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After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
As long as there are tests, there WILL be prayer in public schools.
Average life span of a major league baseball is 7 pitches.
Behavior is the mirror where everyone shows their image.
Birds have bills, too, and they keep on singing.
The brand name 'Jeep' came from the US Army's abbreviation for 'General Purpose' vehicle, G.P.
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Definition of Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
Did it ever occur to you that nothing occurs to God?
Do union matchmakers have to close the cover before striking?
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
Don't worry about the world ending today; it's already tomorrow in Australia.
A duck's quack doesn't echo for some unknown reason.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts Charlemagne; Diamonds - Julius Caesar; Clubs - Alexander the Great.
Everyone has a right to be stupid; some just abuse the privilege.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong; a tax is a fine for doing well.
Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
Freedom of the press means 'no-iron' clothes.
God will not lead you where His grace cannot keep you.
Going to church does not make one a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes one a hamburger.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything.
Hermits don't suffer from peer pressure.
He who forgives ends the quarrel.
He who throws mud loses ground.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
The highway of life is always under construction.
How can 'crash course' and 'collision course' have two different meanings?
How do 'Stay off the Grass' signs get there?
Human beings are unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, yet are apparently disinclined to so do.
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If everyone was employed, would unemployment officers be?
If fire fighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree?
"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." - - Robert X Cringely
If you are what you do, when you don't, you're not.
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies, you have $1.19; the largest amount of money in coins unable to make change for a dollar.
If you jog backwards, will you GAIN weight?
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you think there's good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
In relativity theory, space and time are the same thing; Einstein discovered this - did he keep showing up to meetings three miles late?
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." - Albert Schweitzer
Is it okay to listen to an AM radio station after noon?
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for 1 year's supply of footballs.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Learn from the mistakes of others; you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n putting' it back in.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.
Nostalgia is like grammar; the present tense, the past perfect.
Nutmeg is extremely toxic if injected intravenously.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12, 345,678,987,654,321
On one hand, I'm indecisive; on the other, I'm not.>/P>
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Our favorite attitude should be gratitude.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
People will believe most anything that is whispered to another.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the 1st US president whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal;' the 2nd is William Jefferson Clinton.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are two kinds of people: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way." -- C.S. Lewis
10% of Russia's governmental income comes from the sale of vodka.
35% of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The sentence 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' using every letter in the alphabet was developed by Western Union to test Telex.
Value a friend who, for you, finds time on his calendar; But cherish the friend who, for you, does not even consult his calendar.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
"We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig; there is no egg in eggplant, no ham in a hamburger, neither pine nor apple in a pineapple; if writers write, why don't fingers fing?, if the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?, if the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught?, if a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?, Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?, a house can burn up as it burns down, when the stars are out they are visible yet when the lights are out they are invisible, when one winds up a watch it starts yet when winds up a poem it ends?"
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do the Chinese call their good china plates?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What is male ladybug called?
What happens if you're scared half to death twice?
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors, but dishwashing liquid made from real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
Would Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
'Year Two Thousand' is an anagram of 'A Year To Shut Down.'
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You don't get old, you just become a classic.
Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace; and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.
You were born an original; don't die a copy.
