55 Seeking Guidance "Man is supposed to think, and act. He wasn't made in God's image to be an automaton. "My own formula along this lines runs as follows: First, think through every situation pro and con, praying meanwhile that I be not influenced by ego considerations. Affirm that I would like to do God's will. "Then, having turned the problem over in this fashion and getting no conclusive orcompelling answer, I wait for further guidance, which may come into mind directly or through other people or through circumstances. "If I feel I can't wait, and still get no definite indication, Irepeat the first measure several times, try to pick out the best course, and then proceed to act. I know if I am wrong, the heavens won't fall. A lesson will be learned, in any case." LETTER, 1950 56 Facing Criticism Sometimes, we register surprise, shock, and anger when people find fault with A.A. We are apt to be disturbed to such an extent that we cannot benefit by constructive criticism. This sort of resentment makes no friends and achieves no constructive purpose. Certainly, this is an area in which we can improve. << << << >> >> >> It is evident that the harmony, security, and future effectiveness of A.A. will depend largely upon our maintenance of a thoroughly nonaggressive and pacific attitude in all our public relations. This is an exacting assignment, because in our drinking days we were prone to anger, hostility, rebellion, and aggression. And, even though we are now sober, the old patterns of behaviour are to a degree still with us, always threatening to explode on any good excuse. But we now know this, and therefore I feel confident that in the conduct of our public affairs we shall always find the grace to exert restraint. 1. GRAPEVINE, JULY 1965 2. TWELVE CONCEPTS, P. 71 57 Better than Gold As newcomers, many of us have indulged in spiritual intoxication. Like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in over the last ounce of food, we saw our pick strike gold. Joy at our release from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds. The newcomer feels he has struck something better than gold. He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines it for the rest of his life and insists on giving away the entire product. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, PP. 128-129 58 Righteous Indignation "The positive value of righteous indignation is theoretical -- especially for alcoholics. It leaves every one of us open to the rationalization that we may be as angry as we like provided we can claim to be righteous about it." << << << >> >> >> When we harbored grudges and planned revenge for defeats, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger we had intended to use on others. We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our very first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it. 1. LETTER, 1954 2. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 47 59 Conviction and Compromise One qualification for a useful life is give-and-take, the ability to compromise cheerfully. Compromise comes hard to us "all or nothing" drunks. Nevertheless, we must never lose sight of the fact that progress is nearly always characterized by a series of improving compromises. Of course, we cannot always compromise. There are circumstances in which it is necessary to stick flat-footed to one's convictions until the issue is resolved. Deciding when to compromise and when not to compromise always calls for the most careful discrimination. TWELVE CONCEPTS, PP. 42-43 60 Brain Power Alone? To the intellectually self-sufficient man or woman, many A.A.'s can say, "Yes, we were like you -- far too smart for our own good. We loved to have people call us precocious. We used our education to blow ourselves up into prideful balloons, though we were careful to hide this from others. Secretly, we felt we could float above the rest of folks on our brain power alone. "Scientific progress told us there was nothing man couldn't do. Knowledge was all powerful. Intellect could conquer nature. Since we were brighter than most folks (so we thought), the spoils of victory would be ours for the thinking. The god of intellect displaced the God of our fathers. "But John Barleycorn had other ideas. We who had won so handsomely in a walk turned into alltime losers. We saw that we had to reconsider or die." TWELVE AND TWELVE, PP. 29-30 61 Resolving Fear Fear somehow touched about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did not we often set the ball rolling ourselves? << << << >> >> >> The problem of resolving fear has two aspects. We shall have to try for all the freedom from fear that is possible for us to attain. Then we shall need to find both the courage and the grace to deal constructively with whatever fears remain. 1. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, PP. 67-68 2. GRAPEVINE, JANUARY 1962 62 A Different Swinging Door When a drunk shows up among us and says that he doesn't like the A.A. principles, people, or service management, when he declares that he can do better elsewhere -- we are not worried. We simply say, "Maybe your case really is different. Why don't you try something else?" If an A.A. member says he doesn't like his own group, we are not disturbed. We simply say, "Why don't you try another one? Or start one of your own." To those who wish to secede from A.A. altogether, we extent a cheerful invitation to do just that. If they can do better by other means, we are glad. If after a trial they cannot do better, we know they face a choice: They can go mad or die or they return to A.A. The decision is wholly theirs. (As a matter of fact, most of them do come back.) TWELVE CONCEPTS, PP. 74-75 63 Free of Dependence I asked myself, "Why can't the Twelve Steps work to release me from this unbearable depression?" By the hour, I stared at the St. Francis Prayer: "It is better to comfort than to be comforted." Suddenly I realized what the answer might be. My basic flaw had always been dependence on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and confidence. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, Ifought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression. Reinforced by what grace I could find in prayer, I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people and upon circumstances. Then only could I be free to love as Francis had loved. GRAPEVINE, JANUARY 1958 64 Search for Motives Some of us clung to the claim that when drinking we never hurt anybody but ourselves. Our families didn't suffer, because we always paid the bills and seldom drank at home. Our business associates didn't suffer, because we were usually on the job. Our reputations didn't suffer, because we were certain fewknew of our drinking. Those who did would sometimes assure us that, after all, a lively bender was only a good man's fault. What real harm, therefore, had we done? No more, surely, than we could easily mend with a few casual apologies. This attitude, of course, is the end result of purposeful forgetting. It is an attitude which can be changed only by deep and honest search of our motives and actions. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 79 65 Growth by the Tenth Step In the years ahead A.A. will, of course, make mistakes. Experience has taught us that we need have no fear of doing this, providing that we always remain willing to admit our faults and to correct them promptly. Our growth as individuals has depended upon this healthy process of trial and error. So will our growth as a fellowship. Let us always remember that any society of men and women that cannot freely correct its own faults must surely fall into decay if not into collapse. Such is the universal penalty for the failure to go on growing. Just as each A.A. must continue to take his moral inventory and act upon it, so must our whole Society if we are to survive and if we are to serve usefully and well. A.A. COMES OF AGE, P. 231 66 For Emergencies Only? Whether we had been believers or unbelievers, we began to get over the idea that the Higher Power was a sort of bush-league pinch hitter, to be called upon only in an emergency. The notion that we would still live our own lives, God helping a little now and then, began to evaporate. Many of us who hadthought ourselves religious awoke to the limitations of this attitude. Refusing to place God first, we had deprived ourselves of His help. But now the words "Of myself I am nothing, the Father doeth the works" began to carry bright promise and meaning. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 75 67 Thousands of "Founders" "While I thank God that I was privileged to be an early member of A.A., I honestly wish that the word `founder' could be eliminated from the A.A. vocabulary. "When you get right down to it, everyone who has done any amount of successful Twelfth Step work is bound to be the founder of a new life for other alcoholics." << << << >> >> >> "A.A. was not invented! Its basics were brought to us through the experience and wisdom of many great friends. We simply borrowed and adapted their ideas." << << << >> >> >> "Thankfully, we have accepted the devoted services of many nonalcoholics. We owe our very lives to the men and women of medicine and religion. And, speaking for Dr. Bob and myself, I gratefully declare that had it not been for our wives, Anne and Lois, neither of us could have lived to see A.A.'s beginning." 1. LETTER, 1945 2. LETTER, 1966 3. LETTER, 1966 68 Renew Your Effort "Though I know how hurt and sorry you must be after this slip, please do not worry about a temporary loss of your inner peace. As calmly as you can, just renew your effort on the A.A. program, especially those parts of it which have to do with meditationand self-analysis. "Could I also suggest that you look at excessive guilt for what it is? Nothing but a sort of reverse pride. A decent regret for what has happened is fine. But guilt -- no. "Indeed, the slip could well have been brought about by unreasonable feelings of guilt because of other moral failures, so called. Surely, you ought to look into this possibility. Even here you should not blame yourself for failure; you can be penalized only for refusing to try for better things." LETTER, 1958 69 Giving Without Demand Watch any A.A. of six months workingwith a Twelfth Step prospect. If the newcomer says, "To the devil with you," the twelfth-stepper only smiles and finds another alcoholic to help. He doesn't feel frustrated or rejected. If this next drunk responds, and in turn starts to give love and attention to other sufferers, yet gives none back to him, the sponsor is happy about it anyway. He still doesn't feel rejected; instead he rejoices that his former prospect is sober and happy. And he well knows that his own life has been made richer, as an extra dividend of giving to another without any demand for a return. GRAPEVINE, JANUARY 1958 70 Truth, the Liberator How truth makes us free is something that we A.A.'s can well understand. It cut the shackles that once bound us to alcohol. It continues to release us from conflicts and miseries beyond reckoning; it banishes fear and isolation. The unity of our Fellowship, the love we cherish for each other, the esteem in which the world holds us -- all of these are products of the truth which, under God, we have been privileged to perceive. << << << >> >> >> Just how and when we tell the truth -- or keep silent -- can often reveal the difference between genuine integrity and none at all. Step Nine emphatically cautions us against misusing the truth when it states: "We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." Because it points up the fact that the truth can be used to injure as well as to heal, this valuable principle certainly has a wide-ranging application to the problem of the developing integrity. GRAPEVINE, AUGUST 1961 71 "How Can You Roll with a Punch?" On the day that the calamity of Pearl Harbor fell upon our country, a great friend of A.A. was walking alone a St. Louis street. Father Edward Dowling was not an alcoholic, but he had been one of the founders of the struggling A.A. group in his city. Because many of his usually sober friends had already taken to their bottles that they might blot out the implications of the Pearl Harbor disaster, Father Ed was anguished by the thought that his cherished A.A. group would probably do the same. Then a member, sober less than a year, stepped alongside and engaged Father Ed in a spirited conversation -- mostly about A.A. Father Ed saw, with relief, that his companion was perfectly sober. "How is it that you have nothing to say about Pearl Harbor? How can you roll with a punch like that?" "Well," replied the yearling, "each of us in A.A. has already had his own private Pearl Harbor. So why should we drunks crack up over this one?" GRAPEVINE, JANUARY 1962 72 Dependence -- Unhealthy or Healthy "Nothing can be more demoralizing than a clinging and abject dependence upon another human being. This often amounts to the demand for a degree of protection and love that no one could possibly satisfy. So our hoped-for protectors finally flee, and once more we are left alone -- either to grow up or to disintegrate." << << << >> >> >> We discovered the best source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God to our fellows, nor would we feel the urge to rely wholly on human protection and care. 1. LETTER, 1966 2. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 116 73 Two-Way Tolerance "Your point of view was once mine. Fortunately, A.A. is constructed so that we need not debate the existence of God; but for best results, most of us must depend upon a Higher Power. You say the group is your Higher Power, and no rightminded A.A. would challenge your privilege to believe precisely that way. We should all be glad that good recoveries can be made even on this limited basis. "But turnabout is fair play. If you would expect tolerance for your point of view, I am sure you would be willing to reciprocate. I try to remember that, down through the centuries, lots of brighter people than I have been found on both sides of this debate about belief. For myself, of late years, I am finding it much easier to believe that God made man, than that man made God." LETTER, 1950 74 Breach the Walls of Ego People who are driven by pride of self unconsciously blind themselves to their liabilities. Newcomers of this sort scarcely need comforting. The problem is to help them discover a chink in the walls their ego has built, through which the light of reason can shine. << << << >> >> >> The attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle of each of A.A.'s Twelve Steps. For without some degree of humility, no alcoholic can stay sober at all. Nearly all A.A.'s have found, too, that unless they develop much more of this precious quality than may be required just for sobriety, they still haven't much chance of becoming truly happy. Without it, they cannot live to much useful purpose, or, in adversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency. TWELVE AND TWELVE 1. P. 46 2. P. 70 75 Losing Financial Fears When ajob still looked like a mere means of getting money rather than an opportunity for service, when the acquisition of money for financial independence looked more important than a right dependence upon God, we were the victims of unreasonable fears. And these were fears which would make a serene and useful existence, at any financial level, quite impossible. But as time passed we found that with the help of A.A.'s Twelve Steps we could lose those fears, no matter what our material prospects were. We could cheerfully perform humble labor without worrying about tomorrow. If our circumstances happened to be good, we no longer dreaded a change for the worse, for we had learned that these troubles could be turned into great values, for ourselves and for others. TWELVE AND TWELVE, PP. 121-122 76 Only God Is Unchanging "Change is the characteristic of all growth. From drinking to sobriety, from dishonesty to honesty, from conflict to serenity, from hate to love, from childish dependence to adult responsibility -- all this and infinitely more represent change for the better. "Such changes are accomplished by a belief in and a prectice of sound principles in favor of good ones that work. Even good principles can sometimes be displaced by the discovery of still better ones. "Only God is unchanging; only He has all the truth there is." LETTER, 1966 77 R.S.V.P. -- Yes or No? Usually, we do not avoid a place where there is drinking -- if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, night clubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary parties. You will note that we made an important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere?" Then go or stay away, whichever seems better. But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good. Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring to it. If you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead! ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, PP. 101-102 78 Clearing a Channel During the day, we can pause where situations must be met and decisions made, and renew the simple request "Thy will, not mine, be done." If at these points our emotional disturbance happens to be great, we will more surely keep our balance provided we remember, and repeat to ourselves, a particular prayer or phrase that has appealed to us in our reading or meditation. Just saying it over and over will often enable us to clear a channel choked up with anger, fear, frustration, or misunderstanding, and permit us to return to the surest help of all -- our search for God's will, not our own, inthe moment of stress. TWELVE AND TWELVE, PP. 102-103 79 Whose Responsibility? "An A.A. group, as such, cannot take on all the personal problems of its members, let alone those of nonalcoholics, in the world around us. The A.A. group is not, for example, a mediator of domestic relations, nor does it furnish personal financial aid to anyone. "Though a member may sometimes be helped in such matters by his friends in A.A., the primary responsibility for the solutions of all his problems of living and growing rests squarely upon the individual himself. Should an A.A. group attempt this sort of help, its effectiveness and energies would be hopelessly dissipated. "This is why sobriety -- freedom from alcohol -- through the teaching and practice of A.A.'s Twelve Steps, is the sole purpose of the group. If we don't stick to this cardinal principle, we shall almost certainly collapse. And if we collapse we cannot help anyone." LETTER, 1966 80 Debits and Credits Following a gossip binge, we can well ask ourselves these questions: "Why did we say what we did? Were we only trying to be helpful and informative? Or were we not trying to feel superior by confessing the other fellow's sins? Or, because of fear and dislike, were we not really aiming to damage him?" This would be an honest attempt to examine ourselves, rather than the other fellow. << << << >> >> >> Inventory-taking is not always done in red ink. It's a poor day indeed when we haven't done something right. As a matter of fact, the eaking hours are usually well filled with things that are constructive. Good intentions, good thoughts, and good acts are there for us to see. Even when we have tried hard and failed, we may chalk that up as one of the greatest credits of all. 1. GRAPEVINE, AUGUST 1961 2. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 93