Smeg Ups Script
A transcription by mrgraff
This transcription is the original 1997 version as recovered for this
site. Please note there are errors which will be fixed soon.
Thank you for visiting!!!
© 1997-1999 Graff Programs Inc. All rights reserved.
Transcriptor's note:
Here it is!! The script to fill that void in your collection; Red Dwarf: the Smeg Ups
tape. All text inside brackets is my best guess. Please email any corrections that you may
have. The numbers within the parenthesis refer to the episode or series in which the smeg
up occurs. For convenience, the character names are used even when the actor(ess) is out
of character (only because Kryten does!!)
(4-1) Camille (4-2) DNA (4-3) Justice (4-4) White Hole
(4-5) Dimension Jump (4-6) Meltdown (5-1) Back to Reality
(5-2) Demons & Angels (5-3) Holoship (5-4) Quarantine
(5-5) Inquisitor (5-6)Terrorform (6-1)Psirens (6-2) Legion
(6-3) Gunmen of the Apocalypse (6-4) Emohawk: Polymorph II
(6-5) Rimmerworld (6-6) Out of Time
(6-1) Kryten's initial introduction explanation.
Kryten: For the first time for two centuries we have the opportunity to head them off at the
pass as it were and recover Holly.
Cat: (Chokes on food) So whatta' you wa...(chokes)
(6-1) Lister, fresh out of stasis, flipping through a book with Kryten.
Lister: I dated a lot of nurses didn't I?
Kryten: I don't believe those uniforms are are are are
Lister: Get the lines right Rob, there's a bag of chips in it for ya! (The two smile sharing
the joke)
(5-1) In mid-hallucination the crew sit on boxes believing they are inside a limo.
Rimmer: (Looking back) Motorcycles! Looks like they're carrying personal rocket
launchers!
Cat: Oh god!
Lister: That bridge? Think we can make it?
Rimmer: It's raising!
Lister: Got any better ideas?
Cat: Do it! (Lister steps on the 'gas' All lean back as they fly the limo over the bridge.)
All: Whoaaaa! (All bounce as the limo would.) Ummph (Rimmer falls over his box. The
others laugh when they notice. Rimmer gets up and thumbs an OK sign to the camera)
(Static. Then- Kryten is seen from the point of view of the Red Dwarf black box (BOX)
He succeeds in getting the box operational. Reverse letters appear on screen.)
BOX: LOG ON NAME:
Kryten: Ah, log on name Kryten. (Types in Kryten)
BOX: ENTER NAME IN FULL
Kryten: Oh really? Right, name in full. Kryten-2X4B-523P (types in this name)2X4B such
a jerky middle name. Why didn't they just call me Cecille and have done with it?
BOX: BLACK BOX USER CODE
Kryten: Black box user code, hmm. 6129 96123. No wait, that's my diner's card number
. Ahem (goes through his wallet looking for the right number) AA relay, no that's not it.
24-hour groinal attachment emergency callout, nope, ah! Black Box user code (begins to
re-type) KRY-001
BOX: (Flashing once) ENTER MESSAGE NOW
Kryten: (relieved) Ooh! Now! Mr. Audience sir, welcome, and Ms. Audience ma'am, erm,
welcome too! Welcome to the Red Dwarf Smeg UPs tape. Over the six series and many
years of production of Red Dwarf, even taking into consideration the fact that the cast and
crew is made up of the nation's top professionals, (off to the side) Lie mode cancel (Back
to the box) things can go wrong. And that is what this tape is about. It's all the bits that
during the normal course of making an episode of Red Dwarf you are not allowed to see.
The mistakes, the humiliating, heart-freezing, hideous errors that dog the program from
beginning to end. Not that there are that many, not very many at all! Nevertheless, this
tape is the first of a series of 30 tapes commemorating some of those very rare errors. So
let's log on and meet the crew in this first section of bloopers which I have decided to
call: The first section of bloopers! Hah!
(4-6) Lister and Cat are inside Hitler's fireplace.
Cat: Where are we?
Lister: Dunno, (Lights his zippo and checks the wall) Stone, some (a knocking sound)
some sort of
(Cat knocks back on the wall. Cat laughs as Lister's face is patted dry by a stagehand
holding a towel)
Cat: Oh man!
Lister: They were gonna soft that out in the dub!
(6-2) Crew is in the starbug cockpit avoiding Legion's probe.
Lister: Range, 15000 g-gooks and closing!
Kryten: Direct collision course! Suggest evasive action.
Cat: Engaging reheat. (The set moves to simulate side to side motion. All miss their cues. Kryten and Rimmer pretend to lose their balance as a microphone dips into view)
Lister: I'm sorry we weren't ready!
(6-6) Rimmer begins the morale meeting.
Rimmer: So I've decided if it's all right with you, to appoint myself 'Morale Officer' (He
has forgotten his lines and stand still thinking about it before looking to the audience)
(6-6) After Rimmer has concluded the morale meeting.
Cat: You can always tell when he's tense. The way he scrunches up cups and throws them
in the bin. And I'm not talking Styrofoam, I'm talking, what am I talking?
(Series 6) Lister picks his nose and flicks the booger. Kryten catches it. Lister is quite
amused by this.
Lister: Oh, ai! Oh, [It's sheik]
(6-4) Kryten, Rimmer, and Cat survey the cargo after crashing onto the GELF moon.
Rimmer: Look at it! All our possessions, all our valuables. Between fire, flood, and impact
damage we've lost damn near everything! (Walks off to cockpit)
Kryten: Well at least Mr. Lister's guitar survived intact. (He picks up the guitar . Cat takes
the guitar from him and smashes it. He hands it back to Kryten and walks away.)
Kryten: Not even Mr. Lister's guitar survived intact!
(the scene rewinds back to the beginning then re-starts)
Rimmer: Look at it! All our possessions, all our valuables. Between fire, flood, and impact
damage we've lost damn near everything! (Walks off to cockpit)
Kryten: Well at least Mr. Guitar, (to Cat) Mr. Guitar. (Begins to play as both sing)
Kryten and Cat: Oh, Mr. Guitar, you're a sad old thing...
Kryten: (to audience) You see, everything for me is Mr. (points off camera) Mr. That
(points to Cat) Mr. Cat (points up) Mr. Microphone (points down) Mr. Rather sad knob
(Cat laughs)
BOX: The view is upside down. Kryten is not aware of this.)
