie.
I want this lake turned into beer!
No! No! yelled the other two!
Too late, the lake was filled with beer!
Now we gotta piss in the boat!
Prosecutor:
Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the
penalty for murder.
Regrettable Statements
You'll be perfectly safe behind this much lead plate.
That's not smoke, that's steam.
Of course it's sterile.
Well, we're the next best thing to a bank.
That should be at least enough gas to make it across Nevada.
It's so tame you can put your head in its mouth.
It was fresh just last week.
These are the safe kind of mushrooms.
It should be ok to swim in.
He's been a perfectly safe driver ever since his first Model T.
Clip the red wire first.
It's ok to format this disk.
It's supposed to make that noise.
It's pretty much grounded.
It doesn't look like the bridge is out.
They only attack when they're hungry.
I can hold my breath at least that long.
The boss won't mind.
It shouldn't take long to reach Anchorage.
Let's ask those soldiers for directions.
It'll shrink in the wash.
Jason won't find us in this closet.
I'm sure I turned my lights off.
I bet I can fit in there
