Back In The Red, part 2 - Script v0.8

@ 04Mar99

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 2 -- BACK IN THE RED, part 2 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.8 25 February - 04 March, 1999 Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk [-- 1 - CGI/Model shot ----------------------------------------------0:00--] [RED DWARF slowly crosses a star-scape] [Narrative text appears over the ship:] "The mining ship Red Dwarf Reconstructed together with its original crew, by an army of microscopic robots Reason - smeg knows" [-- 2 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------0:17--] [CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present] HOLLISTER This is the daily report of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf. Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the Space Corps: [Cue three scenes of 'video evidence': edited clips from 'Back In The Red, part 1'] [-- 3 - Int. Sleeping Quarters --------------------------------------0:25--] [LISTER, RIMMER present] LISTER This is gonna sound nuts, but the whole crew died, including you! And you've all been resurrected by these microscopic little robots! [...] I've got to track down these nano's, to corroborate our story. Otherwise, who's going to believe our defence? Only meths drinkers and the corn circle society. I need your help, man. [-- 4 - Int. Anteroom aboard Red Dwarf ------------------------------0:43--] [RIMMER, LISTER present] LISTER I've seen the crew's files, medical records, sessions with the therapist, the works. [...] I can make you look like a genius. You can get promoted in the field, man, you won't have to take exams -- [...] Just, help me escape. RIMMER I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me with promises of power and glory? You really think-- okay, I'll do it. But you'll have to prove it to me first. LISTER You're on. RIMMER Get me promoted. LISTER You'll find the confidential files in Starbug's cockpit. There's a senile version of Holly loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it. [-- 5 - Int. Starbug wreckage ---------------------------------------1:16--] [RIMMER present] [RIMMER has returned to the wreckage of Starbug and is searching through the remains of the terminals. He ejects a disk from one such] RIMMER Yes! [-- 6 - CGI/Model shot ----------------------------------------------1:21--] [RED DWARF slowly crosses a star-scape] [-- 7 - Int. Captain's office ---------------------------------------1:27--] [CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER stands to attention and begins a salute] RIMMER My captain, sir. HOLLISTER Rimmer, is this salute ever gonna end? Err, do I have time to go for a cup of coffee? Maybe go on vacation? RIMMER Nearly finished sir. It's my very special extra long salute, I reserve for the especially important, sir. [RIMMER completes his salute] HOLLISTER You wanted to see me? RIMMER I'm concerned over some of the safety procedures on board, sir. There's a potentially lethal scenario concerning drive plates, sir. Obviously, anyone who mis-repaired one of these plates would have to have a brain the size of a leprechaun's testicle, nevertheless, sir, like German tourists, the stupid are everywhere. I propose the following new safety procedures, sir. HOLLISTER Did you really think of this? RIMMER Permission to look smug, sir. HOLLISTER Permission granted. Good work, Rimmer. Great work. RIMMER Oh, before I go, sir. Happy wedding anniversary, sir. I'm sure you must be missing her terribly. HOLLISTER A blueberry muffin... like Martha used to make... thanks, Rimmer... Dismissed. RIMMER Ah, sir, just one more thing. I know the medical guys think we've run out of this stuff, but I discovered a couple of un-opened medi-crates in Storage, sir. If this is useful to you in any way, it's yours - no questions asked. HOLLISTER "Anus Soothe Pile Cream. The easy-to-apply cream that comes with its own special glove." [RIMMER hands over a flat rubber glove; it has one, long, finger] RIMMER "One size fits all"... I could tell from your walk. HOLLISTER Rimmer... could you post this for me? RIMMER Why, certainly, sir. Oh, its addressed to me, sir? HOLLISTER I'm giving a supper for some of the guys that I've marked out for greater things. RIMMER And you want me to be the wine waiter, sir? HOLLISTER This report is first rate! Now, I *want* you to come to supper. See you on Friday. Incidentally, its black tie... RIMMER