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SCRIPT
Script courtesy of Neil Smith and Dean Robson.
Before we start, just a few guidelines to how this script is set out.
Any general descriptions about locations or action are tabbed in 5 spaces, and bracketed.
Song lyrics are indented in a space.
If a character does something minor, e.g. laugh in the middle of a sentence, his action is bracketed within the dialogue (cough) like that.
Script from Neil's Reservoir Dogs homepage at http://www.cybercities.net/~neil/resdogs/.
This page contains all the credits etc. for this script.
---------------------------
MR. BROWN
Let me tell you what Like a Virgin's about. It's all about a girl who
digs a guy with a big dick. The entire song-- it's a metaphor for big
dicks.
MR. BLUE
No, it ain't. It's about a girl who's very vulnerable. She's been
fucked over a few times and then she meets a guy who's very
sensitive.
MR. BROWN
Whoa! whoa...time out Greenbay. Tell that fucking bullshit to the
tourists.
JOE
Toby? Who the fuck is Toby?
MR. BROWN
Like a Virgin's not about some sensitive girl who meets a nice fella.
That's what True Blue's about. Granted, no argument about that.
MR. ORANGE
Which one's true Blue?
NICE GUY EDDIE
You ain't heard True Blue? It was a big ass hit for Madonna. I don't
even follow that Tops of the Pops shit, and even I've heard of True
Blue.
MR. ORANGE
Yeah, so - I ain't saying I ain't heard of it. You know; all I asked
is how's it go. Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna
fan.
MR. BLONDE
Personally, I can do without her.
MR. BLUE
I used to like her early stuff-- Borderline. When she got all into
that Papa Don't Preach phase, I tuned out.
MR. BROWN
You guys are like making me lose my train of thought here. I was
saying something. What was it?
JOE
Oh, Toby's that little Chinese girl. What was her last name?
MR. WHITE
What's that?
JOE
It's an old address book I found in a coat I haven't worn in a coon's
age. What was that name?
MR. BROWN
What the fuck was I talking about?
MR. PINK
You said True Blue was about a sensitive girl who meets a nice guy,
but Like a Virgin was a metaphor for big dicks.
MR. BROWN
Ok. Let me tell you what Like a Virgin's about. It's all about this
cooz who's a regular fuck machine. I'm talking morning, day, night,
afternoon-- dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
MR. BLUE
How many dicks is that?
MR. WHITE
A lot.
MR. BROWN
Then one day she meets this John Holmes motherfucker, and it's like,
whoa, baby. This cat is like Charles Bronson in the great escape.
He's digging tunnels. She's getting this serious dick action and
feeling something she ain't felt since forever-- pain. Pain.
JOE
Chu? Toby Chu?
MR. BROWN
It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her. Her pussy should be
bubbleyum by now, but when this cat fucks her, it hurts. It hurts
just like it did the first time. You see, the pain is reminding a
fuck machine what it was like to be a virgin. Hence: Like a Virgin.
JOE
Wong.
MR. WHITE
Give me that fucking thing.
JOE
What the hell do you think you're doing? Give me my book back.
MR. WHITE
I'm sick of fucking hearing it, Joe. I'll give it back to you when we
leave.
JOE
What do you mean when we leave? Give me it back now.
MR. WHITE
For the past 15 minutes now, you've been droning on about names.
Toby... Toby... Toby... Toby Wong... Toby Wong... Toby Wong... Toby
Chung... Fucking Charlie Chan. I've got Madonna's big dick coming out
of my left ear and Toby the Jap I-don't-know-what, coming out of my
right.
JOE
Give me that book.
MR. WHITE
Are you going to put it away?
JOE
I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want with it.
MR. WHITE
Well, then, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to keep it.
MR. BLONDE
Hey, Joe, want me to shoot this guy?
MR. WHITE
Shit. You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.
EDDIE
You guys been listening to K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies
weekend?
MR. PINK
Oh, yeah, man, that's fucking great isn't it?
EDDIE
Can you believe the songs they been playing?
MR. PINK
You know what I heard the other day? Heartbeat (It's a Love Beat) by
Little Tony deFranco and the deFranco family. Man I haven't heard
that since I was in fifth fuckin' grade.
EDDIE
When I was coming down here, The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia
came on. I ain't heard that song since it was big. When it was big, I
must of heard it a million trillion fucking times. This is the first
time I ever realized the girl singing the song is the one who shot
Andy.
MR. BROWN
What? You mean you didn't know Vicki Lawrence was the one who shot
Andy?
EDDIE
I thought the cheating wife shot Andy.
MR. ORANGE
They say that at the end of the song.
EDDIE
I know, motherfucker! I just heard it! That's what I'm talking about!
I must have zoned out during that part before.
JOE
All right. I'll take care of the check. You guys can get the tip.
Should be about a buck apiece. And you, when I come back, I want my
book.
MR. WHITE
Sorry. It's my book now.
JOE
Hey, I changed my mind. Shoot this piece of shit, will you?
EDDIE
All right. Everybody cough up some green for the little lady.
Come on. Throw in a buck.
MR. PINK
Uh-uh. I don't tip.
EDDIE
You don't tip?
MR. PINK
No - I don't believe in it.
EDDIE
You don't believe in tipping?
MR. BLUE
You know what these chicks make? They make shit.
MR. PINK
Don't give me that. She don't make enough money, she can quit.
EDDIE
I don't even know a fucking Jew who'd have the balls to say that. Let
me just get this straight. You don't ever tip, huh?
MR. PINK
I don't tip because society says I have to. Alright, I mean I'll tip
if somebody really deserves a tip, if they really put forth the
effort, I'll give 'em something extra, but I mean this tipping
automatically is for the birds.
I mean as far as I'm concerned they're just doing their job.
MR. BLUE
Hey, this girl was nice.
MR. PINK
She was OK - but she wasn't anything special.
MR. BLUE
What's special, take you in the back and suck your dick?
EDDIE
I'd go over 12% for that.
MR. PINK
Hey Look, I ordered coffee, right? Now we've been here a long fuckin
time, and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee,
I want it filled six times
MR. BLONDE
Six times? Well, you know, what if she's too fucking busy?
MR. PINK
Words "too fucking busy" shouldn't be in a waitress' vocabulary.
EDDIE
Excuse me, Mr. Pink - the last fucking thing you need's another cup
of coffee.
MR. PINK
Jesus Christ - I mean these ladies aren't starving to death. They
make minimum wage. You know, I used to work minimum wage. And when I
did, I wasn't lucky enough to have a job society deemed tip-worthy.
MR. BLUE
You don't care they're counting on your tips to live?
MR. PINK
You know what this is? It's the world's smallest violin playing just
for the waitresses.
MR. WHITE
You don't have any idea what you're talking about. These people bust
their ass. This is a hard job.
MR. PINK
So's working at McDonald's, but you don't feel the need to tip them,
do you? Why not? They're servin ya food. But no, society says don't
tip these guys over here, but tip these guys over here. That's
bullshit.
MR. WHITE
Waitressing is the number one occupation for female noncollege
graduates in this country. It's the one job basically any woman can
get and make a living on. The reason is because of their tips.
MR. PINK
(pauses) Fuck all that.
MR. BROWN
Jesus Christ!
MR. PINK
Hey, I'm very sorry that the government taxes their tips. That's
fucked up. That ain't my fault. It would appear that waitresses are
just one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a
regular basis. You show me a paper says the government shouldn't do
that, I'll sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll vote for it. But what I
won't do is play ball. And this non-college bullshit you're giving
me, I got two words for that: "Learn to fuckin type." Cause if you're
expecting me to help out with the rent, you're in for a big fuckin'
surprise.
MR. ORANGE
Hey - he's convinced me. Give me my dollar back.
EDDIE
Hey! Leave the dollars there.
JOE
All right, ramblers, let's get ramblin'. Wait a minute. Who didn't
throw in?
MR. ORANGE
Mr. Pink.
JOE
Mr. Pink? Why not?
MR. ORANGE
He don't tip.
JOE
He don't tip? What do you mean you don't tip?
MR. ORANGE
He don't believe in it.
JOE
Shut up. What do you mean you don't believe in it? Come on, you,
cough up a buck, you cheap bastard. I paid for your goddamn
breakfast.
MR. PINK
Alright - since you paid for the breakfast, I'll put in, but normally
I would never do this.
JOE
Never mind what you normally would do. Just cough in your goddamn
buck like everybody else. Thank you.
RADIO
That was the Partridge Family's 'Doesn't Somebody Want to be Wanted?'
Followed by Edison Lighthouse's 'Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes)'
as K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies weekend just keeps on
truckin'.
Yeah!
Looking back, I'm on the track for a little green bag.
Got to find just the kind I'm losing my mind.
Outside in the night, outside in the day.
Looking back, on the track gonna do it my way.
Outside in the night, outside in the day.
Looking back, on the track gonna do it my way.
Looking back.
Looking for some happiness but there is only loneliness to
find.
Turn to the left, turn to the right.
Looking upstairs, looking behind.
Yeah!
MR. ORANGE
Oh, god! Oh, shit! I'm going to die! I'm going to die! I'm going to
die!
MR. WHITE
Just hold on, buddy boy!
MR. ORANGE
I'm going to die!
MR. WHITE
Hey!
MR. ORANGE
I'm sorry! I can't believe she killed me, man. Who'd have fucking
thought that?
MR. WHITE
Hey! Just cancel that shit right now! You're hurt. You're hurt real
fucking bad, but you ain't dying!
MR. ORANGE
I'm going to die! I'm going to d-- oh, shit. All this blood scares
the shit out of me, Larry! I'm going to die! I know it!
