Tallahassee Breakthrough

So tomorrow I move and not to Tallahassee. The closer it gets, the more tempted I am to call the whole thing off. I am so grateful to those who have agreed to help me move that I hate to `use up' their generosity on relocating to anywhere except Tallahassee.

Why can't I live where I want? I thought once I was an adult, I would be able to live my life where and how I wanted to. I work hard (okay, not as hard as I could), I'm a good and honest, responsible adult… why can't I go back home?

I hear of people (like my ex-boss) moving there and I feel like a spoiled kid, wanting to stomp my feet at the injustice. "She didn't go to school there! She didn't find her authenticity there! Tallahassee isn't the first and only place where she felt safe and welcomed! Why does SHE get to live there?! She won't appreciate it like I do…" as I cross my arms and stomp my feet, bottom lip protruding in angst. I don't want to have to "wait until the right time."

Why can't now be the right time? Why? I've lived here 6 years longer than I wanted, establishing my career and am just as much in debt as I was 6 years ago! That wasn't part of the deal!!! Either a.) I live in Orlando where the job market is better and get financially stable so I can visit Tallahassee as much as I want with season tickets to the football and basketball games or b.) I live in Tallahassee barely surviving check to check. It was an "either/or" deal here.

I don't want to stay here… I soooo want to go back to Tallahassee… it's not to relive my college years. I'm physically too old to do that. If I had that much self-discipline today, I wouldn't have this problem…

*** you know, I just had a break- through. I just censored my answer… my original thought was "If I had that much self-discipline today, I would be living in Tallahassee working my butt off to have the life that I want…"

I didn't want to type that because it would mean I would have to accept responsibility. I couldn't be mad at fate or wonder why God didn't allow this one simple request to surface. It would mean, once again, I would have to realize my life has to dramatically change to have the life that I want. I am still here after 6 years because I am doing what I have been doing for 6 years, taking the easy way out.

This is why I write, for self-awareness. I tried to call a couple of people to whine in the hopes of getting "Awww, poor Shelly… It's not fair that you can't be in Tallahassee like you want" but they were unavailable. That was a blessing.

I wrote a piece for New Years called "Fly" and sent it to 4 people… it was very personal. Two of the people responded. One said it was an inspiration for her to look at/change her own life. The other came from a college professor who is a stickler for writing. Her response has been engraved in my heart. Here is an excerpt:

First let me say that you are an incredible writer! Please do not ever let go of this wonderful talent. I am sure this is a blessed release for you personally, but it is also a great gift to your readers. A book of reflections or essays on life would be very publishable.

The format was quite effective... Your interpretation is unique and meaningful to you and you have expressed it very well. At first read (before looking at your treatment of it), I felt it was about loss - loss of a loved one, a dream, etc. It even seemed to have hints of loss of self. You turned this completely around for me and showed how flying could be a positive thing. I am still not sure of one thing, however: Are you flying toward or away from life? Thank you for sharing this brief glimpse into your intimate spaces.

The point is, I wrote the `Fly' piece to calm the havoc within myself… it was too late to call anyone, so I just sat down at the keyboard and vented. A couple days later, I read what I had written and was amazed at how good it was! Not only did it clear my emotions, it resulted in a fine literary piece that I just may get published one day… that is… as long as I quit waiting passively for `the right time' and actively create `the right time.' I will. I'd do anything to move back to Tallahassee. It's time I put my writing where my mouth is. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some planning to do.

I read your Tallahassee breakthrough. My advice is to follow your instinct and desires. The worst thing to live with in life is regrets. Life is not always guarantee to anyone, so while we have it please do everything in your power to make yourself happy. I recently learned that message when my 22 year old niece passed away during the holiday. It just didnt make sense to me how someone so young can have the life taken away in the blinking of an eye. Her death was a result of a drunk driver who hit the car she was in head on. It is still surreal to me and I amI living with regrets that I didnt spend enough time, didnt reach out more or tell her that I "loved her" enough.

I am taking the time now to tell people I care about (and you are one of them) that I love them and wish them all the best that life has to offer. If Tallahassee is where you want to be then go...... We will always find things to put off what we want to do either because of fear and uncertainties. Trust in the Lord first and trust yourself to do what ever you set yourself up to do. Good LUCK. Keep me posted.

I did get an email saying I needed to stay where I am, it sounds like I am running away from something, I wouldn't be happy in Tallahassee, I need to just accept where I am, I should watch my impulsivity and "you can never go back home." Unfortunately, I did not save the first half of my response (it was good!), but here is the second half of what I wrote:

Also, maybe I'm reading it wrong, but your response seems to suggest accept things the way they are === settle and be content. I don't ever want to accept less than what I want. I have proven to myself time after time that my gut feelings are usually right. "Oh, Shelly... don't go to college... just get married, you'll be happy." "Oh you can't be a therapist the way you talk...." "You'll never survive in private practice living alone." and the list goes on and on. I value friends good intentions and well-wishes, yet I am stubborn enough to do what my heart tells me. Again, thank you for your honesty. I hope you know I won't expect to have the friendship we use to have WHEN I move back. Again, we're different people now, different parts in life. Tallahassee isn't 'home' because of the people I knew there. Do you really think I want to rekindle relationships I made from my TMPC days? No. Tallahassee is home because of much deeper reasons than that. Home is where the heart is...