Thai, Chinese, I'll eat anything, sir! Though, I would prefer it if it wasn't black... any chance of having mine medium-rare, sir? HOLLISTER Just go! Wear what the hell you want... [RIMMER execute a second excrutiatingly long salute] [Exit RIMMER] [-- 8 - Int. Medical bay --------------------------------------------5:12--] [MEDIC present] [Enter KRYTEN] [The MEDIC, absorbed in his work, does not notice the peculiar nature of his patient] MEDIC Get undressed. [KRYTEN waddles off and disappears behind a modesty screen. Moments later he returns to the MEDIC, having removed his black outer shell to reveal a beige under-version] MEDIC Fill this up, behind the screen. [MEDIC hands KRYTEN a specimen bottle, which he takes with him behind the screen. When he returns, the bottle is filled with flowers] [MEDIC tries to measure KRYTEN's blood pressure (oil pressure?), but succeeds only in inflating the hand on the mechonoids other arm. The over- inflated hand blows off and raspberry's its way around the room] [-- 9 - Int. Examination room ---------------------------------------6:03--] [MEDIC, KRYTEN present] [KRYTEN lies on his back on a table, legs apart and in stirrups. The MEDIC stands between KRYTEN's legs, holding a power drill. MEDIC unscrews two bolts, whereupon KRYTEN's head falls off and rolls out of the room] [-- 10 - Int. Kochanski's Quarters ----------------------------------6:22--] [KOCHANSKI present] [KOCHANSKI sits cross-legged on her bed, holding a pink fluffy toy] [Enter NURSE, KRYTEN] KOCHANSKI Kryten, hi... [Exit NURSE] KOCHANSKI What are you doing here? [KRYTEN sits down on the bed, looking tearful] KOCHANSKI What's wrong? KRYTEN I've been classified as a woman. KOCHANSKI A woman, why? KRYTEN Well, because I haven't got a... [sotto voce] *penis*... It's a Space Corps. directive to prevent gender ambiguity in jail. What's the saying, "if you've got nothing to swing, you can't be with Bing". KOCHANSKI Well, what happened, did you lose it? KRYTEN I was never issued with one, ma'am. Well, why would I need one, unless somehow I lost both arms and there was an emergency situation to write my name in the snow. KOCHANSKI So, you mean, you've never had a steak, pie, peas and chips set? KRYTEN I think the phrase is "meat and two veg", ma'am. No, the only mechanoids that were ever issued with genitals were the ones created to work on Italian starships. It was felt they could acclimatise themselves better if they could mimic their Italian crewmates and stand around cupping themselves all day. KOCHANSKI But hey, now you're a woman its going to mean some big changes in the way you behave. KRYTEN I'm not going to be a woman for long, ma'am. Just overnight. They want my permission to repair my corrupted files. Tomorrow afternoon. Restore my factory settings! KOCHANSKI But your corrupted files are what makes you *you*! KRYTEN I've been diagnosed as being quirky and unstable! KOCHANSKI Oh! KRYTEN Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska! Quirky!? How could they reach a verdict like that? And as for unstable! It makes me so... [KRYTEN's face spasms] KOCHANSKI Darn it, I still haven't got the hang of that emotion, have I? What was it supposed to be? KRYTEN Ambivalence. Didn't come out right though, did it? I look like Mister Lister when he's forced to eat fruit. KOCHANSKI Well, look, what are you going to do? KRYTEN Why, I have to go along with them, ma'am... I can't say no, they *are* my superiors. KOCHANSKI Look, you've *got* to say no! KRYTEN I can't! They're better than me, I'm, I'm not strong enough! KOCHANSKI Right, here's a tip: if you get scared tomorrow, just imagine what they look like on the loo... can you see them? KRYTEN No, I... Ooh..! Yes, I can! [laughs] KOCHANSKI Do they still seem better than you? KRYTEN No, ma'am! KOCHANSKI Do they still seem superior? KRYTEN No, ma'am! KOCHANSKI That's what you've got to do tomorrow! Just re-create that picture! KRYTEN It works for everyone! KOCHANSKI Yes! Who are you looking at now? KRYTEN You, ma'am! [laughs] [-- 11 - Int. Courtroom ---------------------------------------------8:41--] [KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER, two BAILIFFS present] BAILIFF Be upstanding. [Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER KAREN NEWTON, CHIEF ENGINEER] LISTER [to KOCHANSKI] Just relax, Rimmer's gonna help us escape. This enquiry's a piece of cake, we're just going through the motions... HOLLISTER Let's get