MR. WHITE
Excuse me. I didn't realize you had a degree in medicine. Uh, are you
a doctor? Are you a doctor? Answer me, please. Are you a doctor? Huh?
MR. ORANGE
No, I'm not. I'm not.
MR. WHITE
O.K. So you admit you don't know what you're talking about. So if
you're through giving me your amateur opinion, lie back and listen to
the news. I'm taking you back to the rendezvous. Joe's going to get
you a doctor. The doctor's going to fix you up, and you're going to
be OK. Now say it! You're going to be OK. Say it! You're going to be
OK! Say the goddamn words. You're going to be OK.!
MR. ORANGE
Oh, god!
MR. WHITE
Say the goddamn fucking words! Say it!
MR. ORANGE
I'm OK, Larry.
MR. WHITE
Correct! Correct.
MR. ORANGE
I'm OK.
MR. WHITE
Look where we are. Look where we are - we're in the warehouse.
MR. ORANGE
Larry! She had a baby, man! She had a baby!
MR. WHITE
Now we're in the warehouse. Who's a tough guy? Who's a tough guy?
Come on. Who's a tough guy?
MR. ORANGE
I'm a tough guy, Larry!
MR. WHITE
You're a tough guy. You're a fucking tough guy. OK. OK. We're in the
warehouse. Look where we are. We did it. We made it. We fucking made
it. We have fucking made it. We're in the warehouse. Look where we
are. Look where we are. Hold on, buddy boy. Hold on. Hold on. Hold
on.
MR. ORANGE
Shit!
MR. WHITE
Stop banging your head. You're going to bang a fucking hole in the
floor. You don't want to hurt the fucking floor, do you? I can't do
anything for you, but when Joe gets here, which should be any time
now, he's going to help you out. He's going to take care of you. OK -
we're just going to sit here and wait for Joe. Who are we waiting
for?
MR. ORANGE
Joe. Larry... I'm so fucking scared, man. Would you please hold me?
MR. WHITE
Yeah, sure. It's all right. It's all right.
MR. ORANGE
Ooh!
MR. WHITE
You go ahead and be scared. You've been brave enough for one day. I
just want you to relax now, OK? You're not going to fucking die.
You're going to be fine. When Joe gets here, he'll make you 100%
again.
MR. ORANGE
I'm hurt. I'm hurt bad, Larry.
MR. WHITE
It's not good. No.
MR. ORANGE
Hey, Larry... Bless your heart for what you're trying to do. I was
panicking for a minute back there, but I got my senses back now.
Situation is I'm shot in the belly. Without medical attention, I'm
going to die.
MR. WHITE
I can't take you to a hospital.
MR. ORANGE
Fuck jail, man! You don't have to take me in. Just drive me up to the
front. Just drop me on the sidewalk. I'll take care of myself. I
won't tell them anything, man. I won't tell them anything. I swear to
fucking god, man! Just look in my eyes, Larry. Look in my eyes. I
won't tell them anything. You'll be safe, man.
MR. WHITE
You're not going to fucking die, kid, all right? Listen to me. You're
going to be fine. Along with the kneecap, the gut is the most painful
area a guy can get shot in.
MR. ORANGE
No shit!
MR. WHITE
But it takes a long time to die from it. I'm talking days. You're
going to wish you were dead, but it takes days to die from your
wound. Time is on your side.
MR PINK
Was that a fucking setup or what? Shit! Orange got tagged?
MR. WHITE
Gut shot.
MR. PINK
Fuck! Where's, uh, Brown?
MR. WHITE
Dead.
MR. PINK
Oh... How did he die?
MR. WHITE
How the fuck do you think? The cops shot him.
MR. PINK
This is bad. This is so fucking bad. Is it bad?
MR. WHITE
As opposed to good?
MR. PINK
Man, this is fucked up. This is so fucked up. Somebody fucked us up
big time, man.
MR. WHITE
You really think we were set up?
MR. PINK
Do you even doubt it man? I don't think we got set up - I know we got
set up. I mean, really, seriously, where did all those cops come from
huh? One minute they're not there and the next minute they're there.
I didn't hear any sirens. The alarm went off, OK. When an alarm goes
off, you got an average of four minutes response time. Unless a
patrol car is cruising that street at that particular moment, you got
four minutes before they can realistically respond. In one minute,
there were 17 blue boys out there, all loaded for bear, all knowing
exactly what the fuck they were doing. They were all just there.
Remember that second wave that showed up in the cars OK? Those were
the ones responding to the alarm man, but those first motherfuckers,
I'm telling you man, they were there and they were waiting for us.
Haven't you fucking thought about this?
MR. WHITE
I haven't had a chance to think. First I was just trying to get the
fuck out of there. After we got away, I've been just dealing with
him.
MR. PINK
Let's start fucking thinking about it, man, 'cos that's all I'm
thinking about, man. I wasn't even going to come here. I was going to
just drive off man, because whoever set us up knows about this place,
there could have been cops here waiting for us, man. There could be
cops coming here right now!
MR. WHITE
Let's go in the other room. Hey! Right in there.
MR. ORANGE
Don't leave me! I'm going to die.
MR. WHITE
I'll be right there, OK.? I'll be right there looking at you. I'm
right here looking at you, OK.? Right in here. Right over there.
MR. ORANGE
Larry. I'm going to fucking die. Larry!
MR. PINK
What the fuck am I doing here, man? I felt funny about this job right off. As soon as I felt it, I should have said "No thank you" and walked, but I didn't fucking listen. It's like every time I ever got caught buying weed. Same thing man, I didn't trust the guy, I felt funny about him, but I wanted to believe him, you know. Because if he's not lying when he delivered his Thai stick man, it's great. But no, it's never Thai stick, and I always said if I felt this way about a job, i fucking walk, and I didn't, and I (SMASH!) didn't because of the fucking money!
MR. WHITE
What's done is done. I need you cool. Are you cool?
[Crash]
MR. PINK
I am cool.
MR. WHITE
Splash some water on your face. Take a breather. Relax. Have a
cigarette.
MR. PINK
I quit.
MR. WHITE
All right.
MR. PINK
Why, you got one?
MR. WHITE
Yeah. Here you go. Have a Chesterfield.
MR. PINK
Thanks.
MR. WHITE
OK. Let's go through what happened.
MR. PINK
OK.
MR. WHITE
We're in the place. Everything's going fine. Then the alarm gets
tripped.
MR. PINK
Right.
MR. WHITE
I turn around and all these cops are outside. You're right, because
bam! I blinked my eyes, and they're there. Everybody starts going
apeshit. Then Mr. Blonde starts to shoot all the em--
MR. PINK
That's not correct.
MR. WHITE
What's wrong with it?
MR. PINK
OK. The cops did not show up as the alarm went off. The cops didn't
show up until after Mr. Blonde started shooting everybody.
MR. WHITE
As soon as I heard the alarm - I saw the cops.
MR. PINK
Na, man I'm telling you it wasn't that soon, OK. They didn't let
their presence be known until after Mr. Blonde became a madman.
Alright. I'm not saying they weren't there. I'm saying they were
there, but they didn't make their move until after Mr. Blonde started
shooting everybody. I mean, that's how I know we were set up. Come
on, Mr. White, I mean you could see that, can't you?
MR. WHITE
Look, look, enough of this "Mr. White" shit.
MR. PINK
Wait wait wait! Man! Don't tell me your fucking name man! I don't
want to know it. Jesus Christ, I ain't going to tell you mine!
MR. WHITE
You're right. This is bad. How did you get out?
MR. PINK
I shot my way out. Everybody started shooting, so I blasted my way
out of there.
COPS
Move it! Get out of the way! Get the fuck out of the way!
MR. PINK
Get the fuck out of the way!
COPS
Move It! Get out of the way!
MALE BYSTANDER
Jesus christ! What the fuck is your problem, man?
MR. PINK
You fucking asshole! Fucker!
COPS
Move!
WOMAN BYSTANDER
Get down, Ernie!
DRIVER
Jesus!
MR. PINK
Get out of the car! Get the fuck out of the car!
COPS
Move it! Get out of the way!
MR. PINK
I tagged a couple of cops. Did you kill anybody?
MR. WHITE
A few cops.
MR. PINK
No real people?
MR. WHITE
Just cops.
MR. PINK
Man, could you believe Mr. Blonde?
MR. WHITE
That was the most insane fucking thing I have ever seen. Why the fuck
would Joe hire a guy like that?
MR. PINK
I don't wanna kill anybody. But if I gotta get out that door, and
you're standing in my way, one way of the other, you're gettin outta
my way.
MR. WHITE
That's the way I look at it. The choice between doing 10 years and
taking out some stupid motherfucker ain't no choice at all, but I
ain't no madman, either. What the fuck was Joe thinking? I can't work
with a guy like that. We're awful goddamn lucky he didn't tag us when
he shot the place up. I came this close to taking his ass out myself.
MR. PINK
I mean, everybody panics. Everybody. Things get tense. It's human
nature, you panic. I don't care what your name is. You can't help it.
Fuck, man, you panic on the inside, in your head, you know? You give
yourself a couple of seconds. You get ahold of the situation. You
deal with it. What you don't do is start shooting up the place and
start killing people.
MR. WHITE
No. What you're supposed to do is act like a fucking professional. A
psychopath ain't a professional. Can't work with a psychopath. You
don't know what those sick assholes are going to do next. I mean,
Jesus Christ, how old do you think that black girl was, 20? Maybe 21?
MR. PINK
If that. Hey, look, did you see what happened to anybody else?
