Marriage
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
"Just where the heck do you think you're going!", said the man.
"I'm going to Las Vegas",said the wife, "I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!"
The man said,"Wait a minute!", and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
"Where the heck are you going?", said the wife.
The man said, "I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!"
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Three men are applying for a job at the CIA. The first is thirty years old, married for ten years, the second is forty years old married for twenty years and the third is fifty years old and married for thirty years.
The 30 year old is first and is told by the interviewer in order to become a member of the CIA you must take this gun and go into this room and shoot your wife. Well, he comes out of the room a half hour later and gives the man back the gun saying the job wasn't worth it and he just couldn't shoot his wife...
The 40 year old is next to take the gun into the room with "his" wife. One hour later he comes out crying, sobbing that he really needs this job, but dammit, I just can't kill my wife. With that he throws the gun on the floor and storms out of the room.....
The 50 year old is next. He takes the gun into the room with his wife. After about an hour and a half, all of a sudden there is the sound of six gunshots and then the sound of chairs flying and other loud noises. The man comes out of the room looking like hell. With large scratch marks on his face and chest and barely able to catch his breath.
"Well," says the interviewer, "what the hell happened in there?"
The man responded, "somebody put blanks in my gun and I had to strangle her to death."
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My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good
food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"
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