this enquiry under way. You have refused defense assistance, is that right? [CAT calls a huddle] CAT Okay, this is what we do. I've watched a lot of TV shows and we all huddle together like this and whisper for a while before we answer. It looks like we know what we're doing! [CAT breaks the huddle] CAT We intend to defend ourselves! [CAT signals another huddle] CAT You see how good that looked? [The four break] HOLLISTER Are you familiar with the mind scan? LISTER We are familiar with the mind scan, sir. HOLLISTER You are aware that it pictorially enhances the cognitive process, making your innermost thoughts available for recording and viewing to a board of enquiry? KOCHANSKI Yes, sir. HOLLISTER You understand that it will involve the administration of psychotropic drugs, that is, drugs that affect your mental state, making this process possible? If you accept, say 'aye'. KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER Aye. HOLLISTER Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided. We reconvene at 10am tomorrow. [-- 12 - Int. Holding cells -----------------------------------------9:47--] [LISTER present] [The door, really just a large opening in one wall, to the cell in which LISTER's sits is covered by a dark, but translucent, blue forcefield that shimmers in an unsettling sine-wave pattern. A second forcefield covers the entrance to the cells] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER taps a code into a control panel on the wall and the field covering LISTER's cell lifts. He enteres the cell and the field drops down] RIMMER The plan's working, Listy. Operation Get Rimmer Officerhood, Power and Eminence, or G.R.O.P.E. for short, is bang on course. LISTER That information I gave you on the drive plates worked, then? Yes! RIMMER The Captain's face! He couldn't have been happier if I'd given him two girls wresting in a giant vat of Baked Beans, then removed the girls and handed him a spoon. He's never been so pleased! And, get this, he's invited me to supper with the movers and the shakers. LISTER The movers and the shakers? You're going to supper with some removal men and a group of people suffering from Parkinson's Disease? RIMMER At last I'll be able to exorcise my father's disapproval. Those terrible, sneery looks he used to give me, as he stood on the touchline watching me captain the school's skipping team. Hew was never proud of me. What other father would claim to have an alibi for his sperm on the night of conception? Who cares now? Not me, Listy. I'm on my way, up the ziggurat, lickety- split. LISTER Well, don't forget your part of the deal. [LISTER holds up his wrist, indicating the security bracelet] LISTER The override code for this so I can leg it. RIMMER It's too soon, I'm not an officer yet! LISTER The trial begins tomorrow, man! Without the nanobots our defence has got more holes than my socks. RIMMER But once you've legged it, where does that leave me? I'm not helping you escape and losing all my insider knowledge. I'm not an officer yet. LISTER Woh! we shook hands on a deal! RIMMER Yeah but, Lister, you know me; my handshake's less reliable than a plumber's estimate. LISTER No escapo, no more info. RIMMER Listy, its not going to help you. I've got the confidential files. Plus, I went through Starbug's salvage, and I found these: LISTER The Luck virus... Sexual Magnetism. RIMMER Positive viruses, Holly told me everything. Take some of this, it gives you luck, and this, gives you sexual magnetism. I've already tried some; right now, Yvonne McGruder is sleeping off the first twenty-three pages of the Kame Sutra. [RIMMER enters the access code into a wall panel inside the cell and steps outside the field] LISTER So, you reneged on the deal, then? Breaking your promise? So you're a total scum-sucking, two-faced, weaselly weasel? RIMMER Ah, my entry in "Who's Who". [Exit RIMMER] LISTER You left some of your luck behind, man. I touched the tube... [LISTER taps a code into his security bracelet; it pops open and he pulls it off. He enters random numbers into the wall panel and the force field covering the entrance to his cell disappears. He steps out] LISTER Sheer luck... [A third sequence of numbers this time entered into the outside wall panel opens the exit] [Exit LISTER] [-- 13 - Int. Offices ----------------------------------------------12:32--] [CHIEF ENGINEER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, NON-SPEAKING EXTRA, KRYTEN, MP