MR. WHITE
Me and Orange jumped in the car, Brown floored it. After that, I
don't know what went down.
MR. PINK
At that point it was every man for himself, man. As far as Mr. Blonde
and Mr. Blue are concerned I ain't got the foggiest, 'cos once I got
out I never looked back.
MR. WHITE
What do you think?
MR. PINK
What do I think? I mean, you know, the cops either caught 'em or
killed 'em.
MR. WHITE
No chance they punched through? You found a hole.
MR. PINK
Yeah, and that was a fucking miracle. But even if they did get away,
then where the fuck are they?
MR. WHITE
You don't think it's possible that one got the diamonds and...
MR. PINK
No - no way.
MR. WHITE
How can you be so sure?
MR. PINK
I got the diamonds.
MR. WHITE
(Laughs) That's my boy. Where?
MR. PINK
I stashed 'em. Look, if you want to come with me, let's go get them
right now, right this second man, 'cause I think staying here, man,
we should have our fucking heads examined.
MR. WHITE
That was the plan-- we meet here.
MR. PINK
Then where the fuck is everybody? I say the plan becomes null and
void once we find out we got a rat in the house. We ain't have the
slightest fucking idea what happened to Mr. Blonde and Mr. Blue. They
could be both be dead or maybe they're arrested. The cops could have
them right now at the station house, sweating them down. Yeah, They
don't know our names, but they could be singing about this place.
MR. WHITE
I swear to god, I think I'm fucking jinxed.
MR. PINK
What?
MR. WHITE
Two jobs back, it was a four-man job. We discovered one of the team
was an undercover cop.
MR. PINK
No shit.
MR. WHITE
Thank god we discovered it in time. Had to forget the whole thing,
just walk the fuck away from it.
MR. PINK
So who's the rat this time-- Mr. Blue... Mr. Brown... Joe? You know,
listen, I mean, Joe set this whole thing up. Maybe he set it up to
set it up.
MR. WHITE
No, I don't buy it. Me and Joe go back a long time. I can tell you
definitely Joe didn't fucking know about this bullshit.
MR. PINK
Hey, look, I known Joe since I was a kid. And me saying he definitely
had nothing to do with it is ridiculous. I mean, I can say I
definitely didn't do it, cause I know what I did or didn't do. But I
can't definitely say that about anybody else, 'cause I don't
definitely know. For all I know, you're the rat.
MR. WHITE
For all I know, you're the fucking rat!
MR. PINK
All right! Now you're using your fucking head! For all we know, he's
the rat.
MR. WHITE
Hey. That kid in there's dying from a fucking bullet I saw him take,
so don't you be calling him a rat!
MR. PINK
Look, i'm right, OK? Somebody's a fucking rat. Where's the commode in
this dungeon? I got to take a squirt.
MR. WHITE
Go down the hall, make a left, go up the stairs, and make a right.
JOE
By the way, how's Alabama?
MR. WHITE
Alabama? I haven't seen 'bama in over a year and a half.
JOE
I thought you two were a team.
MR. WHITE
We were for a little while. Did about four jobs together, then
decided to call it quits.
JOE
Why?
MR. WHITE
You push that woman/man thing too long and it gets to you after a
while.
JOE
What's she doing now?
MR. WHITE
She hooked up with Frank McGarr. They've done a couple jobs together.
Hell of a woman. Good little thief. (pause) So explain the telegram.
JOE
Five-man job busting in and busting out of a diamond wholesaler's.
MR. WHITE
Can you move the ice afterwards? I don't know nobody that can move
ice.
JOE
No problem - we got guys waiting for it. What about Marcello Spivey?
Didn't he always move your ice?
MR. WHITE
He's doing 20 years in Susanville.
JOE
20 Years? Holy god. What for?
MR. WHITE
Bad luck.
JOE
I guess you could say that again.
MR. WHITE
What's the exposure like?
JOE
Two minutes tops, but it's a tough two minutes-- daylight during
business hours, dealing with the crowd, but you'll have the guys to
deal with the crowd.
MR. WHITE
How many employees?
JOE
I'd say around 20. Security pretty lax. They most usually just deal
in boxes, uncut stones for the diamond syndicate, but on this
particular day, they're getting a shipment of polished stones from
Israel. They're like a way station. They're to get picked up the next
day and sent to vermont.
MR. WHITE
No, they're not. (They laugh) What's the cut, papa?
JOE
Juicy, junior. Real juicy.
MR. PINK
Hey, look, man, you do what you want. I'm out of here, man. I'm gonna
check into a motel for a few days. You, know I'll lay low, and i'll
call Joe-- shit. Did he fucking die on us? Huh? Is he dead or what?
MR. WHITE
He ain't dead.
MR. PINK
What is it?
MR. WHITE
I think he's just passed out.
MR. PINK
Scared the fucking shit out of me, man. I thought he was dead for
sure.
MR. WHITE
Without medical attention, he will die for sure.
MR. PINK
What'll we do, man? We can't take him to a hospital.
MR. WHITE
Without medical attention, that man might not live through the night.
The bullet in his belly is my fault. Now, well that might not mean
jack shit to you, it means a hell of a lot to me.
MR. PINK
First things first, OK? Staying here's goofy. We got to book up.
MR. WHITE
What do you suggest we do, go to a hotel? We got a guy shot in the
belly who can't walk. He bleeds like a stuck pig. When he's awake, he
screams in pain.
MR. PINK
You got an idea, spit it out.
MR. WHITE
Joe could help. We get in touch with Joe. Joe could get him to a
doctor. Joe could get a doctor to come to see him.
MR. PINK
Assuming we can trust Joe, how will we get in touch with him? Huh?
He's supposed to be here, but he ain't, which is making me very
nervous about being here. Even if he is on the up and up, I don't
think he's gonna be too happy with us, OK? He planned a robbery. He's
got a blood bath on his hands now. He's got dead cops, dead robbers,
dead civilians. Jesus Christ, I tend to doubt he's gonna have a lot
of sympathy for our plight. If I was him, I'd put as much distance
between me and this mess as humanly possible.
MR. WHITE
Before you got here, Mr. Orange was asking me to take him to a
doctor, to a hospital. Now, well I don't like the idea of turning him
over to the cops, but if we don't, he'll die. He begged me to do it.
MR. PINK
Well, all right. We take him to a hospital. If that's what he said,
let's do it. Since he don't know nothing about us, I say it's his
decision.
MR. WHITE
He knows a little about me.
MR. PINK
What? You didn't tell him your name, did you?
MR. WHITE
I told him my first name and where I was from.
MR. PINK
Why?
MR. WHITE
I told him where I was from a few days ago. It was just a natural
conversation.
MR. PINK
What was telling him your name when you weren't supposed to?
MR. WHITE
He asked. We had just gotten away from the cops. He just got shot. It
was my fault he got shot. He's a fucking bloody mess. He's screaming.
I swear to God, I thought he was going to die right then and there.
I'm trying to comfort him, telling him not to worry, everything will
be OK. I'm gonna take care of him. And he asked me what my name was.
I mean, the man was dying in my arms. What the fuck was I supposed to
do, tell him I'm sorry? I can't give out that fucking information!
It's against the rules! I don't trust you enough! Well, maybe I
should've, but I couldn't.
MR. PINK
I--
MR. WHITE
fuck you, and fuck Joe!
MR. PINK
I'm sure it was a very beautiful scene between you.
MR. WHITE
Don't fucking patronize me!
MR. PINK
I have one question for you. Do they have a sheet on you, where
you're from?
MR. WHITE
Yeah!
MR. PINK
Well, that's that then, man. I mean, Jesus Christ, I was worried
about mug shot possibilities as it was. Now he knows a) your name, b)
what you look like, c) where you're from, and d) what your specialty
is. They're not gonna have to show him a hell of a lot of pictures
for him to pick you out. I mean, that's it, right? You didn't tell
him anything else that could narrow down the selection?
MR. WHITE
If I have to tell you again to back off, me and you are gonna go
'round and 'round.
MR. PINK
We ain't taking him to a hospital.
MR. WHITE
If we don't, he's gonna die.
MR. PINK
I'm very sad about that. Some fellas are lucky, some ain't.
MR. PINK
What you fucking touching me for, man?
MR. PINK
You wanna fuck with me? I'll show you who you're fucking with!
MR. WHITE
You want to shoot me you little piece of shit? Go ahead. Take a shot.
MR. PINK
Fuck you, White. I didn't create this situation. I'm dealing with it.
You're acting like a first-year fuckin thief. I'm acting like a
professional! If they get him, they can get you, they get you, they
get closer to me, and that can't happen. You're looking at me like
it's my fault? I didn't tell him my name, I didn't tell him where I
was from! Shit 15 Minutes ago, you almost told me your name. You
buddy are stuck in a situation you created. If you want to throw bad
looks somewhere, throw them at a mirror!
MR. BLONDE
You kids shouldn't play so rough. Somebody's going to start crying.
MR. PINK
Mr. Blonde! Shit, you're fucking kicking me. What happened to you? I
figured you were dead. Hey! You OK? Did you see what happened to
Blue? We didn't know what happened to you and Blue. That's what we
were wondering about. Come on, man. Look, Brown is dead, Orange got
it in the belly.
MR. WHITE
Enough! Enough! You better start talking, asshole, 'cause we got shit
we need to talk about. We're already freaked out. We need you acting
freaky like we need a fucking bag on our hip.
MR. BLONDE
OK. Let's talk.
MR. WHITE
We think we got a rat in the house.
MR. PINK
I guarantee we got a rat in the house.
MR. BLONDE
What makes you say that?
MR. WHITE
Is that supposed to be funny?
