MY @%F&9!$#)(XZ COMPUTER

<BODY BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT="#F7F7FF" bgproperties="fixed" background="0e580e03.gif" LINK="#99FF66" ALINK="#CC024D" VLINK="#CC66CC"> <bR> <div> <B>MY  @%F&9!$#)(XZ  COMPUTER</B></div> <bR> <div> <B> <img src="HTMLobj-435/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="200" height="160">  </B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer</B></div> <div> <B>to suffer grievously, though not permanently.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can</B></div> <div> <B>push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone.</B></div> <div> <B>For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to</B></div> <div> <B>answer, the charge would increase in intensity.  When the guy from</B></div> <div> <B>tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would</B></div> <div> <B>be discharged into him.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the</B></div> <div> <B>other end of the line, of course.  And a special function would</B></div> <div> <B>allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges</B></div> <div> <B>me to continue holding.  "Your call is important to us," the</B></div> <div> <B>caressing voice always claims.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which</B></div> <div> <B>will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth:</B></div> <div> <B>"Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn't care less.</B></div> <div> <B>Our technical support department consists of two college kids, both</B></div> <div> <B>of whom are busy playing Doom.  Eventually, one of them will come</B></div> <div> <B>on the line, but it will be the one who doesn't speak English."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an "illegal</B></div> <div> <B>function" and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more</B></div> <div> <B>than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to</B></div> <div> <B>come out and retype it for me.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that</B></div> <div> <B>cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name.  Is</B></div> <div> <B>there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word</B></div> <div> <B>processor files all look alike once they are open?  Why can't 6.0</B></div> <div> <B>recognize a 7.0 file?  It's all just words, isn't it?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car,</B></div> <div> <B>their old cars should cease to function.  If they don't understand</B></div> <div> <B>why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to</B></div> <div> <B>them.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses</B></div> <div> <B>work?</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper</B></div> <div> <B>or the last sheet of checks.  When this happens, it makes me want</B></div> <div> <B>to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation</B></div> <div> <B>Proclamation.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I am really tired of hearing about all the things that happened with</B></div> <div> <B>Y2K.  Why didn't anybody ever ask these computer programmers how in</B></div> <div> <B>the world they didn't know the year 2000 would follow the year 1999?</B></div> <div> <B>Software engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people - what</B></div> <div> <B>did they need - a memo or something?</B></div> <div> <B> <img src="HTMLobj-422/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="84" height="84">  </B></div> <div> <B>I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my computer</B></div> <div> <B>files are Y2K-compliant.  The program wouldn't work because - get</B></div> <div> <B>this - my CD-ROM player is too old (I bought it 34 months ago).</B></div> <div> <B>The manufacturer doesn't sell an "updated driver." Thus, to find</B></div> <div> <B>out if my computer is Y2K-compliant, I need to buy another computer.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns</B></div> <div> <B>324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword.  That's like saying, "Good</B></div> <div> <B>news, we've located the product you want.  It's on Earth."</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating</B></div> <div> <B>system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space.  My</B></div> <div> <B>new operating system is five times the size of my original hard</B></div> <div> <B>drive.  With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent.  That's</B></div> <div> <B>as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed</B></div> <div> <B>another 500 pounds.</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy</B></div> <div> <B>drive!  How could they not recognize each other?  They live</B></div> <div> <B>together in the same little tower!</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>Please understand, I don't hate my computer...I just want to hurt</B></div> <div> <B>it every once in a while!</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B> <img src="HTMLobj-436/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="215" height="193">  </B></div> <bR> <div> <B> <img src="HTMLobj-421/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="63" height="84">       </B><FONT SIZE="4" COLOR="#CCFF00" FACE="Peeps" ><B>  </B></FONT></div> <div> <B> <embed src="HTMLobj-239/wooly2_1_.mid" autostart="true" loop="true" hidden="true">    <script language="JavaScript">  </script>  </B></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://go.MailBits.com/Tell.asp?118475.1" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://go.MailBits.com/Tell.asp?118475.1"><U><B> <img src="HTMLobj-1995/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="400" height="20">  </B></U></A></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://GO.MAILBITS.COM/TRIVIA.ASP?118475.1" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://GO.MAILBITS.COM/TRIVIA.ASP?118475"><U><B> 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