THORNTON present] C.ENGINEER You may, if you prefer, stand with the others tomorrow and face the charges against you. However, I advise that you have your corrupted files repaired, after which you may go free. What is your decision? KRYTEN Nnnn--, nnnnn--, nnnnnnnn--, oh, its no good! [KRYTEN whips the sidearm from MP THORNTON's hip holster] COUNSELLOR MCLAREN Okay, let's all stay calm! No need to be -- After all, Kryten is merely holding us hostage, which is lovely! Isn't it, everyone? Lovely. CMO We don't want any trouble. We'll just do what you say. KRYTEN Come on, then. Come with me. [-- 14 - Int. Unisex toilets ---------------------------------------13:09--] [Enter NON-SPEAKING EXTRA, MP THORNTON, COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, CHIEF ENGINEER] KRYTEN [OOS] Come on, inside, inside, that's it. Come on, all of you, quick-quick-quick-quick. There we go, that's it. [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN Now, I want you to take down your pants, and sit on a toilet. C.ENGINEER [to CMO] My god, he's mad! CMO Then what're you going to do to us..? KRYTEN I'm going to look at you. C.ENGINEER [to CMO] He's totally mad! CMO Just... do what he says... COUNSELLOR MCLAREN Lovely... [KRYTEN views each of his hostages in turn, laughing gleefully] [The NON-SPEAKING EXTRA stares beyond KRYTEN's shoulder, clearly angry. MP THORNTON looks rightly worried, also not meeting KRYTEN's gaze; both of them sit with their trousers and underpants round their ankles. As does COUNSELLOR MCLAREN, who carefully adjusts a suspender at the top of his white, lacy stockings and glances at KRYTEN patiently. The CHIEF ENGINEER and CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER both sit stiffly with skirts hitched up and knickers down. The former woman crosses her arms and stares at KRYTEN with irritation, the CMO has her head turned away and her eyes covered, highly embarassed] KRYTEN Now I want you to ask me the question again. C.ENGINEER What question?? KRYTEN "Do I want to have my corrupted files repaired?" CMO Do you want to have your corrupted files repaired? KRYTEN Nnnnnn--, nnnnnnn--, nnnnnn-no. I did it. No, nnnnn-no, I don't. The answer to the question is no. No doubt about it, I do not want to have my corrupted files repaired. The answer is nnnnno! [Enter SECURITY OFFICERS] [Overjoyed, KRYTEN fails to notice the footsteps of the two secutity officers who charge in behind him. One raises a hypo-gun to KRYTEN's neck and he goes out like a light] [-- 15 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------14:24--] [Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI] [-- 16 - CGI/Model shot --------------------------------------------14:30--] [A lift moving swiftly through its shaft] [-- 17 - Int. Inside the lift --------------------------------------14:32--] [KOCHANSKI, LISTER present] KOCHANSKI -- And, you just put in any code you felt like, and the Luck virus made you pick the right one? That's brilliant! LISTER Yeah, just rubbed m' finger over the top of the tube. KOCHANSKI That's brilliant! That's just brilliant! [She glances at LISTER mischievously] KOCHANSKI [teasingly] Ahh, its a pity you didn't do the same with the sexual magnetism. [LISTER considers for a moment as KOCHANSKI shifts her attention elsewhere. He surreptitously runs the fingertips of his left hand over his tongue. After a moment, KOCHANSKI lets out a small sigh and turns to regard him] KOCHANSKI Is that a new shirt..? LISTER Nah... I've had it a while. KOCHANSKI Oh - it's really nice. LISTER Thanks. KOCHANSKI It's really, really, nice; really suits you. LISTER Thanks! KOCHANSKI Brings out the... brown-ness, in your eyes... [Suddenly, unable to resist the combined effects of LISTER's augmented sexual magnetism and improbable good luck, KOCHANSKI grabs his lapels and drags him in for a kiss. Pulling off the belt of LISTER's boiler suit, KOCHANSKI tugs the suit off his shoulders and shoves a surprised LISTER against the lift wall, following inches behind to plant another passionate kiss on his lips. Wasting no time, KOCHANSKI drags LISTER to the ground, pulls of his and her own cap, and goes in for the kill. However, mere seconds later the kissing stops as abruptly as it started and KOCHANSKI recoils, horrified] KOCHANSKI Oh, god, Dave! I am *so* sorry! [She scrambles to her feet] KOCHANSKI Oh! I don't know what happened there! LISTER I think I do. I had some Sexual Magnetism virus on this