Trials and Tribulations of A Yankee Chili Judge

<BODY BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" background="081c6713.gif" LINK="#FFCC99" ALINK="#009D74" VLINK="#FF9966"> <bR> <div> <B> </B><FONT SIZE="7" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Hot, Hot, Hot" ><B> <img src="HTMLobj-456/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="57" height="80">  Trials & Tribulations of a </B></FONT></div> <div> <B>YANKEE CHILI JUDGE</B></div> <div> <B> <img src="HTMLobj-359/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="600" height="82">  </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#0000FF" FACE="Loki Cola" ><B>                                                       </B></FONT></div> <div> Notes from a  inexperienced chili taster named Rick, who  was</div> <div> visiting TEXAS :</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Recently, I was honored to be selected as an outstanding</div> <div> and famous celebrity in Texas; to be a judge at a chili</div> <div> cook off,because no one else wanted to do it and the original</div> <div> person called in sick at the last moment,and I happened to </div> <div> be standing there at the judges' table asking directions to</div> <div> the beer wagon when the call came in.</div> <bR> <div> I was assured by the other two judges(native Texians)</div> <div> that the chili wouldn't be all that spicey, and besides they </div> <div> told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I </div> <div> accepted.</div> <div>  <img src="HTMLobj-146/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="44" height="44">  Here are the scorecards from the event <img src="HTMLobj-145/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="44" height="44">  </div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Chili #1: Sweet-Thang's  wild bull monster chili:</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Judge # 1: A little too heavy on tomato........,</B></div> <div> <B>amusing kick.</B></div> <div> <B>Judge # 2: nice, smooth tomato flavor, very</B></div> <div> <B>mild.</B></div> <div> <B>Rick: </B><I><B>Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff?</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>You could remove dried paint from the drive-</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>way with it! Took me two beers to put the </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>flames out. hope that's the worst one. These texians are crazy!</B></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Chili #2: Elmer's after-burner chili:</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Judge #1:  Smokey (bar-b-que?) with a hint of </B></div> <div> <B>pork. Slight jalapeno tang.</B></div> <div> <B>Judge # 2:  Exciting bbq flavor,,, needs more</B></div> <div> <B>peppers to be taken seriously.</B></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Emerald Isle" ><B>Rick: </B></FONT><I><B> </B></I><I><B>Keep this out of the reach of children!</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>I'm not sure what i'm supposed to taste </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>besides pain. I had to wave off two people </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>who wanted to give me the heimlich </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>manuever. Shoved my way to the front of </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>beer line.</B></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Chili # 3 :  Liberty's  famous Burn -Down-the-Barn</B></div> <div> <B>Chili :</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Judge # 1 :  Excellent firehouse chili. Great </B></div> <div> <B>kick,,, needs more beans.</B></div> <div> <B>Judge # 2 :  A bean-less chili. A bit salty, good </B></div> <div> <B>use of red peppers.</B></div> <div> <B>Rick: </B><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Hot, Hot, Hot" ><I><B> This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA,</B></I></FONT></div> <div> <I><B>I've located a uranium spill. My nose  feels</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>like i've been snorting Drano.Everyone</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>knows the routine by now and gets  out of </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>my way so i can  make it to the beer wagon.</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>Barmaid pounded me on the back; Now my</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>backbone is in the front part of my chest.</B></I></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Chili # 4 : Glenna's  Black Magic Chili:</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Judge # 1 : A black bean chili with almost</B></div> <div> <B>no spice, Disappointingly mild.</B></div> <div> <B>Judge # 2 : Hint of lime in the black beans,</B></div> <div> <B>good side dish for fish or other mild foods;</B></div> <div> <B>not much of a chili.</B></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Emerald Isle" ><B>Rick:</B></FONT><B> </B><I><B> I felt something scraping across my tongue</B></I></div> <div> <I><B> but was unable to taste it. Debbie, the barmaid, was </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>me with free</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>beer refills.....,,,so I wouldn't have to dash over to</B></I></div> <div> <I><B> see her.</B></I></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Chili # 5:  Gloria's  Legal Lip Remover Chili:</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Judge # 1:  Meaty, strong chili. freshly ground</B></div> <div> <B>cayenne peppers adding considerable kick. </B></div> <div> <B>Very impressive.</B></div> <div> <B>Judge #2:  Chili  using shredded beef; must </B></div> <div> <B>admit that the cayenne peppers make a</B></div> <div> <B>strong statement.</B></div> <div> <B>Rick: </B><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Hot, Hot, Hot" ><I><B> my ears are ringing, and i can no longer focus</B></I></FONT></div> <div> <I><B>  my eyes. I tooted and four people behind  </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>me needed paramedics. Contestant seemed hurt</B></I></div> <div> <I><B> when i told her that her chili had given</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>me brain damage.  Debbie  saved my tongue </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>by pouring beer </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>me that one of the other judges asked me to  </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>stop screaming!