Kryten: So you see, we do on occasion make mistakes (Notices the upside down view) Oh
(hits a button to correct the view) Ah, and it's not just us. Far from it. Starbug in particular
can never remeber what it's supposed to be doing. 'Fly out of Red Dwarf' we say and can
it even remember to do that? Hah! Memory like a sieve. Take a look at this.
(Starbug scenes from series 4 & 5)
1. Starbug launches inside the hangar and crashes against the bay doors to bounce back
inside Red Dwarf.
2. On the way out of the hangar it crashes into the lower door and turns completely
around before hitting a pipe on the left.
3. Upon leaving, Starbug destroys the upper door.
4. Starbug leaves the hangar upside down and spins into the doors.
BOX: Kryten adjusts the screen.)
Kryten: Uhg, hopeless. We all have problems to face in our existence, be they emotional,
technical, or psychological. However there are times when these problems can be
combined to an alarming degree by one single malfunction. You may know that I have
quite complex relationships with many of the more mundane items aboard Red Dwarf.
Bob the scutter and I go back many years. And there's a computerized inlet vent on level 5
that always sends me a X-MAS card. And of course (sighs) there's the doors. I'm not
talking about the 60's cult rock group. There's something about me and doors that just
doesn't mix. I have trouble with doors. We all do. I'm not being door-ist. Believe me, I
like doors, I just don't think they like me.
(6-1) Kryten prepares to let the Psiren/Lister onboard Starbug.
(Kryten walks up to a monitor and presses a button. Lister appears on the monitor)
Lister: It's me (Kryten presses more buttons and the airlock opens. While Lister walks in,
the left door slides into him)
(5-3) Navarro and Rimmer enter Rimmer's new Holoship quarters.
(The doors close behind them and slam loudly against each other distracting Rimmer)
Navarro: Here are your quarters Mr. Rimmer.
Rimmer: There must be some error, these are Commander Cra Cra Cra...
(6-4) The crew return to Starbug with the new oxy-gen unit.
(They are about to enter the shot. Kryten steps one foot out)
Off Camera: One more time please. (A crew-person walks past the camera and the doors
squeak as they open.)
(6-2) Legion is about to leave Lister's 'cell'
Legion: I must go. (he walks out. The door squeaks while closing)
(6-1) Kryten has stepped into the trash compactor facing his Creator, Dr. Mamet.
Kryten: This serves no pur..
Mamet: (Interrupting) Engage the mechanism.(Kryten reaches for the switch. All laugh as
his arm gets stuck.)
Off Camera: Right, right stand back.
(6-6) The future crew has killed everyone but Rimmer
Rimmer: (Runs over to Kryten's dead body attempting to shake him awake) Kryten! There
may be a what? Kryten, there may be a what? Speak! A way out of this? Is that what you
were going to say? Speak! There may be a? How can we change what's hap...(Rimmer
looks at hs dead crewmates and realizes what he must do. He grabs a bazookoid, kicks
open the door, runs through, and the bazookoid gets stuck.
BOX: Kryten adjusts the view again.
Kryten: in a series like Red Dwarf, an actor has to be proficient in many different skills.
Speaking and standing up, speaking and sitting down, talking and walking, and hardest of
all; standing, talking and holding props. For those of you not of'a with such a technical
term as prop, allow me to explain. It's short for: 'thing which someone has spent hours
making, which breaks as soon as Mr. Lister touches it.
(6-3) Kryten and Lister are leaving the AR machine and removing their equipment.
Lister: Kryten! You are total goozeberry! The next time I play on the AR machine, I'm
gonna give you some money, send you to the pictures. (The two struggle to remove their
gear. Lister throws down his gloves and leaves the machine, only to learn that his groin is
still attached.)
(6-2) Kryten has knocked out Lister and Cat and has moved onto Rimmer.
(Kryten is holding a vase behind his back as he approaches Rimmer.)
Rimmer: There has to be a more effective escape plan than this.
Kryten: Sir, come back, you're just delaying the inevitable.
Rimmer: I can't help it. I'm allergic to being hit.
Kryten: You won't feel a thing. I'll render you unconscious using the Ionian nerve-grip. (Kryten holds Rimmer's collar, and swings the vase. The vase shatters to the floor before
it reaches Rimmer's head.)
(4-1) Kryten and Camille Blob are in Parrots Bar having drinks.
TAKE 1
Kryten: Isn't this enchanting?
Camille: Oh, Kryten, do you think we could make it? You and I?
Kryten: Ah, it's the old old story: droid meets droid, droid turns into chameleon, droid
loses chameleon, chameleon turns into blob, droid gets blob back again. Hah. It's a classic tale.
Camille: A toast. To us! (They clink their glasses and the umbrellas fall out of Camille's
glass.)
TAKE 2
Kryten: Ah, it's the old old story: droid meets droid, droid turns into chameleon, droid
loses chameleon, chameleon turns into blob, droid gets blob back again. Hah. It's a classic
tale.
Camille: A toast. To us! (Camille's glass falls out of her 'hand' and Kryten has trouble
aiming straws into his mouth.)
Kryten: [You're not gonna like that!] (Camille laughs.)
(6-2) The crew and Legion are using their anti-matter chopsticks.
Off Camera: (As Lister's chopsticks fall apart.) And cue, look at Legion. What's he
doing? Cut! (A stagehand picks up the broken chopstick.)
(6-3) The simulant officers are communicating with Starbug.
Simulant Captain: Scanners reported human-life on your vessel. Is this SO? (The response
is a view of Lister's mouth upside down with an eyeball at the chin.)
Lister: Humans? The vindalusian people despise all humans. They are the vermin of the
universe. Is that not right Bindee Bagee?
Cat: (Cat's mouth in similar fashion.) (Grumbles and spits) Scum, scum, scum.
Lister: The vindalusian empire has pledged to exterminate them all! (Sticks out his
tongue) (Scene switches to Starbug. Kryten is filming Lister and Cat on their backs as a
simulant beams aboard. Only Rimmer notices the arrival.)
Lister: We will not rest until are task is completed.
Rimmer: Uh, Lister (Cat and lister sit up to meet the visitor.)