hand, but the Luck virus cured it for me. [LISTER scowls at his fingertips] LISTER Thanks, pal. KOCHANSKI I don't know what got into me. LISTER Well. Nothing, sadly. [-- 18 - Int. A room in darkness -----------------------------------15:59--] [KRYTEN present] [KRYTEN has electrodes fixed to his head, attached to wires which extend up into darkness. He movements suggest he believes he is floating, as if suspended in water] [-- 19 - Int. Engineering control room -----------------------------16:05--] [CHIEF ENGINEER present] [The CHIEF ENGINEER stands in front of a panel of electronic equipment. In front of her, a large window looks out into the dark room in which KRYTEN is wired up to the computer system] [CLOSE UP on video screen. A figure appears and begins narrating an interactive diagnostic utility] NARRATOR Hello. I'm the Data Doctor. if you would like me to examine your hard disk, press 'Examine'. [THE C.ENGINEER moves a pointer and selects the named option] [-- 20 - CGI / live action composite -------------------------------16:17--] NARRATOR Your mechanoid appears to have developed the following rogue emotions: affection, arrogance, envy, guilt, humour, insecurity, petulance, possessiveness, snobbery, and love. If you wish to eradicate these emotions from his database, press 'Fix'. [As the option is selected, the names of various emotions appear on the screen over a video of clip of KRYTEN exageratingly performing them. For each, the text changes to read 'Fixed' and KRYTEN's face turns blank and emotionless. After a few emotions, the software speeds up and simply flashes text messages to indicate progress] NARRATOR All bad line blocks and corrupted personality disks have now been fixed. [-- 21 - Int. Engineering control room -----------------------------16:54--] [CHIEF ENGINEER present] NARRATOR Please reboot your mechanoid. [-- 22 - Int. A room in darkness -----------------------------------16:56--] [KRYTEN present] NARRATOR [VO] His personality has now been restored - [-- 23 - Int. Engineering control room -----------------------------16:58--] [CHIEF ENGINEER, NARRATOR present] NARRATOR [VO] - to its factory settings. KRYTEN My name is Kryten, I am programmed to serve. Can I be of service? C.ENGINEER Bring me a coffee, please, Kryten. KRYTEN Certainly, ma'am. [KRYTEN begins to mime making a cup of coffee] C.ENGINEER Then you may scrub the floor. KRYTEN Yes, ma'am. [KRYTEN immediately mimes pushing a mop along the floor] C.ENGINEER Are you happy -- [-- 24 - Int. A room in darkness -----------------------------------17:20--] [KRYTEN present] C.ENGINEER [VO] -- Kryten? KRYTEN I have no understanding of human emotions, ma'am. I am programmed to serve. [-- 25 - Int. Engineering control room -----------------------------17:26--] [CHIEF ENGINEER present] C.ENGINEER Excellent. [-- 26 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------17:29--] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER pauses at the hatchway and pulls out the tube of Sexual Magnetism virus] RIMMER I'm going to be 'Colin Charisma' at the Captain's table with this stuff. [RIMMER takes a sip from the tube, then strides out into the corridor. He passes a group of female crewmembers standing talking] WOMEN Hi... [RIMMER acknowledges with a smile and walks on] [Enter two FEMALE CREWMEMBERS] WOMEN Hi... [-- 27 - Int. Captain's table --------------------------------------17:50--] [RIMMER, HOLLISTER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER, four other FEMALE OFFICERS, one other MALE OFFICER present] RIMMER -- And if we approach light speed, I think we have to be aware we could come across something I believe we'll experience called 'future echoes'. Certain pockets of... futurey things. From the future. [The CMO, looking non the worse for her earlier ordeal at the hands of KRYTEN, is staring intently at RIMMER] CMO How fascinating... What a fascinating man you are, Mister Rimmer... HOLLISTER I think we've greatly underestimated you over the years, Arnold. Now, let me find out where that coffee is. CMO Oh no, Captain, please, allow me. [She rises from her seat, then pauses] CMO Perhaps, ah, you could help me, Mister Rimmer..? RIMMER Why, certainly, and perhaps we can talk about my theory on backwards universes? [-- 28 - Int. Galley -----------------------------------------------18:32--] [Enter RIMMER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER] RIMMER -- And, of course, in a backwards universe