</B></I></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Chili # 6:  Briley's  Volcanic vegetarian</B></div> <div> <B> Variety:</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> </B></div> <div> <B>Judge # 1:  Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety</B></div> <div> <B>chili. Good balence of japapeno and habanero</B></div> <div> <B>peppers and spices.</B></div> <div> <B>Judge #2:  The best yet. Agressive use of peppers,</B></div> <div> <B>onions and garlic. Superb!</B></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Emerald Isle" ><B>Rick: </B></FONT><B> </B><I><B>My intestines are now a straight pipe </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>filled with gaseous flames. No one seems</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>inclined to stand behind me except Debbie.</B></I></div> <div> <B> <img src="HTMLobj-138/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="450" height="15">  </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Chili#7:  Melissa's Screaming Sensation Chili:</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>A mediocre chili with too much reliance on</B></div> <div> <B>canned peppers.</B></div> <div> <B>Judge #2:  Ho-hum, tastes as if the cook threw</B></div> <div> <B>in canned habanero peppers at the last minute.</B></div> <div> <B>(I should note that I'm worried about Judge#3.</B></div> <div> <B>He appears to be in a bit of distress.)</B></div> <div> <FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Emerald Isle" ><B>Rick: </B></FONT><I><B> </B></I><I><B>You could put a grenade in my mouth and </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds as if it's made of rushing water. My clothes are covered</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>at some point. Good! At my autopsy they'll</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>know what killed me. I've decided to stop </B></I></div> <div> <I><B>breathing....,,, it's too painful, and I'm not get-</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>ting any oxygen now anyway.  If I need air, I'll</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my</B></I></div> <div> <I><B>stomach.........</B></I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Chili #8:  Steve's  sabre-saw chili:</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B>Judge # 1:  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend</B></div> <div> <B>chili, safe for all. Not too bold...,,, but spicy</B></div> <div> <B>enough to declare its existence.</B></div> <div> <B>Judge #2:  This final entry is a good, balenced</B></div> <div> <B>chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that</B></div> <div> <B>most of it was lost when Judge #3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.</B></div> <div> <B>Rick:  </B><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="CAC Krazy Legs Bold" ><I><B> ( editor's note:  Judge #3 was unable to report! )</B></I></FONT></div> <bR> <div> <B>     </B></div> <div> <B> <img src="HTMLobj-155/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="109" height="160">   <img src="HTMLobj-162/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="76" height="115">   <img src="HTMLobj-157/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="109" height="160">  </B></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://go.MailBits.com/Tell.asp?118475.1" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://go.MailBits.com/Tell.asp?118475.1"><U><B> <img src="HTMLobj-1979/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="400" height="20">  </B></U></A><B>                                              </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>CLICK ON BANNERS</B></div> <div> <A HREF="http://GO.MAILBITS.COM/TRIVIA.ASP?118475.1 " TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://GO.MAILBITS.COM/TRIVIA.ASP?118475"><U><B> <img src="HTMLobj-1980/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="88" height="31">  </B></U></A><B>          </B><A HREF="http://aff.mailbits.com/info/earn.asp?118475 " TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://aff.mailbits.com/info/earn.asp?11"><U><B> <img src="HTMLobj-1981/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="88" height="31">  </B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <B><U> <img src="HTMLobj-1982/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="27" height="26">  </U></B><A HREF="http://www.TALLTEXIAN.com" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.TALLTEXIAN.com"><U><B><U>www.TALLTEXIAN.com</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <B><U> <img src="HTMLobj-1983/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="40" height="30">  </U></B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="TALLTEXIANS SOUTHFORTY"><U><B><U>Home Pag</U></B></U></A><B><U>e</U></B></div> <bR> <div> <B><U> <img src="HTMLobj-1984/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="40" height="30">  </U></B><A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="NEVER LEAVE BEHIND REGRETS"><U><B><U>Next Page</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <B><U> <img src="HTMLobj-1985/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="40" height="30">  </U></B><A HREF="id6.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE=" HE"><U><B><U>Previous Page</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <B><U> <img src="HTMLobj-1986/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="40" height="30">  </U></B><A HREF="a_yankee_chili_judge_cf.htm" TITLE="Trials and Tribulations of A Yankee Chil"><U><B><U>Back to Top</U></B></U></A></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B> <img src="HTMLobj-170/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="108" height="108">  </B></div> <div> <B> <embed src="HTMLobj-172/thegoodthebadtheugly.wav" autostart="true" loop="true" hidden="true">    <script language="JavaScript">  </script>  </B></div> <div> <B><IMG SRC="0ade3960.gif" border=0 width="227" height="150" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B> <img src="HTMLobj-174/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="65" height="100">  </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>  <form method="post" action="http://www.listbot.com/cgi-bin/subscriber"> <table border=0><tr><td colspan=2> Join our mailing list! 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