random blahs

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=168 BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF" background="097a11c3.gif"> <div> <IMG SRC="0a181610.jpg" border=0 width="129" height="97" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id96.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="2004"><U><B>2004</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id63.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="2003"><U><B>2003</B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="id40.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="2002"><U><B>2002</B></U></A></div> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#99CC00" FACE="Arial" ><B>oxygen deficiency</B></FONT><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#FFCC99" FACE="Arial" >     </FONT>|   <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="oxygen deficiency"><U><B>home</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id3.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="things you dont want to know"><U>things you don't want to know</U></A>   |   <B>random blahs</B>   |   <A HREF="id4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="pictures"><U>pictures</U></A></div> <div> <IMG SRC="096f4010.gif" border=0 width="500" height="1" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <B>ad infinitum</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>3-17-04</B></div> <div> i'm falling deep deep deep into i don't know what.. that and i'm broke.</div> <div> such tragedy.  yet such happiness. the last few days had been nice.  but the addiction of going online... and feeling like winning the lottery when certain person signs on... quite pathetic yet pleasant.</div> <div> and sad thing is that it's much easier to talk online than when i see him in person.  like today we went out to IHOP for brunch (group of friends) and i got a ride with tom.... and it was awkward for me in the beginning cuz'... i dunno.  then suddenly thought about those hc shit and cars and blah blah blah which made it even more awkward (for me, that is).  and how that he had to leave early cuz' he has to drive elina to school.  i dunno why but that subject just makes me awkward everytime it's mentioned.  such as during eating amanda mentioned it... started on this rant about why she doesn't like elina.  me... silence.</div> <div> and overall... curiosity.  it's really hard to say if the quote "there's no pure friendship between opp sexes" (unless homosexual i guess) is true or not.  in general, i disagree with it.  but the chemistry between two people is hard to measure.  so i just don't know... what i am.  for some people it's so easy to get all intimate with the opp sex without any intention of romance in it.  it's easy to go around for hugs and so on.  it's easy to be unintentionally provocative.  </div> <div> i don't think this has anything to do with being liberal or being conservative.  it's just to me... i guess that i reserve that sort of intimacy and "specialness"  (in subjective definition) only when it's really the right person.  and not just fickle-ly throwing myself all over people.  i'm not saying that there's anything wrong with that... and maybe it's the culture.  i have no vows of abstinence or repulsion towards topics about sex.  yet it gets awkward because the uncertainty of mutual understanding.</div> <div> anyway.  so i don't know what it means that all of a sudden the last 2 weeks we've been talking a lot on msn.  for me it's probably big deal.  but otherwise, on the surface it's just good friends chatting, right?  and the conversation never carries any hints of romance or anything.  so i'm pretty certain that there's nothing going on there (other than me).  but some other times, you just wonder.  and wonder.  and wonder some more.  and wonder if he notices... if he suspects it... if he knows, etc.  and trying to interpret things under different lights, so on.</div> <div> i can't say i'm "torn" because that would be exaggeration.  but it feels like that, somewhat.  that i don't know what i'm feeling except that i like him... yet at times even i can't be sure in what way i like him.  and what to do about it.  of course, not that i'm required to DO something about it.  i can let this run, and just become closer friends.  i dunno anymore.  yet once i have that notion of liking someone romantically, there is a certain barrier that can only be broken (seems like) if the other side responds and reciprocates the feeling.  which means, awkwardness saturates the air, because doubts.  </div> <div> and self-consciousness.  i wouldn't have cared a month ago how stupid i act or look in front of him.  yet now.  which i suppose is inevitable.  i want to tell, but feel that i shouldn't.  that's the torn part.  </div> <div> i'm not even being fickle.  i'm not randomly picking some guy to get obsessed with.  i'm not even obsessed i don't think.  