many things begin to make more sense -- [The CMO has been staring at RIMMER lustily while she followed him; as soon as they enter the galley she grabs his shoulder, spins him to face her and smothers his lips with a kiss] CMO Oh - my - god - you are sexy! So very, very sexy! [The CMO shove RIMMER through a door into an adjoining room marked 'Captain's Galley'] [Exit RIMMER, CMO] [-- 29 - CGI/Model shot --------------------------------------------18:49--] [A lift moving swiftly through its shaft] [-- 30 - Int. Inside the lift --------------------------------------18:52--] [CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER present] CAT Bravo, bud! What now? LISTER Well, we find Kryten, get to the landing bay, grab a ship and get the hell outta town. [The lift halts and LISTER consults a handheld device] LISTER He's on this floor. [-- 31 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------19:02--] [KRYTEN present] [Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT] LISTER Here he is! Kryten, come on. KRYTEN Are you addressing me, sir? I don't believe we've had the pleasure. LISTER What have they done to you, Kryten? You sound like Noel Coward's elocution teacher! KRYTEN Well, if you'll forgive me, sir, I have my duties to perform. Good day. [Exit KRYTEN] KOCHANSKI Aw, they've fixed all his corrupted files. He mustn't have been able to say 'no'. Someone's coming. LISTER We've got to get a better disguise. CAT We've already got a disguise! LISTER What's the point of a disguise if you wear it under your normal outfit, Cat? CAT A grey boiler suit? You think I'm gonna wear this on the outside?? Ha! [Exit CAT] [-- 32 - Int. Storage room -----------------------------------------19:41--] [Enter CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER] LISTER Look, we're not leaving without him. I don't care what they've done to him, he's coming with us. He's part of the posse. CAT Hey! I got a great idea for a new disguise! [CAT is rummaging through a storage locker] LISTER What? [CAT turns around; he wears a black mop-head on his head and has a pair of large false teeth in his mouth] CAT The Dibbley family! LISTER Yess! [-- 33 - Int. Captain's table --------------------------------------20:19--] [HOLLISTER, FEMALE OFFICERS, one other MALE OFFICER present] [Enter RIMMER, CHIEF MEDICAL OFFICER] [The pair take their seats, both breathing heavily, their clothes and hair askew] HOLLISTER Ahhh, there you are! Any... news on the coffee? [RIMMER stares for a moment, uncomprehending, before he remembers the original reason he and the CMO left the table] RIMMER Drat. We forgot. I'll find out right away, sir. [Exit RIMMER] LARGE FEMALE OFFICER I'll give you a hand, Mister Rimmer... [Exit OFFICER] [-- 34 - Int. Galley -----------------------------------------------20:50--] [RIMMER, FEMALE OFFICER present] [Behind the closed door to the Captain's galley we see RIMMER's agonised face pressed up ti the in-set window. The ample FEMALE OFFICER appears behind him, smiling joyously before dragging him out of sight] [-- 35 - Int. Storage room -----------------------------------------20:54--] [KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER present] [The trio each have on their Dibbley disguises, and are wearing white lab coats] [Enter MP THORNTON, SECOND MP] THORNTON Sorry to interrupt... sir, but we're searching this floor for the escaped prisoners. CAT Sorry, we haven't seen them. Just me, my wife, here, and my brother. LISTER Hello! KOCHANSKI Hi! LISTER Hi. THORNTON I don't recollect seeing you guys before..? CAT That's because we don't go around much looking like this. THORNTON What do you guys do? KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER ...Computer programmers. THORNTON Well, if you see anything suspicious, call security, okay? KOCHANSKI Er, you bet. [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN Begging your pardon, sirs, I just need to get a mop. [KRYTEN opens the storage locker and begins searching through it] KRYTEN How peculiar, my mop-heads are missing. [KRYTEN notices the mop-heads being adjusted shiftily by the three Dwarfers but says nothing. He peers intently at CAT] KRYTEN Don't I know you, sir? Wayne... Wayne, something. Wayne Wibbley? Where do I know you from? CAT No, no, sir, you're mistaken. You're mixing me up with some other big-teeth dork. LISTER No, let him speak. Where do you know him from? CAT Are you out of your mind? LISTER Shh-shh! Where do