TAKE 1
Lister: Hi!
Cat: How's it going bud? (The two take off their chin-eyes and hand them back to Kryten.
Kryten drops the eye Cat gave him. Kryten walks around with one eye closed. The others
laugh as a microphone passes overhead.)
Off Camera: [One in place] (A hand appears at the left of the shot.)
TAKE 2
(Cat and Lister sit up. Cat's eye falls off. Cat laughs.)
Off Camera: Same place please. (The two lean back down)
(6-3) Lister and Loretta in the AR machine.
Lister: You just drive me wild. You're the sexiest computer sprite I've ever seen.
Loretta: Oh, Philip!
Lister: Oh, Loretta! (They kiss passionately and Lister's hat falls off. They stop kissing
with wide smiles.)
Lister: What do we do now Doug? (Both laugh)
(5-3) Binks of the Holoship is giving his report to a communicator.
Binks: The human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical
violence to a hologram. An amusingly common misconception in primitive life-forms.
Lister: (Speaking in mocking tone to a pack of cigarettes.) Lister to red Dwarf, the intruder
seems to be blissfully unaware that we have rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions
cabinet. And unless he wants his derriere minced like burger-meat, he better be history in
two seconds flat. (Lister eats a cigarette, throws down the pack, removes his coat and hat
and assumes a boxing stance.)
Binks: Recon mission complete. Transmit. With speed. Enlightenment quickly please!
Off Camera: (Just as Binks disappears) Freeze.
Lister: (Throws a punch where Binks stood and spits there as well.) I don't know why I
{censored} ate that cigarette!
(5-6) Cat aims his flashlight (torch) on the CHARM tombstone as he is enveloped by a
cloud of smoke. Laughs and comments are made in the background.
BOX: Kryten is wiping the screen with a cloth.
Kryten: Hmphh. When you've gotta a chip missing in your memory banks, recalling the
most simple item of data can be very stressful. Of course, if you have engaged stress
mode, this can often cause even more of a problem with memory mode. I've noticed this
behavior replicated in humans. When a human is under sress all manner of things simply
stop working. Basic human organs like brains, mouths, and vocal chords freeze up and
need rebooting. Take a look at this.
(4-2) Cat is looking through a microscope as Rimmer watches.
Cat: but a man made of dandruff? That's never gonna work. The first time you take a
shower with medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.
Rimmer: I won't be made of dandruff! My body will be re-created by the genetic structure
contained within the {censored} (Rimmer starts to speak gibberish. The cat joins him with
a Chinese accent. Holly can be seen smiling in the background.)
(6-2) The crew in the cockpit during 'Blue Alert'.
Rimmer: Step up to 'Red Alert'.
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
Rimmer: There's always some excuse isn't there?
(Camera zooms in on Lister. He has missed his line and stares out into space.)
Off Camera: Range...
Lister: {censored} I missed me line. (Goes back to scene) Range 15000 (checks with
director) Yeah?
Off Camera: Yup
Lister: range, 15000 g-gooks and closing.
Kryten: Now I've missed mine! (Rimmer 'wipes his hands' of the scene)
(4-6) Rimmer and Kryten have just learned about the wax-war.
Rimmer: I was born for this moment!
Kryten: I'm not sure I'm following you sir.
Rimmer: Across that valley lies an army of darkness such that mankind has never seen.
The only thing that lies between them and total victory is this pathetic pocket of
resistance. Without a plan, without a leader, and in to this bleak arena steps a man. The
man for the moment.
Kryten: Who?
Rimmer: Me! Pat {censored} sorry. I do lessons on how to blow gags ya' know.
(4-2) Rimmer catches the others going fishing.
Rimmer: I tried to be liked. God knows I try! I regale you with stories of when I was treasurer of the Hammond Organ (starts gibbering)
(6-3) Rimmer and Cat in the cockpit after Lister and Kryten leave the AR machine.
Rimmer: At last, we have silent running! OK, long range scanners are down. The only
early warning we've got is you. Stay alert.
(Cat has missed his lines and Rimmer pats him on the shoulder to wake him.)
Off Camera: One more time.
(The lights come up and Cat apologizes to Rimmer.)
(6-5) Rimmer speaking from the simulant-escape pod.
Rimmer: The hundred years war?
Kryten: Well take that figure and multiply it by six, and then you'll have your golden
figure.
Rimmer: 600 years!?
(Cat smiles as he realizes he has missed his line.)
(4-3) Kryten is examining Lister during Rimmer's hearing.
Kryten: Would you describe the accused as a friend?
(Cat is about to speak, but missed the line.)
(6-1) After destroying the first asteroid.
Kryten: Relocating Red Dwarf's vapor trail. At present speed and course, estimated time
to interception, 12 hrs. 7 min.
(Cat misses his line.)
Cat: I was going to...
Kryten: Anything else coming Mr. Cat?
(6-6) Kryten has just told Lister that he is a droid.
Lister: W-w-w-w what does this all mean?
Kryten: Well, in broad terms, I get the front...sorry, I did that wrong. Let's go back, sorry,
sorry, sorry.
Lister: Sorry, it's my fault.
Kryten: No, no, it's my fault.
Lister: It's my fault.
Kryten: It's my fault.
Lister: I insist on it being MY fault!
Kryten: It's my fault.
(Kryten fakes a sucker punch and Lister falls back playing along.)
(6-3) Kryten discovers the Armageddon Virus.
TAKE 1
Rimmer: Well if you define trouble as a rather large moon directly in our path, about 38
minutes.
Kryten: Sir, the only thing I can suggest is that I contract the virus myself. Analyze it's
structure and attempt to c-c-c-c I'll stop there before I go any further into a big pile of
poo.
Off Camera: You won't fail...
TAKE 2
Rimmer: Well, if you define trouble as a rather large moon directly in our path, about 38
minutes.
Kryten: The only solution is for me to contract the virus myself. Analyze it's structure and
attempt to create a software antidote before it wipes out my core program. Do I have your
permission to poo myself sirs? (Kryten shakes his head upset.)
(4-6) Rimmer in the middle of his Risk story.
Rimmer: But how, could I get seven men across an area of 40 miles to link up with an
invasion force between...hashoo I gone and screwed up very early on in the whole show!