	Shelly Weiss, M.S., Ed.S. \| home Tallahassee Breakthrough Jan 30, 2003 me at Tallahassee airport circa 12/01 You'd do anything to move to Tallahassee? Prove it! So tomorrow I move and not to Tallahassee. The closer it gets, the more tempted I am to call the whole thing off. I am so grateful to those who have agreed to help me move that I hate to `use up' their generosity on relocating to anywhere except Tallahassee. Why can't I live where I want? I thought once I was an adult, I would be able to live my life where and how I wanted to. I work hard (okay, not as hard as I could), I'm a good and honest, responsible adult… why can't I go back home? I hear of people (like my ex-boss) moving there and I feel like a spoiled kid, wanting to stomp my feet at the injustice. "She didn't go to school there! She didn't find her authenticity there! Tallahassee isn't the first and only place where she felt safe and welcomed! Why does SHE get to live there?! She won't appreciate it like I do…" as I cross my arms and stomp my feet, bottom lip protruding in angst. I don't want to have to "wait until the right time." Why can't now be the right time? Why? I've lived here 6 years longer than I wanted, establishing my career and am just as much in debt as I was 6 years ago! That wasn't part of the deal!!! Either a.) I live in Orlando where the job market is better and get financially stable so I can visit Tallahassee as much as I want with season tickets to the football and basketball games or b.) I live in Tallahassee barely surviving check to check. It was an "either/or" deal here. I don't want to stay here… I soooo want to go back to Tallahassee… it's not to relive my college years. I'm physically too old to do that. If I had that much self-discipline today, I wouldn't have this problem… *** you know, I just had a break- through. I just censored my answer… my original thought was "If I had that much self-discipline today, I would be living in Tallahassee working my butt off to have the life that I want…" I didn't want to type that because it would mean I would have to accept responsibility. I couldn't be mad at fate or wonder why God didn't allow this one simple request to surface. It would mean, once again, I would have to realize my life has to dramatically change to have the life that I want. I am still here after 6 years because I am doing what I have been doing for 6 years, taking the easy way out. This is why I write, for self-awareness. I tried to call a couple of people to whine in the hopes of getting "Awww, poor Shelly… It's not fair that you can't be in Tallahassee like you want" but they were unavailable. That was a blessing. WHEN WILL I LEARN I NEED TO WRITE OUT MY FRUSTRATIONS AND DISAPPOINTMENTS??? I wrote a piece for New Years called "Fly" and sent it to 4 people… it was very personal. Two of the people responded. One said it was an inspiration for her to look at/change her own life. The other came from a college professor who is a stickler for writing. Her response has been engraved in my heart. Here is an excerpt: First let me say that you are an incredible writer! Please do not ever let go of this wonderful talent. I am sure this is a blessed release for you personally, but it is also a great gift to your readers. A book of reflections or essays on life would be very publishable. The format was quite effective... Your interpretation is unique and meaningful to you and you have expressed it very well. At first read (before looking at your treatment of it), I felt it was about loss - loss of a loved one, a dream, etc. It even seemed to have hints of loss of self. You turned this completely around for me and showed how flying could be a positive thing. I am still not sure of one thing, however: Are you flying toward or away from life? Thank you for sharing this brief glimpse into your intimate spaces. It doesn't get any better than that, feedback from someone whose writing is, well, perfect. The point is, I wrote the `Fly' piece to calm the havoc within myself… it was too late to call anyone, so I just sat down at the keyboard and vented. A couple days later, I read what I had written and was amazed at how good it was! Not only did it clear my emotions, it resulted in a fine literary piece that I just may get published one day… that is… as long as I quit waiting passively for `the right time' and actively create `the right time.' I will. I'd do anything to move back to Tallahassee. It's time I put my writing where my mouth is. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some planning to do. Edited to add an email response I received: I read your Tallahassee breakthrough. My advice is to follow your instinct and desires. The worst thing to live with in life is regrets. Life is not always guarantee to anyone, so while we have it please do everything in your power to make yourself happy. I recently learned that message when my 22 year old niece passed away during the holiday. It just didnt make sense to me how someone so young can have the life taken away in the blinking of an eye. Her death was a result of a drunk driver who hit the car she was in head on. It is still surreal to me and I amI living with regrets that I didnt spend enough time, didnt reach out more or tell her that I "loved her" enough. I am taking the time now to tell people I care about (and you are one of them) that I love them and wish them all the best that life has to offer. If Tallahassee is where you want to be then go...... We will always find things to put off what we want to do either because of fear and uncertainties. Trust in the Lord first and trust yourself to do what ever you set yourself up to do. Good LUCK. Keep me posted. And another response: The best advice I ever received was this: take risks. I did get an email saying I needed to stay where I am, it sounds like I am running away from something, I wouldn't be happy in Tallahassee, I need to just accept where I am, I should watch my impulsivity and "you can never go back home." Unfortunately, I did not save the first half of my response (it was good!), but here is the second half of what I wrote: A few more things... I believe if I was being impulsive, I wouldn't be staying here until I get things in order. I believe I am being more responsible and sensible than I've been in a long time. Also, maybe I'm reading it wrong, but your response seems to suggest accept things the way they are === settle and be content. I don't ever want to accept less than what I want. I have proven to myself time after time that my gut feelings are usually right. "Oh, Shelly... don't go to college... just get married, you'll be happy." "Oh you can't be a therapist the way you talk...." "You'll never survive in private practice living alone." and the list goes on and on. I value friends good intentions and well-wishes, yet I am stubborn enough to do what my heart tells me. Again, thank you for your honesty. I hope you know I won't expect to have the friendship we use to have WHEN I move back. Again, we're different people now, different parts in life. Tallahassee isn't 'home' because of the people I knew there. Do you really think I want to rekindle relationships I made from my TMPC days? No. Tallahassee is home because of much deeper reasons than that. Home is where the heart is...