you know him from? Think! KRYTEN I think I'm about to discover something wonderful, but, when I discover it, it will put someone in great danger. I feel an emotion. I feel two emotions; two different emotions! I feel-- I feel-- KOCHANSKI Ambivalence? KRYTEN I can feel my files corrupting... they're... corrupting, I... oohh, ohhh, oh yes, that's good! Oohh! I'm back, and I'm bad! Obviously, within certain sensible pre-set parameters... HOLLY [VO] Attention, attention! Reported prisoner sighting on C-deck, reported prisoner sighting on C-deck! [Exit THORNTON, SECOND MP] LISTER Nice one, Holl... [LISTER notices KOCHANSKI pacing around with a frown on her face] LISTER What's wrong with you? KOCHANSKI Well, do you get the impression this is too easy? Like, everything's going for us? Like they almost *want* us to escape! [LISTER holds up a finger] KOCHANSKI Hey, I was just thinking aloud! LISTER No, no! The Luck virus, it's helping us. LISTER [to KRYTEN] Put your kit on. [-- 36 - Int. Captain's table --------------------------------------23:05--] [HOLLISTER, CMO, three other FEMALE OFFICERS, one other MALE OFFICER present] [Enter RIMMER, fifth FEMALE OFFICER] [RIMMER is walking awkwardly, and slumps into his seat looking exhausted] RIMMER Here we are! Remembered the coffee at last. HOLLISTER [annoyed] What about the mints? [One of the FEMALE OFFICERS seated near the captain, apparently the only one remaining not to have learnt RIMMER's carnal knowledge, senses an opportunity and gets to her feet] FEMALE OFFICER I'll go. Would you like to help me, Mister Rimmer..? RIMMER It's just, I've got so much coffee, I don't think I could manage to get any mints until tomorrow... [Exit FEMALE OFFICER] HOLLISTER Well, the psychotropic testing should be well underway by now. Those results sure are going to be interesting. RIMMER Psychotropic what? HOLLISTER The Lister case is so unusual I decided to invoke my right to use psychotropic evidence. The accused are drugged, wired to a mainframe, then the computer feeds in various hypothetical scenarios and their reactions are laid down on tape. Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what they do... RIMMER So, that means, that if anyone happens to mention any... special agreements... that they've entered into, then -- Could you excuse me? I think I... left the iron on... [Exit RIMMER] [-- 37 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------24:31--] [Two FEMALE CREWMEMBERS present] [Enter RIMMER] WOMEN Hi... RIMMER Hi! [Exit FEMALE CREWMEMBERS] RIMMER What is wrong with me?? I've got the sexual appetite of a mountain lion, no, worse, a first year nursing student! It's just being wanted, it's such an aphrodisiac. Got to get some control back! [-- 38 - Int. Medical office ---------------------------------------24:44--] [RIMMER picks up a hypodermic filled with local anaesthetic, confirms the contents, then empties the contents into his nether-regions. He jiggles his hips for a moment until the effects start to kick in, then picks up a reflex-testing mallet and thumps his groin solidly three times. Observing no detectable sensation, he nods to himself, returns the hammer and leaves] [-- 39 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------25:27--] [Enter RIMMER] [RIMMER begins to lose feeling in his legs, they appear to turn rubbery and RIMMER begins to have trouble walking. He blunders awkwardly along the corridor] [Enter three FEMALE CREWMEMBERS] RIMMER Hi. FEMALE CREWMEMBERS Hi... [Enter CAPTAIN HOLLISTER] HOLLISTER Never realised you were so damn popular with the ladies... Maybe you can share your secret sometime? RIMMER Yes, sir. [Exit RIMMER] [-- 40 - Int. Corridor aboard Red Dwarf ----------------------------25:54--] [Enter KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI, LISTER] [Enter two SKUTTERS] LISTER Guys, it's Bob and Max. [Exit KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI] LISTER Go on, shoo, guys, shoo, go on! We're trying to escape, but you'll never get past security, so go on! Go on! [Exit LISTER] [Exit SKUTTERS] [The Skutters disappear, only to return moments later wearing miniature mop-heads and clutching false teeth in their claws. They trundle off after LISTER] [-- 41 - Int./Ext. Scene desc. -------------------------------------26:34--] "TO BE CONTINUED..." [-------------------- END OF "BACK IN THE RED, part 2" -------------26:36--] [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk" Thanks.]