Norm Mcdonald


"Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone."



"In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student.... LeTourneau has been branded a sex offender, or as the kids refer to her, 'the greatest teacher of all time.'"

"Anna Nicole Smith was admitted to a hospital after she apparently collapsed after she realized she had sex with this man." [Shows a picture of her 80-year-old husband.]"

" ... or so the Germans would have us believe."

"David Kaczynski, the brother who turned in Unabomber defendant Ted Kaczynski, said he plans to share the $1 million reward with the bombing survivors. He said roughly $400,000 will go to the bombing victims, and the other $600,000, he will blow on whores and cocaine."

"In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory -- women can't drive."

"In London, British scientists have created a frog embryo without a head. A breakthrough that could lead to the production of headless human clones to provide organs and tissue for transplant, as well as horrific nightmares for the rest of my life."

"After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay."

"Note to self . . . " (and then misses his pocket, twice)

"Reports say that Michael Jackson's wife is now pregnant with the pop star's second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so soon, Jackson explained that his 7-month-old son is starting to lose his looks."

"And that just proves my theory: Germans *love* David Hasselhoff."

"Carni Wilson, formerly of Wilson Phillips says that her talk show will be different than other talk shows, in that she will treat her guests with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them."

"Kenny G released his Christmas album this week. Happy birthday, Jesus ... hope you like crap!"

"The state of Michigan's legislature has just passed a law allowing the blind to hunt deer. The biggest supporters of the new law? THE DEER."

"The Artist Formerly Known as Prince is now going by just 'The Artist.' Despite this, I will still refer to him as, 'The Fruit.' "

"Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet, and she has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day. Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke just 10 years after the Earth crashes into the sun."

"Thurman Thomas has just broken a few of OJ's records recently. He now leads the Bills in touchdowns, and yards. Next up.... killing three people at once."

"AT&T laid off 25,000 workers this week. A spokesman for AT&T said, 'Hey, anybody need a good spokesman?' "


"Paul McCartney confessed that Bob Dylan turned The Beatles on to marijuana. In a return, George Harrison turned Dylan on to looking old and haggard."



"Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for 45 minutes."

"The Beatles first new song in over 25 years, 'Free as a Bird,' just came out and it's just been discovered that there's a secret message by John Lennon when you play the song backwards. The message is 'This song sucks!' "

"OH......DRAT!!!!!"

"In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman is armed and extremely fat."

"The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is crack."

"Weeks away from giving birth, Pamela and Tommy Lee are trying to come up with names for the baby. If it's a girl, they'll name it after the mother and call her Pamela. If it's a boy, they'll name it after the father and call it Lucky Bastard."

"Weekend Update joins the world in mourning the death of comic legend George Burns. Let this be a lesson to you kids out there: smoking kills."

"A dog recently saved his owner's life, because he had been trained to dial 911. Unfortunately, operators had trouble finding the address 'woof, woof.' "

"Christopher Reeve recently said that while he was recovering from his accident in the hospital, the comedy of Robin Williams convinced him to go on living. Meanwhile, the comedy of Pauly Shore made him long for the sweet release death would bring."

"German shepherds were rated the best police dogs in the country, sniffing out more than $100 million in illegal drugs. ... or so the German shepherds would have us believe."

"Rap star Hammer is suing the LAPD after he and his entourage were mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this story: Hammer has an entourage!"

"Mother Teresa suffered a concussion. Doctors say she is back to normal except for one thing: She now hates poor people!"

"Steve Forbes has dropped out of the presidential race. Reportedly, Forbes was so despondent he was overheard saying, "I feel like a million bucks.' "

"Magic Johnson has received a $900 000 retainer to write a book on how not to get AIDS. Chapter 1: Don't have sex with me."

"Thurman Thomas of the Buffalo Bills has just broken some of O.J.'s records recently. He now leads the Bills in touchdowns and yards. Next on his list: Killing two people at once."

"In San Francisco last week, a party attended by that city's mayor, chief of police, and members of the city board of supervisors caused controversy when it ended with a performance by a dominatrix who used a switchblade to carve Satanic symbols into the back of her male companion. She then proceeded to beat him, whip him, and finally sodomize him with a liquor bottle. The morning after San Franciscans expressed outrage when it was revealed that the liquor bottle was not recycled."

"Next month, the U.S. Postal Service will begin issuing stamps depicting Dracula, the Mummy, and Frankenstein's monster. The stamps are part of a new series called 'People Who Abbott and Costello Have Met.' "

"Martin Holland, a 17-year-old Arizona state prison inmate, is suing the Board of Corrections under the 1964 civil rights statute claiming he is being discriminated against by being kept separate from the state's adult prison population. In granting his request to be integrated, the judge issued his ruling over the strenuous objections from Martin's ass."