(4-1) Lister is speaking to an off-camera Kochanski-Camille.
Lister: Sure we do! We've gotta , we've gotta do something! (Both laugh.)
(5-3) The crew is discussing Lister's movie choice.
Rimmer: You thought it was all one film?
Cat: sure! I thought it was a chilling morality tale about how some nasty ducks got into
some, uh turned into some, uh, uh, yehm (While the others are laughing, Cat stands up
and does an Arsenio Hall style fist swinging motion.)Yo!
Lister: [You may be Oakland.]
BOX:
Kryten: Next, were going to see myself in a tragic memory loss situation. being helped out
by Mr. lister using one of the latest and most sophisticated devices. It's called the peice of
paper pinned to the other actor's head technique.
(5-5) Lister and Kryten are running from the Inquisitor attempting to gain access to the hangar bay.
TAKE 1
Holly: I have no record of your palm print. Intruder alert! Intruder alert! (Lister and Kryten panic.)
Kryten: Initiating override!
Holly: Please state your name and clearance and code.
Kryten: Log on name Kryten, registration code additional: 001.
Holly: I have no record of your CPU ident.
Lister: Oh, we don't exist here anymore!
Kryten: Actually, to be more precise sir, we don't ever have existed here anymore.
Although this is hardly the time to be conjugating the past and participle non-never
present tense. (Lister cracks up.) I don't know that one!
TAKE 2
Lister: Oh, we don't exist here anymore! (Lister holds up a cue card to Kryten which gets
caught on camera. Lister starts to laugh and stomp his feet.) (To camera) You'll do a pan
across an' I'll wait a little longer, yeah?
Off Camera: We'll do a single frame, we'll do a single frame.
Lister: All right, SHUT UP!
TAKE 3
Lister: Oh, we don't exist here anymore!
Off camera: We can see the paper in your hands.
Lister: (Softly)Shi...
Off Camera: OK, once more to the point, 'we don't...'
Lister: He's making me laugh.
TAKE 4
Lister: Oh, we don't exist here anymore!
Kryten: Actually, more correctly sir, we don't ever have existed here before. Although this
is hardly the time to be conjugating temporal verbs in the past and possible never tense.
BOX:
Kryten: Now, in this next section, I am going to answer the ten most asked questions
about Red Dwarf. The ten questions that people have written in and asked us to answer. I
have to stress that I have never seen any of these questions before. (Holds up a pack of
cards.) So, I have had absolutely no time to prepare any slick answers. OK, here we go.
(Kryten asks and answers the questions very quickly and avoidingly.) The tenth most
asked question about Red Dwarf is: In Stasis Leak when Lister, Rimmer, and the Cat enter
the shower, there is a calendar on the wall which says the second of March, 2077 and
Lister comments that this date is three weeks before the radiation leak that wiped out the
crew. And yet, in Me2 the radiation leak that wiped out the crew was meant to happen six
weeks before gazpacho soup day which was the 25th of November. (Actually, Lister says gazpacho soup day is 6 weeks before the leak.) Why did he say this? Well, uhm, let's
come back to that one shall we? Question #2 and the ninth most asked question about Red
Dwarf is: In the third show of series two in Thanks for the Memory, Lister tells Rimmer he's had his appendix out. And yet in the second episode of series 6, in Legion, Lister is
suffering from appendicitis and has them out again. Please can you explain why Lister has
had his appendix out twice? Well, uh, he liked the operation so much, he went back and had it again!
Moving on, the eighth most asked question about Red Dwarf: In Psirens why did Lister's nails and hair
grow when he was in the stasis booth (deep sleep actually) and yet everybody knows a stasis field is
supposed to freeze time? Because it was faulty OK?!? Moving on. The seventh most asked question about
Red Dwarf is: What are the lyrics to the theme tune? The lyrics to the theme tune are: (These lyrics are
spoken even quicker.)
It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere.
I'm all alone, more or less.
Let me fly far away from here, fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose, sipping fresh mango juice.
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes,
Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun. Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
(Yeah) (Added by Kryten at the end.)
The sixth most asked question about Red Dwarf is: Where do I write to get Red Dwarf Merchandising and
what is for sale? The address is, (The following appears on screen as Kryten says it.)
Distribution Network Company
PO BOX 10
LONDON
SW 19 3 TW
Tel: 0815431231
Kryten: Visa and Access welcome. (Back to Kryten) What do they sell?(As Kryten calls off the list, the
following items appear: Red Dwarf logo jackets, a Duane Dibbley T-shirt, a starbug shirt and a Red Dwarf
baseball cap.) They sell jackets, T-shirts, baseball caps, mugs, woolly ski-hats, birthday cards, posters, and
calendars. (The following appears on screen as Kryten says it.)
(on the left is a Red Dwarf badge package)
Alchemy Carta Ltd.
The Alembic
Hazel Drive
LEICESTER
LE 3 2JE
Tel: 0533824824
Fax: 0533825202
(The British telephone system has changed since the recording of this program. Both phone numbers are
incorrect and the Distribution Network Company address has changed. For more details browse to the Red Dwarf FAQ
Kryten: Visa and Access welcome (Back to Kryten) The fifth most asked question about Red Dwarf: In
Marooned did Lister really eat dog food or was it something else made up to look like dog food? Yes, it
was something else. In fact, it was cat food! The fourth most asked question: can I call my house, horse,
hamster, or boat Red Dwarf? Yes you can. The third most asked question about Red Dwarf is: how long
does it take to make an episode of red Dwarf? The answer is seven days. The second most asked question
about Red Dwarf is: In Marooned how is it possible for Rimmer to inhale the smoke from his burning trunk
and realize it was camphor wood, when he is a hologram and holograms can't smell? Because uhm,
because uhm... The second most asked question about Red Dwarf is: In Justice Rimmer was accused of
murdering the entire crew of Red Dwarf which was 1167 people. And yet in the first show, Lister was the
lowest crew member and he was #169. How is this possible? (Kryten tosses the card away.) In Stasis Leak,
Lister says the date of the accident is 2077 which is the 21st century and yet in DNA he says he is an
'enlightened 23rd century guy'. Why doesn't he know what century he was born in? Hmm... (Kryten tosses
the card.) And the most asked question about Red Dwarf is: In the Smeg Ups tape when you did that
section answering the ten most asked questions about Red Dwarf, why were there 11 questions (12
actually) and not ten as promised? Because, we made a mistake! OK?!?!! (Cut to the crew in their TIV
outfits from 5-1 Imitating [David Coleman].)