MR. PINK
Look - we think this place ain't safe.
MR. WHITE
This place is insecure - we're leaving. You should go with us.
MR. BLONDE
Nobody's going anywhere.
MR. WHITE
Piss on this fucking turd! We're out of here.
MR. BLONDE
Don't take another step, Mr. White.
MR. WHITE
Fuck you, maniac! It's your fucking fault we're in this trouble.
MR. BLONDE
What's this guy's problem?
MR. WHITE
What's my problem? Yeah, I got a fucking problem. I got a big fucking
problem! A trigger-happy madman almost gets me shot!
MR. BLONDE
What the fuck you talking about?
MR. WHITE
That fucking shooting spree! In the store, remember?
MR. BLONDE
Ah, fuck 'em. They set off the alarm. They deserve what they got.
MR. WHITE
You almost killed me! Asshole! If I'd known what kind of guy you
were, i never would've agreed to work with you.
MR. BLONDE
Are you going to bark all day, little doggie, or are you going to
bite?
MR. WHITE
What was that? I'm sorry. I didn't catch it. Would you repeat it?
MR. BLONDE
Are you going to bark all day, little doggie, or are you going to
bite?
MR. PINK
Oh, Christ. Look, you two assholes, calm the fuck down. Hey, come on,
back off! What, we in a playground here? Am I the only professional?
Fucking guys are acting like a bunch of fucking niggers, man - you
work with niggers huh? - just like you two - always saying they're
gonna kill each other.
MR. WHITE
You said yourself, you thought about taking him out.
MR. BLONDE
You fucking said that?
MR. PINK
Yeah, I did, OK? I did. But that was then. Right now, this guy is the
only one I completely trust. He's too homicidal to be working with
the cops.
MR. WHITE
You're taking his side?
MR. PINK
No! Fuck sides! What we need here is a little solidarity. Somebody's
sticking a red-hot poker up our asses. I want to know whose name's on
the handle. Fuck. Look, I know I'm no piece of shit, and I'm pretty
sure you're OK, and I'm fucking positive you're on the level. Let's
try and figure out who the bad guy is, all right?
MR. BLONDE
Wow. That was really exciting. I bet you're a big Lee Marvin fan,
aren't you?
MR. BLONDE
Me, too. I love that guy. My heart's beating so fast, I'm about to
have a heart attack here.
MR. WHITE
Yeah?
MR. BLONDE
I got something outside that I'd like to show you guys, so follow me.
MR. WHITE
Follow you? Where?
MR. BLONDE
To my car.
MR. WHITE
What, you forget your french fries to go with the soda?
MR. BLONDE
I had them already. I got something I think you might want to see
though. It's a big surprise. I'm sure you'll like it though. Come on.
MR. PINK
We still got to get out of here, you know.
MR. BLONDE
No. We're gonna stick around. We're gonna wait.
MR. WHITE
What for, the cops?
MR. BLONDE
No. Nice Guy Eddie.
MR. PINK
Nice Guy Eddie? What makes you think he isn't on a plane right now
halfway to Costa Rica?
MR. BLONDE
Because I spoke to him on the phone and he said he's on the way down
here.
MR. WHITE
You talked to Nice Guy Eddie? Why the fuck didn't you say that in the
first place?
MR. BLONDE
'Cause you never asked me.
MR. WHITE
Har-de-fucking-har. What'd he say?
MR. BLONDE
He said stay put, so in the meantime... I'll show you guys something.
MR. PINK
Jesus Christ.
MR. BLONDE
Maybe our boy in blue here can answer some of these questions about
this rat business you've been talking about.
MR. WHITE
You're a piece of work, my friend.
MR. PINK
Ain't a bad idea. Let's get him the fuck out of here.
JOE
(into phone) Hey, Sid, will you relax? I've known you a long time.
I'm not worried. I know you'll pay me back. Don't tell me what I
already know. Don't embarrass me. So you had a few bad months. You do
what everybody else does, I don't care whether you're J.P. Morgan or
Irving the tailor-- you ride it out.
TEDDY
Vic Vega's outside.
JOE
Hold on. (To Teddy) Who?
TEDDY
Vic Vega.
JOE
(to Teddy) Oh. Tell him to come in.
TEDDY
Come on in.
JOE
(into phone) I gotta go. A friend of mine's outside. Keep your chin
up. I'll be talking to you. Don't worry. (To Mr Blonde) Hey, welcome
home, Vic.
MR. BLONDE
Joe.
JOE
How does freedom feel, huh?
MR. BLONDE
It's a change.
JOE
Ain't that the sad truth? Sit down. Take your coat off. Make yourself
at home. Want a little drink? How about a little remy martin?
MR. BLONDE
Sure.
JOE
Who's your parole officer?
MR. BLONDE
Seymour Scagnetti.
JOE
How is he?
MR. BLONDE
He's a fucking asshole. Won't even let me leave the halfway house.
JOE
You know, it never ceases to amaze me. A fucking junglebunny slits a
woman's throat for 25 cents, he gets Doris Day for a parole officer.
Good fella like you winds up with a ball-busting prick.
MR. BLONDE
I want you to know I appreciate all the packages you sent me on the
inside.
JOE
What the hell was I supposed to do, forget about you?
MR. BLONDE
I just want you to know it meant a lot to me.
JOE
It was the least I could do. I wished the hell I could've done a lot
more.
MR. BLONDE
Thanks a lot, Joe.
JOE
Ah, Vic. Toothpick Vic. So tell me your story, kid. What are your
plans?
EDDIE
You son of a bitch. I see you sitting there, but I don't believe it.
How you doing, Toothpick?
MR. BLONDE
Hi, Eddie.
EDDIE
Listen, I'm sorry. I should've picked you up myself. I was-- this
week's been crazy. I've had my head up my ass the whole time.
MR. BLONDE
It's funny you should say that. That's what me and your daddy was
talking about.
EDDIE
That I should've picked you up?
MR. BLONDE
No, that you had your head up your ass. I walk in the door, he's
like, Vic, Vic, I'm so glad somebody's finally here who knows what's
going on. My son Eddie's a fuck-up. He's ruining the business. I
mean, I love the guy, but you know, he's flushing everything down the
toilet. That's what you said, right, Joe? I mean tell him yourself.
JOE
Eddie, I hate for you to hear it like this, but Vic come in and asks
me how business was, and you don't lie to a guy who's just done four
years in the slammer.
EDDIE
That's very true.
JOE
All right! Enough of this shit! Break it up! Come on! This ain't a
playground! You guys want to roll around on the floor, you do it in
Eddie's office, not mine.
EDDIE
Daddy, did you see that?
JOE
What?
EDDIE
The guy got me on the ground, he tried to fuck me.
MR. BLONDE
You wish.
EDDIE
You sick bastard, Vic. You tried to fuck me in my father's office.
Look, Vic, whatever you want to do in your own home, go to it, but
don't try to fuck me. You know, I don't think of you that way. I like
you a lot buddy, but I don't think of you that way.
MR. BLONDE
Liste, if I was a butt cowboy, I wouldn't even throw you to the
posse.
EDDIE
No you wouldn't. You'd keep me for yourself. You know, four years
fucking punks up the ass, you'd appreciate a piece of prime rib when
you see it.
MR. BLONDE
I might break you in, Nice Guy, but I'd make you my dog's bitch.
EDDIE
Ain't that a sad sight, daddy? A man walks into prison a white man,
walks out talking like a fucking nigger. You know what? I think it's
all that black semen been pumped up your ass so far, now it's backed
into your fucking brain and it's coming out your mouth.
MR. BLONDE
Eddie, you keep talking like a bitch, I'm gonna slap you like a
bitch.
JOE
All right, enough of this shit! I'm sick of it! Now, both of you, sit
down. Now, Eddie, when you came in here, we were talking some serious
business. Now Vic here's got a parole problem.
EDDIE
Who's your P.O.?
MR. BLONDE
Seymour Scagnetti.
EDDIE
Scagnetti. Fuck. I hear he's a motherfucker.
MR. BLONDE
Oh, he's a fucker. Won't even let me leave the halfway house, unless
I get some shitty job.
EDDIE
You're coming back to work for us, right?
MR BLONDE
Well, I wanna. First I got to prove to asshead that I can get a
regular job job-type job before I can move out on my own. I can't
work for you guys if I got to worry about making some silly-ass 10
o'clock curfew every fucking night.
JOE
All right. We can work this out, can't we, Eddie?
EDDIE
This ain't all that bad. We can get you a lot of legitimate jobs.
I'll get you down in Long Beach as a dock worker.
MR. BLONDE
I don't want to lift no fucking crates, Eddie.
EDDIE
Vic, you ain't going to lift shit. You'll never work there, but as
far as the records are concerned, you do. I call Matthews the foreman
and tell him he's got a new guy-- boom--you're on the rotation. You
got a time card - it's clocked in and out for you every day, and at
the end of the week, you get a nice paycheck. Dock workers do very
well. So you move into a halfway decent place without this Scagnetti
fuck going, "Hey! Where the fuck's the money coming from?" And if he
decides to make a surprise visit, that's the day we sent you to
Tustin, pick up a load of shit and bring it back. If he comes back
again, hey "Sorry, Seymour. You just missed him. We had to send him
out to the Taft airstrip five fucking hours away. We had a load of
shit we had to have him pick up there and bring back here." Look,
part of your job, Vic, is going different places, and that's the
beauty of it; we got places all over the place.
JOE
See, Vic? Did I tell you not to worry? Here Vic was worried.
EDDIE
I'll take you to Long Beach tomorrow. We'll get you fixed up with
matthews, I'll tell him what's what.
