This simple rule has caused more conflict in my life than anything in my past, I never had to be completely accountable for my actions in this way. Let me start from the beginning...
I was raised southern Baptist... now, I realize that alone explains everything, but I'll go in to detail (I like to rant).
So, what this means as far as religion goes, is that I was taught to believe that there is one, and only one God and that this God was one and the same as the "Holy Trinity". I was taught that the third person in the Trinity is Jesus Christ, and in order for me to be a "saved soul" and ensure my passing on to heaven, I had to accept him into my heart, and believe that through his death I was allowed to be "saved from hell." To a young child, this was a very frightening thought, and it was instilled in me so strongly that to this day I have nightmares about all the "lessons" I was taught and the punishments I am told I will reap. Now this causes some distress, since I no longer believe this God is the one true God, nor do I believe that this fairy tale is the true way to salvation...
I have always known that something about the Christian faith just didn't feel right, but by doubting my faith, I doubted my true salvation and my ability to enter heaven. I was terrified of the demons that I was taught waited for me to backslide so they could steal my soul. I was told that they would enter your home at night to torment the unsaved. I remember being so terrified that I was not truly saved, that my Christianity was false and that I had not been forgiven for my sins. I was constantly asking Jesus to save my soul and always feeling that even so, I was doomed to hell. I wondered if my coming to Christ had been from my heart or if I had done it because it was expected. All this carried on from early childhood until after my first child was born. Nothing could reassure me, and I never felt sure of my final destination. I spent so many sleepless nights wondering how I could make myself feel safe. Finally I came to the conclusion that this faith was destroying my life, not making it a better one. So, I spent the next few months doing a lot of crying, and a lot of hiding from myself. I had no idea what I believed, and worse yet, what to teach my child... After my second son was born, I decided it was time to do something about it. I began reading everything about religions I could get my hands on. Then, I found a book on Wicca. A lot of it scared me, especially the idea of spells and magick. To my brain, these were the tools of the Devil, and witches were simply the devil's whores. But the more I read, the more it became clear that what I had been taught was more out of fear caused by ignorance. I didn't have to worry about God sitting up in the clouds writing down every mistake I made, my God and Goddess were right here with me, and in me the entire time. I simply needed to learn how to see them. I actually felt whole for the first time ever. Now, this is not to say life has been wonderful ever since. As I mentioned, I am new to Wicca, and there are nights when I can still "feel" demons in my room, and awful spirits waiting to capture my soul hiding in the bathroom mirror. Now, I know that all this sounds totally psychotic, but I'm still learning to face my fears. Of course, being a rational non Christian adult, I can look back at these and see the insanity in these teachings, but as a child, they were true, and much scarier than the monsters under the bed. Well, now that you've heard the insanity that was my life, let's get to the happy part of it.
I am a solitary Wiccan, I do not have a coven, nor do I claim any traditional craft. As a Wiccan I have been learning to live my life in a completely different way than I have at any point in my life. I am learning that ALL life is precious, not just human, and that the God and Goddess are a part of everything I see, and hear, and feel. They are the air, the rocks, the trees, the bugs, my children, the water that I drink, the food that I eat... They are an aspect of my life that I am never apart from. This simple belief has changed my life, and made me who I am today. I feel tuned into my world, and I now know the world is in tune with me.
Being a mom, most of my recreational activities include my 2 boys. I would have to say that our favorite "outing" would be the zoo, although the park is a close second. Eion loves the elephants, and Colin just enjoys sitting back and pulling hair. :) As far as personal time goes, my current thing is my garden. I love to watch things grow, knowing that each one is a bit of deity right in my own yard.
I'm a fairly new Wicca, so I have been doing a ton of herb hunting and practicing my magick. I'm always on the hunt for books or sites that can give me more insight on this faith. I find it comforting to read different opinions of my faith. In each opinion, or idea, or walk of faith, I can build my faith, and make it my own.
I guess right now, this site is my hobby. I want this to say exactly what I feel, and it seems I have been changing it on a daily basis. That's the wonderful thing about growing, your ideas and ways of thinking change from day to day. I guess that's how we establish a faith, working through the things that are wrong, to finally find the one thing that is perfectly right for us.
If you'd like to know more about this faith, please see my links page. I have included a link to an online course for beginning Wicca, as well as many other helpful links. If you have any that you'd like to share, please e-mail them to me. I'd be happy to check them out.
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