All: Eeeeeeeextraordinary!!
Box:
Kryten: There is an old mechanoid saying: "01110000010000111" (During this, the film is repeated to give
the impression that Kryten has forgotten that the black box recording was meant for humans.) Oh, I beg
your pardon. Never work with children or animals. Only on Red Dwarf, we have come up with a new
saying: Never work with children, animals, or bullets.
(4-2) Young Rimmer hangs from a tree. His mother approaches.
Rimmer's mother: You know your father and I have been terribly worried about your progress in school.
Well, I went to see the headmaster. He said it might be in your best interest if you were to st.. if you were
to...Oh, (she quite clearly mouths f--k. The 'f' sound can be heard.)
Off Camera: That's all right, don't worry. (She realizes her curse and gets embarrassed)
Rimmer's mother: Sorry (young Rimmer laughs)
Off Camera: Still going...
(6-4) Kryten and Rimmer discuss the oxy-generator options on Starbug.
Rimmer: And what if it doesn't work?
Kryten: Then the Cat and Lister will choke to death.
Rimmer: A plan with no drawbacks!
(Kryten and Rimmer head for the cockpit. Lister's hat sitting on the counter, morphs into a chicken. The
chicken flies into the next room.)
(6-4) Kryten and Rimmer discuss the oxy-generator options on Starbug.
Rimmer: And what if it doesn't work?
Kryten: Then the Cat and Lister will choke to death.
Rimmer: A plan with no drawbacks!
(Kryten and Rimmer head for the cockpit. Lister's hat sitting on the counter, morphs into a chicken. The
chicken flies into the next room.)
(A title card appears: Moving the chicken)
(A chicken stands on the counter. No matter what happens the chicken will not move. The following
happens:
A loud knocking noise, someone blows on the tail feathers.
Off Camera Voice 1 (OCV1) [At sheet]? Oh, hmm, you might see it. I was just going to say (an apparently
female finger points up behind the chicken) if I could've just got my finger up there? And pushed forward.
I might've been out of shot. But...
OFCV2: No, I can see it.
OFCV1: You could, couldn't you? Yeah.
(An object is fanned behind the chicken.) No, she knows this is the wrong way and [?]
OFCV1: What about, we hold a piece of gut across? Somebody holds it one side, I hold it
the other. And we just walk her off.
OFCV2: We'll need fishing wire. Cut tape please Kev.
(The fishing wire can be seen in front of the chicken.)
OFCV1: See, you've gotta do it, because I can't don't go any further forward.
(The chicken walks around the wire.)
OFCV2: Great! OK cut tape Kev.
(A hand is on the chicken's tail.)
OFCV1: All right, you can see my hand there. But if I went..(The hand shoves the chicken
off and it crashes to the floor.)
BOX
Kryten: Incidentally, that was a trained chicken. It might have looked just like any old
chicken to you, but that chicken went to the poultry equivalent of [Rodin]. Now about
those bullets I told you about earlier. The next sequence is from 'Gunmen of the
Apocalypse". It was a scene where Mr. Cat had to shoot the bad guys bullets out of the
air. All the bullets had to do was drop on the floor and stay in the picture. It's not that
much to ask. Just drop down and stay where we can see them. And you know, some of
the people who are helping with this shot have been to university. Extraordinary.
(In this sequence we see a wooden floor with two bullets dropping on to it from above.
The bullets always bounce off camera.)
Off Camera Voices: Here we go, OK, action, one more, hold them apart when you drop
them, don't drop them together, they were bouncing that way, so drop them here, up a
bit, up a bit, up a bit, up a bit, there, it must be 'cause they're hitting each other and
bouncing out separately and bouncing off the wood as well, wasn't in shot there sorry, try
it, try further this way. (A total of 13 drops in all.)
(6-3) Jimmy's boys prepare to shoot 'Riverboat'.
Jimmy: Frank, Duke, line his lungs with lead. (The bar patrons hide under tables. Cat
stands up to face the gunmen.) Who in the heck are you?
Cat: They call me the kid, The Riviera Kid. (Cat does his mexican dance.)
Jimmy: Well, Riviera Kid, let's see if your shooting's as fancy as your dancin'.
(The men fire their pistols at Cat. Cat fires back with two guns and shoots the enemy
bullets out of the air.)
BOX
Kryten: (He holds his hands looking upset.) Oh, I feel so guilty now. Making fun of those
poor bullets. They were trying their best. Look, just to make them feel a little better, let's
refresh our memories with some quite tragic mistakes that the crew made.
(6-1) Rimmer discusses the Red Dwarf situation.
Rimmer: Now then gentlemen as we know, Red Dwarf is lost. Sorry, I screwed up the
first bloody line of the night. First line of the series and he goes and blows it like a bigot.
Kryten: Chris, Chris you're joining a team of very highly trained professionals.
Rimmer: I know, I know, the premiere legion.
Kryten: Let me tell you.
(6-1) The first garbage cannon has worked.
TAKE 1
Lister: Yeeesss! (All are happy. Rimmer is relieved.)
Kryten: Relocating Red Dwarf's vapor trail. At present speed and course, we're gonna be doing something
else. Funny how it just goes. Doesn't it?
Off Camera: Cut!
TAKE 2
Lister and Kryten: Yeeesss!
Kryten: Relocating Red Dwarf's vapor trail oh {censored} god, what am I doing? Yes I'm sorry I have no
idea what the rest of that line was. It could'nt have been something else, I'll do a song and dance routine.
(Kryten does a skiing kind of dance.) (Singing) New York, New York, it's a wonderful...
(6-5) Kryten discusses the medical test results with Rimmer.
Kryten: You don't have any next of kin do you sir?
Rimmer: No, they all died of heart attacks. But not just heart attacks actually. Strokes, brain clots,
aneurysms, you name it. I don't think...I've got this line right either. So I'm not doing very well at all. Am
I really?
(Later same scene)
Rimmer: Kryten, I wan't to know. That's why I asked for a medical in the first place. Is there bad news?