MR BLONDE
You know, I really appreciate what you guys are doing, but I'd like
to know when I can come back, you know, do some real work.
JOE
Well, it's hard to say. It's kind of a strange time now. Things are
kind of--
EDDIE
They're a little fucked up is what they are. Look we're just getting
ready for a big meeting right now in Vegas.
JOE
Look,just let Eddie for now set you up at Long Beach, get you a job,
give you some cash, get this Scagnetti fuck off your back, then we'll
talk to you, all right? Huh?
EDDIE
Dad... I got an idea. Now, just-- just hear me out. I know you don't
like using the boys on these jobs, but Vic here, I mean he's only
been nothing but good luck for us. The guy's a fucking rabbit's foot
for crying out loud. I'd like to have him in. You know he can handle
himself, and you damn sure know you can trust him.
JOE
Vic, how would you feel about pulling a job with about five other
guys?
MR. BLONDE
I'd feel great about it.
RADIO
K-billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies continues. And if you're the
12th caller, you'll win two tickets to the Monster-Truck Extravaganza
being held tonight at the Carson fairgrounds, featuring Big Daddy Don
Bodine's truck the Behemoth. 12th Caller wins on the station where
the seventies survived.
I gotcha uh-huh, uh ya thought I didn't see ya now, didn't ya?
EDDIE
Hey, Dove, we got a major situation here. I know you know that. I got
to talk to Daddy, and find out what he wants done.
EDDIE
All I know is what Vic told me, man, said the place turned into a
fucking bullet festival. He took a cop hostage just to get the fuck
out of there.
MR. PINK
Get up! Get up!
You promised me the day that you quit your boyfriend
EDDIE
Do I sound like I'm fucking joking? He's fucking driving around with
a cop in his trunk!
Ya promised me that it would be just us two...
EDDIE
I don't know who did what! I don't know who's got the loot. I don't
know if anybody's got the loot. I don't know who's dead, I don't know
who's alive, I don't know who's caught, I don't know who's not!
Never should've promised to me
Give it here - don't hold back now!
Give it here - don't say nothing!
Just give it here, come on, give it here, give it here, give it here
...
EDDIE
I will know. I'm practically there now. But what do I tell these guys
about Daddy? All right. You're sure that's what he said? OK, that's
what I'll tell them.
MR. PINK
Fuck you! You like being a fucking hero, huh? You like being a
fucking hero? Ow, fuck!
MR. WHITE
You're going to suffer for nothing, pal. You hear me? 'Cause you're
going to fucking talk.
COP
I don't fucking know anything!
MR. WHITE
You fucking know. You know. Look at me. You fucking know.
EDDIE (arriving) What in the Sam Hill's going on here?
MR. PINK
Hey - Nice Guy, we got a cop.
MR. WHITE
You ask me what's going on? Where the fuck is Joe?
EDDIE
Holy shit. Orange is dead.
MR. WHITE
No, he's not dead, but he will be if we don't get him taken care of.
MR. PINK
Listen. We were set up. The cops were there waiting for us.
EDDIE
What? Nobody fucking set anybody up!
MR. PINK
The cops were there waiting for us, man!
EDDIE
Bullshit.
MR. PINK
Hey fuck you man! You weren't there, we were! And I'm telling you the
cops had that store staked out!
EDDIE
OK, Mr. Fucking detective, you're so fucking smart. Huh? Who did it?
MR. PINK
What the hell d'you think we've been askin each other?
EDDIE
Yeah? What you come up with huh? You think I did it? You think I
fucking set you up?
MR. PINK
I don't know. But somebody did.
EDDIE
Nobody did. You fucking assholes turned a jewelry store into--
MR. WHITE
Don't you call me an asshole!
EDDIE
You fucking idiot-- turned a fucking jewelry store into a wild west
show--
MR. WHITE
Don't you call me a fucking idiot!
EDDIE
-- and you wonder why the fucking cops show up!
MR. BLONDE
Where's Joseph?
EDDIE
I don't know. I ain't talked to him. I talked to Dove. He says
Daddy's coming down here, and he's fucking pissed.
MR. PINK
He's pissed? I told you he'd be pissed.
MR. BLONDE
What did Joe say?
EDDIE
I told you I ain't talked to him! All I know is he's pissed!
MR. WHITE
What are you gonna do about him?
EDDIE
Jesus Christ. Give me a a fucking chance to breathe. I got a few
questions of my own here.
MR. WHITE
You ain't dying. He is.
EDDIE
All right, Mr. Fucking compassion, I will call somebody!
MR. WHITE
Who?
EDDIE
A fucking snake charmer! What do you think? I'll call a doctor! He'll
fix him right up. Now, what happened to Brown and Blue?
MR. PINK
Brown's dead. We don't know what happened to Blue.
EDDIE
Brown's dead? Are you sure?
MR. WHITE
I'm sure. I was there. He took one in the head.
EDDIE
Nobody's got a clue what happened to Mr. Blue?
MR. BLONDE
Either he's alive, or he's dead, or the cops got him, or they don't.
EDDIE
Take this the bastard you told me about? Why you beating on him?
MR. PINK
Maybe he can tell us who the fuck set us up.
EDDIE
If you fucking beat this prick long enough, he'll tell you he started
the goddamn Chicago fire. Now that don't necessarily make it fucking
so! Come on, man, think! All right! First things fucking last-- who's
got the stones? Please, somebody, at least, tell me one little
fucking favor, just for my sake.
MR PINK
I got a bag. I got a bag, OK? I stashed them to make sure this place
wasn't a police station.
EDDIE
Good for you. Now, let's go get it. First, we gotta get rid of those
cars outside. Looks like Sam's hot car lot out there. OK. Blondie,
stay here and babysit them two. White and Pink, take a car each. I'll
follow you. You ditch them. Pick up the stones. While I'm following
you, I'll arrange some sort of a doctor for our friend.
MR. WHITE
We can't leave these guys here with him.
EDDIE
Why not?
MR. WHITE
'Cause he's a fucking psycho. And if you think Joe's pissed off, that
ain't nothing compared to how pissed off I am at him for putting me
in the same room as that bastard!
MR. BLONDE
You see what i've been putting up with, Eddie? I fucking walked in
here, I told these guys about staying put, Mr. White whips out his
gun, he's sticking it in my face, calling me a motherfucker, saying
he's going to blow me away, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
MR. WHITE
He's the reason the joint turned into a shooting spree. What are you,
a fucking silent partner? Tell him!
MR. PINK
He went crazy in the store but he seems all right now.
MR. wHITE This is what he was doing-- Bam...Bam... Bam...Bam.
MR. BLONDE
Yeah, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I told them not to touch the fucking
alarm, they did. If they hadn't done what I told them not to do,
they'd still be alive.
MR. WHITE
(applauds) My fucking hero.
MR. BLONDE
(joins in appause, and takes a bow) Thanks.
MR. WHITE
That's your excuse for going on a kill-crazy rampage?
MR. BLONDE
I don't like alarms, Mr. White.
EDDIE
What's it matter who stays with the cop? We ain't letting him go, not
after he's seen everybody.
COP
I haven't been looking.
MR. PINK
Shut the fuck up, man!
EDDIE
You guys should've never taken him out of the trunk in the first
place.
MR. PINK
We've been trying to find out about the setup.
EDDIE
There is no fucking setup! Now, here's the news! Blondie, you stay
here, take care of these two. White and Pink, you come with me,
'cause if Joe gets here and he sees all these cars parked outside, I
swear to you he's gonna be just as mad at me as he is at you!
MR. PINK
Fine, let's go.
MR. BLONDE
Alone at last. Guess what! I think I'm parked in a red zone. (laughs)
Now, where were we?
COP
I told you I don't know anything about any fucking setup. I've been
on the force for only eight months. They don't tell me anything.
Nobody tells me shit. You can torture me all you want.
MR. BLONDE
Torture you, that's a good-- that's a good idea. I like that one.
Yeah.
COP
Even your boss said there wasn't a setup.
MR. BLONDE
My what?
COP
Your boss.
MR. WHITE
Excuse me, pal. One thing I want to make clear to you. I don't have a
boss. Nobody tells me what to do. You understand? (slaps cop) Hear
what I said, you son of a bitch?
COP
All right, all right, you don't have a boss. All right.
MR. BLONDE
Look at that fucking shit. Look, kid, I'm not going to bullshit you,
OK? I don't really give a good fuck what you know or don't know. But
I'm going to torture you anyway... regardless. Not to get
information. It's amusing to me to torture a cop. You can say
anything you want 'cause I've heard it all before. (tapes up cop's
mouth) All you can do is pray for a quick death... which... you ain't
going to get.
MR. BLONDE
You ever listen to K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies? It's my
personal favorite.
RADIO
Joe Egan and Gerry Rafferty were a duo known as Stealer's Wheel when
they recorded this Dylanesque, pop, bubble-gum favorite from April of
1974. That reached up to number five, as K-Billy's Super Sounds of
the Seventies continues.
Well, I don't know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that somethin' ain't right
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair
And I'm wonderin' how I'll get down the stairs
Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am stuck in the middle with you
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you
And I'm wonderin' what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face
MR. BLONDE
Hold still!
Losing control, I'm all over the place
MR. BLONDE
Hold still, you fuck!
Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am stuck in the middle with you
Well, you started out with nothin'
And you're proud that you're a self-made man
And your friends they all come crawlin'
Slap you on the back and say... please ... please ...
MR. BLONDE
That as good for you as it was for me? (talks into sliced-off ear)
Hey, what's going on? You hear that? Don't go anywhere. I'll be right
back.