i know it sounds all so cliche (the way i hate it)... but the universal wishing for someone to care about you as much as you care about them.  family and friends are one thing.  i think i've said this before... but the last coordinate to make a triangle, is missing.  </div> <div> obviously i know how much i care about whoever.... but the hard part is that you don't know how much you matter to them.  of course i do realize that i'm not totally inexistent (as the cases in the past).  yet you become greedy and you plow for more.  yes that's what.  you see the potential of being cared about, so you fumble after it.  something like that.  yet the nearer you get to that source of warmth, the less certain you are about its reality, and whether or not that warmth is merely your own heart beating too fast.  so you ask yourself if this is the right path, if that potential warmth is not merely an oasis in the desert, if that prickling feeling is not merely your own device.  and as you choose to continue, the more uncertain you become of that darting light, the notion that slips out of your grasp.... and scattered all too high above you to be deciphered or collected.  too faint to discern.  like the hundred-dollar bill that had gone mistakenly into the laundry... and you wonder at its value... all wrinkly and fettered.  potential?  that is quite too subjective to depend on.  </div> <div> i don't want to be provoking.  i don't want to be confrontational.  i don't want to be a head-ache that stalks you.  i don't want to be some fly that won't go away.  i don't want to be anything but what i could possibly be.  yet i could potentially be all those things.  i could easily turn into a plight that needs to be kept off.  and i don't want it like that.  i'm not even trying to be likeable... i'm just trying best not to carry clouds over me.  being liked is one thing, a thing seeked for.  being disliked is another, one that is fatal.  </div> <div> i'm not making much sense.  head all jumbled up with....  </div> <bR> <div> <B>3-8-04</B></div> <div> i don't know where this is  going.  in a way it seems almost as though i'm making  myself care so much.  this sort of anticipation and anxiety--i've been through this, but on a different level.  when liking randy, the whole thing is VERY self-conscious (on my part) and over-paranoic about every thing.  and i never knew him enough to judge on anything.</div> <div> but tom.  yet i can't get over the fact that all this i'm feeling is most likely rooted from this self-flattering notion of how he might like me.  if that makes any sense.  maybe subconsciously that's how all crushes start anyway.  not that their liking you part is necessarily true, but as a cause, it seems rather logical.  </div> <div> there are people who you can easily tell what they're feeling, as in... if they like someone, it's pretty obvious.  and there are those who, either intentionally or inadvertently, "hide" their feelings, and you just don't know how they feel towards you.  this seems to be the champion of all crush problem.  or something like that.</div> <div> he wasn't with us at lunch today... and it was somewhat disappointing (or should i say REALLY disappointing) because i half came to the school wishfully waiting for lunch, or a time to see him around.  but that didn't seem to go all that well today.  i'm entering the cycle of doom: expectations and disappointments.  </div> <bR> <div> <B>3-7-04</B></div> <div> i'm feeling this strange mix of being content and feeling confused.</div> <div> since friday night i kept going online in wish of finding him there.  and finally last night when i went on for the who-knows-how--many-times, there he was.  of course i had no clear idea of what i wanted to get out... maybe just to fish around to find any trace of possible reciprocation, maybe... but instead, we first talked and laughed over about the misheard lyrics... then somehow it turned to this depression thing.  and i said a lot of shit about myself.  he was kindly trying to help me get out of this loophole and told me about his parents' divorce and how he has come to deal with it.  talked for 3 hrs... and yes i'm sure we got to know each other a lot better, which is what really matters anyway.  but after he signed off, i was just sitting there feeling dazed about this whole deal.  </div> <div> i love the fact that i have no problem talking to him at all.  but i think it's just one of those things:when you like someone, everything that happens between you and him, you take it all too seriously.  and that's what i want to find out, i guess.  if it's just me.  </div> <div> and i was just reading chi's journal entries around the time of homecoming.  i've been there with her... sort of.  about her liking him, and then homecoming (getting costumes with them, seeing her giddy about it, etc), and after homecoming when she doesn't like him that way anymore... to how he confessed about loving her, up to later when they both got sort of frustrated with each other.  