AS BILL SEES IT 1 Personality Change "It has often been said of A.A. that we are interested only on alcoholism. That is not true. We have to get over drinking in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the alcoholic personality by firsthand contact knows that no true alky ever stops drinking permanently without undergoing a profound personality change." << << << >> >> >> We thought "conditions" drove us to drink, and when we tried to correct these conditions and found that we couldn't do so to our entire satisfaction, our drinking went out of hand and we became alcoholics. It never ocurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to meet conditions, whatever they were. 1. LETTER, 1940 2. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 47 2 In God's Hands When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. << << << >> >> >> My depression deepened unbearable, and finally it seemed to me as though I were at the very bottom of the pit. For the moment, the last vestige of my proud obstinacy was crushed. All at once I found myself crying out, "If there is a God, let Him show Himself! I am ready to do anything, anything!" Suddenly the room lit up with a great white light. It seemed to me, in the mind's eye, that I was on a mountain and that a wind not of air but of spirit was blowing. And then it burst upon me that I was a free man. Slowly the ecstasy subsided. I lay on the bed, but now for a time I was in another world,a new world of consciouness. All about me and through me there was a wonderful feeling of Presence, and I thought to myself, "So this is the God of the preachers!" 1. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, P. 100 2. A.A. COMES OF AGE, P. 63 3 Pain and Progress "Years ago I used to commiserate with all people who suffered. Now I commiserate only with those who suffer in ignorance, who do not understand the purpose and ultimate utility of pain." << << << >> >> >> Someone once remarked that pain is the touchstone of spiritual progress. How heartily we A.A.'s can agree with him, for we know that the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, and emotional turmoil before serenity. << << << >> >> >> "Believe more deeply. Hold your face up to the Light, even though for the moment you do not see." 1. LETTER, 1950 2. TWELVE AND TWELVE, PP. 93-94 3. LETTER, 1950 4 Can We Choose? We must never be blinded by the futile philosophy that we are just the hapless victims of our inheritance, of our life experience, and of our surroundings -- that these are the sole forces that make our decisions for us. This is not the road to freedom. We have to believe that we can really choose. << << << >> >> >> "As active alcoholics, we lost our ability to choose whetherwe would drink. We were the victims of a compulsion which seemed to decree that we must go on with our own destruction. "Yet we finally did make choices that brought about recovery. We came to believe that alone we were powerless over alcohol. This was surely a choice, and a most difficult one. We came to believe that a Higher Power could restore us to sanity when we became willing to practice A.A.'s Twelve Steps. "In short, we chose to `become willing', and no better choice did we ever make." 1. GRAPEVINE, NOVEMBER 1960 2. LETTER, 1966 5 Maintenance and Growth It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, P. 66 6 All or Nothing? Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety. In fact, they usually do; and they must, else we could have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudesinto our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride. Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems, for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our oldtime attitude of "all or nothing" will have to be abandoned. 1. GRAPEVINE, MARCH 1962 7 The Realm of the Spirit In ancient times material progress was painfully slow. The spirit of modern scientific inquiry, research and invention was almost unknown. In the realm of the material, men's minds were fettered by superstition, tradition, and all sorts of fixed ideas. Some of the contemporaries of Columbus thought a round earth preposterous. Others came near putting Galileo to death for his astronomical heresies. Are not some of us just as biased and unreasonable about the realm of the spirit as were the ancients about the realm of the material? << << << >> >> >> We have found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men. 1. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, P. 51 2. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, P. 46 8 A New Life Is sobriety all that we are to expect of a spiritual awakening? No, sobriety is only a bare beginning; it is only the first gift of the first awakening. If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on. As it does go on, we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life -- the one that did not work -- for a new life that can and does work under any conditions whatever. Regardless of worldly success or failure, regardless of pain or joy, regardless of sickness or health or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening, through the practice of A.A.'s Twelve Steps. GRAPEVINE, DECEMBER 1957 9 Group and World-Wide Community The moment Twelfth Step work forms a group, a discovery is made -- that most individuals cannot recover unless there is a group. Realization dawns on each member that he is but a small part of a great whole; that no personal sacrifice is too great for preservation of the Fellowship. He learns that the clamor of desires and ambitions within him must be silenced whenever these could damage the group. It becomes plain that the group must survive or the individual will not. << << << >> >> >> "The Lone member at sea, the A.A. at war in a far land -- all these members know that they belong to A.A.'s world-wide community, that theirs is only a physical separation, that their fellows may be as near as the next port of call. Ever so importantly, they are certain that God's grace is just as much with them on the high seas or the lonely outpost as it is with them at home." 1. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 130 2. LETTER, 1966 10 Out of the Dark Self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. With it comes the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God's help. Yet it is only a step. We will want to go further. We will want the good that is in us all, even in the worst of us, to flower and to grow. But first of all we shall want sunlight; nothing much can grow in the dark. Meditation is our step out into the sun. << << << >> >> >> "A clear light seems to fall upon us all -- when we open our eyes. Since our blindness is caused by our own defects, we must first deeply realize what they are. Constructive meditation is the first requirement for each new step in our spiritual growth." 1. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 98 2. LETTER, 1946 11 Quantity or Quality "About this slip business -- I would not be too discouraged. I think you are suffering a great deal from a needless guilt. For some reason or other, the Lord has laid out tougher paths for some of us, and I guess you are treading one of them. God is not asking us to be successful. He is only asking us to try to be. That, you surely are doing, and have been doing. So I would not stay away from A.A. through any feeling of discouragement or shame. It's just the place you should be. Why don't you try just as a member? You don't have to carry the whole A.A. on your back, you know! "It is not always the quantity of good things that you do, it is also the quality that counts. "Above all, take it one day at a time." LETTER, 1958 12 Seeking Fool's Gold Pride is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, the chief block to true progress. Pride lures us into making demands upon ourselves or upon others which cannot be met without perverting or misusing our God-given instincts. When the satisfaction ofour instincts for sex, security, and a place in society becomes the primary object of our lives, the pride steps in to justify our excesses. << << << >> >> >> I may attain "humility for today" only to the extent that I am able to avoid the bog of guilt and rebellion on one hand and, on the other hand, that fair but deceiving land which is strewn with the fool's-gold coins of pride. This is how I can find and stay on the highroad of humility, which lies between these extremes. Therefore, a constant inventory which can reveal when I am off the road is always in order. 1. TWELVE AND TWELVE, PP. 48-49 2. GRAPEVINE, JUNE 1961 13 The Shared Gift A.A. is more than a set of principles; it is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message, else we ourselves can wither and those who haven't been given the truth may die. << << << >> >> >> Faith is more than our greatest gift; its sharing with others is our greatest responsibility. May we of A.A. continually seek the wisdom and the willingness by which we may well fulfill that immense trust which the Giver of all perfect gifts has placed in our hands. 1. SERVICE MANUAL, P. 6 2. GRAPEVINE, APRIL 1961 14 Newcomer Problems The temptation is to become rather possessive of newcomers. Perhaps we try to give them advice about their affairs which we aren't really competent to give or ought not give at all. Then we are hurt and confused when the advice is rejected, or when it is accepted and brings still greater confusion. << << << >> >> >> "You can't make a horse drink water if he still prefers beer or is to crazy to know what he does want. Set a pail of water beside him, tell him how good it is and why, and leave him alone. "If people really want to get drunk, there is, so far as I know, no way of stopping this -- so leave them alone and let them get drunk. But don't exclude them from the water pail, either." 1. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 111 2. LETTER, 1942 15 Eternal Values Many people will have no truck at all with absolute spiritual values. Perfectionists, they say, are either full of conceit because they fancy they have reached some impossible goal, or else they are swamped in self-condemnation because they have not doneso. Yet I think that we should not hold this view. It is not the fault of great ideals that they are sometimes misused and so become shallow excuses for guilt, rebellion, and pride. On the contrary, we cannot grow very much unless we constantly try to envision that the eternal spiritual values are. << << << >> >> >> "Day by day, we try to move a little toward God's perfection. So we need not be consumed by maudlin guilt for failure to achieve His likeness and image by Thursday next. Progress is our aim, and His perfection is the beacon, light-years away, that draws us on." 1. GRAPEVINE, JUNE 1961 2. LETTER, 1966 16 Never Again! "Most people feel more secure on the twenty-four-hour basis than they do in the resolution that they will never drink again. Most of them have broken too many resolutions. It's really a matter of personal choice; every A.A. has the privilege of interpreting the program as he likes. "Personally, I take the atitude that I intend never to drink again. This is somewhat different from saying, `I will never drink again.' The latter attitude sometimes gets people in trouble because it is undertaking on a personal basis to do what we alcoholics never could do. It is too much an act of will and leaves us too little room for the idea that God will release us fromthe drink obsession provided we follow the A.A. program." LETTER, 1949 17 Toward Honesty The perverse wish to hide a bad motive underneath a good one permeates human affairs from top to bottom. Tis subtle and elusive kind of self-righteousness can underlie the smallest act or thought. Learning daily to spot, admit, and correct these flaws is the essence of character-building and good living. << << << >> >> >> The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves. << << << >> >> >> Somehow, being alone with God doesn't seem as embarrassing as facing up to another person. Until we actually sit down and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house is still largely theoretical. When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with God. 1. TWELVE AND TWELVE, PP. 94-95 2. GRAPEVINE, AUGUST 1961 3. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 60 18 Companion and Partner "Dr. Bob was my constant companion and partner in the great A.A. adventure. As the physician and great human being that he was, he chose work with others as his prime A.A, vocation and achieved a record which, in quantity and in quality, none will ever surpass. Assisted by the incomparable Sister Ignatia at St. Thomas Hospital in Akron, he -- without charge -- medically treated and spiritually infused five thousand sufferers. "In all the stress and strain of A.A.'s pioneering time, no hard word ever passed between us. For this, I can thankfully say that the credit was all his." << << << >> >> >> I took my leave of Dr. Bob, knowing that he was to undergo a serious operation. The old, broad smile was on his face as he said almost jokingly, "Remember, Bill, let's not louse this thing up. Let's keep it simple!" I turned away, unable to say a word. That was the last time I ever saw him. 1. LETTER, 1966 2. A.A. COMES OF AGE, P. 214 19 The Wine of Success Disagreeable or unexpected problems are not the only ones that call for self-control. We must be quite as careful when we begin to achieve some measure of importance and material success. For no people have ever loved personal triumphs more than we have loved them; we drank of success as of a wine which could never fail to make us feel elated. Blinded by prideful self-confidence, we were apt to play the big shot. Now that we're in A.A. and sober, winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against the dangers of big-shot-ism, we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours. 1. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 91-92 20 Light from a Prayer "God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference." << << << >> >> >> We treasure our "Serenity Prayer" because it brings a new light to us that can dissipate our oldtime and nearly fatal habit of fooling ourselves. In the radiance of this prayer we see that defeat, rightly accepted, need be no disaster. We now know that we do not have to run away, nor ought we again try to overcome adversity by still another bulldozing power drive that can only push up obstacles before us faster than they can be taken down. 1. GRAPEVINE, MARCH 1962 21 Citizens Again "Each of us in turn -- that is, the member who gets the most out of the program -- spends a very large amount of time on Twelfth Step work in the early years. That was my case, and perhaps I should not have stayed sober with less work. "However, sooner or later most of us are presented with other obligations -- to family, friends, and country. As you will remember, the Twelfth Step also refers to `practicing these principles in all our affairs.' Therefore, I think your choice of whether to take a particular Twelfth Step job is to be found in your own conscience. No one else can tell you for certain what you ought to do at a particular time. "I just know that you are expected, at some point, to do more than carry the message of A.A. to other alcoholics. In A.A. we aim not only for sobriety -- we try again to become citizens of the world that we rejected, and of the world that once rejected us. This is the ultimate demonstration toward which Twelfth Step work is the first but not the final step." LETTER, 1959 22 Fear as a Steppingstone The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear -- primar fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands. << << << >> >> >> For all its usual destructiveness, we have found that fear can be the starting point for better things. Fear can be a steppingstone to prudence and to a decent respect for others. It can point the path to justice, as well as to hate. And the more we haveof respect and justice, the more we shall begin to find love which can suffer much, and yet be freely given. So fear need not always be destructive, because the lessons of its consequences can lead us to positive values. 1. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 76 2. GRAPEVINE, JANUARY 1962 23 Worshipers All We found that we had been indeed worshippers. What a state of mental goose flesh that used to bring on! Had we not variously worshipped people, sentiment, things, money, and ourselves? And then, with a better motive, had we not worshipfully beheld the sunset, the sea, or a flower? Who of us had not loved omething or somebody? Were not these things the tissue out of which our lives were constructed? Did not these feelings, after all, determine the course of our existence? It was impossible to say we had no capacity for faith, or love, or worship. In one form or another we had been living by faith and little else. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, P. 54 24 Alike When the Chips Are Down In the beginning, it was four whole years before A.A. brought permanent sobriety to even one alcoholic woman. Like the "high bottoms," the women said they were different; A.A. couldn't be for them. But as the communication was perfectedmostly by the women themselves, the picture changed. This process of identification and transmission has gone on and on. The Skid-Rower said he was different. Even more loudly, the socialite (or Park Avenue stumblebum) said the same -- so did the artist and the professional people, the rich, the poor, the religious, the agnostic, the Indians and the Eskimos, the veterans, and the prisoners. But nowadays all of these, and legions more, soberly talk about how very much alike all of us alcoholics are when we admit that the chips are finally down. GRAPEVINE, OCTOBER 1959 25 We Cannot Stand Still In the first days of A.A., I wasn't much bothered about the areas of life in which I was standing still. There was always the alibi: "After all," I said to myself, "I'm far too busy with much more important matters." That was my near perfect prescriptionfor comfort and complacency. << << << >> >> >> How many of us would presume to declare, "Well, I'm sober and I'm happy. What more can I want, or do? I'm fine the way I am." We know that the price of such self-satisfaction is an inevitable backslide, punctuated at some point by a very rude awakening. We have to grow or else deteriorate. For us, the status quo can only be for today, never for tomorrow. Changewe must; we cannot stand still. 1. GRAPEVINE, JUNE 1961 2. GRAPEVINE, FEBRUARY 1959 26 True Independence of the Spirit The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. Therefore, dependence as A.A. practices it is really a means of gaining true independence of the spirit. At the level of everyday living, it is startling to discover how dependent we really are, and how unconscious of that dependence. Every modern house has electric wiring carrying power and light to its interior. By accepting with delight our dependence upon this marvel of science, we find ourselves personally more independent, more comfortable and secure. Power flows just where it is needed. Silently and surely, electricity, that strange energy so few people understand, meets our somplest daily needs. Though we readily accept this principle of healthy dependence in many of our temporal affairs, we often fiercely resist the identical principle when asked to apply it as means of growth in the life of the spirit. Clearly, we shall never know freedom under God until we try to seek His will for us. The choice is ours. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 36