"Bart, the 1800 lb. bear who co-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in the movie 'The Edge', reportedly earns a whopping $10,000 per day as a Hollywood actor. A small amount of the Grizzly's income goes toward the preservation of bears natural habitat. Bart spends the remaining money on bear whores and cocaine."

"Valujet Airlines says it will discontinue service to Mobile, Alabama.  According to airline executives, this cost cutting measure is expected to save the company over $200."

"Despite recent criticism, the school board of Oakland has decided to proceed with its controversial Ebonics programs for city schools. In fact, school board officials today announced the winner of the first city-wide Ebonics spelling bee: fourth- grader Soon Jyoop Kim."

"Note to Self: Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised."

"Inmates of American prisons are protesting this week. They claim that the reading of their mail by prison officials is an violation of their human rights. Well, that and the DAILY ANAL RAPE!"

"It has been announced that a hangover-free vodka will hit the market soon. But before you run out and buy it, there is one small side-effect: It causes massive anal bleeding!"

"A recent opinion poll shows that DC mayor Marion Berry's approval ratings are at their lowest level ever. When asked for comment on the ratings, Berry replied that he didn't pay attention to polls or anything that isn't crack."

"The American Cancer Institute recently discovered that the lower a person's birthweight, the less likely it is for them to develop several kinds of cancer. This information falls into the category of 'Things you can do nothing about.' "

"On the seventh season of MTV's 'The Real World,' the young people will represent different backgrounds, ages, religions and sexual orientations. They will, however, share one trait in common: I will hate them."

"Officials report that the sale of marijuana at school playgrounds has gone up in recent years." [Pulls out wad of bills, looks it over] "Don't I know it!"

"Stedman Graham long time boyfriend of Oprah Winfrey has just released a book titled '10 Easy Steps to Success.' Step number one: Become Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend."

"The world is in shock with the split of Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson. Friends say it never would have worked -- Lisa was more of a home person while Michael was more of a homosexual pedophile."

"This week, the California Department of Corrections confirmed that Lyle Menendez and model Anna Erikson were married in prison. Following the ceremony, Menendez spent a romantic wedding night being raped by two white guys and a big black guy."

"Skater Tonya Harding, banned from competing for the U.S. because of her part in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, received a setback this week when her request to skate for Norway was rejected. However, Harding remains optimistic she'll get the OK to compete for 'The Republic of White-trash-istan.' "

"According to a new ordinance in Kansas City, MO, anyone convicted of indecent exposure, prostitution, or soliciting prostitution will have his name posted on a local cable channel. If I can be permitted to make a personal comment. While the plan's goal of publicly shaming sex offenders is well intentioned, it is important to remember in this democracy of ours, that Norm Macdonald is a very common name."

"In Springfield, Missouri the local cable company mistakingly showed 5 minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network during an episode of 'The Flintstones.' Experts say children who saw the episode called it "the best 'Flintstones' ever!"

"In a December issue of Playboy, '60 Minutes' reporter Mike Wallace revealed that he has not only smoked marijuana, but that it made him sexually aroused. According to Wallace he made these comments in an effort to frighten young people off sex and drugs forever."

"A French government survey finds that Disney Land Paris is the most popular tourist attraction in the country. And the most popular ride? Woman Who Don't Shave their Arm-Pits of the Caribbean."

"In Detroit, under a new prison rehabilitation program called Fresh Start, employers will get a tax break if they hire an ex-convict. Employers who hire more that one ex-convict will get robbed and killed."

Note to self: "Buy wart medicine for giant wart on ass."

"In a recent study, a majority of non-voting women stated that they would vote if they were allowed to mail in their votes. Also, an even larger majority stated that they would vote if they were allowed to bake their votes. Because, women like to bake."

"I've never seen so many dead whores in my entire life!"

"A recent study proved today that crack babies are as happy as regular babies. That's kind of strange, I would have thought that they would be happier -- on ac coun t of all that crack in their system."


OJ"O.J. Simpson did not spend Mothers Day with his children. When asked about it he replied, 'Duh! Because I killed their mother!' "

"Two more jurors were removed from the Simpson case after revelations of conflicts of interest. One of the jurors once worked for Hertz and the other juror once held Nicole's glasses while O.J. killed her."

"O.J. Simpson reportedly has a videotape that he says proves who actually murdered Nicole. He said he intends to use this tape as evidence in his upcoming civil trial. What's on the tape? The first Simpson trial."

"Tempers flared in the O.J. Simpson trial this week. Fred Goldman stood up and shouted, 'Stop giving me that damn look!' O.J. replied, 'Look, I didn't give you a look. You're just mad because I killed your son.' "

"It was revealed this week that defense lawyer Johnny Cochran was once accused of beating his wife. In his defense Cochran stated, 'Hey, at least I didn't kill her like some people I know.' "