Trying to make some sense of it all
But I can see it makes no sense at all
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor?
I don't think that I can take any more
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am stuck in the middle...
Ple-ee-ee-ee-ee-ease
ple-ee-ee-ee-ee-ease
And I don't know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that somethin' ain't right
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair
and I'm wonderin' how i'll get down the stairs
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you
Yes, i'm stuck in the middle with you
Stuck in the middle with you
Here I am ... stuck in the middle with you
COP
Aah! Aah! Aah! Don't! Stop! Stop! Stop. Don't!
MR. BLONDE
What? What's the matter?
COP
Don't do this! Please!
MR. BLONDE
That burn a little bit?
COP
Stop! Please. Stop. Just stop. Stop...Just talk to me. Please, don't.
Please, don't-- don't burn me, please! Ow...Aah! I'm begging you.
I--i don't know anything about any of you fucking guys! I'm not going
to say anything. Don't! Please don't! Don't! Stop!
MR. BLONDE
You all through? You all through?
COP
Please, look, I got a little kid at home, now please!
MR. BLONDE
You all done?
COP
Don't. Don't!
MR. BLONDE
Have some fire, scarecrow.
[BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG CLICK CLICK]
COP
Fuck.
MR. ORANGE
Hey
COP
Ah...Shit.
MR. ORANGE
Hey, you. What's your name?
COP
Marvin.
MR. ORANGE
Marvin what?
COP
Marvin Nash.
MR. ORANGE
Listen, Marvin, I'm a c-- listen to me, Marvin Mash, I'm a cop.
COP
Yeah, I know.
MR. ORANGE
You do?
COP
Yeah, you're name's Freddy something.
MR. ORANGE
Nuendyke, Freddy Nuendyke.
COP
Frankie Ferchetti introduced us about five months ago.
MR. ORANGE
Shit, I don't remember that at all.
COP
I do. Fuck. Freddy. Freddy. Uh, Freddy. How do I look?
COP
What?
MR. ORANGE
I don't know what to tell you, Marvin.
COP
That fuck. Oh, that sick fuck! That fucking bastard!
MR. ORAMGE
Marvin, I need you to hold on. There's cops waiting to move in a
block away.
COP
What the fuck are they waiting for? This fucking guy slashes my face,
and he cuts my fucking ear off! I'm fucking deformed!
MR. ORANGE
Fuck you! Fuck you! I'm fucking dying here! I'm fucking dying! You're
not to make a move till Joe Cabot shows up. I was sent in to get him.
All right? Now you heard me. They said he's on his way. Don't pussy
out on me now, Marvin. We're just going to sit here and bleed till
Joe Cabot sticks his fucking head through that door.
MR. ORANGE
Say hello to a motherfucker who's inside. Cabot's doing a job and
take a big fat guess who he wants on the team.
HOLDAWAY
This better not be some kind of Freddy joke, man.
MR. ORANGE
This ain't no joke. I'm in there, up his ass. (they hug) Nice Guy
Eddie tells me Joe wants to meet me. Says I should just hang in my
appartment and wait for a phone call. After waiting three goddamn
days by the fucking phone, he calls last night and says Joe's ready,
and he'll pick me up in 15 minutes.
HOLDAWAY
Who picked you up?
MR. ORANGE
Nice Guy. Get to a bar--
HOLDAWAY
What bar?
MR. ORANGE
Smokey Pete's in Gardena. We get there, and I meet Joe and a guy
named Mr. White, it's a phony name - my name's Mr. Orange.
HOLDAWAY
Mr. Orange?
MR. ORANGE
Mr. Orange.
HOLDAY
OK, Mr. Orange, have you ever seen this motherfucker before?
MR. ORANGE
Who? Mr. White?
HOLDAWAY
Yes, Mr. Orange, Mr. White.
MR. ORANGE
No, he ain't familiar. He ain't one of Cabot's soldiers either. He's
got to be from out of town. Joe knows him real good.
HOLDAWAY
How can you tell?
MR. ORANGE
The way they talk to each other - you can tell they're buddies.
HOLDAWAY
The two of you talk?
MR. ORANGE
Who, me and Joe?
HOLDAWAY
Mr. White.
MR. ORANGE
A little.
HOLDAWAY
About what?
MR. ORANGE
Brewers.
HOLDAWAY
Milwaukee Brewers?
MR. ORANGE
Yeah. Apparently they won the night before. He made a killing off
'em.
HOLDAWAY
Now this is sweet, man, 'cos if this crook's a Brewers fan, his ass
has gotta be from Wisconsin. And I'll bet you everything from a
diddled-eye-Joe to a damned-if-I-know that in Milwaukee they got a
sheet on this Mr. White motherfucker's ass. So what I want you to do
is to go through the mugs of all the guys from old Milwaukee with a
history of armed robbery. Put a name to the face. Nice work.
MR. ORANGE
Thank you, my man.
HOLDAWAY
How was Long Beach Mike's referral?
MR. ORANGE
Perfecto. He's backing me up a long fucking way. I told 'em it was
Long Beach Mike, I did the poker game, but when Nice Guy called him
to check it out, he said it was A-OK. He said I was a good thief. I
didn't rattle. I was ready to make a move. Do right by him. He's a
good guy. I wouldn't be inside if it wasn't for him.
HOLDAWAY
No, no, no, no, no. Long Beach Mike is not your fucking amigo, man.
Long Beach Mike is a fucking scumbag. He's selling out his amigos.
That's what kind of a nice guy he fucking is, all right? I'll take
care of his fucking ass, but you get that lowlife scumbag out of mind
and take care of business, you hear?
MR. ORANGE
Gone.
HOLDAWAY
Use the commode story?
MR. ORANGE
What's the commode story?
HOLDAWAY
It's a scene, man. Memorize it.
MR. ORANGE
What?
HOLDAWAY
Look, man an undercover cop's got to be Marlon Brando. To do this
job, you got to be a great actor. You got to be naturalistic - you
got to be naturalistic as hell. 'Cos If you ain't a great actor,
you're a bad actor, and bad acting is bullshit in this job.
MR. ORANGE
Yeah. What is this?
HOLDAWAY
That's an amusing anecdote about a drug deal.
MR. ORANGE
What?
HOLDAWAY
Something funny that happened to you while you were doing a fucking
job, man.
MR. ORANGE
I got to memorize all this? That's over four fucking pages of this
shit, man.
HOLDAWAY
Look, man, just think about it like it's a joke, all right?. You
memorize what's important, the rest make your own, all right? You can
tell a joke, can't you?
MR. ORANGE
No.
HOLDAWAY
Pretend you're Don Rickles or some-fucking-body and tell the joke,
all right. Now the things you gotta remember are the details. It's
the details that sell your story. Now this particular story takes
place in a mens' room. So you got to know all the details about the
mens' room; you gotta know if they got paper towels or a blower to
dry your hands with. You gotta know if the stalls ain't got no doors
or not, man. You gotta know if they got liquid soap or that pink
granulated powdered shit they used to use in high school, remember?
You gotta know if they got hot water or not, if it stinks. If some
nasty, low-life, scum-ridden motherfucker, man, sprayed diarrhea all
over one of the bowls. You got to know every detail there is to know
about this commode. So what you've got to do is take all them
details, man, and make them your own. While you're doing that, you
gotta remember this story's about you and how you perceived the
events that went down. The only way to do that, my brother-- keep
saying it and saying it and saying it and saying it and saying it.
MR. ORANGE
This was during the Los Angeles marijuana drought of 1986. I still
had a connection, which was insane, 'cause you couldn't get any weed
any-fucking-where. Anyway... I had a connection with this hippie
chick up in Santa Cruz and all my friends knew it. They'd give me a
call and say, "Hey, Freddy." (Imitates buzzer) say "Hey, dude... You
getting some? Then get some for me, too.", like they knew I still
smoked so they asked me to buy some for them when I was buying for
me, but it got to be... got to be ... got to be ... (looks at paper
to remind himself) Got to be every time I bought some weed, I was
buying for four or five different fucking people. Finally I said,
"Fuck this shit. I'm making this bitch rich." She didn't have to do
jack shit. She never even had to meet these people. I was doing all
the work.
Then got to be a pain in the ass. People called me on the phone all the fucking time. I couldn't even rent a fucking tape without six fucking phone calls interrupting me. "Hey - When's the next time you're getting some?" "Motherfucker. I'm trying to watch the Lost Boys, you know. When I get some, I'll let you know." Then these rink-a-dink pot heads come by-- they're my friends and everything, but still, you know-- I've got all my shit laid out in $60 bags. They don't want $60 worth. They want $10 worth. To break it up is a major fuckin pain in the ass. I don't even know what $10 worth looks like.
This is a very weird situation. 'Cos I don't know if you remember back in '86 there was a major fucking drought. Nobody had anything. People were living on resin-- smoking the wood in their pipes for months. This chick had a bunch. And she's begging me to sell it. So I told her I wasn't going to be Joe the potman anymore, but I would take a little bit and sell it to my close, close, close friends. She agreed to that, said we'd keep the same arrangement as before; 10%, free pot for me, as long as I helped her out that weekend. She had a brick of weed she was selling, she didn't want to go to the buy alone. Her brother usually goes with her, but he's in county unexpectedly.
MR. WHITE
What for?
MR. ORANGE
His traffic tickets - got a warrant. They stopped him for something,
found warrants on him, took him to county. Now she doesn't walk
around alone with all that weed. I don't want to do this. I have a
very bad feeling about it. But she keeps asking me, keeps asking me,
keeps asking me, finally I said OK 'cause I'm sick of hearing it.