this is part of the reason why i always tell myself no to like someone that my friends have had something with.  it's not so much jealousy, but just this strange sort of mutual understanding about this certain feeling that cannot be communicated.  if that makes any sense.  </div> <div> because i would have never thought.  i did like him before.  and as said, i've always liked him slightly more than just a friend.  and maybe i should just keep it that way and continue being neutral friends.  i don't need to go out of my way to tell him about my feelings.  or do i?  maybe it all comes down to how much do i really like him... then evaluate the question of whether or not it's worth it to destroy the seemingly neutralness right now.  although i probably have nothing to lose even if i do tell him.  but it seems like i need enough "causes" to go ahead and let it out to him, and not just bluntly throw out ANYthing.  </div> <div> and why did i tell him all those really personal things about myself i really don't know.  yes in the aspect of being friends it seems reasonable for me to rant it out to someone... but was i trying to achieve more than that?  i really don't know.  </div> <div> the question is.. am i looking for a relationship? or am i just looking for someone to care about me that way?  (well first of all, what's the difference anyway?!)  would i be content enough that i'm cared about as a friend?  maybe that's the quicksand i'm sinking in.  i don't know what i'm looking for exactly...  it seems as though this is the only way to give me a sense of worth.  not saying that friends and family don't give me enough support and loving... but i suppose you have to complete the triangle: family, friends, and.....</div> <div> and to me that all seems really silly.  i deny being a person "in search of love" or whatever.  or maybe i'm just not outwardly so.  but deep inside we probably all feel that way.  but it still seems all really silly to me and i can't get over that fact.  </div> <bR> <div> <B>3-5-04</B></div> <div> re-reading several of the entries from last year... especially those about randy.  it's been a long year.  </div> <div> and during those obsessive times, your thoughts claim that you would never change your mind, that you like him so much you cannot let go.  and in the end i'm half-right, i'm right about the part that i'm only persisting on liking him for the lack of better thing to do, and because i choose to.</div> <div> of course, as of late school has been busy.  home has been hostile (to the point of moving out).  lots of crying.  lots of screaming.  and all this wrenched most of the feelings from me.  too busy to think about liking or not liking randy.  so easily gone it is.  all the while i was struggling with myself to forget him or not, all i had to do was to concentrate on the unending load of work given.</div> <div> yet school-wise, the harder i try, the worse results i get.  and that's... really quite depressing.  i've never truly run into failures before.  it's always been--if i try hard, i'll succeed.   and now i'm slowly learning that this is not always the case.  and it's difficult to swallow.</div> <div> meanwhile as said yesterday, the recent new-found love.  i really wonder, is it love.  haha.  because i always think love should be a two-sided thing, not my one-sided obsession.  so it's hard to say now.  but at least we're friends that talk.  contrary to everyone else before this (i think).</div> <div> but the jealousy is hard to deal with. it's extremely silly and i'd like to slap myself for it.  sometimes it feels like i'm almost gloating over the fact that all my friends (and most people at that) don't like her all that much.  i personally get along with her at times, except sometimes she acts like she hates you (me) and... things like shoving you aside without saying anything, or telling you to be quiet in this really mean and irritated attitude when you 're talking to another person, and being overtly serious, and overtly whiny about whatever.  but i feel bad because i really shouldn't make judgments about her beacuse i don't know her that well.  just as people might find me extremely rude, self-absorbed and annoying... but i have friends that like me for what i am.  and same goes to others that we think are annoying, i suppose.  so i mean, she has many friends, too, so i take it that she's got a good side (just the side that i don't see) that make people admire her. </div> <div> hence jealousy.  if i can be content with just the self-content thought that people don't like her, then i suppose... goodness i don't know wha ti'm talking about.  i don't know where i'm going with this.  and also i really don't know if i'm acting differently around him.  looking at him, i almost get the impulse to tell him about what i'm feeling right now.  but calm myself down before i make a terrible mistake that i'd regret later.  