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Ambition? --10/25/99

H*ll of a way to start the day.

What is it about movies that always turn my thinking inward? Once again I just finished watching a movie, and once again, I'm doing some serious reflection. My best friend's wedding. I feel so much like Julia Roberts in that film. She is so pre-occupied with her life, and her plans . . . she is so scared to let herself feel something permanent for someone, that she doesn't realize that she loves her best friend until she learns that he's marrying someone else. In a very deep conversation with my good friend Emily, she asked me if I could see her marrying someone else. If I could imagine it without a problem. She said that that's how I'd know that a particular woman is "the one"--when I couldn't imagine the possibility of her marrying someone else, or of me marrying someone else.

I also just watched Mr. Holland's Opus, and in it he tells one of his students that if she has the passion, and the hunger to do something, then she should do it, no matter what anyone else may say. And I got to thinking . . . I don't know such passion. Sure, I like to do a lot of things. Sure I like to be with a lot of different people. But there is not one thing I desire much more strongly than another.

Is it wrong to be completely content with what happens to you every day? Oh, I suppose "completely" is a bit of an exaggeration, but I think I can truly say that I would not rather be anywhere else than where I am at any given time. And sure, I could live with more money or more things, or whatever (it'd sure make life easier, in a lot of ways). But such things really don't inspire me to strive for something.

Ok, irony strikes, but I also just watched Independence Day, and the reason the main character and his wife weren't together was because she didn't find him ambitious enough. What is it about ambition that people find so desireable? How is it that people can't feel satisfied with what they have, and continually strive for something else? I mean, sure, I do do things because little things temporarily irritate me, but I have never been determined enough to try 1500 different things in my quest to figure out exactly what will make an electric light. I've never been so absorbed with an idea, with a goal, that anything that might turn me away from that goal was viewed with distaste.

Yes I strongly desire change in any given situation, but is the constant pursuit of change a good goal? Ok, sure I could adopt someone else's goal. I could aim to become a famous athelete, or an investment banker, or a surfer dude. I could become a religious "zealot" or a pool shark, or the owner of a bar. But I have strong negative feelings toward doing anything to the exclusion of something else I might enjoy, and I enjoy doing a little of everything. I'm not, strictly speaking, hedonistic. I do do things I think I should, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy aspects of those things as well. Granted, taking out the garbage is not a really swell job, but it does get me out of the house, it makes things better in the house, and it's not something I hate to do. In point of fact, I don't think there's much of anything I hate to do. Given a choice, there are certain things I'd prefer to do, but nothing I absolutely hate to do.

So where's my motivation? I enjoy life. I want to live each aspect of it that may I come across to its fullest. When I climb, I truly find that invigorating. When I run, at that time, that's the best feeling. When I can make someone else happy, it makes me happy. When I can just watch how other people interact, I take pleasure in observation. But where, in that jumble of things, do I find any kind of motivation?

Sure, I have a goal to become a supreme court justice. And the reason for that goal goes back to my sophomore year of High School. I went to church, and learned about how Christians stayed out of the political world, because it was so corrupt, and they didn't want to be a part of such corruption. And then I learned about how our corrupt political system took prayer, etc out of the public schools, and how the grades went down, while a general disrespect, and immorality and such started increasing dramatically. Statistically speaking, these two events are obviously directly related. I also learned at church camp that Christians don't have to be missionaries to other countries. That even though other people might be brought to Christ if you become a missionary, there is a need for Christians in so many other fields here in our own country. We need people of strong moral character in politics, education, law, business, etc, and I decided that we really needed a strong Christian president, who wasn't afraid to stand up for his beliefs.

So I decided to go into the field of law so that I could eventually become President. Later I realized that the president didn't really have so much power to change our society as does the Supreme Court, so I changed my goal from becoming president, to becoming a justice. Yet the main reason I still hold that as my goal is because I said that that was my goal, not because I have some strong overriding desire to do the job.

I'm only 22, and I've learned that regardless of what I do, whether I'm in a high, powerful office, or just living my everyday life, I affect other people. And yet when I die, there isn't going to be a sudden, unfillable vaccuum in the universe. And the same holds true for everyone else in the world. Everyone dies, and the world always manages to get on without them. Some people leave behind great things that influence others, even after they've died, and others leave behind great people who have been influenced in and of themselves. And some have done more harm than good, yet regardless, they die, and the universe remains intact.

People say, "Do what you love, and you'll love what you do", but I say, "love what you do, period. When you attain that, it won't matter what happens to you, or what you do in life." And yet I still question it. I have little ambition to make me "better", because I feel like I'm good enough. Yes, I have found that I'd rather have order than chaos, and I prefer a clean house to a mess. I have found that things don't excite me, and I'd rather have a huge stock of experiences. Come Christmas time, I become more and more disillusioned with gifts, and more and more enamored with life. Yes, I enjoy getting a present, but what can I do with another stuffed animal, another tie, some more socks, another poster to hang on the wall, some more games that I rarely get around to playing? In the end, I know I currently have everything I need, because if I didn't I would have died long ago.

Maybe I should become a monk. Take a few vows of silence and such, and spend a couple of years of my life living in almost poverty, owning almost nothing, and doing whatever it is that monks do. At least then I'd have some kind of point. Sort of like while I was at school. I was striving to get my degree. I could still strive to become a lawyer and then a judge, but I guess the question is what's the point? Is there a driving force that I can find within me that will justify my being (or rather, acting) ambitious? I don't know.