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I remember when I was very small, dreams I had, things I wanted out of life. They were typical things to me as a child. I wanted security in my life, because I saw people around me worrying about bills, so I wanted to be rich, very rich. I wanted to be safe from attack, so I learned to be mean and how to fight without compassion for whoever it was that I must destroy to preserve myself and my safety, or that of others around me. And I wanted people to be nice, so I didn't have to be mean, because I didn't like being mean. But things didn't go like this, or at least not yet.
Instead, my wealth was delayed in arriving. And I got real good at being mean, but I hated it because I couldn't make complete peace with it, I knew it was wrong. I held close the ideals in the previous pages, most of the time hidden, because I ended up in some really horrible places with people who cared less than I did about anything. I gave up on you, the world. The history I knew dictated, you will get worse, I hope not, but then, we are dealing with patterns. And like everyone else at one time or another, I was betrayed. Again and again. It doesn't even matter by who anymore, only that the scars remain. I decided I didn't want to do any harm in the world anymore. It was a lofty aspiration. One that sometimes I realized, but more often than I knew, didn't. To those of you I hurt, I'm sorry.
I don't believe in compromise. It never seemed right to me. I don't want to give up anything and shouldn't have to, and neither should you. But this world makes you do it until you are only a shadow of who you were, an echo of the person you thought was you. I found that I wasn't saying what I believed, but hiding perfectly. I made a game out of it. It consumed me. I'm still trying to take off the camouflage. So are the rest of us who realize these things.
So now, I just survive. I don't believe in this world, it's politics, it's practices, or it's people. All I know is me, and I try to adjust me, so that I am not a hypocrite, although I suppose there are worse things I could be. I feel like the one person at a bus stop on some road somewhere waiting for God to hurry up and bring the bus so I can get out of the rain, the sun, the wind, the cold and all that I endure as I wait.
All the while I look at the bus stop and wonder stupid things like who put this bench here? Did they take the bus home?
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