such as asking him to prom.  amanda got all excited for me and say i should ask him to prom.  but found out later today that he's going with her already.  and at lunch she even came over with the permission slip paper thing and blah blah blah.  at least that decides for me that i really don't need to go to prom AT ALL now.   :p</div> <div> i ought to stop myself from getting too absorbed in this.</div> <bR> <div> <B>3-4-04</B></div> <div> field trip to SF today.  i haven't been genuinely happy in a while.  need a private entry, because i'm bursting with "something" to tell.  well... how to start.  i THINK i'm over with liking randy.  although like the guys i've obsessed over with, they don't really "go away" because they have stayed in my mind for so long... but at least it has faded to almost nothing.  it has become merely more of an... interesting memory.  and no regrets.  that's all.  i still can't help but wish that something could have happened.  but since nothing did, and i don't think anything will, there's nothing to "think" about anymore really.  plus the busy schoolwork and hostility at home really don't allow much room for that anymore.</div> <div> HOWEVER.  i've somehow made a rather speedy transition to like someone else.  and i'm writing here because xanga is public.  i dunno if he reads mine... but just in case.  and although i debate with myself whether i should let him know... as for now i'm trying not to make a big thing out of it.  especially when this is a friend i see almost everyday... eat lunch with... and i was never the brave one to go up to someone and confess openly.</div> <div> thing is.. i've always liked him slightly more than just a friend.  since i got to know him better in sophomore year.  it's strange... he just has that certain charisma that attracts people to talk to him and get to know him better.  or something like that.  but as much as i think we're friends... i don't think we were ever that close...?!  and beginning of this year chi liked him... and later he liked her back, and so on.  so i really just killed my thought... and became purely neutral friends.  until recently.</div> <div> i genuinely care for this guy.  although i say the same for the last one, too.  i won't try too hard to defend my feelings cuz' infactuated people aren't the most logical and sensible.  </div> <div> but as for now... i'm just confused because i don't know how good of friends we are.  and i have certain urge to tell him.... but then it's like, WHY do i want to tell him.  if i tell him, isn't it because i expect something back?  a lot more of it is curiosity.  and when you like someone, you easily make a big deal out of little things you share and do with him.  but it's like... he has many girl-friends that i think are more close with him.  but he eats lunch with us... and i don't know if that means anything.  </div> <div> i did mention him in the last entry.  quite insignificant.  and like said.. i've always liked him slightly more than just a friend.  i dunno the exact difference but i know there's a difference (of how i like him).  and what triggered this i'm not exactly sure.  and i don't want to be those easily self-flattered ones that interpret everything the other person does as a sign of affection.  grrrr, hate that.  </div> <div> but anyway.  and i think i'm going through some sort of jealousy dilemma.  feeling quite silly about it... but not so sure how to control it.  his ex-gf.  and... well... she's quite annoying... rude, and spoiled.  and i know they're really close friends... and she's quite possessive.  and i'm just kinda sitting here... looking on... and thinking... gah maybe i shouldn't like him.  but that's not something i get to control.</div> <div> today's field trip was enjoyable... on my part, because i got to hang out with him (over my japoreainese buddies that i semi-promised to hang out with).  and see here's the huge difference between this and liking randy.  i get so self-conscious around randy that i'm overly anxious about what to say and how to act... the typical girl spasm of "omg i like this guy!" and nervous-breakdown (metaphorically).  but with this him... since we have been friends... (not too long... but at least in a decent defintion of friends, we're friends), there's no such anxiety around him, and that means a lot to me.  i do admit i probably get more giddy around now i openly admit that i like him.  but yeah.</div> <div> in a way, i'm thinking that this is good for me.  it's certainly better than the erstwhile obssession.  but bad is that... he's my friend... and i don't know what i'm supposed to do about this.  keep it to myself?  but i kinda already "spread the word" to friends... and yikes it's not going to be the same anymore no matter what.  and i could be dwelling too much on little things, like always.  yet i suppose that's also a great distraction from the current shit going on in my life.</div> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>