Kryten: Lie mode cancel. Yes sir, I'm afraid there is.
Rimmer: (Clutching at his chest.) Ah, I knew it! It's the heart attacks, oh, not the heart bloody attacks, it's
just a...(fakes a faint) I would be dead then!
(4-3) The crew are awaiting the results of the mind probe.
Rimmer: Absolutely despicable. You're a common thief!
Lister: I was a kid.
Rimmer: Sounds like you were 'Billy the Kid'
Lister: Look, uh, I, I...(gives up) line? Sorry love, broke up the flow there. [What a day.]
(6-5) Later during the medical.
Rimmer: Flaw? (Kryten cracks up.)
(5-3) Rimmer prepares for the mind-patch.
Rimmer: But I will still have control?
Kryten: You will have access to their knowledge but is (Kryten begins to act like a computer gone bezerk.)
Off Camera: Still rolling,
Kryten: Uhm, OK, try again. One more time.
Off Camera: Once more, here we go.
(Kryten stares down at Rimmer not knowing what to say.)
Rimmer: (As a cue.) But I will still have control?(Kryten laughs, walks off, Rimmer starts to laugh.)
(Series 6) Kryten is facing Rimmer.
Rimmer: I then order you to don my old space suit. The one with theee (Rimmer does his Kenneth
Williams impersonation.) Err, matron, yes I screwed the line! (Back to normal voice.) Every week, every
bloody, every bloody week.
(4-6) Lister speaking during Rimmer's Risk story.
Lister: What's wrong with you? Don't you realize, (Lister smiles realizing he has forgotten his lines.)
(4-6) Rimmer having fun between takes.
Rimmer: Kenneth Willliams does the Dirty Dozen. (Changes voice to match routine.) Err, yes now. My
name is General Patton yes.
(4-4) Kryten explains why he repaired the toaster.
Kryten: By re-routing all his circuitry and channeling his run time through a single CPU. I managed to
restore his intelligence at the cost of reducing his operational lifespan.
Lister: So?
Kryten: Oh, you want the rest sh-t! That's a good one.
(6-4) Duane Dibbley and Ace Rimmer Prepare to enter the airlock.
TAKE 1
Duane: Just let me check. Thermos, sandwiches, uh, corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, animal
tr...(He stops mid-word and walks backwards to the beginning of the shot while pretending to speak
backwards.)
TAKE 2
Duane: Just let me check. Thermos, sandwiches, corn plasters, (Stops, smiles, goes backward again.)
TAKE 3
Duane: Just let me check. Thermos, sandwiches, oh, {censored}(Walks out of shot.)
TAKE 4
(He gets as far as one step before starting over.)
TAKE 5
Ace: Ready old chum?
Duane: just let me check. Thermos, sandwiches, corn plasters, telephone money, dandruff brush, uh, animal
footprint chart, and one triple-thick condom...you never know...
Ace: Right! Lets go into the A...{censored}
(5-3) Kryten realizes why the holoship never communicated with them.
Kryten: Well, now I understand why they, hoo, well I've just forgotten what I understood there.
(6-3) Rimmer is lecturing Lister on his overuse of the AR machine.
Lister: I don't just play the role play games. What about the sporting simulations like zero-gee kick
boxing.(Kicks at the air.) and Wimbledon? (Swings an imaginary racket.)
Rimmer: You only play Wimbledon because you're having it off with that jail-bait ball girl.
Lister: Another lie! She's not jail-bait, she's 17.
Rimmer: Lister, she's a computer ... par pussy!
Lister: Hey! Hey! (Rimmer knowing he's messed up, salutes the Cat who appears at left.)
(6-3) Rimmer has suggested surrender to the simulants.
Kryten: Sir, we can't just surrender. They...do something very complicated.
BOX:
Kryten: If you're like me, the sort of sanitation droid who feels that links on blooper shows are generally
about as interesting as a hiking holiday in Albania with a group of encyclopedia salesman, then you'll be
grateful that this link is so short. Let's see something else go seriously wrong. Cue those models.
(4-5) Ace Rimmer's dimension ship model takes off. Film reverses. The model launches and crashes into
the right wall.
(Appears to be series 5)
1. Starbug flies down the hangar. It spins out of control before it gets half of the way.
2. Starbug almost makes it out into space, but falls over backwards and slides into the doors.
3. Starbug flies straight into the upper hangar door.
BOX:
Kryten: We've discussed the problems we've had on Red Dwarf with walking and talking. But add to that
making an entrance and you've opened a whole new waste pod of problems. It must be something to do
with waiting off screen for the director to say 'Action!' that causes the humanoid brain to turn to mush. This
next section is a unique testament to human and indeed mechanoid failure.
(6-2) Cat has detected Legion's tractor beam.
Cat: all hands on deck! Swirly thing alert!
(All rush into cockpit and take their seats.)
Lister: Where?
Cat: It's not on the oh, {censored} (All leave cockpit.)
(6-1) Cat has detected the giant flaming asteroid.
(All rush into cockpit and take their seats.)
Kryten: Shall I load the garbage cannon sir?
Lister: It wouldn't make a dent!
Rimmer: Sorry (Grumbles to himself. All leave the cockpit.)
(6-6) Kryten brings Lister a peace-offering-beer.
Kryten: I wondered if you'd...(Kryten walks away. Lister waves good-bye. Kryten waves back.)
(5-3) Cat, Lister, and Kryten enter a corridor running from the mad-Rimmer, who is right behind them.
Cat: So what now?
Kryten: We have to get to the hologrammic...(Kryten turns to exit the scene. Someone off camera is singing
something.)
(Series 6) Kryten and Cat are in the cockpit.
Off Camera: And action!
(Lister slides by the door. Later Rimmer tries to jump past the doorway, but the audience sees him and ruin
the shot. Lister and Rimmer enter.
Lister: [Some time]?
(Series 6) Only Kryten can be seen but all are heard.
All: Eeeeeeeextraordinary!
BOX:
Kryten: There are certain questions which have dogged humankind since the beginning of time. Why does
a single teaspoon always end up in the basin after you've finished the washing up? When it says 'please
leave your shopping trolley in the space provided' why do people leave them all over the damn car park?
And most interestingly of all, when you want it to be quiet, why is it always guaranteed to be noisy?