Now, we're picking the guy up at the train station--
EDDIE
Wait a minute. You go to the train station to pick up the buyer with
the weed on you?
MR. ORANGE
The guy needed it right away - don't ask me why. Anyway, we're get to
the station and we're waiting for the guy. I'm carrying the weed in
one of those little carry-on bags. I got to take a piss. So I tell
the connection I'll be right back - i'm going to the boys' room. So I
walk in the mens' room, and who's standing there? Four Los Angeles
county sheriffs and a german shepherd.
EDDIE
They're waiting for you?
MR. ORANGE
No, they're just a bunch of cops hanging out in the men's room,
talking. When I walked through the door, they all stopped what they
were talking about and they looked at me.
MR. WHITE
(Laughs) That's hard, man. That's a fucking hard situation.
MR. ORANGE
German shepherd starts barking. He's barking at me. I mean, it's
obvious. He's barking at me. Every nerve-ending, all my senses, blood
in my veins, everything I have is screaming, "Take off, man! Just
bail, just get the fuck out of there!" Panic hits me like a bucket of
water. First there's the shock of it - bam! - right in the face. I'm
standing there drenched in panic. All these sheriffs looking at me,
and they know, man. They can smell it. Sure as that fucking dog can,
they can smell it on me.
SHERIFF 1
Shut up! So anyway, I've got my gun drawn, right? And I got it
pointed right at this guy. I tell him, "Freeze! Don't fucking move,"
and this little idiot's looking right at me, nodding his head yeah,
saying, "I know. I know. I know." But meanwhile his right hand's
creeping towards the glove box. I scream at him, "Asshole! I'm going
to fucking blow you away right now! Put your hands on the dash!" And
he's still looking at me, nodding his head, "I know, buddy, I know, I
know." And meanwhile his hand's still going for the glove box, and I
said, "Buddy, i'm going to shoot you in the face if you don't put
your hands on the fucking dash!" And this guy's girlfriend-- this
real sexy oriental bitch, you know? She starts screaming at him,
"Chuck! Chuck! What are you doing? Put your hands on the dash!" So
the guy snaps out of it and casually puts his hands on the dash.
SHERIFF 2
What was he going for?
SHERIFF 1
His fucking registration.
SHERIFF 2
Ha ha! You're kidding!
SHERIFF 1
No, man. Stupid fucking citizen doesn't know how close he came to
getting blown away. That close, man.
SHERIFF1
...a bonehead running round the neighborhood police brutality--
JOE
You knew how to handle that situation. Just shit your pants and dive
in and swim.
HOLDAWAY
Tell me more about Cabot.
MR. ORANGE
Well, I don't know. He's--he's a cool guy.
HOLDAWAY
Huh?
MR. ORANGE
He's funny. He's a funny guy. You remember the fantastic four?
HOLDAWAY
Oh, yeah, with that, uh, invisible bitch and, uh, flame-on and shit,
right?
MR. ORANGE
Thing... Motherfucker looks just like the thing.
MR. ORANGE
Yeah?
EDDIE
Hey. Showtime. Grab your jacket. I'm parked outside.
MR. ORANGE
Be right down.
EDDIE
He'll be right down.
My sunshine
Part he always liked the best
when she'd tease him with a kiss
and she said you make me happy
Be a fool for love
what he wouldn't do for love
he's a fool, a fool for love
born a fool, you got to follow the rule
always a foo--
MR. ORANGE
Don't pussy out on me now. They don't know. They don't know shit.
You're not going to get hurt. You're fucking baretta. They believe
every fucking word 'cause you're super cool.
COP 1
There goes our boy.
COP 2
I swear, the guy has to have rocks in his head the size of gibraltar
to work undercover.
COP 1
You want one of these?
COP 2
Yeah. Give me the bear claw.
Ooh-ga shocka
ooh-ga, ooh-ga, ooh-ga chukka
ooh-ga, ooh-ga, ooh-ga chukka
ooh-ga, ooh-ga, ooh-ga chukka
ooh-ga, ooh-ga
I can't stop this feelin' deep inside...
MR. PINK
Hey - I know what i'm talking about OK. Black women ain't the same as
white women.
MR. WHITE
There's a slight difference.
MR. PINK
Very funny. You know what I mean. What a white bitch will put up with
a black bitch wouldn't put up with for a minute, man. They got a
line, and if you cross it, they fuck you up.
EDDIE
I gotta go along with Pink on that one. I've seen it happen.
MR. WHITE
Okay, Mr. Expert. If this is such a truism, why is it that every
nigger I know treats his woman like a piece of shit?
MR. PINK
I'll make you a bet that those same damn niggers who were showin
their ass in public, when their bitches get 'em home, man, they chill
the fuck out.
MR. WHITE
Not these guys.
MR. PINK
Oh yeah, those guys too.
EDDIE
Tell you guys a story. In one of daddy's clubs there was this black
cocktail waitress named Elois.
MR. WHITE
E - lois?
EDDIE
E - lois. E... And lois. They called her Lady E.
MR. WHITE
Where was she from, Compton?
EDDIE
She was from Ladera Heights.
MR. PINK
Oh - Ladera Heights - that's the black Beverly Hills.
EDDIE
It's not the black beverly hills. It's the black Palos Verdes.
Anyway... Lady E, Lady E, she was a man-eater-upper.
Un-fucking-believeable. Every guy that ever ever laid his eyes on her
had to jack-off to her at least once. You know who she looked like?
She looked like Christie Love. Remember that TV show--
MR. PINK
Oh! Yeah, yeah yeah
EDDIE
--Christie Love about the black female cop? She always used to say:
EDDIE & MR. PINK IN UNISON
"You're under arrest, sugar."
MR. PINK
What was the name of the chick who played Christie Love?
EDDIE
Pam Grier.
MR. ORANGE
No, it wasn't Pam Grier. Pam Grier was the other one. Pam Grier did
the film. Christie Love was like a Pam Grier TV show without Pam
Grier.
MR. PINK
So who was Christie Love?
MR. ORANGE
How the fuck should I know?
MR. PINK
Great, now I'm totally fucking tortured.
EDDIE
Whoever it was, it doesn't matter, she looked exactly like Elois.
MR. ORANGE
Anne Francis.
MR. WHITE
No, that was Honey West.
MR. PINK
Anne Francis is white.
EDDIE
Shut up! I'm trying to tell a story here. She looked exactly like
Elois. Anyway, I come into the club one night. There's Carlos - he's
the bartender - he's a wetback - he's a friend of mine. I says to
him, "Carlos, where's Lady E tonight?" Now apparently Lady E was
married to a real piece of dogshit, a real fucking animal. He used to
do things to her.
MR. ORANGE
Do things--do things. Like what? What would he do, beat her up or
something?
EDDIE
I don't know what he did. He just did things, alright. So, anyway,
one night she plays it real cool. She waits for this bag of shit to
get drunk. He falls asleep on the fucking couch. She sneaks up on
him. She puts some wacko glue on his dick and glues his dick to his
belly.
MR. PINK
No!
MR. WHITE
Jesus Christ!
EDDIE
I'm serious, man. I'm serious. I'm dead serious. They had to call the
paramedics to cut the prick loose, literally.
MR. ORANGE
... do some crazy things ...
MR. WHITE
Was he all pissed off? (laughs)
EDDIE
How would you feel if every time you had to take a piss you had to do
a fucking handstand?
JOE
You guys like to tell jokes and giggle and kid around, huh? Giggling
like a bunch of young broads in the schoolyard. Well, let me tell a
joke. Five guys sitting in a bullpen, San Quentin, wondering how the
fuck they got there. "What did we do wrong?" "What should've we
done?" "What didn't we do?" "Whatdabbada..." "It's your fault, my
fault, his fault." All that bullshit. Finally someone's comes up with
the idea-- "Wait a minute. While we were planning this caper, all we
did was sit around and tell fucking jokes." Got the message? Fellas,
I don't mean to holler at you. When this caper's over, and I'm sure
it's going to be a successful one, hell we'll get down to Hawaii, and
I'll roar and laugh with all of you. You'll find me a different
character round here. Right now it's a matter of business. With the
exception of Eddie and myself, whom you already know, we're going to
be using aliases on this job. Under no circumstances do I want any
one of you to relate to each other by your christian names, and I
don't want any talk about yourself personally. That includes where
you been, your wife's name, where you might've done time, or a bank
maybe you robbed in St. Petersburg. All I want you guys to talk about
if you have to, is what you're going to do. That should do it. Here
are your names... Mr. Brown, Mr. White, Mr. Blonde, Mr. Blue, Mr.
Orange, and Mr. Pink.
MR. PINK
Why am I Mr. Pink?
JOE
Because you're a faggot, all right?
MR. PINK
Why can't we pick our own colors?
JOE
No way, no way. Tried it once, it doesn't work. You get four guys all
fighting over who's gonna be Mr. Black. But they don't know each
other, so nobody wants to back down. No way, I pick. You're Mr. Pink.
Be thankful you're not Mr. Yellow.
MR. BROWN
Yeah, but Mr. Brown, that's a little too close to Mr. Shit.
MR. PINK
Mr. Pink sounds like Mr. Pussy. How about if i'm Mr. Purple? That
sounds good to me. I'll be Mr. Purple.
JOE
You're not Mr. Purple. Some guy on some other job is Mr. Purple.
You're Mr. Pink.
MR. WHITE
Who cares what your name is?
MR. PINK
Yeah, that's easy for you to say. You're Mr. White. You have a cool
sounding name. All right look, if it's no big deal to be Mr. Pink,
you wanna trade?
