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My Grandmother
Gertrude Ann Newnum harris
1917-1997
My grandmother was an absolutely awesome woman. I was so lucky to have had her in my life. I knew it would be one of the most difficult days of my life when she passed away and it was...but as I look back now I can see so many wonderful gifts she gave me, and in many ways, the way she has left her legacy here with us.
My grandmother was a child of divorce. This was QUITE uncommon at the time and something I think which shaped her entire destiny. She adored her father but still I think there was a deep hurt that she felt that she had been abandoned by him. I never knew the exact whole story, but I do know her father was always a big part of her life even if she didn't live with him.
His nickname for her was "Nan" and from the time she was born she was called nothing else. She was born in Havre de Grace, Maryland and later raised in and around Wilmington, Delaware. Her father was a conductor on a train. One of her greatest treasures was his pocket watch which had a secret little compartment in the back with his picture in it.
Her high school sweetheart was a young man named Vincent Harris. He was from a very poor but loving family - two older sisters and three brothers, he was next to the last. One of the funny stories she used to tell was how, during the war, he gave her nylons and her mother made her return them because this was a completely improper and inappropriate gift. He later returned with a muff.
Her career goal was to become a teacher and she especially loved home economics and so went off to college at Mary Washington College in Fredericksburg, Virginia. This was a wonderful experience and she had so many stories of dormitory life in this all girls college. She would ride the train to the town and then they would be picked up and taken to the school. They had to dress for dinner every evening. Colleges at that time, for women, were more like finishing schools but I know she also worked very hard and eventually graduated with a major in home economics and minors in science. This lady was NO dummy. One of the funny stories she told me from college always cracks me up. Once you realize how staid and formal the school was, filled with southern gentility and charm...then it may be the funniest visualisation you'll ever have.
One evening she was late for supper and had to use the restroom. She ran in and just back quickly into the stall, dropping trou and firmly sat on the lap of her house mother. I howl every time I think of it.
Her biggest revelation at college was that her name was NOT Nan. They had never told her that truly her name was Ann, she had absolutely NO clue. This would later cause problems with her social security when she retired since her life until she started working was "Nan" and her life after that was "Ann."
After college, she worked in a high school in Philadelphia. Teachers back then were still not allowed to be married and when she got engaged at Christmas that year, she had to keep it a secret. Eventually though, she and Vincent were married. He went back to college and also became a teacher.
My grandmother was not the mushy, huggy, warm cookies and milk after school type. No, her role model seemed to be more Attila the Hun than anyone else. She was a rigid disciplinarian who demanded perfect manners, respect and obedience from everyone in the household. If you could give her these things, she gave you lovem respect, nurturing. If you couldn't, life could be a veritable hell.
Shortly after they married, she and Vince began adopting their family. My mother came first at the age of five, then my aunt Sandy who was 3 years older I think and finally my aunt Susan who was 7 years younger than my mother. None of them had had optimal lives and really only knew neglect and abuse. They also had a son of their own, Blair Vincent. It was one of my grandmother's greatest heartache's that he died of dehydration following an illness at the age of just two.
Their home was a happy if disciplined one. While the parents were teaching, they fully expected the girls to keep house and everyone had chores and they were expected to be complete. My grandmother enjoyed entertaining and so the house was to be just so. I have driven by that home... a small ranch-style bungalow in Brookside, Newark, Delaware.
Despite her rigid demeanor, my grandmother's girls adored her. My mother sent her a dozen roses every year on the anniversary of the day they brought her home to live with them. It was no secret my mother, Beth, was her favourite daughter. This raised tension in the family sometimes but my grandmother never betrayed her heart. This was just the way it was.
My aunt Sandy got married and moved out to start her own family. Another tragedy occured with Susan as the state could not keep her in foster care and placed her back with her family. The summer of 1962, my grandfather developed bladder cancer and was dead within weeks. My grandmother was 45 years old. That summer, my mother also became pregnant with me.
My grandmother did not like my mother's beau and made it clear. Even after they married that September and moved in with her to help her out, she could never accept my father and when I was just three months old, he left. To my grandmother I was the most precious person in the world. It was this sequence of events that led to the most powerful relationship with the only person that ever truly loved me, my grandmother.
I can remember all the way back to when I was in my crib. Maybe it was because my grandmother loved me so very much, I WANT to remember those times. We lived with her in a little ranch house on Millwright Drive in Newark Delaware. I can remember the pink tiled bathroom and bathtime, I remember watching Lawrence Welk with her. I remember watching, fascinated, as she created a new outfit from scratch, cutting the fabric, sewing it and then even dying shoes to match as she got ready for NEA conventions. I even remember her sitting on me to clean my ears :) I was her buddy and she took me everywhere. She was so proud of me. I was always welcome in her friend's homes and I behaved perfectly and was always incredibly comfortable with adults. My vocabulary at three was amazing and I attribute it to her and in taking me with her to school or to her colleagues homes. I never had a lack of attention or books being read to me.
It broke my heart in a million pieces when my mother remarried and we moved. I missed my grandmother so very much. When she would come to visit us, I would become hysterical sobbing as she drove away. I hated to think of her all alone and I hated to think of ME all alone without her.
As I grew up, she made sure I had everything a little girl needed. My parents were abusive and I was often neglected by them in favour of their own daughter but my grandmother stood by me and loved me more than she ever had to make up for it. When I was 7, she remarried, to Vince's older brother Harold who had also lost his wife and then, every summer, I would spend it with them at their home in Pittsburgh, PA. It was the only normal life I knew and I CRAVED those summers. I don't think I'd be the person I am had they not showed me this attention and love.
My grandmother was so proud of everything I did and this made me want to be the best in whatever I did to MAKE her proud of me. I was first chair in flute, on the state championship It's Academic team, an exchange student. She was so very proud of my determination and abilities. I am sure she bored many people with her bragging about me :)
While I was an exchange student, she made sure I had pocket money (my parents couldn't) and also I remember the one thing I missed was ketchup and she made sure to send me Heinz ketchup eveyr few months. She would send me papers and even corsages when the Pirates won the World Series. She never forgot me.
When the time came to go to college, I selected a private women's college about 20 minutes from her and I have been here basically ever since.
I'll never forget how she held me and cried during my wedding when we exchanged the sign of peace and I have her a single rose. My mother had died three years earlier and since that time, my grandmother had started to really decline. You could tell that when my mother died, a large part of my grandmother did too.
She was still as devoted to me as ever and of course, I was faithfully devoted to her. I will never forget her delight in holding MY son after he was born. She had never really liked babies but instantly loved my son, loved holding him and adored when he visited her.
Two years ago, diagnosed with dementia and suffering from chronic congestive heart failure, her body couldn't take it anymore and in the early morning os 4 March 1997, after I had held her and tried to comfort her - she died in the arms of her husband of 27 years.
As I write this I have tears in my eyes because I do miss my Mom Mom so very much. I miss hearing her voice and knowing she was just 20 minutes away. I miss feeling loved that completely by another person.
My grandmother was indeed an awesome person who had a heart as deep and as wide as the heavens. That woman could scare the bejeezus out of a high school kid who was headed in the wrong direction and she could also make a poor little girl who was neglected and alone feel like she could achieve anything in the world if she just tried hard enough.
I wish she could be here this weekend to see me graduate with my engineering degree. She knew I was in school and was very proud of me for going back. Its fitting that my degree should be conferred on Mother's Day.
MomMom, this is for you.