(4-6) Rimmer, Kryten, and Elvis survey the 'troops'.
(In the air an airplane can be heard approaching.)
Kryten: Mr. Noel Coward, sir.
Coward: Delighted to meet you dear boy. (The airplane is directly overhead.)
Off camera: Hold it. The noise.
Coward: {censored}
Rimmer: (In a Coward voice.) Yes it is dear boy!
(4-6) Rimmer addresses his troops.
Rimmer: You're quite the worst bunch of historical wax-droids. I've EVER had the misfortune to clap my
eyes on. You're a total bloody shambles! (A plane approaches.) And, if we're gonna win this war,
someone's gonna turn you into soldiers! (Rimmer looks up at the plane and shouts at it.) And you too!
(the camera pans over and the cars of the filming crew get caught on tape.)
(4-6) Rimmer, Kryten, and Elvis survey the troops.
Kryten: Mr. Noel coward, sir.
Coward: Delighted to meet you dear boy.
Rimmer: Shut up!
Kryten: Monsiuer John Paul Satre, sir.
Rimmer: Who?
Kryten: He's a philosopher sir, he's an existentialist.
Rimmer: Well, Satre, we don't like existentialist around her. And we certainly don't like French
philosophers poncing around in their black polo-neck sweaters filling everyone's heads with their theories
about the bleakness of absurdity and the existensi-oh-{censored} (A plane flies over.) of aircraft overhead
as well!
(5-3) Rimmer accepts the terms of the Holoship admissions test.
Rimmer: Who will be my opponent?
Capt. Platini: Well, I'm sure our computer will come up with the most stimulating match up. It has
stochastic capabilities.
Rimmer: Stochastic eh? No kidding? ( A crash sounds as the captain drops his tea tray, caught off guard
as the others in the scene laugh. Rimmer throws his hands up.)
Off Camera: Quiet please!
(4-6) Lister is standing outside during a location shot. In the background birds and other animals are
making too much noise. Lister turns to pretend shooting a rifle.
Off Camera: SHUT UP!
Off Camera: Is that the sound you wanted? Get a wild-tracker there. A big bird...
(A dog bark adds to the noise.)
Lister: Oh, shut up. Shoot that dog please. (He starts to laugh as a plane flies overhead as well.) It's
projecting in everywhere. (Stagehands run in to the shot.)
BOX
Kryten: A crucial part of any crew's training is the acceptance of discipline and the mature attitude to the
job at hand. The important thing to remember, and one which the Dwarfers swear by is: that you must
keep up a high level of concentration at all times. The keynote here is: Always be professional.
(5-3) The crew are facing the Inquisitor.
Each of the crew members look back at the camera and make funny faces. Cat gives a two finger salute
and the Inquisitor returns it. Lister swings a fist at Rimmer's head. Cat and Rimmer give salutes.
(Series 4 or 5) Kryten stares at the camera with an odd look on his face.
Kryten: I've just cacked me pants! (Holly smiles in the background.)
(Series 4 or 5) Rimmer makes a face to the camera and sticks out his tounge. Lister makes a two finger
gun and points it at Rimmer's head, pulling the 'trigger'.
(Series 6) The crew in the starbug cockpit.
(Lister picks his nose and the slowly puts the finger in his mouth.)
Off camera: Great! Well, let's go on here please.
Lister: (Points to the other nostril.) Saving this one 'till after! Gotta bigger one here. That was the starter,
this the main course!
Kryten?: Well, what we don't want to know is where the sweets come!
(5-6) Inside Rimmer's dungeon cell.
Lister: Should've tried again. There isn't a prison built that can hold...[Sir Ralph Fiennes???]
(Cat and Lister do a little dance as they laugh.)
(4-6) Rimmer as Kenneth Williams.
(Please note this a horrible transcription. Most of the dialogue spoken in this scene is mumbled and very
hard to decipher from a video. If you can shed any light, please e-mail at the address in the notes at the
top.)
Rimmer: Here we are at, uh, Wembley, uh, ah extraordinary outfit and with me is Lester [Piglin][Lester
you're gonna get a little TV] is that right? [that's exactly right matey.] It's a program about food and
drink, isn't lad? [???] What's your favorite drink, Lester? [Well, actually I like Vat 69] [Vat] 69, why's
that? [Because it comes out of a ? tank.]
(Series 6) Cat, Kryten, and Lister are standing in starbug. The director is seen flipping through the pages
of a script.
Off Camera: Voyage to the Bottom of the sea.
(Kryten and Lister pretend to be losing their balance on the deck of a rocking ship.)
(Series 6) Starbug is shaking and the crew in the cockpit are bouncing up and down in their seats.
(Appears to be series 5) Starbug flies out of the hangar and drops straight down.
(6-3) The crew 'Yee haw!' as they escape 'the rather large moon'. The theme tune begins to play as the
audience cheers. The crew give each other high-fives and Lister plays air guitar. As the tune fades out,
the camera pans across the audience.
BOX
Kryten: Well, I can't sit around here all day. I've got to get out the Smeg-Hammer and loosen Mr. Lister's
underwear. But before I go, I thought you might like to see this next piece. Which is the original ending of
the very last show of Series 6. The ending which never made it. The ending that ended up on the cutting
room floor.
(6-6) Starbug flies by. Cut to cockpit.
Kryten: I knew it would be a mistake to see the future. Now our whole lives will be colored by the
fact that we're gonna end up becoming people we despise.
Rimmer: Threat warning - vessel off the stern. They've got a missile lock on us!
Lister: Our future selves are attacking us?
Cat: They're nuts! (A crash)
Cat: Direct hit! The gyroscope's out!
Kryten: They're trying to disable us!
Rimmer: Another lock!
Lister: Incoming message!
Future-Rimmer: Gentlemen, we have no intention of being deprived of the opulence of luxury the time-
drive provides. Either you give us access to the data we require, or be prepared to be blasted out of the
sky!
Kryten: But if you kill us, you'll cease to exist!
F-Rimmer: Better that, than be forced to live like you - like rats trapped together, marooned in Deep
Space. Your answer... thirty seconds.
Cat: So what do we do?
Rimmer: Have we got any chance of winning?
Kryten: Their craft is greatly upgraded. We have no chance whatsoever.
Rimmer: Then I say, fight!