JOE
Hey, nobody's trading with anybody. This ain't a goddamn fucking city
council meeting, you know. Now listen up, Mr. Pink. There's two ways
you can go on this job-- my way or the highway. Now what's it going
to be, Mr. Pink?
MR. PINK
Jesus christ. Fucking forget about it. It's beneath me. I'm Mr. Pink.
Let's move on.
JOE
I'll move on when I feel like it. All you guys got the goddamn
message? I'm so goddamn mad hollering at you guys, I can hardly talk.
Let's go to work.
MR. WHITE
Let's go over it. Where are you?
MR. ORANGE
I stand outside and guard the door. I don't let anybody go in or go
out.
MR. WHITE
Mr. Brown?
MR. ORANGE
Mr. Brown waits in the car. He's parked across the street, til I give
him the signal, then he pulls up outside of the store.
MR. WHITE
Mr. Blonde and Mr. Blue?
MR. ORANGE
Crowd control--they handle the customers and the employees.
MR. WHITE
That girl's ass?
MR. ORANGE
It's sitting right here on my dick.
MR. WHITE
(Laughs) Myself and Mr. Pink?
MR. ORANGE
You two take the manager in the back and make him give you the
diamonds. We're there for those stones--period. Since no display
cases are being fucked with, no alarms should go off. We're out of
there in two minutes, not one second longer. What happens if the
manager won't give you the diamonds?
MR. WHITE
When you're dealing with a store like this, they're insured up the
ass. They're not supposed to give you any resistance whatsoever. If
you get a customer or an employee who thinks he's Charles Bronson,
take the butt of your gun and smash their nose in. It drops him right
to the floor. Everyone jumps. He falls down screaming. Blood squirts
out of his nose. Freaks everybody out. Nobody says fucking shit after
that. You might get some bitch talk shit to you. But give her a look
like you're going to smash her face next, watch her shut the fuck up.
Now if it's the manager, that's a different story. The managers know
better than to fuck around. So if you get one that's giving you
static, he probably thinks he's a real cowboy, so you gotta break
that son of a bitch in two. If you wanna know something he won't tell
you, cut off one of his fingers-- the little one. Then tell him his
thumb's next. After that, he'll tell you if he wears ladies'
underwear. I'm hungry. Let's get a taco.
MR. BROWN
Come on! Fuck!
MR. BROWN
Jesus. I got blood everywhere - I'm fucking blind.
MR. ORANGE
You're not blind, you just got blood in your eyes, all right?
MR. WHITE
Is he dead? Did he die or not? Let's go.
MR. WHITE
Hold it! Hold it! Right there! Get out of the fucking car!
MR. ORANGE
I'm sorry, larry. I--I can't believe she killed me! Who the fuck
would have thought that?
MR. WHITE
Hey! Just cancel that shit right now! You're hurt! You're hurt real
fucking bad, but you ain't dying!
MR. ORANGE
Shit... All this blood scares the shit out of me, Larry! I'm going to
die! I know it!
EDDIE
What the fuck happened?
MR. ORANGE
He slashed the cop's face, cut off his ear, and was going to burn him
alive.
EDDIE
What? I didn't hear you.
MR. ORANGE
I said... Blonde went crazy. He slashed the cop's face, cut off his
ear, and was going to burn him alive.
EDDIE
This cop?
EDDIE
He went crazy? Something like that? Worse or better?
MR. ORANGE
Eddie, he was pulling a burn, man. He was going to kill the cop and
me. When you guys walked through the door, he was going to blow you
to hell and make off with the diamonds.
MR. WHITE
What did I tell you? That sick piece of shit was a stone-cold psycho.
MR. ORANGE
You could've asked the cop if you didn't just kill him. He talked
about what he was going to do when he was slicing him up.
EDDIE
I don't buy it. It doesn't make sense.
MR. WHITE
Makes perfect fucking sense to me. You weren't there during the job,
Eddie, you didn't see how he acted. We did.
MR. PINK
He's right about the ear. It's hacked off.
EDDIE
Let me just say this out loud, 'cause I want to get this straight in
my head. You're saying that Mr. Blonde was going to kill you, then
when we got back, he was going to kill us, take the satchel of
diamonds, and scram. I'm right about that right? That's correct?
That's your story?
MR. ORANGE
I swear on my mother's eternal soul that's what happened.
EDDIE
The man you just killed just got released from prison. He got caught
at a company warehouse full of hot items. He could have fucking
walked. All he had to do was say my dad's name, but he didn't; he
kept his fucking mouth shut. And he did his fucking time, and he did
it like a man. He did four years for us. So, Mr. Orange, you're
telling me this very good friend of mine, who did four years for my
father, who, in four years, never made a deal, no matter what they
dangled in front of him, you're telling me that now that this man is
free and we're making good on our commitment to him, he's just going
to decide, out of the fucking blue, to rip us off? Why don't you tell
me what really happened?
JOE (arriving) What the hell for? It'd just be more bullshit. This man set us up.
EDDIE
Dad, I'm sorry, but I don't know what the hell's happening.
JOE
It's all right, Eddie. I do.
MR. WHITE
What the fuck are you talking about?
JOE
That lump of shit's working with the L.A.P.D.
MR. ORANGE
Joe, I don't have the slightest fucking idea what you're talking
about.
MR. WHITE
Joe, Joe, I don't know what you think you know, but you're wrong.
JOE
Like hell I am.
MR. WHITE
Joe, trust me on this. You've made a mistake. He's a good kid. I
understand. You're hot. You're superfucking pissed. We're all real
emotional. But you're barking up the wrong tree. I know this man. He
wouldn't do that.
JOE
You don't know jackshit! I do! The cocksucker tipped off the cops and
had Mr. Brown and Mr. Blue killed.
MR. PINK
Mr. Blue is dead?
JOE
Dead as Dillinger.
MR. WHITE
How do you know all this?
JOE
He's the only one I wasn't 100% on. I should have my fucking head
examined, going ahead when I wasn't 100%.
MR. WHITE
That's your proof?
JOE
You don't need proof when you have instinct. I ignored it before, but
no more.
EDDIE
Have you lost your fucking mind?
MR. WHITE
Joe, you're making a terrible mistake I'm not gonna let you make it.
MR. PINK
Come on, guys. Nobody wants this. We're supposed to be fucking
professionals.
EDDIE
All right, look, it's been quite a long time, a lot of jobs. There's
no need for this, man. Let's just put our guns down, and let's settle
this with a fucking conversation.
MR. WHITE
Joe, if you kill that man, you die next. I repeat: if you kill that
man, you die next.
EDDIE
Larry, we have been friends, and you respect my dad and I respect
you, but I will put fucking bullets right through your heart. You put
that fucking gun down - now.
MR. WHITE
Goddamn you, Joe. Don't make me do this.
EDDIE
Larry, stop pointing that fucking gun at my dad!
MR. PINK LEAVES WITH THE BAG O' DIAMONDS
MR. WHITE
I'm sorry, kid. Looks like we're going to-- do--do a little time.
MR. ORANGE
I'm a cop. Larry... I'm sorry. I'm so-- so sorry. I'm a cop.
MR. WHITE
(sobbing) Oh! Oh!
MR. ORANGE
Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Larry!
COPS
Freeze! Drop the fucking gun, buddy! Put the gun down! Don't do it!
Drop the gun, man! Drop the gun! Drop the fucking gun! We're going to
fucking blow you away!
brother bought a coconut
he bought it for a dime
his sister had another one
she paid it for the lime
she put the lime in the coconut
she drank 'em both up
she put the lime in the coconut
she drank 'em both up
she put the lime in the coconut
she drank 'em both up
o she put the lime in the coconut
she called the doctor, woke him up
and said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
to relieve this bellyache?
I said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
to relieve this bellyache?
Now let me get this straight
you put the lime in the coconut
you drank 'em both up
put the lime in the coconut
you drank 'em both up
you put the lime in the coconut
you drank 'em both up
you put the lime in the coconut
you called the doctor, woke him up
and said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
to relieve this bellyache?
I said doctor
doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
to relieve this bellyache?
You put the lime in the coconut
you drink 'em both together
put the lime in the coconut
then you'll feel better
put the lime in the coconut
drink 'em both up
put the lime in the coconut
and call me in the morning
whoo hoo
ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ooh
brother bought a coconut
he bought it for a dime
his sister had another one
she paid it for the lime
she put the lime in the coconut
she drank 'em both up
put the lime in the coconut
she called her doctor, woke him up
said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
to relieve this bellyache?
I said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
now let me get this straight
you put the lime in the coconut
you drink 'em both up
put the lime in the coconut
you drink 'em both up
put a lime in the coconut
you drink 'em both up
put the lime in the coconut
you're such a silly woman
put a lime in the coconut
and drink 'em both together
put the lime in the coconut
then you'll feel better
put the lime in the coconut
drink 'em both down
put the lime in the coconut
and call me in the morning
whoo-hoo
ain't there nothin' you can take?
I said whoo hoo ooh
to relieve your bellyache?
You said whoo hoo ooh
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said whoo hoo ooh
to relieve your bellyache?
You said yaa ahh
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said waa ahh
to relieve this bellyache?
I said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
ain't there nothin' I can take?
I said doctor
you're such a silly woman
put the lime in the coconut
and drink 'em both together
put the lime in the coconut
then you'll feel better
put the lime in the coconut
drink 'em both up
put the lime in the coconut
and call me in the morning
yes, you call me in the morning
you call me in the morning
i'll tell you what to do
if you call me in the morning
i'll tell you what to do
if you call me in the morning
i'll tell you what to do...
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