Dealing With the N.P.
("Needy Patient")
in the EMS Setting

It's bound to happen eventually. Sooner or later, we as EMS professionals have to deal with that most annoying of all calls, the needy patient. Opey's Dictionary of Medicine defines a needy patient as follows: "Any patient, reguardless of race, color, creed or income, who not only seeks medical attention, but expunge off the very life-force of the care-giver." Needy Patients, or NP's commonly have exaggerated symptoms which seem to fluctuate or change, depending on the attention payed to them. "NP's are increasing at an alarming rate each year", states another paramedic with my EMS. "These leech-like cretins need us to suck dry." Indeed, alarming statistics do show that the NP is increasing, and more upsetting is that they often run in packs. Very often one NP plays the victim, while other NPs nearby feed off the energy of the pseudo-suffering involved. Thus, there might be a witness NP ("I saw the whole thing!"), caregiver NP ("I'm the one who held her hand!!"), etc. The etiology of just why the NP exists or how it remains unclear. "When you get out on the scene of a sick patient and 12 other NPs standing around be-moaning, it's like some sick orgy!" says an EMT-I from my EMS.

Symptoms for an NP vary, with various degrees becoming evident. Some NPs get worse with family around, others start out acting normal only to "ambush" the poor suckers treating them enroute to the hospital. Look for the following symptoms fo an NP:

  1. F.E.S. "Fluttering Eye Syndrome
  2. Psedo-Syncope/Memory Loss/ Seizures, etc.
  3. Exaggerated deep breathing, sighs, or gasps, especially with movement.
  4. Changing details about an incident (ex."No, I didn't get knocked out"...5 minutes later "I'm... I'm not sure...")
  5. Needing the paramedic to find the patient's purse/keys/coat or call friends/family/ priest or feed the cat on the way out.
  6. Needing the medic to hold their hand, constantly reassure them and massage their very soul.
  7. Complain about falling from the stretcher or "nausea" from the rough ride.
  8. Tear-jerking sobs of displeasure.

NPs are just as likely to thank a caregiver or write them up for not caring enough. Treatment of an ALS nature is usually not secondary to an NP, not only because it is usually not needed, but because an NP leeches on to the caring emotions, pillow fluffing, hand-holding, blanket-rolling, etc. of the caregiver. In conclusion, try to keep things in perspective when treating an NP. Try the following:

  1. "Tell them they're full of shit"
  2. Go along with the complaint, remembering that the poor slobs at the hospital have to deal with it longer than you.
  3. Convince the Needy Patient that their injuries are in fact worse than they think and probably fatal.

(Opey is a burned out paramedic for his EMS. He hopes to grow old, become an NP, and irritate the hell out of some poor EMS slob)


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