Kryten: Mr Rimmer?
Rimmer: Better dead than smeg!
Lister: Yees! Cat?
Cat: Better dead than surfboard-sized butt!
Lister: Kryten?
Kryten: Better anything than that toupee!
Lister: Shields up, arming lasers!
Cat: Bringing her 'round.
Kryten: Target acquired!
Lister: Locking on! Firin'!
Kryten: Direct hit - starboard thrusters! Nice shooting, sir!
Cat: Bringin' her 'round for desert!
Rimmer: Threat warning! They've got a lock on!
Lister: I'm goin' for the main fuel tanks!
Kryten: They're in your sights!
Lister: Locked on! Fire!
(An explosion in Lister's face throws him to the floor.)
Kryten: Mr Lister?
Cat: Is he OK?
Kryten: He's... dead, sir!
Rimmer: The hull's gonna go - we'll all be dead in a minute!
(Another explosion kills Cat.)
Rimmer: CAT?
Kryten: Dead. But there may be a...
(Another explosion finishes off Kryten.)
Rimmer: Kryten? Kryten? There may be a what? A way out of this? Is that what were you going to
say? Speak, Kryten! How can we change what's happening?
(Rimmer realizes what he must do. He picks up a bazookoid and rushes down a lower-deck-corridor. He
aims at the time-drive and fires. Starbug explodes.
Cut to: (Kryten walks in to the main room on starbug pouring drinks for the others, alive and well.)
Kryten: Chilled Margaritas sirs. We have much to celebrate. Mr. Rimmer destroyed the time-drive,
deleted our future selves and saved us all.
Rimmer: Please Kryten, it's not something I'm proud of. (Lister pats him on the shoulder.)
Kryten: Furthermore, we've relocated Red Dwarf's vapor trail and are barely six days behind. May I take
the liberty of proposing a toast. To the present!
All: To the present! (Their glasses are raised and clinked. They all take a sip and spit it out with disgust.)
Lister: They are'nt margaritas. That's urine-recyc! (The three stare at Kryten with yellow mustaches.)
The theme plays over the credits.
BOX
Kryten: Well, that's about it. Thanks for watching and here some more smegups to go out with.
(4-1) Kryten and Camille-Android on her ship.
(Kryten moves into the scene miming a few words.)
Off camera: Here we go, still recording, stand by.
Camille: (Fixes her costume.) Hang on.
Kryten: she just has to adjust her breasts. Excuse me. (Watches and nods approval)
(6-5) Rimmer is having his emergency drill.
Rimmer: (Off camera until he messes up.) Look, Starbug's a flaming inferno, the engine room's-a-waist deep in rocket fuel, and we're being attacked off the starboard bow by a bu-bya-{censored} [?] (Rimmer does a scratch that take gesture.)
(4-5) Rimmer tries to be liked scene.
Rimmer: I tried to be liked, God knows I tried. I regaled you with stories of when I was treasurer of the Organ Hammond {censored} (Speks gibberish and bows to the audience.)
(6-3) The effects are being produced for the scene in which Sheriff Kryten's liquor bottle is shot out of his hands.
(Kryten is dancing as a stagehand sprinkles something on his hat.)
Off Camera: [Run speed] There will be an explosion as the bottle goes. (Someone whistles.)
Kryten: But I hope it's not too big. I'm a chicken.
Off Camera: Stan, did you see that?; Yeah, you'll have to feedback . Here we go, quiet please! Keep dancing Robert. (Kryten dances.) And, bottle! (His bottle explodes.) And hat! (His hat flies away.)
Kryten: (Noticing that he still holds the neck of the bottle.) {censored} hell?! I guess you wanted me to check if it went.
(6-5) A Rimmer clone jumps out from behind a tree.
Clone: Silence, travesty! (he starts to laugh)
(4-1) The Cat describes his Camille to Lister as they walk down a corridor.
Cat: Ahhh!
Lister: What did you see?
Cat: Oh, just some gorgeous chunk of loveliness!
Lister: What did you see?
Cat: Oh...(He walks into a low hanging microphone.) Booby my ass!
(5-3) Lister is operating a welding torch to cut free Kryten.
Off Camera: Listen, before you put in on, pull the mask down, OK?
Lister: Really?
Off Camera: Yeah, yeah.
Lister: (Pulls his down his mask.) I forgot. I said the thing is I can't see out of this mask.
Off Camera: That doesn't matter. We don't know that.
Lister: Yeah! But I could cut my {censored} knob off! You know what I mean? Doesn't matter, we can't tell! Well when you smell the burning flesh, you might you know.
(4-6) Rimmer as Kenneth Williams.
Rimmer: Err, matron, yes, yes. I gather we had no sound you see. Then we had to do it again yes. We now have sound. Which is that knob-like thing up there. Which you can't see, you see.
(4-1) Lister teaching Kryten to lie.
Off Camera: (As a cue.) It's a, a,...
Kryten: I screwed up! Hah! One of my chips was a bit loose on the left hand side.
(5-4) Kryten shows Lister and Cat the luck virus.
Kryten: But this one is the most intriguing of all. According to her notes this is the viral strain Fellicitus Populi. Commonly known as luck.
Lister: What, luck is a virus?
Kryten: A positive virus which most human beings uhm, contract or something like that and we wibbly wobbly oobly oobly ooh, bibbly bobbly boo.
Lister: Well you haven't got it then have you? (Kryten pretends to give himself a luck-shot.)
(4-3) During Rimmer's trial.
Kryten: A man of such awesome stupidity,
Rimmer: Objection!
Justice Computer: Objection overruled.
Kryten: A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defense council. An overzealous trumped up little squirt.
Rimmer: Objection!!
Justice Computer: Overruled.
Rimmer: Object to the previous overruling of my previous {censored} sorry. Sorry, {censored} it's not in the script, I know.
(6-4) The crew are making their way back to Starbug on the GELF moon.
Cat: Wait! Something's coming.
Kryten: Ahhrgh! It's the Emohawk!
Cat: (Cutting the others off.) Oh, wait, sorry, sorry, sorry, did I, did I, say the right line?
Lister: Yeah, yeah you did.
Cat: Oh, {censored} sorry guys!
The GRANT NAYLOR and BBC logos appear as the tape ends.
